Recurring Dream Being Abandoned
Last night's recurring dream of me being abandoned again (the 5,000th time) by a person that I love and trusted ended with that person becoming a comedian. This is the first time that this twist has been injected. Usually I am publicly shamed and humiliated. I still ran away on foot to my familiar streets on the way toward the childhood home. Still devastated and sad as I walked.
Then the words came "Nobody can save you" like a foghorn alerting the land of an oncoming air raid.
The reality is that no one can or ever will be able to save me or stave off this feeling that is inherent to me alone that I am abandoned forever. Abandonment is my truth, I was abandoned and will continue to view being abandoned with every relationship I have ever had or will ever have in the future. Being abandoned is my first experience in this mortal world that can never be made into something beautiful. Abandonment is a hideous experience that can never be washed off like a child's dirty face, it is within me as my first truth in my life.
No amount of psychotherapy, hypnotherapy or medication can erase my primal truth that I am forever abandoned. The only reason that a single love interest stars in my nightmares over 30 years now is because I was cognitively aware and cognitively experienced what was hidden all along in my psyche from the primal wound.
This time there is a familiar face, a voice and an intention behind my abandoner that I know from the depths of my soul. That says you are not socially acceptable, you are not good enough or psychologically healthy enough to sustain a normal relationship....and this was true all along. I was broken the day I took my first breath after being born. I was forever retarded to the normal experiences that justify compassion, empathy and love. The love that I would never experience from my own mother has forever denied me the ability to love or to be loved. I accept this as how I am as my personal truth regardless of well wishers feeling sorry and pity for my dysfunctional state in life.
"No One Can Save Me" and "No One Can Save Me From Myself". From what I am and now this truth has been the epiphany for my ability to accept myself as the outsider that was always outside looking in watching life unfold as a quiet spectator wanting to join but can't and is paralyzed to act on some impulses.
I will never be able to join in and be loved or feel love as my inherent truth is unable to deny what I am incapable of and inability to experience. I can only love in my own way, from afar while protecting myself from pain and suffering. My validation as an adult adoptee: I 50 years old and say this with complete confidence absent of anger, resentment or blame, for I was broken beyond repair the day I was born.