About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Distortions Created By Adoptive Parents

Distortions Created By Adoptive Parents

What the psychopathic adoptive mother projects on to the adopted child, the adopted child is forced to accept without cognitive development.

The lies, distorted thinking and unrealistic fantasies told to me by my adoptive mother were believed and accepted by my adopted child ignorance prior to my cognitive development. I was brow beaten, treated with cruel indifference and forced to swallow and repress my emotional needs as they annoyed my adoptive mother.

The adoptive mother's constant punishment based conditioning of the little outsider adopted child to served her purpose for not allowing me to develop an ego. The young childhood years and before elementary school are well remembered as all of my interactions with my adoptive mother are coupled with my fight-or-flight response so the individual will never forget any threat.

My adoptive mother wired my already traumatized brain to detect all forms of threats in my hostile world of the adoptive mother. I am still permanently wired to physically react to any situation that shifts from neutral to the possibility of her screaming at me or striking me in the face. I was conditioned never to speak unless spoken to, asked a question by an authority figure. The authority figure that may or may not allow me to speak has become a later in life problem as I fear all authority figures (at 48 years old) and automatically experience the fight-flight adrenaline responses that I can't control and dread doctors appointments, civil procedures like county clerk offices, police officers, teachers etc. Anyone that spoke to my adoptive mother about my less than acceptable behavior or education failures in childhood is amplified now in adulthood as I respond in fear.

as an adult I will never speak unless I had experienced a situation or done extensive research on the subject to have the ability to speak with my voice as knowledgeable on the topic. And in adulthood my adoptive mother will still say "NO" to my expertise or discount my voice as I am still that ignorant stupid adopted child that knows nothing and surely is not a reliable on any subject matter as she constantly discounts me to my face as a 40 year old adult.    

The magnitude of my adopted child reality is that I am forever this adopted child owned by my adoptive mother who can only see me as that submissive, ignorant and unintelligent child that she rescued. In her mind I was never born so I could never grow up.
What is ironic is that she wanted me to remain dependent in ignorant bliss, which is the opposite of my driving force to be educated, to learn skills and to be independent enough to escape her prison of distortions. The adoptive mother demanded I stay dependent yet felt hostility towards being depended on by the adopted child. The mother was not dependable to the adopted child, but was very dependable, nurturing and respectful to her biological sons.

The adoptive mother role gave the mother social recognition that she craved but the actual relationship with the adopted child was repulsive to her. The adoptive mother's narcissistic tendencies were not directed toward her biological sons, as she thought that she shielded them from her own terror inciting behavior. Yet as grown children of the narcissist mother's behavior we all developed psychopathic coping mechanisms. The more socially acceptable coping behaviors of alcoholism and gambling is contrasted by the adopted child's coping mechanisms of turning her anger, hostility and hatred inward on myself. Yet my saving grace was knowing that I was adopted, that her behavior was not my behavior although very scary, I was not like her. I knew that If I was to successfully escape her clutches, she would be just a bad memory from adopted childhood.
Adopted child, a title that I would spend too many years distancing myself from and denying that adoption existed. To deny that adoption had anything to do with the my present miserable situation, yet I continued to replicate it and seek out replacement abusers that were just as hostile, ignoring and cold to me. Knowing that in the long run they will eventually abandon me and that is the normal cycle of my life as it is all that I know.

When you are told that you were never valued by your real mother and adoptive mother, you have no value. When you are repeatedly told that you are worthless, a financial liability and that you have nothing to contribute to the adoptive family group, you are reduced to a mere parasite taking away
precious attention and resources from those that belong to the biological family.

When the only continuity you have experienced is traumatic events, extreme punishments and psychological manipulations that tell you that you are worthless, you seek the company of other worthless individuals. As these other worthless individuals use you and discard you in this never ending cycle of being abused you embrace it as it is all that you know. Eventually you see every mistake that you have ever made is directly behind you as a tornado path that you created with every piece of trash that you intentionally discarded, individuals you left before they discarded you, the debris of your existence laying in the pile of used trash that constitutes your life and causes you great shame. Where there is no where to turn but inward where these toxic messages distort your being, you are worthless when the only people you know hate you...you hate yourself.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Adoptee's Acknowledging Adoption Pain

Adoptee's Acknowledging Adoption Pain

Our society thinks that adoption is a one time event
that the child can't remember, that is constantly celebrated       by the adoptive parent. The reality for the adopted child
is that we were torn away at birth from our family,
stripped of our identity and forced to live a lie that
benefits the adoptive parent strangers self-esteem.
Although the adopted child's self-esteem is diminished by
providing self-esteem to the adoptive parent by accepting
the adoption lie and denying our own truth.
When we deny ourselves the truth, and live as a puppet
to serve a master, we hate ourselves.
Child Adoption is a lifelong burden to the adopted person
if we acknowledge this truth to ourselves, we don't hate ourselves. We hate adoption, but there is nothing we can do about this fact other than accept it and experience the bad emotions that accompany something that was forced on us when we could not defend ourselves. The truth of forced adoption is that it is a complete injustice to the child, that we had no say when we were young. Now that we are adults we can control what we believe,
but to deny this truth that carries enormous pain each time we are reminded by others that we don't fit. We must acknowledge our emotional pain, it was always there and it will always continue to exist, regardless of biological reunions, good or bad adoptive parents, to deny our pain creates the adoptee's burden of anxiety that accompanies this denial. The more that we mentally acknowledge the pain, verbally talk about our emotional pain, write about this pain and think about it....we let this smoldering infection to co-exist within us, and allow it to be. The adoption pain we feel has nothing to do with the quality of parenting, the number of parents, nothing to do with reunion or building new relationships. There is nothing that defines this adoption pain, unless we deny it, then it has the capacity to control us because we pretend it does not exist. The Adoptee's adoption pain stands alone, it has its own category and is an entity, a manifestation of the many traumatic situations we have survived and is the experience that we dread and refuse to feel. When we allow this pain to live through us, it no longer has the power over us when we try to avoid these dreadful related emotions from being adopted. I will allow my adoption pain his own space as denying that it exists has taken away too many years trying to avoid it. That bad emotional feeling in the pit of my stomach, that comes without warning, as I suppress it.....it morphs into something else that causes me to feel anxiety. When I realize, remember and acknowledge that I am feeling this adoption related pain again, I feel down, sad, alone and then suddenly it is gone as quick as it manifested. Thank you adoption pain for that short visit, may all of your future visits be short and shorter. I am beginning to heal. 

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Not Belonging in the Adopted Child


To Belong or Not to Belong for the Adopted
Belongingness is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers, a religion, or something else, people tend to have an 'inherent' desire to belong and be an important part of something greater than themselves. This implies a relationship that is greater than simple acquaintance or familiarity. The need to belong is the need to give, and receive attention to, and from, others.
Belonging is a strong and inevitable feeling that exists in human nature. To belong or not to belong can occur due to choices of one's self, or the choices of others. Not everyone has the same life and interests, hence not everyone belongs to the same thing or person. Without belonging, one cannot identify themselves as clearly, thus having difficulties communicating with and relating to their surroundings.

 Baumeister and Leary argue that belongingness is such a fundamental human motivation that we feel severe consequences of not belonging. If it wasn’t so fundamental, then lack of belonging wouldn’t have such dire consequences on us. This desire is so universal that the need to belong is found across all cultures and different types of people.

