Distortions Created By Adoptive Parents
What the psychopathic adoptive mother projects on to the adopted child, the adopted child is forced to accept without cognitive development.
The lies, distorted thinking and unrealistic fantasies told to me by my adoptive mother were believed and accepted by my adopted child ignorance prior to my cognitive development. I was brow beaten, treated with cruel indifference and forced to swallow and repress my emotional needs as they annoyed my adoptive mother.
The adoptive mother's constant punishment based conditioning of the little outsider adopted child to served her purpose for not allowing me to develop an ego. The young childhood years and before elementary school are well remembered as all of my interactions with my adoptive mother are coupled with my fight-or-flight response so the individual will never forget any threat.
My adoptive mother wired my already traumatized brain to detect all forms of threats in my hostile world of the adoptive mother. I am still permanently wired to physically react to any situation that shifts from neutral to the possibility of her screaming at me or striking me in the face. I was conditioned never to speak unless spoken to, asked a question by an authority figure. The authority figure that may or may not allow me to speak has become a later in life problem as I fear all authority figures (at 48 years old) and automatically experience the fight-flight adrenaline responses that I can't control and dread doctors appointments, civil procedures like county clerk offices, police officers, teachers etc. Anyone that spoke to my adoptive mother about my less than acceptable behavior or education failures in childhood is amplified now in adulthood as I respond in fear.
as an adult I will never speak unless I had experienced a situation or done extensive research on the subject to have the ability to speak with my voice as knowledgeable on the topic. And in adulthood my adoptive mother will still say "NO" to my expertise or discount my voice as I am still that ignorant stupid adopted child that knows nothing and surely is not a reliable on any subject matter as she constantly discounts me to my face as a 40 year old adult.
The magnitude of my adopted child reality is that I am forever this adopted child owned by my adoptive mother who can only see me as that submissive, ignorant and unintelligent child that she rescued. In her mind I was never born so I could never grow up.
What is ironic is that she wanted me to remain dependent in ignorant bliss, which is the opposite of my driving force to be educated, to learn skills and to be independent enough to escape her prison of distortions. The adoptive mother demanded I stay dependent yet felt hostility towards being depended on by the adopted child. The mother was not dependable to the adopted child, but was very dependable, nurturing and respectful to her biological sons.
The adoptive mother role gave the mother social recognition that she craved but the actual relationship with the adopted child was repulsive to her. The adoptive mother's narcissistic tendencies were not directed toward her biological sons, as she thought that she shielded them from her own terror inciting behavior. Yet as grown children of the narcissist mother's behavior we all developed psychopathic coping mechanisms. The more socially acceptable coping behaviors of alcoholism and gambling is contrasted by the adopted child's coping mechanisms of turning her anger, hostility and hatred inward on myself. Yet my saving grace was knowing that I was adopted, that her behavior was not my behavior although very scary, I was not like her. I knew that If I was to successfully escape her clutches, she would be just a bad memory from adopted childhood.
Adopted child, a title that I would spend too many years distancing myself from and denying that adoption existed. To deny that adoption had anything to do with the my present miserable situation, yet I continued to replicate it and seek out replacement abusers that were just as hostile, ignoring and cold to me. Knowing that in the long run they will eventually abandon me and that is the normal cycle of my life as it is all that I know.
When you are told that you were never valued by your real mother and adoptive mother, you have no value. When you are repeatedly told that you are worthless, a financial liability and that you have nothing to contribute to the adoptive family group, you are reduced to a mere parasite taking away
precious attention and resources from those that belong to the biological family.
When the only continuity you have experienced is traumatic events, extreme punishments and psychological manipulations that tell you that you are worthless, you seek the company of other worthless individuals. As these other worthless individuals use you and discard you in this never ending cycle of being abused you embrace it as it is all that you know. Eventually you see every mistake that you have ever made is directly behind you as a tornado path that you created with every piece of trash that you intentionally discarded, individuals you left before they discarded you, the debris of your existence laying in the pile of used trash that constitutes your life and causes you great shame. Where there is no where to turn but inward where these toxic messages distort your being, you are worthless when the only people you know hate you...you hate yourself.