About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Invalidating the Adopted Child's Emotions, Feelings and Needs


Invalidating and Disqualifying the Adopted Child's Personal & Individual Needs

The psychological manipulation that adopted children are forced to endure when their attempts hide their true self fail. When the adopted child trusts their adoptive parent too much that they do not learn the irrational adoptive mother's extreme reactive punishments are a pattern intentionally created to interact with them alone, while the adoptive parent's biological offspring receive maternal instinct nurturing, mirroring and bonding.

The conscious or unconscious behavior to Invalidate the adopted child is not merely disagreeing with what they have said. It is a process in which adoptive parents communicate to the adopted child, their target of invalidation, that the child's opinions and emotions are invalid, irrational, selfish, uncaring, stupid, insane, and wrong. Invalidating parent directly or indirect that their adopted child's views and feelings do not count for anything to anybody at any time or in any way. In some adoptive families, the invalidation is extreme, leading to verbal, psychological and physical abuse. Invalidation can also be accomplished by verbal manipulations that invalidate in subtle and confusing manners.

The adopted child's fundamental conflict was between her need to express her true nature ( biological self-actualization ) and do what was expected by adoptive parents and society. The dysfunctional family systems conflict between the forces of individuality and strength of solidarity. The adopted child conflict suppress parts of themselves that do not conform to what adoptive parents believe and expect of them, but the removal is never complete. Adopted child will disqualify their true beliefs just in case it is unacceptable to adoptive parents. If it is, then they can claim that they were just badly understood.
Unfortunately, when someone disqualify what they say in this way, other people listening are on shaky ground when trying to determine what is actually communicated to them. Communications are very confused. In fact, when listeners think they have a solution to this, these people may contradict, leaving listeners to begin to doubt their own perceptions about what was said. In other words, when a person is disqualified, they are often incapacitating the person listening. The two concepts go hand in hand.                                                               
Our balance is lost when we are invalidated and feel aggression from someone we have a really close bond with.The impact of adoptive parent's disqualifying language lives on forever in the mind of the adopted child. Adopted children don’t forget hurtful words and can't erase their adoptive parent’s verbal and physical aggression from their minds. Language, tone and facial expression communicate negative meaning when used to invalidate an adopted child. In the depths of our memory we forever remember the hateful comment that an adoptive family member made. Even today, we painfully remember certain words or phrases that came from someone you love. The impact of language is surprisingly enduring. Children don’t forget hurtful words easily, and people don’t erase their partner’s verbal aggression from their minds.
Words that lack affection create serious holes in our souls. Holes of loneliness and isolation in adopted children, and pits of disappointment and bitterness in adopted children who are wounded by their adoptive parents.
The destructive power of words in human communication, and the most common ways people use words to destroy.
  • Devaluing: This type of communication uses words that seek to diminish the value of a person. They take away all importance from everything that person says and does, and they use language to discredit and subtracts value from everything they are, their entire essence. 
  • Disqualification: In this case, one does not seek to devalue, but invalidate. They go one step further and use words like “you are not worth anything,” “you are the most awkward person in the world,” “you are lower than the soles of everyone’s shoes.”
  • De-confirmation: This type of communication aims to nullify the other person completely. The first two seek to devalue and humiliate, while this one seeks to ignore. It doesn’t matter if the child is good or bad; they will be ignored. It doesn’t matter if the child is by the side of the person they love; they will be treated like an empty space. As if they didn’t exist…

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.
Constant invalidation is one of the most significant reasons adopted child with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life. A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain, one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will be seriously and permanently impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. 
Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird. None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different from the mass norm an adopted child is, for example, more intelligent or more sensitive, the more he is likely to be invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities.
Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality. Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. 
  • Adopted child is told "they shouldn't feel the way they feel"
  • Adopted child is dictated "not to feel the way they feel"
  • Adopted child is told "they are too sensitive, too dramatic"
  • Adopted child is ignored.
  • Adopted child is judged.
  • Adopted child is told to believe there is something wrong with them 
  • for feeling how they feel.