Psychological needs

Abraham Maslowe suggested that the need to belong was a major source of human motivation. He thought that it was one of 5 human needs in his hierarchy of needs, along with physiological needs, safety, self-esteem, and self actualization. These needs are arranged on a hierarchy and must be satisfied in order. After physiological and safety needs are met an individual can then work on meeting the need to belong and be loved. According to Maslow, if the first two needs are not met, then an individual cannot completely love someone else.
Other theories have also focused on the need to belong as a fundamental psychological motivation. According to Roy Baumeister ,Mark Leary all human beings need a certain minimum quantity of regular, satisfying social interactions. Inability to meet this need results in loneliness and mental distress and a strong desire to form new relationships. Several psychologists have proposed that there are individual differences in people's motivation to belong. People with a strong motivation to belong are less satisfied with their relationships and tend to be relatively lonely. As consumers, they tend to seek the opinions of others about products and services and also attempt to influence others' opinions.
According to Baumeister and Leary, much of what human beings do is done in the service of belongingness. They argue that many of the human needs that have been documented, such as the needs for power, intimacy approval, achievement and affiliation are all driven by the need to belong. Human culture is compelled and conditioned by pressure to belong. The need to belong and form attachments is universal among humans. This counters the Freudian argument that sexuality and aggression are the major driving psychological forces. Those who believe that the need to belong is the major psychological drive also believe that humans are naturally driven toward establishing and sustaining relationships and belongingness. For example, interactions with strangers are possible first steps toward non-hostile and more long-term interactions with strangers that can satisfy the need for attachments. Certain people who are socially deprived can exhibit physical, behavioral, and psychological problems, such as stress or instability. These people are also more likely to show an increase in aiming to form new attachments.


In all cultures, attachments form universally. Social bonds are easily formed, without the need for favorable settings. The need to belong is a goal-directed activity that people try to satisfy with a certain minimum number of social contacts. The quality of interactions is more important than the quantity of interactions. People who form social attachments beyond that minimal amount experience less satisfaction from extra relationships, as well as more stress from terminating those extra relationships. People also effectively replace lost relationship partners by substituting them with new relationships or social environments. For example, individuals with strong family ties could compensate for loneliness at work.
Relationships missing regular contact but characterized by strong feelings of commitment and intimacy will also fail to satisfy the need. Just knowing that a bond exists may be emotionally comforting, yet it would not provide a feeling of full belongingness if there is a lack of interaction between the persons. The belongingness hypothesis proposes two main features. First, people need constant, positive, personal interactions with other people. Second, people need to know that the bond is stable, there is mutual concern for one another, and that there will be a continuation of that attachment into the future. This means that the need to belong is not just a need for intimate attachments or a need for connections, but that the perception of the bond is just as important as the bond itself. They need to know that the other person cares about his or her well-being and loves him or her.
Baumeister and Leary argue that much of the research on group bonds can be interpreted through the lens of belongingness. They argue that plenty of evidence suggests that social bonds are formed easily. In the classic Robber's cave study, stranger boys were randomly grouped into two different groups and almost immediately, group identification and strong loyalty developed to their specific group. Initially, the two groups were asked to compete with one another, and hostility between the groups ensued. However, when the two groups were combined to form one big group and were given the opportunity to bond by working together to accomplish superordinate  goals, behaviors and emotions accommodated quickly to that new group. In an attempt to understand causes of in-group favoritism, researchers formed a group so minimal and insignificant that one would expect that no favoritism would be found, yet in-group favoritism appeared immediately. Researchers agree that banding together against a threat (the out-group) and sharing rewards are primary reasons groups form and bond so easily. Mere proximity is another powerful factor in relationship formation. Just like babies form attachments with their caregivers, people develop attachments just because they live near one another. This suggests that proximity sometimes overcomes the tendencies to bond with others who are similar to us. Positive social bonds form just as easily under fearful circumstances, such as military veterans who have undergone heavy battle together. This can be explained by either misattribution (interpreting feelings of anxious arousal as feelings of attraction for another person) or reinforcement theory (the presence of another person reduces distress and elicits positive responses). Baumeister and Leary argue that the reinforcement theory explanation provides evidence for the importance of belonging needs because these learned associations create a tendency to seek out the company of others in times of threat. The formation of social attachments with former rivals is a great indicator of the need to belong. Belonging motivations are so strong that they are able to overcome competitive feelings towards opponents.
People form such close attachments with one another that they are hesitant in breaking social bonds. Universally, people distress and protest ending social relationships across all cultures and age spans. Even temporary groups, such as training groups, struggle with the idea that the group may eventually dissolve. The group may have fulfilled their purpose, but the participants want to cling on to the relationships and social bonds that have been formed with one another. The group members make promises individually and collectively to stay in touch, plan for future reunions, and take other steps to ensure the continuity of the attachment. For example, two people may never speak for an entire year, but will continue sending holiday cards to that acquaintance or a stranger from whom they receive cards. People do not want to risk damaging a relationship or breaking an attachment because it is distressing.
People are so hesitant in breaking social bonds that in many cases, they are hesitant to dissolve even bad relationships that could be potentially destructive. For example, many women are unwilling to leave their abusive spouses or boyfriends with excuses ranging from liking for the abuse to economic self-interests that are more important than physical harm. This unwillingness to leave an abusive partner, whether mentally or physically, is just another indicator of the power of the need to belong and how reluctant individuals are to break these bonds. Breaking off an attachment causes pain that is deeply rooted in the need to belong.
People experience a range of both positive and negative emotions; the strongest emotions linked to attachment and belongingness. Empirical evidence suggests that when individuals are accepted, welcomed, or included it leads those individuals to feel positive emotions such as happiness, elation, calm, and satisfaction. However, when individuals are rejected or excluded, they feel strong negative emotions such as anxiety, jealousy, depression, and grief. In fact, the psychological pain caused by social rejection is so intense that it involves the same brain regions involved in the experience of physical pain. Both positive and negative reactions in emotion are connected to status of relationship. The existence of a social attachment changes the way one emotionally responds to the actions of a relationship partner and the emotions have the potential to intensify.
Lack of constant, positive relationships has been linked to a large range of consequences. People who lack belongingness are more prone to behavioral problems such as criminality and suicide and suffer from increasing mental and physical illness. Based on this evidence, multiple and diverse problems are caused by the lack of belongingness and attachments. It therefore seems appropriate to regard belongingness and attachments as a need rather than simply a want.
Relationships that are centrally important in the way people think are interpersonal relationships. The belongingness hypothesis suggests that people devote much of their cognitive thought process to interpersonal relationships and attachments. For example, researchers found that people store information in terms of their social bonds, such as storing more information about a marriage partner as opposed to a work acquaintance. People also sort out-group members on the basis of characteristics, traits, and duties, whereas they sort in-group members on person categories. Cognitive processing organizes information by the person they have a connection with as opposed to strangers. Researchers had a group of people take turns reading out-loud and they found that they had the greatest recall for the words they personally spoke, as well for words spoken by dating partners or close friends. There is a cognitive merging of the self with specific people that is followed by the need to belong. Flattering words that are said to a spouse can enhance the self just as positively. People always believe that nothing bad can happen to themselves, and extend that thought to their family and friends.
There is an emotional implication to belongingness in which positive affect is linked to increases in belongingness while negative affect is linked to decreases in belongingness. Positive emotions are associated with forming social attachments, such as the experience of falling in love, as long as the love is mutual. Unrequited love (love without belongingness) usually leads to disappointment whereas belongingness in love leads to joy. Occasions such as childbirth, new employment, and fraternity/sorority pledging are all associated with the formation of new social attachments surrounded by positive emotions. Forming bonds is cause for joy, especially when the bond is given a permanent status, such as a wedding. Weddings signify permanent commitment and complete the social bond by committing to the spouse’s need to belong. Positive experiences shared emotions increases attraction with others. Close personal attachments, a rich network of friends and high levels of intimacy motivation are all correlated to happiness in life.
The breaking of social bonds and threats to those bonds are primary sources of negative affect. People feel anxious, depressed, guilty or lonely when they lose important relationships. Social exclusion is the most common cause of anxiety. Anxiety is a natural consequence of being separated from others. Examples include children suffering from separation anxiety from being separated from their mothers. Adults act similarly when their loved ones leave for a period of time. Memories of past rejection and imagining social rejection all elicit negative emotions. Losses of attachments lead directly to anxiety. If people are excluded from social groups, people get anxious, yet the anxiety is removed when they experience social inclusion. Failing to feel accepted can lead to social and general depression. Depression and anxiety are significantly correlated. Social exclusion is also a major cause of jealousy, which is a common reaction when one’s relationships are threatened. Jealousy is cross-culturally universal and in all cultures, sexual jealousy is common. It was said earlier that belongingness needs can only truly be met with social contact, but social contact by itself does not shield people against loneliness. Loneliness matters more when there is a lack of intimacy as opposed to lack of contact. Another negative affect is guilt, which is caused to make the other person want to maintain the relationship more, such as paying more attention to that person.
Divorce and death are two negative events that spoil the need to belong. Divorce causes distress, anger, loneliness, and depression in almost everyone. The death of oneself and other people are the most traumatic and stressful events that people can experience. Death can cause severe depression, which is not a reaction to the loss of the loved one, but because there is a loss of the attachment with that other person. For example, a death of a spouse in which there was marriage problems can still elicit in extreme sadness at the loss of that attachment. Death is linked to anxiety and fear of loneliness. The idea of being separated from friends and family, and not the fact that they would no longer exist on this earth, is what brings about this anxiety.
The need to belong.


