Intentional Destortions By Adoptive Parents
& Normal Childhood Development
All human children begin life in egocentric thinking, selfish or from the child individual's point of view as the mind is too immature to comprehend the other's perspective. Adult social behavior defines behavioral rules of what is and is not acceptable conduct.
In adolescence and early adulthood egocentric thinking does not completely dissolve but the adult's quick thinking alters their selfish responses to a more acceptable social manner when engaging in interpersonal relationships.
The adopted child is no different in their childhood development, yet adoptive parents seem to expect the impossible from a young child's ability. The most common complaint by disappointed adoptive parents is that their adopted child is not grateful for the adoptive parent's sacrifices. No biological child is held accountable for the decisions of their parents, so why is the adopted child held accountable to a different set of standards that no biological parent would force on their own offspring? The fact that a child has no ability to understand or comprehend the complex concepts that the mature adult deals with everyday. The common concepts that adoptive parents complain about in forums:
#1. The financial loans, mortgages, money and interest borrowing to finance the child adoption.... No child or adopted child should be held accountable for the good or bad adult financial decisions of the parents. The financial strain created by adoption financing is the sole problem of the adopting parents, they should never have committed to such an endeavor, especially when the parent's would blame a child for their poor decision making that amounts to psychological immaturity and risks the mental health of the adopted child.
#2. The concept of adoption... is a concept that is too complex to comprehend until adolescence, that is why it is introduced in childhood, as the child has no idea of what it means. In cognitive development the adopted child gradually realizes the monumental implications of consequences that are ignored by adoptive parents and the child is expected to be happy about loosing everything.
#3. The adoptive parents complain that the adopted child will not bond with the adoptive mother, is closed-off or is not affectionate.
The adopted child's biological family's collective genetic traits, personalities and temperaments are far different than the traits and personality functioning of the adoptive family. The adopted child has their own origins, parents, family, culture and identity that is vastly different than the adoptive family. The multiple traumas that the newborn adopted child has had to endure are ignored like a blank slate as these violations occurred before coming to the adoptive family....but does not erase these very real traumatic experiences that impact the psyche of the inexperienced child's mind.
#4. The "savior" adoptive parent mentality...The savior title might bring the adoptive mother social recognition, status and awards,
but the "savior" title means nothing to a child. When the savior concept is taught to an adopted child, they are expected to behave in specific manners defined by the idea that the parent is omnipotent. The "god" like adoptive mother expecting the adopted child to act "thankful as a follower" of the adoptive parent as God. The worst manifestation within the distorted adoptive parent thinking, the construct that they project onto the adopted child as a "sinner" that is flawed in their individuality, person-hood and in their humanity. Although it is a constant boosting to the adoptive parent's ego, the adopted child's ego, self-worth and self esteem is ruined in the savior/sinner process.
The irresponsible and damaging adoptive parent's dangerous schemas, irrational projections and fear based behaviors that are forced on adopted children cause more trauma, more distorted thinking and dysfunctional ways of coping that arrest a child's normal development. This outlines the "adopted child's role" as a possession owned by the adoptive mother, and not as a unique individual that has worth and will make their own path in the world. The distorted way the adopted child is treated by the adoptive mother will forever compromise the adoptee's life and destroy their ability to be spontaneous, free and creative with their life. What constitutes control and domination by adoptive parents forever deprives the adopted child of childhood, innocence and the ability to thrive in the world is forever relegated to being owned as a prisoner of adoption circumstances that will always define the adult adoptee in a negative capacity.
Normal Stages of Development in Children:
Egocentrism, Concept Development and Comprehension:
Only when entering the concrete-operational stage of development at age seven to twelve, children became less egocentric and could appreciate viewpoints other than their own. In other words, they were capable of cognitive perspective-taking.
"the young adolescent, because of the physiological metamorphosis he is undergoing, is primarily concerned with himself. Accordingly, since he fails to differentiate between what others are thinking about and his own mental preoccupations, he assumes that other people are obsessed with his behavior and appearance as he is himself." This shows that the adolescent is exhibiting egocentrism, by struggling to distinguish whether or not, in actuality, others are as fond of them as they might think because their own thoughts are so prevalent. Adolescents consider themselves as "unique, special, and much more socially significant than they actually are."
