About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Sibling Rivalry Effect on Adopted Children & Article Sibling Rivalry


The Sibling Rivalry Effect on Adoptees
In dysfunctional adoptive families the adopted child is resented
by the adoptive parent's biological children. When the adoptive mother is indifferent to the adopted child, the biological child takes on the role of punishment enforcer and executioner. The biological child does the physical enforcement of the adopted child and receives more favor ant attention by the mother. The biological child's ongoing revenge of the adopted child, is a primal response for taking away from him mother's attention and resources. His enforcement duty becomes an unconscious drive as he is repulsed by the outsider adopted child's existence and intuitively perceives his mother's disgust and ambivalence of the adopted child's presence. Due to the fact that the adopted child's temporary place in the adoptive family in conditional, the adopted-child-role is one of submission, injustice and blame for all of the biological family's problems, as the biological child experience of family continuity ended when the adopted child was introduced to the family. The biological child's perception and experience of everything changing in his family, his mother's depression, anger and hostility toward the adopted child, who he clearly sees as the enemy that is completely logical and the direct result of cause and effect.

In our culture it is the mother (in this case the adoptive mother) who dictates how her family will operate. The mother designates who is the most favored child, the next in line for her attention and who is not favored as she grimaces at the thought of affection toward the unwanted child that she is forced to have a relationship with.