In order to be accepted within a group, individuals may convey or conceal certain parts of their personalities to those whom they are trying to impress. This is known as self-preservation Self-presentation, or impression management, attempts to control images of the self in front of audiences. It is a conscious and unconscious goal-directed action done to influence audiences to perceive the actor as someone who belongs. Certain aspects of one’s personality may not be seen as desirable or essential to the group, so people will try to convey what they interpret as valuable to the group. For example, in a business setting, people may not show their humorous side but they will try to show their professional side in an attempt to impress those present.

Group membership

Individuals join groups with which they have commonalities, whether it is sense of humor, style in clothing, socioeconomic status, or career goals. In general, individuals seek out those who are most similar to them. People like to feel that they can relate to someone and those who are similar to them give them that feeling. People also like those that they think they can understand and who they think can understand them.

Social connections

The desire to form and maintain social bonds is among the most powerful human motives. If an individual’s sense of social connectedness is threatened, their ability to self-regulate suffers. Social relationships are important for human functioning and well-being therefore, research on how social relationships affect people’s personal interests and motivated behavior has been a focus of numerous studies. Walton, Cohen, and Spencer for example, believed that a mere sense of social connectedness (even with people who were unfamiliar) can cause one to internalize the goals and motivations of others. By doing so, this shapes people’s motivated behavior suggesting achievement motivation and one’s self-identity are highly sensitive to minor cues of social connection. Mere belonging is defined as an entryway to a social relationship which is represented by a small cue of social connection to an individual or group. Social belonging is a sense of relatedness which is connected to a positive, lasting, and significant interpersonal relationships. While mere belonging is a minimal or even chance social connection, social belonging factors are characterized as social feedback, validation, and shared experiences. Sharing common goals and interests with others strengthens positive social bonds and may enhance feelings of self-worth.
In another study, Walton and Cohen examined stigmatization and its link to belonging uncertainty. Their belonging uncertainty idea suggests that in academic and professional settings, members of socially stigmatized groups are more uncertain of the quality of their social bonds. Therefore, they feel more sensitive to issues of social belonging. They believe in domains of achievement, belonging uncertainty can have large effects on the motivation of those challenging with a threatened social identity.


Group membership can involve conformity. Conformity is the act of changing one’s actions, attitudes, and behaviors to match the norms of others. Norms are unsaid rules that are shared by a group. The tendency to conform results from direct and indirect social pressures occurring in whole societies and in small groups. There are two types of conformity motivations known as informational social influence and normative social influence. Information social influence is the desire to obtain and form accurate information about reality. Information social influence occurs in certain situations, such as in a crisis. This information can be sought out by other people in the group or experts. If someone is in a situation where they do not know the right way to behave, they will look at the cues of others to correct their own behavior. These people conform because the group interpretation is more accurate than your own. Normative social influence is the desire to obtain social approval from others. Normative social influence occurs when one conforms to be accepted by members of a group, since the need to belong is in our human desire. When people do not conform, they are less liked by the group and may even be considered deviant. Normative influence usually leads to public compliance, which is fulfilling a request or doing something that one may not necessarily believe in, but that the group believes in.
According to Baumeister and Leary, group conformity can be seen as a way to improve one's chances of being accepted by a social group; thus is serves belongingness needs. People often conform to gain the approval of others, build rewarding relationships, and enhance their own self-esteem. Individuals are more likely to conform to groups who describe out-group members with stereotype traits, even though don’t publicly express their agreement. People desire to gain approval so they conform to others. However, within informational social inclusion, those primed with motivation to make accurate decisions or held accountable, would resist conformity. The beliefs held by others and how we react to those beliefs is often reliant on our view of the amount of agreement for those beliefs. Researchers are interested in exploring informational and normative motivational influences to conform on majorities and minorities. Objective consensus theory suggests that majority influence of a group is informational, while conversion therapy views it as normative. Normative influences may be the underlying motivations behind certain types of conformity; however, researchers believe that after time, informational influences such as confidence in the accuracy of one’s intergroup norms is positively correlated with distinguished level of compromise.
Outside the conscious mind, a type of conformity is behavioral mimicry, otherwise known as the chameleon effect. Behavioral mimicry is when individuals mimic behaviors such as facial expressions, postures, and mannerisms between other individuals. Researchers found that individuals subconsciously conformed to the mannerisms of their partners and friends and liked these partners more who mirrored them. This is important in regard to rapport building and forming new social relationships-we mirror the behaviors we are supposed to, to get to where we want to belong in the group. People are motivated to conform in order to gain social approval, as well as enhance and protect their own self-esteems. However, people who wish to combat conformity and fight that need to belong with the majority group can do so by focusing on their own self-worth or by straying from the attitudes and norms of others. This can establish a sense of uniqueness within an individual. Yet, most individuals keep positive assessments of themselves and still conform to valued groups.


When our belongingness needs are not met, Wilkowski and colleagues (2009) suggest that self-regulation is used to fulfill one’s need to belong. Self-regulation is defined as the process of regulating oneself, or changing one’s behavior, to manage short-term desires according to the self regulation theory. Self-regulation can occur in many different ways. One of these ways uses other individual’s gaze(s) as a reference to understand how attention should be divided. This effect is especially seen within individuals that have low levels of self-esteem. Interpersonal acceptance is not met in individuals with low self-esteem, which prompts them to self-regulate by looking to others for guidance with regards to where to focus attention. Belongingness contributes to this level of self-esteem. Baumeister, Dewall, Ciarocco, and Twenge (2005) found that when people are socially excluded from a group, self-regulation is less likely to be than those who have a heightened sense of belonging. For example, participants were told that the other people in the study did not want to work with them and as a consequence they would have to complete a task on their own. Later, those participants were offered a plate of cookies. The participants that were told that nobody in the group wanted to work with them took more cookies than those who were not told given this information, which provides evidence that a lack of belongingness inhibits people’s ability to self-regulate. Self-regulation includes impulse control and allows one to manage short-term impulses and have a heightened sense of belongingness within an ingroup. An ingroup is a social group in which a person psychologically defines themselves as being a member of that specific group. By being a part of this group, one has a better ability to self-regulate.
g is rooted in evolutionary history. Human beings are social animals. Humans have matured over a long period of time in dyadic and group contexts. Humans evolved in small groups which depended on having close connections in order to fulfill survival and reproductive needs. Unlike other species, humans receive most of what they need from their social group rather than directly from his or her natural environment, suggesting that the human strategy for survival depends on belonging. This explains why a large body of evidence suggests that people are happier and healthier when they experience social belonging. In contrast, lacking belonging and being excluded is perceived as painful and has a variety of negative effects including, shame anger and depression. Because belongingness is a central component of human functioning, social exclusion has been found to influence many behavioral, cognitive and emotional outcomes. Given the negative consequences of social exclusion and social rejection, people developed traits that function to prevent rejection and encourage acceptance.
The need to belong is among the most fundamental of all personality processes. Given the negative consequences of social rejection people developed traits that function to encourage acceptance and to prevent rejection. But if the need to belong evolved to provide people with a means of meeting their basic needs for survival and reproduction based on evolutionary experiences, thwarting the need to belong should affect a variety of outcomes. Because it strikes at the core of human functioning, people respond very strongly to social exclusion.
Both interpersonal rejection and acceptance are psychologically powerful events. Feeling disliked, excluded, unappreciated, or devalued can stir up negative emotions in an individual. Some of these negative emotions include a lower self-esteem, aggressive actions and antisocial. However, believing you are liked, included, appreciated, or valued elicits feelings of higher self-esteem and confidence boosts. A different number of events can lead individuals to feel accepted versus rejected. We can simply see the power of interpersonal acceptance and rejection when accepted vs. ostracized by a group, adored vs. abandoned by a romantic partner, or elected vs. defeated in an election.
However, in all examples, people’s feelings begin from perceived relational evaluation. Perceived relational evaluation is the degree to which you perceive others value having a relationship with you. You will feel more accepted if another person or group regards your relationship with them as real and just as important to them as it is to you. But if they regard that relationship as unimportant, you will feel rejected and respond negatively.
In a series of experiments, Buckley, Winkel, and Leary found that the effects of rejection are more potent than the effects of acceptance because negative feelings can cause more feelings of hurt and pain, which in turn can lead to aggression and negative behaviors. They also found people's reactions to extreme and moderate rejection were similar, suggesting that once one has been rejected by an individual or group, the severity of the rejection is less important.