- Adolescents are often faced with new social environments (for example, starting secondary school) which require the adolescent to protect the self which may lead to egocentrism.
- Development of the adolescent's identity may lead to the individual experiencing high levels of uniqueness which subsequently becomes egocentric – this manifests as the personal fable.
- Parental rejection may lead to the adolescents experiencing high levels of self-consciousness, which can lead to egocentrism.
Conceptual milestones for children ages 1 through 6:
Toddlers (12–24 months)
- Enjoys object-hiding activities.
- Early in this period, the child always searches in the same location for a hidden object (if the child has watched the hiding of an object). Later, the child will search in several locations.
- Passes toy to other hand when offered a second object (referred to as "crossing the midline" – an important neurological development).
- Manages three to four objects by setting an object aside (on lap or floor) when presented with a new toy.
- Puts toys in mouth less often.
- Enjoys looking at picture.
- Demonstrates understanding of functional relationships (objects that belong together): Puts spoon in bowl and then uses spoon as if eating; places teacup in saucer and sips from cup; tries to make doll stand up.
- Shows or offers toy to another person to look at.
- Names many everyday objects.
- Shows increasing understanding of spatial and form discrimination: puts all pegs in a pegboard; places three geometric shapes in large formboard or puzzle.
- Places several small items (blocks, clothespins, cereal pieces) in a container or bottle and then dumps them out.
- Tries to make mechanical objects work after watching someone else do so.
- Responds with some facial movement, but cannot truly intimate facial expressions.
- Most children with autism are diagnosed at this age.
- Eye–hand movements better coordinated; can put objects together, take them apart; fit large pegs into pegboard.
- Begins to use objects for purposes other than intended (may push a block around as a boat).
- Does simple classification tasks based on single dimension (separates toy dinosaurs from toy cars).
- Seems fascinated by, or engrossed in, figuring out situations: where the tennis ball rolled, where the dog went, what caused a particular noise.
- Attends to self-selected activities for longer periods of time. Discovering cause and effect: squeezing the cat makes them scratch.
- Knows where familiar persons should be; notes their absence; finds a hidden object by looking in last hiding place first. (This is what Piaget termed object permanence, which usually occurs during the sensorimotor stage of Piaget's childhood theory of cognitive development)
- Names familiar objects.
- Recognizes, expresses, and locates pain.
- Expected to use "magical thinking".
- Tells about objects and events not immediately present (this is both a cognitive and linguistic advance).
- Expresses more curiosity about the world.
- Listens attentively to age-appropriate stories.
- Makes relevant comments during stories, especially those that relate to home and family events.
- Likes to look at books and may pretend to "read" to others or explain pictures.
- Enjoys stories with riddles, guessing, and "suspense."
- Speech is understandable most of the time.
- Produces expanded noun phrases: "big, brown dog."
- Produces verbs with "ing" endings; uses "-s" to indicate more than one; often puts "-s" on already pluralized forms: geeses, mices.
- Indicates negatives by inserting "no" or "not" before a simple noun or verb phrase: "Not baby."
- Answers "What are you doing?", "What is this?", and "Where?" questions dealing with familiar objects and events.
- Can recognize that certain words sound similar
- Names eighteen to twenty uppercase letters. Writes several letters and sometimes their name.
- A few children are beginning to read simple books, such as alphabet books with only a few words per page and many pictures.
- Likes stories about how things grow and how things operate.
- Delights in wordplay, creating silly Language.
- Understands the concepts of "tallest," "biggest," "same," and "more"; selects the picture that has the "most houses" or the "biggest dogs."
- Rote counts to 20 or more.
- Understands the sequence of daily events: "When we get up in the morning, we get dressed, have breakfast, brush our teeth, and go to school."
- When looking at pictures, can recognize and identify missing puzzle parts (of person, car, animal).
- Very good storytellers.
- Counts 1 to 7 objects out loud, but not always in order
- Follows two to three step directions given individually or in a group
- May put the "ed" on the end of words such as "I goed outside and I played."
- Forms rectangle from two triangular cuts.
- Builds steps with set of small blocks.
- Understands concept of same shape, same size.
