The Adopted Child Outsider Watching Kids Play
The adopted child stands alone at every recess time, never having the courage or self esteem to join any activity. Nor does the adopted child yet comprehend the older adopted child's best used skill of looking engaged, pretending to be doing something important or impersonating the scholarly student by acting like they are reading a large book at recess giving the perception that they are doing something important so that the other kids will not notice them. The adopted child experiences intense anxiety at school every time the bell rings for morning recess, lunch and afternoon recess. I was this socially disturbed adopted child that woke up in the morning dreading the three recesses that would take place each school day and wondering what I could do to be invisible at recess.
There is no place at recess for the adopted child to go, no place on the playground to hide and is forced to stand out in the open looking obviously out of place and horrified with anxiety while all of the adopted child's classmates notice that there is something seriously wrong with that kid who stands there looking dumb, doing nothing. The overwhelming feeling of dread when you are an adopted child watching the other children play and engage in activities while never daring to enter the social realm of recess for exasperated fear of being further ostracized. I was never bullied in elementary school as the same children attended from kindergarten through sixth grade although and were familiar but no child relationships existed. I never had any friends in or out of school, I couldn't relate to myself, to my adoptive family and I lived in constant fear of my adoptive mother's threats, punishments and bizarre mood swings aimed at me alone, not her biological offspring.
I was bullied, neglected and dumped off frequently anywhere possible and convenient to her where she could temporarily rid herself of her burden adopted child. Dumped off often extremely late to and from school for all of the children to witness, by my irresponsible, self-centered adoptive mother yet the teachers blamed me for constantly disrupting their class from being tardy.
I possessed no social skills, no education skills and showed only fear by my cowering posture in the presence of my adoptive mother. The early childhood neglect, lacking any parent-child interaction I was only told or punished which caused me to only develop fear response to my primary caregiver. Preschool, kindergarten were a waste of time as I was only put there as a form of babysitting. My development was arrested and I never reached milestones that are suggested for adopted children, these are exceptionally slower than normal functioning in offspring children. The adoptive family thought that I was retarded and were more angry toward me that fueled the label of a burden. When adoptive parents do not interact with adopted children, no social skills are learned by the adopted child. Where the home is dysfunctional, alcoholism and domestic violence, there is no place to develop educational skills or social skills.
I was sent to the free babysitter each day, also known as elementary school lacking social skills and absent of emotional regulation skills except for "don't have them or show emotions", It is no wonder that teachers thought that I was retarded. I was taught to be silent, do not tough anything and only speak when spoken to, which made me comfortable sitting in my desk at school. I knew nothing of school work, and homework was non-existent in my emotional roller-coaster parent dominated house. I was never helped, asked about or experienced any adoptive parent interest in my absent school work of any given day. My grades were consistent "D's" and "F's" from my attempts to do the actual schoolwork as an immature, socially retarded and lacking any educational foundation in a psychologically alone adopted child. I can say that I did pretty good in elementary school considering my chaotic adoptive parent environment. Social skills are still completely difficult as I misread people, messages and content. I still relive my adoptive parent's hostility and fear toward me, but I have learned to compartmentalize it, like I do with everything else. Friendships are something that is far too complicated a subject when you are adopted to invest any intimacy. As "all relationships do and will eventually end" and by keeping my internal state of at birth detachment survival, they hurt less and do not brake me anymore when you lived each day of your life in adoption bondage you know that deep down inside are incapable of human bonding.
What If's In Adoption:
If I were adopted by an older, more educated and psychologically stable and mentally healthy adoptive parents, it is possible that I would have been psychologically nurtured, I would have experienced positive interpersonal relationships with my adoptive parents that promoted my learning of social skills, educational skills and then I would have learned to trust and allow myself the rare opportunity to accept being loved . Being a "Postmortem Adopted Child" being adopted to replace a stillbirth child has scientific studies with documented bad psychopathic outcomes as psychotherapist warn adopting agencies against giving adopted children to mothers of recently dead children. Unfortunately in my case profit was more important than the future health of adopted child.