Procedural justice

Procedural justice, in terms of belongingness, according to van Prooijen and colleagues (2004), is the process by which people judge their level of belongingness in terms of their ability to contribute to a group. Members of a highly inclusive group show a higher level of procedural justice, meaning that individuals that experience high levels of inclusion respond in a more extreme manner to decisions allocated by members of their ingroup than those that are handed down from members of an outgroup. In other words, a person is more likely to believe and support fairness decisions made by members of an ingroup in which they feel like they are a part of, compared to an ingroup in which they do not feel as strongly connected. De Cremer and Blader (2006) found that when people feel a heightened sense of belongingness, they process information about procedural justice in a more careful and systematic way. This means that when people feel like they belong, they are more likely to examine procedural justice issues in a more thorough manner than if they do not feel like they belong.


Fairness principles are applied when belongingness needs are met. Van Prooojen and colleagues (2004) found that fairness maintains an individual’s sense of inclusion in social groups. Fairness can be used as an inclusion maintenance tool. Relationships are highly valued within groups, so members of those groups will seek out fairness cues in order to understand these relationships. De Cremer and colleagues (2013) suggest that individuals with a high need to belong care more about procedural fairness information and therefore pay closer attention to incoming information. Furthermore, Cornelis, Van Hiel, De Cremer and Mayer (2013) propose that leaders of a group are likely to be more fair when they are aware that the followers of the group have a high need to belong versus a low need to belong. This means that when a leader is aware that the members of their group are motivated to fit in and adhere to group values, the leader will be more fair. Leaders will also be more fair in congruence with the amount of empathy the leader feels for the followers. Empathetic leaders are more likely to pay attention to each follower’s differences and will consider their follower’s belongingness needs when making decisions. In addition, Cornelis, Van Hiel, & De Cremer (2012) discovered that leaders will be more fair in granting their followers voice when the leader is aware that the follower has a high need to belong. This occurs because of the attraction a leader feels to the follower and to the group. Leaders that are attracted to their followers and to the group will be motivated by the follower’s need to belong to allow them a greater voice in the group.

Behavior/social problems

Belongingness, also referred to as connectedness, has been established as a strong risk/protective factor for depressive symptoms. There is growing evidence that the interpersonal factor of belongingness is strongly associated with depressive symptoms. The impression of low relational value is consciously experienced as reduced self-esteem. Reduced self-esteem is a fundamental element of depressive symptoms. According to these views, belongingness perceptions have a direct effect upon depressive symptoms due to innate neurological mechanisms. A number of studies have confirmed a strong link between belongingness and depressive symptoms using the Sense of Belonging Instrument-Psychological measurement. This measurement scale contains 14 items which invoke the social world. An example being, “I don’t feel that there is any place where I really fit in this world.” The SOBI-P is intended to measure a general sense of belonging.
Group membership has been found to have both negative and positive associations with behavior problems. Gender differences have been consistently observed in terms of internalizing and externalizing behavior problems. Girls reported more internalizing behaviors such as depression, and boys reporting more externalizing problems. However, by providing a sense of security and peer acceptance, group membership may reduce the tendency to develop internalizing problems such as depression or anxiety. A lack of group membership is associated with behavior problems and puts adolescents at a greater risk for both externalizing and internalizing problems. However, the need to belong may sometimes result in individuals conforming to delinquent peer groups and engaging in morally questionable activities, such as lying or cheating.
People who are depressed often fail to satisfy their need for belonging in relationships and therefore, report fewer intimate relationships. Those who are depressed appear to induce negative affect in other individuals, which consequently elicits rejection and the loss of socially rewarding opportunities. Depressed people are less likely to feel a sense of belonging and are more likely to pay attention to negative social interactions. Research has found that depressive symptoms may sensitize people to everyday experiences of both social rejection and social acceptance.


Numerous studies have indicated that low belonging, acquired ability to self-injure, and burdensomeness are associated with suicidal behaviors. A recent theoretical development: interpersonal theory of suicidal behavior, offers an explanation for the association between parental displacement and suicidal behavior. Thomas Joiner, who recently proposed an interpersonal theory of suicide, suggests that two elements must be present in order for suicidal behavior to occur. The first element is the desire for suicide and the second is the acquired capability for suicide. In turn, the desire for suicide, is broken into two components: thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. Together these two components create a motivational force for suicidal behavior. Specifically speaking of adolescent suicidal behavior, the theory proposes that suicidal behavior is a result of individuals having a desire for death and the acquired ability to self-inflict injuries. Increased acquired ability refers to a lack of pain response during self-injury which has been found to be linked to the number of suicide attempts in a lifetime.
Displacement from parents includes events such as abandonment of the adolescent, divorce, or death of a parent. Parental relationships are a representation of belonging for adolescents because parents may be particularly important for providing the stable and caring relationships that are a fundamental component of belonging. Relationships between parents and adolescents that are positive have been found to be a protective factor that reduces the risk of suicidal behavior in adolescents. Connectedness with parents such as closeness between parent and child and the perceived caring of parents, has been associated with lower levels of past suicide attempts and ideation. Another protective factor found against adolescent suicide attempts was higher levels of parental involvement.
According to Baumeister and Leary, belongingness theory proposes that the desire for death is caused by failed interpersonal processes. Similar to Joiner, one is a thwarted sense of belonging due to an unmet need to belong and the other process being a sense that one is a burden on others. They argue that all individuals have a fundamental need to belong. This need to belong is only met if an individual has frequent, positive interactions with others and feels cared about by significant others. The concept of low belonging suggested by interpersonal theory of suicidal behavior is most relevant to parental displacement and adolescent suicidal behavior because it is likely that parental displacement would affect perceived belonging of adolescents. It was found that adolescents who averaged at about the age of 16, who experienced both low levels of belonging and displacement had the highest risk for suicide. Parental displacement would disrupt the parent-adolescent relationship and consequently would diminish both the frequency and quality of interactions between the two, reducing the adolescent’s sense of belonging.
A study conducted on suicide notes, examined the frequency in themes of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness in samples of suicide notes. The study of suicide notes has been a useful method for examining the motivations of suicides. It is important to note that this research is limited due to the small proportion of completed suicides that actually leave notes. This specific study explored the extent to which the content in the suicide notes reflected thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. They also examined the extent to which these two themes were found in the same note. What this study found was that interpersonal theory of suicide which proposes suicidal behavior is caused by perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness combined with acquired capability, was not significantly reflective in the suicide notes. Therefore, there was no strong support for the relevance of perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness as motivations of suicide. They did however, find that the suicide notes of women more frequently contained the theme of perceived burdensomeness and suicide notes of younger people more frequently contained thwarted belongingness.

