"I Just Wanted Him/Her To Be Happy"
One persons idea of what makes themselves happy, is ignorantly
applied to everyone else. This false assumption that what makes one person happy is shared by others is false. This false assumption is the cause of abuse, neglect and family dysfunction. Adopted children are not exceptions to this rule, as no other person can know what makes an individual happy unless they are asked and told truthfully. To satisfy another with words they want to hear............Is Denying Yourself Your Truth.
Example a grandmother that enjoys knitting thinks that her grandson will be happy receiving a sweater that she knitted. The grandmother's false belief in what makes her happy, will make other people happy is not true. This reasoning is self-centered belief that ignores the grandson's individuality, his identity and proves that she does not really know her grandson or has not listened to what her grandson says about himself.
The grandmother is "projecting her own ideals onto her grandson". Projecting her own false beliefs of what how she wants her grandson to be, what she wants her grandson to enjoy and what she wants the grandson to like....her knitting.
The grandson will perpetuate his grandmother's "false projections" by lying, by falsely acknowledging or saying that he loves the knitted sweater. The grandson is not attempting to build a real interpersonal relationship with his grandmother that is based on his authentic spontaneous identity, where he would tell his grandmother what he loves, what he wants, his aspirations and dreams. If the grandson were to tell his grandmother the "truth" that he doesn't like or wear knitted sweaters, the continuation of grandmother's projecting onto her grandson would stop.
The grandmother would now begin to know who her grandson really is and enjoy the benefits of the honest and truth based relationship that is now beginning to grow as he is asserting himself as an individual, instead of the compliance based relationship that is permanently used in a "one-way" only.
The adoptive mother's projections of herself onto her adopted child is usually a compliance based, one-way dominated relationship. Where the mother is projecting her own wishes of class, elegance and being a ballet dancer. The adoptive mother is forcing her own personal preferences in the form of her own "projections" onto her adopted daughter. Where the adoptive mother forces the daughter to take ballet lessons. Yet the adopted girl child is more athletic, competitive, a natural tomboy that rough-houses everyday with her brothers. The adopted child protests ballet, she wants to take piano lessons as being musically inclined is a genetic trait from her paternal and maternal biological family.
The Adoptive Mother's Fantasy and Projection
The adoptive mother wants to be the dancer's mother sitting in the audience of a ballet production that gets recognition for her daughter the dancer, who is graceful in the leading roles of the ballet performance. Where the cast pays special recognition to the lead dancers mother sitting in the audience, who is initiated to stand up and take a bow herself, the mother is applauded by audience, cast and crew.
This is the adoptive mother's "Perception of Happiness" although a far fetched fantasy that would take the adopted child a decade minimum of ballet instruction, personal dedication, extreme financial support along with extreme dependence on the adoptive mother to undertake such a plan.
This is the adoptive mother's perception of what would make her happy. The adoptive mother believes that this same scenario would make the adopted child happy as well, from her own fantasy of ballet performances. There is no bases for reality in this scenario. In reality the adoptive mother's biological stillborn daughter might have been this career ballet dancer that made the girl's mother so proud, where the mother received the public recognition that she craves for being the mother behind the dancer.
This is the adoptive mother's "what could have been" that experts say is relegated to and a bad habit of adopted children only.
The "cognitive dissonance" applied to the adoptive mother's "failed projections" on the adopted child as a ballet dancer. Where the adoptive mother's unrealistic expectations of professional ballet ability is forced on the adopted child result in the adoptive mother's negative evaluations. The adoptive mother's voices her disapproval, depreciation, dissatisfaction and shame of the child's failure to perform the projected fantasy. The adoptive mother's resentment is not limited to the failed fantasy, The adoptive mother's resentment grows into discounting the adopted child as a whole person who is the failure.
The adopted child is held responsible for the monumental failure where the adoptive mother placed her hopes and dreams in confidence that was dependent on success of achieving reality from her fantasy. The adoptive mother's belief that the adopted child would take her fantasy and create reality, that is her perception of happiness. When the projection's transition from fantasy to reality was not created, the adoptive mother's happiness can not be achieved. The adopted child is responsible and blamed for denying the adoptive mother's much deserved happiness.
The adoptive mother's unrealistic expectation is blamed on the adopted child's negligence to live up to or perform expectations. The adoptive mother negatively reevaluates the adopted child as responsible and liable for her misery. Where the adoptive mother is verbally scornful, physically abusive and mentally vindictive to punish the selfishness of the adopted child, as the adoptive mother believes the adopted child deliberately refused her happiness. The adoptive mother's perception of happiness is shared exactly the same by the adopted child, that is not true.
The monumental disappointments that are based on one person's idea of happiness is not shared by anyone other than that individual. Not even wishful thinking can make this true.