Biological Reunion is a Group Effort in Recovery ___________________________________________________________
The long ago lost biological child adopted to strangers is an alien to those
strangers, in the adoptive family. When the adult adoptee finds the courage and resources to find their biological family they are an alien to their genetic family. The adult adoptee is not trusted, suspect and their family is suspicious of them. It seems that our society does not believe the estranged adopted child is capable of being motivated by sentimental longing for biological connections.
Yet the basic foundation of human nature is based on blood connections, but the adopted away child is exempt from human nature and always under suspicion.
"Belonging" is defined as the evolutionary motivation of human connection for survival....to avoid being outcast from the biological clan, humans have developed inherent warning signals that alarm for potential discord from the group that result in being cast out.
The act of being cast out for adopted children, has already occurred the moment we took our first breath. The unwanted infant's protests were not herd and our mother's cries of postnatal suffering were met with discontent among the same society that blames her for her own suffering. The adopted infant's traumatic separation suffering does not lead to a better life like the advertising stated. As our separation trauma causes the abandoned infant to be forced into self recognition 12-18 months premature, where the mature baby pushes his mother away at normal development and recognizes that he is an individual as he self-separates from the mother-infant-dyad.
No matter what kind of family we are randomly placed in we will never belong to them and they will never belong to us. There is no belonging in forced adoption as no child would ever choose or want to be adopted. This is the social stigma that is actually true of how society sees adopted children as it is never normal but is common. And the perspective of the adopting parent is never shared by the cognitively aware adopted child. For the adopting mother's perspective is her own self unfulfilling prophecy where she relies on denial to get her through the day in dealing with a stranger's offspring. The truth can only be seen when we are honest with ourselves about what motivates us to act on compulsive solutions to our personal problems.
Adoptive parenting can only bring the adopting parent joy during infancy and childhood innocence. When the adopted child begins to develop cognitive awareness, the fairy tales quickly fade into reality for the unwanted child. Adolescence is simply the time of cognitive development that nurtures the child's ability to develop identity, when you are adopted the identity can never be reached because we lack the tools, the people and the information necessary to develop the coherent identity that is ideal for normal healthy individuals. We never belonged to our original families or our adoptive family and the best thing that the adult adoptee can hope for is to belong to ourselves, where there is no social community to judge us. We may try to reconnect with our origins but the biological family that has gone on without us can only see an alien that looks similar to them trying to recover something that they are not able to provide.
The biological family can be extremely healing when we place no blame, and only seek to build new relationships with our biological over time and space with commitments of effort and courage. Through patience we begin to fill the wholes of our wounding with things we never knew, the gentle and kindnesses that are devotedly coveted by adoptees and held in our hearts like precious stones. Over time the voids turn flat and our minds begin to learn new things from our precious biological relationships that evolve into some form of love, wisdom and insight instead of loss, we now can only see what we have found each new day in reunion recovery. And the day may come where the adoptee can find peace within ourselves and gratitude in our own patience as we are dedicate to any kindness that is bestowed upon us by our biological relationships.