Emotional Suppression of Adopted Replacement Child
On a daily basis, the adoptive mother displayed indifference, distrust and annoyance toward the adopted replacement child. Everyday in my adopted childhood, my adoptive mother's expected hostility toward me caused me to feel constant fear of her presence. As a young child I would wake each morning always remembering to be "so quiet", not to make noise and never to make a breakfast mess that would trigger her yelling. On many Saturday mornings when my (adoptive mom's son) brother was awake we sometimes played in his room with his Hot Wheels as we would talk or laugh too loud, mother would aggressively get out of bed stomping her feet the entire way to his bedroom door.
We knew we were in big trouble if she actually got out of bed, usually she would scream at us from her bedroom to "shut up".
Enraged at us she stormed in to his room, slamming open the door and grabbing the hot-wheel track to spank us. My brother would say it was all my fault and I would get the majority of mother's hostility all day, yet the punishment was a shared experience so it was not as bad. The sound provoking anger that gets my adoptive mother out of her coffin bed to punish my little kid behavior was my own chronic problem. My adoptive mother stayed up late and slept in late everyday, so I basically had the house to myself as a small child to play and feed myself as my mom did not often cook meals. When she finally did wake from the dead, I was always on edge and would leave the living room tv for seclusion behind my bedroom door sanctuary. What I was taught early in my life is that my adoptive mom has her own life, has her own hobbies and things where I hinder her freedom. I knew better than to cry, talk without being spoken to and never allow my feelings to show or I might be slapped in the face. My feelings, needs and desires were of no interest to adoptive mother as she would remind me to keep my mouth shut or she would shit it with her fist. The conditioning I received included emotional suppression, where I learned to hold in my cries, sadness and disappointment by threat of being struck in my face. This conditioning still exists today forty years later as I continue to automatically hold in any reaction refusing to be at the mercy of other people's lack of emotional control. Yet I have poor to none of the emotional regulation skills that most competent adults possess. This is my downfall as I am filled with anxiety & dread over ordinary events where I won't react verbally yet begin shaking or turning red in the face. I lack normal interpersonal relationship skills that others use with ease as the hardest thing in my adult lives was dealing emotionally with my own children and there I failed miserably. The psychological experts say that the child's personality is created forever by the age of six, as I am stuck with my punishment based childhood conditioning dreading the next punishment although now as an adult it does not happen.
prolonged and reliable discontent distress