Monday, March 20, 2017

"The Limbic Imprint" Begins at Conception Determines Life

"The Limbic Imprint" Begins at Conception Determines Life

The fetus, post conception begins recording all sensory information that constitutes the potential infant's "Limbic Imprint". The new baby prior to birth, during birth and through the age of two records experienced sensory information in the limbic imprint that is prior to the development of speech. The newborn infant is an extremely sensitive being, in fact, more sensitive than he/she will ever be during the adult life. The newborn has the ability to experience all of the sensations and feelings, yet will not cognitively be able to recall them.          

Since conception, the newborn's early feelings, sensations, impressions experienced and recorded in limbic memory, remain throughout our lives. Twenty five years of thorough research and studies in the field of prenatal psychology show undoubtedly a direct correlation between the way we were born and the subconscious behavioral and emotional patterns in our adult lives. This is due to the mechanism called "limbic imprint".

The basic structure of the human infant brain brain at the tip of the spinal cord there is a segment called the reptilian brain, responsible purely for the physiological functions of the body. The part of the brain that still remains functional when a person is in a coma. The basic physiology of the body  continues to function, the female coma patient's menstruation and pregnancy can continue gestation. The cortex, referred to as "gray matter," responsible for our mental activity. The part of the brain responsible for cognitive functions: logic, calculating, planning. And the limbic system within the brain, responsible for emotions, sensations and feelings. Limbic imprinting occurs in that part of the brain, which is not directly connected with the cortex, responsible for cognitive memory. 

During gestation, birth and early childhood, the limbic system registers all of our sensations and feelings, without translating it into language of cortex, simply because it's not developed yet. That memory lives in the body through out the rest of our life whether we know of it or not. We are born into this world eyes wide-open to receive love from our maternal and genetic linked mother. When we do receive love, as our first primal experience, our nervous system is limbically imprinted – "programmed" with the undeniable rightness of being. Being held in the mother's loving arms, feeding from her breast and seeing the great joy in father's eyes, provides us with the natural sense of bliss and security; it sets the world as the right place of genetic safety and biological comfort.

If our first impressions of being in the body are anything less than loving (painful, frightening, isolated), then that "anything" imprints as a valid experience of love. It is immediately coded into our nervous system as a "comfort zone," acting as a surrogate for the love and nurturing, regardless of how painful, frustrating and undesirable it actually was. And in the future, as adults, we will unconsciously, automatically re-create the conditions that were imprinted at birth and through our early childhood.

Research in prenatal psychology, Dr.Thomas Verny, Dr. David Chamberlain, Dr. William Emerson shows that an overwhelming amount of physical conditions and behavioral disorders in are the direct result of traumatic gestation time and complications during delivery, including unnecessary mechanical interventions, including overdose of anesthesia.
On top of the devastating effect of trauma during the birth, what happens after it,- like routine impersonal postpartum care,- is also a source of psychological fear: lack of immediate warm, soft and nurturing contact with the mother, premature cutting of the cord, rude handling, circumcision, needles, bright lights, startling noises... all this sensory overload becomes instantly wired into the newborn's nervous systems as the new "comfort zone"...against all logic. 

As logic resides in a different part of the brain, which is not yet developed. That person will continue to unconsciously recreate/attract the same repeated situation of perceived abuse and/or become abusive. Even if later on in life rational mind/cortex will recognize this as pattern of "abuse," the imprinting already experienced in a different part of the brain, which doesn't have the skill to reason or stop the pattern.

According to a 1995 study by Dr.William Emerson, 95% of all births in the United States are considered traumatic, 50% rated as "moderate," and 45% as "severe" trauma. As tramatic birth experience affects all of us. Born into excruciating labor pains, into the numbness and toxicity of anesthesia, we are limbically imprinted for suffering and numbness. Traumatic birth strips us of our power and impairs our capacity to love, trust, be intimate and experience our true potential. Addictions, poor problem-solving skills, low self-esteem, inability of compassion, to be responsible, - all these problems have been linked to birth trauma. 

Normally, a woman gives birth the way she herself was born, due to the same mechanism of limbic imprint. That's all her body knows about "how-to" procreate. If she was born with complications, it's most likely, that she will automatically repeat that scenario. Unless she consciously alters that limbic memory, she will unconsciously hand down her own birth trauma to her daughter, as she herself received it from her mother. Giving birth for the first time is a huge step in healing. That's why the following deliveries are usually much easier. That, of course, is a very general observation.

The Mantra "We Fell In Love" Adoptive Mothers

"Fell In Love" The Adoptive Mother Mantra

Almost every adoptive mother that tells "her" story,
the over-used mantra "we fell in love" is used to describe
her feelings. In reality "falling in love" is a romantic notion
that describes the temporary insanity of two young kids that feel desperate without each other. In the adoptive mother case she is desperate for a baby, is driven by resources (money) and demands to get one. To fall in love is between two individuals that are equal in class and both experience mutual feelings.

The adopted child is not in-love with the adoptive mother...As the infant loves his own genetically linked mother, not the adoptive mother. The infant will fight the adoptive mother's intrusions, continue to refuse her until the infant's exhausted hope devastates his awareness of his mother's absence. Where all hope is lost for the infant, depression sets in as he gives up in the face of defeat. In the sorrow of misery the infant has lost, his anguish and despair is all that he has left as the baby gives up on his short life and prefers annihilation to the constant state of being in his mother's absence. Where all hope is lost for the lost infant, he still can remember the tranquility of his mother's womb as if he survives, he will never forget his mother's world and the object of which he loves.  

Monday, March 13, 2017

The Best Interests of the Child


"The Best Interests" of a Child"
The most serious and discounting contingent factor that   "overrides" this list of child-rights,
#3 "the care, protection and safety". Adoption is considered
superior and "permanent" to the foster family placement, but in reality, permanency is not guaranteed to this child but assumed by the court. (Regardless of current stability, adjustment and years of content in the foster placement) Is the unfulfilled promise that child adoption guarantees in a percentage of child adoptions. Where a happy, well adjusted and thriving child living as a member of the foster parent's family. Removing this child from their established foster family situation is guaranteed damaging, regress and produce emotional strife for the foster child being removed and placed with strangers in the new adoption placement that is considered "In the child's best interest".    
The following is based on the United Nation's Convention on the rights of the child 
Depending on the status of U.S. "ratification" of these rights in the country.
The U.S. has not formally ratified these rights, and they are used as a general guideline                    in U.S. Court Procedures. 
The following aspects are relevant for the best interests of the child:
  • The child’s views and aspirations;
  • The identity of the child, including age and gender, personal history and background;
  • The care, protection and safety of the child;
  • The child’s well-being;
  • The family environment, family relations and contact;
  • Social contacts of the child with peers and adults;
  • Situations of vulnerability, i.e. the risks that the child is facing and the sources of protection, resiliency and empowerment;
  • The child’s skills and evolving capacities;
  • The rights and needs with regard to health and education;
  • The development of the child and her or his gradual transition into adulthood and an independent life;
  • Any other specific needs of the child.