The proud mother of two biological sons, that longs for a girl child that will be exactly like her. The intention, the pregnancy and the catastrophic result where this wished for female offspring dies at birth. Where all hope is lost in a tragic instant that inspired distorted coping mechanisms to quickly fix a shattered experience.
In my case the child adopted to fix the grief, that replaced the mother's third expected child was quickly realized to be a terrible mistake. The mother's grief based compulsion to adoption was realized too late as a monumental error in judgement. The grieving mother's error in overestimating child adoption, decision making under extreme depression and psychopathic trauma as a way to abandon her grief was realized far too late. This reckless decision during a grief reaction period when the reality of this consequence is finally realized, it could not be admitted to. There was no remedy to fix the inaccurate confusion of adopting that brought more depression, grief and denial.  The misinterpretation of adoption caused more harm as the misjudgment could not be repaired, the child would not be returned due to the social stigma attached to returning an adopted child. The adoptive mother denied her delusion based error and went on with life valuing her sons and excluding her adoption error. The valued sons took on the role of policing the adopted child to gain attention and praise.
These roles are set in stone as the behavior prompted and that originates with the mother's distress and alleviation of that distress are the foundations of what propels the actors to participate in the roles of their mother's play. The foundational roles of childhood designation continues throughout the relationships of the group members, never deviating from their assigned roles later in life.  
Sibling Rivalry Article:
The new view holds that conflict is not the natural state of sibling relationships. Still, for a third of us, discord sown early endures for a lifetime.
While few adult siblings have severed their ties completely, approximately one-third of them describe their relationship as rivalry or distant. They don't get along with their sibling, have little in common, spend limited time together, and use words like "competitive," "humiliating," and "hurtful" to depict their childhoods. 
The speed with which old childhood designations that create adult conflicts reduce these adults to children again prevents them from seeing one another in a new or adult light.    They push each other's buttons without knowing why or how and recast themselves in the same childhood roles that never worked in the first place.
When they talk about their brothers and sisters, adult siblings locked into old patterns and resort to a variety of familiar emotional strategies. Some try to diminish the relationship (and their feelings) by emphasizing the importance of friends and spouses instead. Some speak with frightening venom as they describe the horrors of growing up under the same roof. 
Others become very analytical, piecing together all that went wrong between them, thereby detailing the impossibility of ever finding common ground. (denying the past is common-ground?) 
For most conflicted brothers and sisters, there is an underlying sense that "this is the way it's supposed to be." (old distorted patterns from dysfunctional family dynamics)
Western culture has an obsession with sibling rivalry that began with the story of Cain and Abel and was elaborated by Freud, who labeled and dwelt on the competition between siblings for parental love and attention. It's colored our perception of sibling rivalry ever since. Therapists and lay people alike tend to view the relationship largely as one of struggle and controversy. We have no rituals that make, break, or celebrate the sibling bond. And family experts have underemphasized the sibling relationship, instead concentrating on parents and children and husbands and wives. Small wonder that sibling rivalry is accepted as the normal state of affairs.
There is a consensus among clinicians and developmental psychologists that the sibling bond is complicated, fluid, and influenced by many factors. Parental treatment, genetics, gender, life events, ethnic and generational patterns, and people and experiences outside the family all contribute to the success or failure of a particular sibling connection. To understand how these factors shape the lives of siblings, researchers have begun looking at young siblings within the context of their immediate families.
(How Parents shape sibling rivalry...)
At the forefront of this work is Judy Dunn, whose pioneering sibling studies are being conducted in her native England and in the United States. Through her observational studies of siblings at home instead of in the lab, Dunn's work presents a radically revised view of children's abilities and their social understanding. Dunn now knows that from the startlingly young age of one year, siblings respond to disputes between their siblings by supporting or punishing one of the antagonists. These same young siblings are profoundly affected by their mother's interaction with the other siblings.
"The message is," Dunn said, "that children are far more socially sophisticated than we ever imagined. That little 15-month-old or 17-month-old is watching like a hawk what goes on between her mother and older sibling. And the greater the difference in the maternal affection and attention, the more hostility and conflict between the siblings." From 18 months on siblings understand how to comfort, hurt, and exacerbate each other's pain. They understand family rules, can differentiate between transgressions of different sorts, and can anticipate the response of adults to their own and to other people's misdeeds.
By age three, children have a sophisticated grasp of how to use social rules for their own benefit. They can evaluate themselves in relation to their siblings and possess the developmental skills necessary to adapt to frustrating circumstances and relationships in the family. Whether they have the drive to adapt, to get along with a sibling whose goals and interests may be different from their own, can make the difference between a cooperative or rivalrous relationship, Dunn insists.
Parents' relationships with each of their children are very closely involved in sibling rivalry. As Dunn's work reveals, from one year on children are acutely sensitive of how they're being treated in relation to their siblings. When a parent shows more love, gives more attention, or is unable or unwilling to monitor the goings-on between children, it is often the siblings and their connections that suffer. Even though the social awareness and development of children is far more sophisticated than imagined, children don't possess the ability to understand who or what may have turned them against one another. 
Most rivalrous adult siblings aren't able to see the total picture, especially as adults.
Parental action and inaction have had a long-lasting impact on the rivalrous relationship between Karen Kalish and her sister. Grieved by the death of one twin and consumed with taking care of the surviving one, Karen's mother had no time for 30-month-old Karen. A nurse was hired to tend to her, and Karen, her mother, and her baby sister spent little if no time together. Karen was not only dethroned by the birth of her sister; she was abandoned. "She was left out... pushed out of the family orbit," said Kenneth Addison, associate professor of developmental psychology at Northeastern Illinois University. "She was not given the role of oldest child or any other responsibilities that go along with that position."
Even when parents do their best at loving and respecting all of their children, the influence of siblings on one another can be enormous. Brothers and sisters spend more time together during childhood than with their parents, particularly today when nearly 60 percent of mothers with children work outside the home. If the siblings are close in age and/or the same gender, the greater the potential for intense dysfunctional relationships.
Studies have shown that of the three sibling pairs, sister/sister pairs are the closest and brother/brother pairs are the most rivalrous. (Identical male twins tend to be the most competitive.) Sisters are the traditional kin keepers in our society and have a real commitment to keeping the relationship going. They are, according to sex-role expectations, more adept at expressing themselves on a personal level and in sharing their intimate feelings. Brothers, on the other hand, are more conflicted. Their childhood time together tends to be more competitive, and often that competition is carried into adulthood, exacerbated, it seems, by parental and societal expectations of men.
What makes brother/brother ties so rivalrous? Gold has launched a new study that is not yet completed. But she has found a consistent theme running through the interviews she's conducted thus far. "The thing that rides through with brothers that doesn't come across in other sibling pairs is this notion of parental and societal comparison. Somehow with boys, it seems far more natural to compare them, especially more than with sister/brother pairs. Almost from day one, the fundamental developmental markers--who gets a tooth first, who crawls, walks, speaks first--are held up on a larger-than-life scale. And this comparison appears to continue from school to college to the workplace. Who has the biggest house, who makes the most money, drives the best car are constant topics of discussion. In our society, men are supposed to be achievement-oriented, aggressive. They're supposed to succeed."
Sibling relationships are not fixed, however; they change dramatically over the years. Key life events in early and middle childhood can bring siblings closer together--or split them further apart. Dunn found that such events as a mother's illness and, in one case, a mother's death prompted siblings to be tremendously supportive of one another and to close ranks in the face of stress. The transition to school, on the other hand, diminishes the relationship between older and younger siblings.
Similarly, life events in adulthood--leaving home, getting married, tending to an ill parent, grieving over a parent's death, adjusting to an empty nest have the power to significantly alter the connection between siblings or to reinforce old rivalries. When it comes to the marriages of our siblings, for example, we are not unlike ex-husbands or ex-wives.
"Our brothers and sisters were our 'first' marriage partners," says Karen Lewis, a counseling psychologist and coeditor of Siblings in Therapy, a collection of writings about siblings. "We have a lot of emotional stock invested in them and in the spouses they choose." How will their entrance into the family affect how we all get along? Are our sisters- or brothers-in-law like us? Are they good enough to be one of the family? Apparently, many are not. In one of the few studies of young- and middle- adult siblings, two-thirds of the siblings interviewed said that the marriage of their brothers and sisters drove a wedge between them. Their already-conflicted relationships were exacerbated, or sibling relationships that appeared sound suddenly became strained.
In the interview I conducted for my book on siblings, stories of strained relationships following one or the other's marriage far outweighed stories of marriages that enhanced the sibling connection. In several cases, the spouse was "not like anybody else in the family." Siblings found it difficult to try to get along with sisters- or brothers-in-law who were different and sometimes difficult. For some, the new family member was seen as someone who made an effort to keep siblings apart. (and they do)
Yet another sibling talked about how his sister's husband destroyed their relationship. For some rivalrous siblings, divorce offers another chance to improve the relationship. In a few cases, adjustments are made. For the others, the rift can last a lifetime.