- Sorts objects on the basis of two dimensions, such as color and form.
- Sorts a variety of objects so that all things in the group have a single common feature (classification skill: all are food items or boats or animals).
- Understands the concepts of smallest and shortest; places objects in order from shortest to tallest, smallest to largest.
- Identifies objects with specified serial position: first, second, last.
- Rote counts to 20 and above; many children count to 100.
- Recognizes numerals from 1 to 10.
- Understands the concepts of less than: "Which bowl has less water?"
- Understands the terms dark, light, and early: "I got up early, before anyone else. It was still dark."
- Relates clock time to daily schedule: "Time to turn on TV when the little hand points to 5."
- Some children can tell time on the hour: five o'clock, two o'clock.
- Knows what a calendar is for.
- Recognizes and identifies coins; beginning to count and save money.
- Many children know the alphabet and names of upper- and lowercase letters.
- Understands the concept of half; can say how many pieces an object has when it's been cut in half.
- Asks innumerable questions: Why? What? Where? When? How? Who?
- Eager to learn new things. Curious and inquisitive.
- Uses language rather than tantrums or physical aggression to express displeasure: "That's mine! Give it back, you dummy."
- Talks self through steps required in simple problem-solving situations (though the "logic" may be unclear to adults).
- Has mood swings towards primary caregiver depending on the day
- Friendship with parent is less depended on but still needs closeness and nurturing.
- Anxious to please; needs and seeks adult approval, reassurance, and praise; may complain excessively about minor hurts to gain more attention.
- Often can't view the world from another’s point of view
- Self-perceived failure can make the child easily disappointed and frustrated.
- Can't handle things not going their own way
- Does not understand ethical behavior or moral standards especially when doing things that have not been given rules
- Understands when he or she has been thought to be "bad"; values are based on others' enforced values.
- May be increasingly fearful of the unknown like things in the dark, noises, and animals.
- Highly self-critical and eager to please
- Can understand right and wrong
- Complains a lot and has strong emotional swings
- Ability at dealing with mistakes and failure improves
- Starts to develop a close circle of same-gender friends
- Becomes more susceptible to peer pressure
- Enjoys group activities
- Prone to mood swings and melodramatics
- Extremely impatient and may have a hard time waiting for special events such as Christmas
Nine year old
- Often displays an intense revulsion of the opposite gender
- Will use physical complaints as a means of getting out of undesired tasks
- Generally dependable and can be trusted with basic responsibilities
- Prone to wide mood swings
Ten year old
- No interest in the opposite gender yet
- Not as moody as 7-9 year olds; overall disposition tends to be cheerful and fun-oriented
- Friendships are highly important, friends are almost exclusively same gender
- Can have a short temper, but has learned to adjust anger levels according to the appropriateness of the situation
- Gets along well with parents, eager to please
- Has fewer fears than he/she did at younger ages
Eleven year old
- Often critical of others, stubborn, and egotistical
- Tends to display anger physically by hitting people/objects, throwing things, or slamming doors
- Still no interest in the opposite sex
- Friends are important, but with more arguments than before
- May be worrisome and afraid of things
Twelve year old
- Overall disposition is pleasant and upbeat
- Can become extremely excited over subjects of interest or accomplishments
- Strongly prone to peer pressure and following trends
- More stable friendships with less melodramatics than at 11
- Beginning to be interested in the opposite sex, particularly girls
Thirteen year old
Thirteen year olds
- Moody and uncomfortable with themselves and their surroundings
- Likes to be alone and values privacy
- Believes the world is out to get them
- Insecure about their bodies
- Does not get along well with adults
Fourteen year old
- Generally pleasant, sunny disposition
- Highly critical of parents and embarrassed by them
- High level of interest in the opposite sex
- Often a high interest in extracurricular activities
- Wants to please and be popular
- Has a large circle of both gender friends
Fifteen year old
- Typically quarrelsome and unwilling to share their problems with others
- Want to be independent and free of their family
- Typically gets along better with siblings than parents
- Friendships are highly important
- Romantic interests and sex are common
Sixteen year old
- Good overall relationship with family
- Begins to see parents as human beings instead of authority figures
- Friendships highly important, may have a wide circle of both gender friends
- Love interests can be intense