Procedural safeguards in best interests’ determinations

Procedural safeguards and documentation in best interests’ determinations include:
  • The right of the child to express her or his views and to have them taken into account: In a judicial or administrative procedure, children have the right to be heard and to have their views taken into account.
    • The process of hearing the child needs to be documented, with a clear description of how the child’s views are balanced against other views and other information sources. The communication with the child has to be effective and child-sensitive and might require quality interpretation and cultural mediation. In cases of unaccompanied or separated children, the role of the guardian or representative is essential to facilitate the communication between the child and the authorities.
    • The child has a right to a hearing when the decision making body is a court. The hearing should be held without delay in a child-sensitive way and prevent secondary victimisation of child victims and witnesses in judicial proceedings.
    • The child’s age, gender and background, the child’s level of development and evolving capacities should be considered.
    • Child-friendly information in a language that the child understands, enabling the child to form an opinion and to express her or his views should be provided.
    • In transnational cases, children who do not speak the language of the country of destination have a right to translation and interpretation. Interpretation should be made available free of charge and with a neutral bearing when interpreters are directly involved.
  • Guardianship and representation: children have a right to an independent representative or guardian who is competent and equipped to represent and promote the best interests of the child.
  • Legal representation: When the best interests of a child are formally decided by a court or other competent body, the child is entitled to legal representation, legal information and defence, including for children applying for asylum or special protection as victims of crime.
  • Legal reasoning: Decisions need to be documented, motivated in detail, justified and explained, including how the decision is considered to relate to the best interests of the child and how the underlying considerations have been balanced to arrive at the decision.
  • Mechanisms to review or revise decisions: Formal mechanisms have to be in place to reopen or review decisions on the best interests of a child. Children need access to support in accessing and using these mechanisms. It has to be clearly established when a case or decision can be reopened or reviewed, as for instance when there is new evidence or when the authorities have not been able to implement the first decision.
  • Right to appeal: Best interests’ determinations are subject to legal remedies. Children need to have access and support, such as legal assistance and representation, to appeal a decision. During the appeal procedure the implementation is suspended. For decisions concerning transfer or return of a child to another county, sufficient time must be available between the decision and the execution of the decision, to enable the child to hand in an appeal or request a review of the decision.

Balancing rights and interests in best interests’ determinations

The different elements considered in an assessment and determination of the best interests of a child may appear to be competing or in contradiction. Potential conflicts are solved on a case-by-case basis. The right of the child to have her or his best interests taken as a primary consideration means that the child’s interests have high priority and are not just one of several considerations. A larger weight is attached to what serves the child best:
  • The possibility of harm outweighs other factors;
  • The child’s right to be brought up by her or his parents is a fundamental principle;
  • A child’s best interests can generally best be met with her or his family, except where there are safety concerns;
  • The survival and development of the child are generally ensured best by remaining in or maintaining close contacts with the family and the child’s social and cultural networks;
  • Matters related to health, education and vulnerability are important factors; and
  • Continuity and stability of the child’s situation are important.

Freud's "Family Romance" Is Fact In Adopted Children


Freud's "Family Romance" Is Fact In adopted Children

Sigmund Freud, the famous Viennese architect of psychoanalysis, had a significant influence on modern adoption theory and practice. So did his daughter Anna Freud, who carried on her father’s legacy after his death in 1939 and became well known in her own right as a developmental researcher, a child analyst, and a theorist of “psychological parenthood.”
Freudian ideas about unconscious desires, erotic instincts, and critical childhood stages in the formation of adult personality and behavior shaped the way that many parents and professionals thought about adoption, especially its special challenges and potential hazards. Early in the twentieth century, physicians, artists, and feminists were in the vanguard of Americans interested in psychoanalysis. Freud lectured at Clark University in 1909 and his translated writings made him a more popular figure in the United States than in any other country in the world. Freud always maintained that the American version of psychoanalysis was hopelessly naive and ridiculously optimistic—he called it a “gigantic mistake”—but Americans paid little attention. They embraced psychoanalysis as a practical means to cure a variety of ailments related to personal adjustment, sexual happiness, and family life. Adoption was just one example.
One starting point for Freud’s approach to development was the belief that becoming an individual required escape, over the course of childhood, from the absolute power and love of parents. In order to accomplish this liberation, he argued, children invariably called upon fantasies—acted out in play and daydreams—and imagined that their “real” parents were much better, kinder, and more exalted than the imperfect people who were actually raising them. Freud called these comforting but entirely fabricated fairy tales the “family romance.” The fictional stories that children told themselves about their origins mattered because they linked Freudian theory directly to adoption.
Freud’s prototypical “family romance”—the one he assumed virtually all children experienced and occasionally remembered—was an adoption scenario. This scenario was developmentally useful precisely because it remained imaginary. It allowed children to safely express ambivalence and anger toward their parents, all the while encouraging them to develop independent identities necessary to becoming a healthy adults.
What worked for most children, however, caused definite problems for children who actually were adopted. Adoptees who imagined another set of parents were not engaged in benign falsehood. They were facing up to reality. “There is a real element of mystery in the illegitimate child’s background which makes such correction by reality either impossible or unconvincing,” wrote social worker Mary Brisley in 1939. The convergence of fantasy and real life was the key issue for psychoanalytically inclined clinicians in social work and psychiatry whose interests included adoption. Viola Bernard, Florence Clothier, Leontine Young, and Marshall Schechter were just a few examples. Psychoanalytic ideas crowded the adoption world from World War II on. Erik Erikson’s concepts of “identity” and “identity crisis” were among the most widely disseminated Freudian ideas, applicable to adolescent development and youth movements in general as well as adoption in particular.
Because the loss of natal parents was an all-too-real component of adoption, the family romances of adopted children pointed toward unanswered and sometimes unanswerable questions. Who were my birth parents? Why did they give me away? Was there something wrong with me? Such painful dilemmas were deeply implicated in the problematic self-images and flawed relationships that some adoptees manifested, and that came to the attention of clinicians. It is not surprising that parents and professionals who took the Freudian family romance seriously favored adoption policies and practices, such as matching, that tried to erase natal kinship, hence concealing the emotionally difficult truth that one set of parents had been lost and replaced with another.
Even at the height of enthusiasm about confidentiality and sealed records, the ritual of "telling" children about their adoptions acknowledged that adoptees were different than their non-adopted peers. Adoptees’ family romances were more like nightmares than daydreams, and they had the potential to produce deep sadness and distress. Knowing that they had indeed been given away, and feeling that their very self-hood was divided and incomplete, adoptees were at special risk for a range of psychopathologies. Freud’s developmental theory implied that adoptees faced emotional challenges inseparable from the adoption process itself, hence anticipating and helping to bring into being more recent concerns with loss and attachment.
Psychoanalytic approaches to birth parents and adoptive parents also circulated widely in medicine, social work, clinical psychology, and the popular press. By midcentury, illegitimacy was widely perceived as the result of unhappy and destructive parent-child relationships that remained both unconscious and unresolved in adolescence and adulthood. Seen through this Freudian lens, adoptions of children born to unmarried women were no longer tragedies to be avoided, but constructive acts that transferred children to adoptive parents whose psychological (and other) qualifications were superior to those of their neurotic birth mothers. On the other hand, the infertility that logically motivated married couples to adopt was also suspected of having unconscious sources that might signal neurosis or worse.
All parties to adoption, in other words, shared some form of psychological dysfunction. After 1945, the goal of home studies and other therapeutic practices was increasingly to guarantee that professionals trained in psychoanalysis and other human sciences would play a crucial managerial role in the adoption process. Even Jesse Taft, a leading educator who disliked the orthodox Freudian emphasis on trauma—it “implies fear of life itself” she wrote in dismay—believed that skilled psychological interpretation and help belonged at the heart of adoption. With the skills to explore the emotional minefield that placement exposed, the psychological engineers who oversaw family-formation confirmed that adoption was abnormal while also promising to normalize it. Sigmund Freud’s chief legacy, in adoption and elsewhere in American culture, was to multiply deviations and simultaneously insist on their cure....                                                                                                                                                                                                                  But the psychological experts forgot the "cure" in adoption dysfunction that has become the norm in American adoption culture that insists that adopted children adapt and ignore the adoption fabrications and accept them as adoption reality. To say that pretending adoption is normal is mentally healthy and denying that adoption is abnormal is psychological dysfunction.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Disconnected Adopted Child


