The Trauma Symptoms and Behaviors In Adoptees
The goal of my contribution to adoption psychology is to find the
questions, (answers come much, much later, if ever). To fill in the blanks that the U.S. psychology society intentionally left out when they refused to study adoption and refer to all adoption problems as related to attachment theory, and come to some form of acceptance of my forced adopted plight and psychological consequences.
I have an extreme phobia of doctors (and authority figures)
to the extreme position I took when I quit nursing. It seemed that the treatments were more damaging than the related illness that stood against my principles. I took my biological aunt to the doctor for osteo injections, seven days of dread and on the appointment day sheer anxiety and panic to the point of being awake 36 hours from hypervigilance. During my quiet escape from reality, I realized that medical authority was directly related to my many contributing factors to PTSD, from being the mother of a pediatric cancer patient that had two onsets. The ten years of caregiving where I begged to be sent to a mental hospital and had a brakedown. Abusive adult relationships where I played the submissive part that I was conditioned to in forced replacement adoption, down to the first primal wounding of my existence. They all are emotional suppressed time periods of total dependence, helplessness, unworthiness, and based in fear. I continue to be unable to express emotions, as no one really wants to hear my bad experiences where I did play a part the victim, the healer, the aggressor and the solid stone mother that nothing could penetrate or I would not allow myself to have the reflective thoughts that are needed to process traumatic events. Doctors were in bed with the adoption machine, when I worked for doctors I had control. When I did not nurse I was not, am not in control, and they can force drugs, treatments and surgeries on me against my will. Even though I have a legal, active, yearly updated DnR, I don't trust it or the doctors that refuse to accept patient wishes. What I do know is that I keep reading, searching and hoping for answers that are real and continue to refuse pleasant polite acquaintance chit-chat, as it undermines the adoptee's words, thoughts and hope. To be real in my everyday truth is overwhelming to those that seek pleasantries that undermine the effort at healing, as there can be no healing without constant wound pain.