Adoptee's Recurring Abandonment Dreams
The recurring dream that haunts my ever present, is an abandonment dream that devastates my waking hours until I can distract myself enough to temporary forget it. My recurring dream began when I fell completely in love and and felt magically love in return for the first time in my life. I was in my mid twenties, had two children and lived independently alone for the first time when the dreams began. I have a serious sleep disorder where I talk, hit and act-out my dreams while sleeping. The dreams commenced with the focus on my new love abandoning me. In each dream he would abandon me in a different way. The boyfriend would wake me up and ask me what I was dreaming about and I answer honestly each time. Four years later he grew tired of me and disappeared from my life without saying a word, just gone. I came home from work one day and all of his clothes were gone, I was devastated and cried for the first time in ten years. Now 17 years later, he is still haunting my dreams like the abandoning dreams I had when we were together never stopped happening. Each dream has a different miserable ending where I am publicly humiliated, shunned and disgraced. I wake up crying, feeling these miserable emotions of humiliation, ashamed and loose my dignity all over again. These dreams are dreaded as I suffer the REAL and LIVED LOSS over and over again. This recurring dream reminds me as I wake that I have again lost my sense of self, feel the sting of shame from being unworthy that I am constantly drowning in my waking life.
The recurring dream is about being ABANDONED. The circumstances of the relationship where I was an adult that for the first time in my life invested my complete trust in another human being and felt for the first time LOVED by another. In my mind I knew it was too wonderful to last as I began to have recurring dreams of my beloved abandoning me. The significance of the relationship ending, was the first time as an adult that I experienced my own feelings and emotions of excruciating pain and suffering that comes when being abandoned.
The True Spontaneous Reaction
The significance of my first adult experience authentically reacting to being abandoned. My uncontrolled sobbing, weeping and uncontrolled crying a river of tears on the kitchen floor. The complete absence of my reliable defense mechanisms to repress and suppress my emotions could not be found on this powerfully symbolic monumental reaction to being abandoned. This scenario of "not restricting" my authentic reaction happened again twice in adulthood both related to my adoptive father verbally abandoning me, and my adoptive parents together expelling me from their family. Where I fell down with uncontrolled weeping in my driveway.
My recurring dream has everything to do with being adopted because of the specific emotions and feelings that are provoked. I feel shame, humiliation, unworthy, guilty of being undeserving, not good enough and a disappointment as anyone that invests their time in me is wasted. My self-hatred grows inward as the cruel messages from my supposed "loved ones" told me throughout my adopted childhood that I am the failure, the problem and the complication of their adoption for being me. The responsibility for the burning bridge is me standing there with the matches, I always tell me that I brought it on myself and I deserve all of the misery that I make by attempting to connect with others. My adoptive parents are usually in my recurring dream, shaming, blaming and publicly humiliating me. The message of my nightmare is I deserve to be abandoned, humiliated and should be ashamed of myself for not living up to expectations, for ruining the fairy tale with my presence and being the monumental disappointment to my adoptive parents, I am responsible for all of the adoptive family's problems till the day I die.
Being Abandoned at birth to be sold into adoption bondage as the fairy tale goes the "forever adoptive family" will never abandon the adopted child. The reality is that 25% and higher of adopted children are eventually abandoned by adoptive parents. The adoption psychiatrists try to reprogram adopted children from their very real expectation of being abandoned again by adoptive parents.
The financial efforts to pay for such reprogramming therapy as the adopted child complies with therapy and lets their guard down and trust is established, only to be eventually rejected and abandoned by adoptive parents as the final outcome.
What this adult adoptee's dreams are saying to me is I can't tolerate being abandoned. I know what being abandoned feels like and dread it, as I anxiously await the next time I am abandoned for it is inevitable to the forever adopted child adult.