Adopted-Child's Disconnection

The psychological definition of normal human connection:
When we think of Connectiveness, we think about the extent to which children believe:
  • #1. they are part of something
  • The adopted child is outside looking in, not part.
  • #2. they can relate to other people
  • The adopted child can't relate in a group of biological strangers.
  • #3. they can identify with special groups
  • The adopted child is isolated from his true self.
  • #4. they have a sense of heritage
  • The adopted child has no heritage.
  • #5. that something important belongs to them
  • The adopted child does not belong.
  • #6. that they belong to something or someone
  • The adopted child belongs to no one, but is owned by adoption.
  • #7. that people or things they are connected to are held in high esteem by others.
  • The adopted child is absent from self-esteem.
  • #8. that they are important...
  • The adopted child is insignificant.
  • #9. that they are connected to their own bodies...
  • The adopted child is disconnected.
It is important to observe and beware of connectiveness in the life of your teenager as there are usually clear signs that he is not feeling connected. He may feel more comfortable in groups. He may think he is a loner, have a hard time communicating or maintaining friendships, be shy and withdrawn, or aggressive and demanding.
Too little connection leaves a teenager feeling alone, abandoned and isolated.  Too much connection may give an impression the teen possesses little sense of self, or is too conforming and overly dependent.
By being observant, you will be mindful of some of the factors that may lead to low self-esteem. Your awareness could also uncover other problems that your teen may be experiencing or will experience in the days to come.
In my next post, I will write about some ways that parents and caregivers can increase the connectiveness of their adolescent. There are practical steps that you can take to make sure your teenager is feeling connected to you and to her family. Connectiveness will have a major impact on how she relates to her entire world in the years to come.

Intentional Distortion By Adoptive Parents & Normal Childhood Development

Intentional Destortions By Adoptive Parents
& Normal Childhood Development
All human children begin life in egocentric thinking, selfish or from the child individual's point of view as the mind is too immature to comprehend the other's perspective. Adult social behavior defines behavioral rules of what is and is not acceptable conduct.
In adolescence and early adulthood egocentric thinking does not completely dissolve but the adult's quick thinking alters their selfish responses to a more acceptable social manner when engaging in interpersonal relationships.

The adopted child is no different in their childhood development, yet adoptive parents seem to expect the impossible from a young child's ability. The most common complaint by disappointed adoptive parents is that their adopted child is not grateful for the adoptive parent's sacrifices. No biological child is held accountable for the decisions of their parents, so why is the adopted child held accountable to a different set of standards that no biological parent would force on their own offspring? The fact that a child has no ability to understand or comprehend the complex concepts that the mature adult deals with everyday. The common concepts that adoptive parents complain about in forums:

#1. The financial loans, mortgages, money and interest borrowing to finance the child adoption.... No child or adopted child should be held accountable for the good or bad adult financial decisions of the parents. The financial strain created by adoption financing is the sole problem of the adopting parents, they should never have committed to such an endeavor, especially when the parent's would blame a child for their poor decision making that amounts to psychological immaturity and risks the mental health of the adopted child.

#2. The concept of adoption... is a concept that is too complex to comprehend until adolescence, that is why it is introduced in childhood, as the child has no idea of what it means. In cognitive development the adopted child gradually realizes the monumental implications of consequences that are ignored by adoptive parents and the child is expected to be happy about loosing everything.

#3. The adoptive parents complain that the adopted child will not bond with the adoptive mother, is closed-off or is not affectionate.
The adopted child's biological family's collective genetic traits, personalities and temperaments are far different than the traits and personality functioning of the adoptive family. The adopted child has their own origins, parents, family, culture and identity that is vastly different than the adoptive family. The multiple traumas that the newborn adopted child has had to endure are ignored like a blank slate as these violations occurred before coming to the adoptive family....but does not erase these very real traumatic experiences that impact the psyche of the inexperienced child's mind.

#4. The "savior" adoptive parent mentality...The savior title might bring the adoptive mother social recognition, status and awards,
but the "savior" title means nothing to a child. When the savior concept is taught to an adopted child, they are expected to behave in specific manners defined by the idea that the parent is omnipotent. The "god" like adoptive mother expecting the adopted child to act "thankful as a follower" of the adoptive parent as God. The worst manifestation within the distorted adoptive parent thinking, the construct that they project onto the adopted child as a "sinner" that is flawed in their individuality, person-hood and in their humanity. Although it is a constant boosting to the adoptive parent's ego, the adopted child's ego, self-worth and self esteem is ruined in the savior/sinner process.

The irresponsible and damaging adoptive parent's dangerous schemas, irrational projections and fear based behaviors that are forced on adopted children cause more trauma, more distorted thinking and dysfunctional ways of coping that arrest a child's normal development. This outlines the "adopted child's role" as a possession owned by the adoptive mother, and not as a unique individual that has worth and will make their own path in the world. The distorted way the adopted child is treated by the adoptive mother will forever compromise the adoptee's life and destroy their ability to be spontaneous, free and creative with their life. What constitutes control and domination by adoptive parents forever deprives the adopted child of childhood, innocence and the ability to thrive in the world is forever relegated to being owned as a prisoner of adoption circumstances that will always define the adult adoptee in a negative capacity.
Normal Stages of Development in Children:
Egocentrism, Concept Development and Comprehension:
Only when entering the concrete-operational stage of development at age seven to twelve, children became less egocentric and could appreciate viewpoints other than their own. In other words, they were capable of cognitive perspective-taking.
"the young adolescent, because of the physiological metamorphosis he is undergoing, is primarily concerned with himself. Accordingly, since he fails to differentiate between what others are thinking about and his own mental preoccupations, he assumes that other people are obsessed with his behavior and appearance as he is himself." This shows that the adolescent is exhibiting egocentrism, by struggling to distinguish whether or not, in actuality, others are as fond of them as they might think because their own thoughts are so prevalent. Adolescents consider themselves as "unique, special, and much more socially significant than they actually are."

Elkind also created terms to help describe the egocentric behaviors exhibited by the adolescent population such as what he calls an imaginary audience, the personal fable, and the invincibility fable. Usually when an egocentric adolescent is experiencing an imaginary audience, it entails the belief that there is an audience captivated and constantly present to an extent of being overly interested about the egocentric individual. Personal fable refers to the idea that many teenagers believe their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are unique and more extreme than anyone else's. In the invincibility fable, the adolescent believes in the idea that he or she is immune to misfortune and cannot be harmed by things that might defeat a normal person. Egocentrism in adolescence is often viewed as a negative aspect of their thinking ability because adolescents become consumed with themselves and are unable to effectively function in society due to their skewed version of reality and cynicism.
There are various reasons as to why adolescents experience egocentrism:
  • Adolescents are often faced with new social environments (for example, starting secondary school) which require the adolescent to protect the self which may lead to egocentrism.
  • Development of the adolescent's identity may lead to the individual experiencing high levels of uniqueness which subsequently becomes egocentric – this manifests as the personal fable.
  • Parental rejection may lead to the adolescents experiencing high levels of self-consciousness, which can lead to egocentrism.
A study was completed on 163 undergraduate students to examine the adolescent egocentrism in college students. Students were asked to complete a self-report questionnaire to determine the level of egocentrism present. The questions simply asked for the reactions that students had to seemingly embarrassing situations. It was found that adolescent egocentrism was more prevalent in the female population than the male. This again exemplifies the idea that egocentrism is present in even late adolescence.
Results from other studies have come to the conclusion that egocentrism does not present itself in some of the same patterns as it was found originally. More recent studies have found that egocentrism is prevalent in later years of development unlike Piaget's original findings that suggested that egocentrism is only present in early childhood development. Egocentrism is especially dominant in early adolescence, particularly when adolescents encounter new environments, such as a new school or a new peer group.
In addition, throughout adolescence egocentrism contribute to the development of self-identity; in order to achieve self-identity, adolescents go through different pathways of "crisis" and "commitment" stages, and higher self-identity achievement was found to be correlated with heightened egocentrism


Children’s first words are generally composed of nouns: the people and things in their lives.  Children start to understand and use verbs more frequently as their vocabularies build.  They then begin to use modifiers and adjectives.  Concepts are among these early modifiers and adjectives.  Children acquire these concepts at different stages in their development.  Read on for conceptual milestones for children ages 1 through 6.

