About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Embarrassment of the Adopted Child


Embarrassment of the Adopted Child

Adopted-Child-Embarrassment is an emotional state of intense feelings of discomfort with oneself, experienced when having a socially unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. The adopted child is embarrassed publicly in social situations where their lower social status is confirmed by others stating the child is "adopted" and not our real, biological or genetic offspring. Adoptive parent's fail to provide the adopted child with psychological privacy about the child's origins. The adoptive parent's perspective dominates their attitudes of adoption as a positive experience to them, but the adopted child's perspective regarding public exposure is ignored, freely giving away the privacy of the adopted child to anyone that asks about "the most serious detrimental experience of the adopted child's life" is freely given for public and social consumption, irregardless of the adopted child's perspective, dignity and embarrassment.    

In the stage of young childhood development, a young child has no cognitive awareness of verbal concepts, word definitions or the ability to understand of complex concepts. In young childhood a child relies on the primary caregiver's facial expressions, voice tones and inflections, attitudes, especially the parent's behavior - NOT words but how words are expressed. The parent's use of sentence structures and attempts to explain things are far beyond a child's capacity to comprehend. The child smiles and may nod their head, giving the parent the false impression that the child understands and comprehends what they are saying. The child may even be able to repeat the sentence back to the parent, as children memorize and copy  the behavior of their primary caregiver. Yet the young child has absolutely no idea or comprehension of "what" the parent's behaviors, words or sentence structures has meaning or can be labeled good or bad. The adopted child hears the "adoption story" that is created by the adoptive mother's perception, not the adoptive father's perception not in the biological mother's perception, not in the adoptive grandparent's perception and especially not in the adopted child'd perception. This story is created by, owned and narrated by the adoptive mother where she frames herself in the most positive light. The adoptive mother narrates her story over and over to the point that the adopted child has memorized it. But the child still does not understand it, comprehend it or have the cognitive awareness to agree, reject or object to the adoption story. The child simply smiles and nods giving the false impression that the child agrees and identifies with the adoptive mother's story.
Beginning in the adopted child's cognitive awareness stage, where the adopted child is learning to comprehend complex and complicated subjects. For the adopted child, becoming aware of what adoption means by textbook definition, and comprehending what adoption means to the person that is adopted is in contrast. The adoptive mother's chronic retelling of "her adoption story" now takes on a new dimension to the adopted child as the adopted child realizes their perspective is not included in it.
The adopted child's biological mother, father, siblings, grandparents and family are not included. The adopted child now realizes that their own perspective has been left out of the adoptive mother's adoption story. The realization that this adoption story has nothing to do with the adopted child is the reality for the adopted child's awareness. 

The adoptive mother's adoption story is now seen to the adopted child as embarrassing as it singles the child out and away from the biological family that adopted them. The story tells everyone that the adopted child was abandoned, making the adopted child feel shame and now it is destroying the adopted child's dignity and chipping away at the adopted child's adopted-child-identity. The only identity the adopted child has known is now a humiliating identity that is socially known to everyone. The adopted child wants nothing to do with adoption and has lost face socially.
The adopted child feels extreme embarrassment and shame when the adoptive mother and other's talk about her when she is in the room, on the adoptive mother is talking about the adopted child on the telephone and the adopted child hates it!  When they gossip, always talking about the adopted child  (as she hears them) or speaking to the adopted child, they discount the adopted child's identity by reminding them that they are adopted. AS the adopted child's perspective of being adopted is in complete contrast and conflict to the adoptive mother's perception of adoption where her desires, needs and demands were met by adopting a child.

The adopted child's loss of of honor and dignity is attacked by the adoptive mother and her social group on a daily basis. The chronic adopted child topic is never exhausted by them as they never seem to shut up about it. Always dissecting and analyzing the adopted child's behavior, attitude and lacking skills are scrutinized by the adoptive mother gossip which is always the embarrassing situation to the adopted child. Similar to shame, except that shame is experienced directly from the adoptive mother who attacks the adopted child as a disappointing person, not a situational behavior. Embarrassment is being caused by the constant gossiping actions of the adoptive mother and her social group that has no concept of the adopted child is actually an individual person that is worthy of privacy. The adoptive mother's selfish actions that she labels socially acceptable concern, the adoptee sees the adoptive mother's behavior as morally wrong.

Embarrassment Causes

Embarrassment can be personal, caused by unwanted attention to private matters or personal flaws or mishaps. Some causes of embarrassment stem from personal actions, such as being caught in a lie or in making a mistake, losing badly in a competition, or being caught performing bodily functions such as flatulence. In many cultures, being seen nude or inappropriately dressed is a particularly stressful form of embarrassment. Personal embarrassment can also stem from the actions of others who place the embarrassed person in a socially awkward situation—such as a parent showing one's baby pictures to friends, having someone make a derogatory comment about one's appearance or behaviour, discovering one is the victim of gossip, being rejected by another person humiliation, being made the focus of attention (e.g., birthday celebrants, newlyweds), or even witnessing someone else's embarrassment.
Personal embarrassment is usually accompanied by some combination of blushing, sweating, nervousness, stammering, and fidgeting. Sometimes the embarrassed person tries to mask embarrassment with smiles or nervous laughter, especially in etiquette situations. Such a response is more common in certain cultures, which may lead to misunderstanding. There may also be feelings of anger depending on the perceived seriousness of the situation, especially if the individual thinks another person is intentionally causing the embarrassment. There is a range of responses, with the most minor being a perception of the embarrassing act as inconsequential or even humorous, to intense apprehension or fear.
The idea that embarrassment serves an apology or appeasement function originated with Goffman (1967) who argued the embarrassed individual “demonstrates that he/she is at least disturbed by the fact and may prove worthy at another time”. Semin & Manstead (1982) demonstrated social functions of embarrassment whereby the perpetrator of knocking over a sales display (the ‘bad act’) was deemed more likable by others if he/she appeared embarrassed than if he/she appeared unconcerned – regardless of restitution behaviour (rebuilding the display). The capacity to experience embarrassment can also be seen as functional for the group or culture. It has been demonstrated that those who are not prone to embarrassment are more likely to engage in antisocial behaviour – for example, adolescent boys who displayed more embarrassment were found less likely to engage in aggressive/delinquent behaviours. Similarly, embarrassment exhibited by boys more likely to engage in aggressive/delinquent behaviour was less than one-third of that exhibited by non-aggressive boys (Ketlner et al. 1995). Thus proneness to embarrassment (i.e., a concern for how one is evaluated by others) can act as a brake on behaviour that would be dysfunctional for a group or culture.

Vicarious embarrassment

Vicarious embarrassment is an embarrassed feeling from observing the embarrassing actions of another person. People who rate themselves as more empathic are more likely to experience vicarious embarrassment. The effect is present whether or not the observed party is aware of the embarrassing nature of their actions, although awareness generally increases the strength of the felt vicarious embarrassment, as does an accidental (as opposed to intentional) action.