Conceptual milestones for children ages 1 through 6:

Ages 1-2
  • Follows simple commands using spatial terms in or on
  • Uses a few spatial terms such as in or on
  • Uses simple directional terms such as up or down
Ages 2-3
  • Understands number concepts such as 1 or 2
  • Understanding of spatial terms become mastered with in, on, off, under, out
  • Begins to understand same/different
  • Time concepts begin to emerge, specifically with soon, later, wait
  • Begins to use color and size vocabulary
Ages 3-4
  • Advances spatial terms to understanding next to, besides, between
  • Uses spatial terms behind, in front, around
  • Begins to follow quantity directions such as a lot and empty
  • Identifies colors
  • Identifies what is different
Ages 4-5
  • Understands comparing concepts such as big, bigger, biggest
  • Advances time concepts to days of the week, yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week
  • Understands sequence terms such as first, then, next and first, middle, last
  • Understands the following concepts different, near, through, thin, whole
Ages 5-6
  • Understands opposites such as big/little, over/under
  • Understands right/left
  • Understands number concepts through 20
  • Can describe how things are same and different
  • Use conceptual terms to describe
Like all speech and language milestones, concepts developmentally emerge in children’s vocabulary.  If you are concerned with your child’s language milestones, particularly with their conceptual knowledge.

Toddlers (12–24 months)

Cognitive development
  • Enjoys object-hiding activities.
  • Early in this period, the child always searches in the same location for a hidden object (if the child has watched the hiding of an object). Later, the child will search in several locations.
  • Passes toy to other hand when offered a second object (referred to as "crossing the midline" – an important neurological development).
  • Manages three to four objects by setting an object aside (on lap or floor) when presented with a new toy.
  • Puts toys in mouth less often.
  • Enjoys looking at picture.
  • Demonstrates understanding of functional relationships (objects that belong together): Puts spoon in bowl and then uses spoon as if eating; places teacup in saucer and sips from cup; tries to make doll stand up.
  • Shows or offers toy to another person to look at.
  • Names many everyday objects.
  • Shows increasing understanding of spatial and form discrimination: puts all pegs in a pegboard; places three geometric shapes in large formboard or puzzle.
  • Places several small items (blocks, clothespins, cereal pieces) in a container or bottle and then dumps them out.
  • Tries to make mechanical objects work after watching someone else do so.
  • Responds with some facial movement, but cannot truly intimate facial expressions.
  • Most children with autism are diagnosed at this age.
  • Two-year-old

  • Cognitive
    • Eye–hand movements better coordinated; can put objects together, take them apart; fit large pegs into pegboard.
    • Begins to use objects for purposes other than intended (may push a block around as a boat).
    • Does simple classification tasks based on single dimension (separates toy dinosaurs from toy cars).
    • Seems fascinated by, or engrossed in, figuring out situations: where the tennis ball rolled, where the dog went, what caused a particular noise.
    • Attends to self-selected activities for longer periods of time. Discovering cause and effect: squeezing the cat makes them scratch.
    • Knows where familiar persons should be; notes their absence; finds a hidden object by looking in last hiding place first. (This is what Piaget termed object permanence, which usually occurs during the sensorimotor stage of Piaget's childhood theory of cognitive development)
    • Names familiar objects.
    • Recognizes, expresses, and locates pain.
    • Expected to use "magical thinking".
    • Tells about objects and events not immediately present (this is both a cognitive and linguistic advance).
    • Expresses more curiosity about the world.


Cognitive development
  • Listens attentively to age-appropriate stories.
  • Makes relevant comments during stories, especially those that relate to home and family events.
  • Likes to look at books and may pretend to "read" to others or explain pictures.
  • Enjoys stories with riddles, guessing, and "suspense."
  • Speech is understandable most of the time.
  • Produces expanded noun phrases: "big, brown dog."
  • Produces verbs with "ing" endings; uses "-s" to indicate more than one; often puts "-s" on already pluralized forms: geeses, mices.
  • Indicates negatives by inserting "no" or "not" before a simple noun or verb phrase: "Not baby."
  • Answers "What are you doing?", "What is this?", and "Where?" questions dealing with familiar objects and events.

4 Year-Old
  • Can recognize that certain words sound similar
  • Names eighteen to twenty uppercase letters. Writes several letters and sometimes their name.
  • A few children are beginning to read simple books, such as alphabet books with only a few words per page and many pictures.
  • Likes stories about how things grow and how things operate.
  • Delights in wordplay, creating silly Language.
  • Understands the concepts of "tallest," "biggest," "same," and "more"; selects the picture that has the "most houses" or the "biggest dogs."
  • Rote counts to 20 or more.
  • Understands the sequence of daily events: "When we get up in the morning, we get dressed, have breakfast, brush our teeth, and go to school."
  • When looking at pictures, can recognize and identify missing puzzle parts (of person, car, animal).
  • Very good storytellers.
  • Counts 1 to 7 objects out loud, but not always in order
  • Follows two to three step directions given individually or in a group
  • May put the "ed" on the end of words such as "I goed outside and I played."

5 Year-Old
  • Forms rectangle from two triangular cuts.
  • Builds steps with set of small blocks.
  • Understands concept of same shape, same size.
  • Sorts objects on the basis of two dimensions, such as color and form.
  • Sorts a variety of objects so that all things in the group have a single common feature (classification skill: all are food items or boats or animals).
  • Understands the concepts of smallest and shortest; places objects in order from shortest to tallest, smallest to largest.
  • Identifies objects with specified serial position: first, second, last.
  • Rote counts to 20 and above; many children count to 100.
  • Recognizes numerals from 1 to 10.
  • Understands the concepts of less than: "Which bowl has less water?"
  • Understands the terms dark, light, and early: "I got up early, before anyone else. It was still dark."
  • Relates clock time to daily schedule: "Time to turn on TV when the little hand points to 5."
  • Some children can tell time on the hour: five o'clock, two o'clock.
  • Knows what a calendar is for.
  • Recognizes and identifies coins; beginning to count and save money.
  • Many children know the alphabet and names of upper- and lowercase letters.
  • Understands the concept of half; can say how many pieces an object has when it's been cut in half.
  • Asks innumerable questions: Why? What? Where? When? How? Who?
  • Eager to learn new things. Curious and inquisitive.

6 Year-Old
Social and emotional
  • Uses language rather than tantrums or physical aggression to express displeasure: "That's mine! Give it back, you dummy."
  • Talks self through steps required in simple problem-solving situations (though the "logic" may be unclear to adults).
  • Has mood swings towards primary caregiver depending on the day
  • Friendship with parent is less depended on but still needs closeness and nurturing.
  • Anxious to please; needs and seeks adult approval, reassurance, and praise; may complain excessively about minor hurts to gain more attention.
  • Often can't view the world from another’s point of view
  • Self-perceived failure can make the child easily disappointed and frustrated.
  • Can't handle things not going their own way
  • Does not understand ethical behavior or moral standards especially when doing things that have not been given rules
  • Understands when he or she has been thought to be "bad"; values are based on others' enforced values.
  • May be increasingly fearful of the unknown like things in the dark, noises, and animals.
7 Year-Old
Social and emotional
  • Highly self-critical and eager to please
  • Can understand right and wrong
  • Complains a lot and has strong emotional swings
  • Ability at dealing with mistakes and failure improves

8 Year-Old
Social and emotional
  • Starts to develop a close circle of same-gender friends
  • Becomes more susceptible to peer pressure
  • Enjoys group activities
  • Prone to mood swings and melodramatics
  • Extremely impatient and may have a hard time waiting for special events such as Christmas

Nine year old

Social skills
  • Often displays an intense revulsion of the opposite gender
  • Will use physical complaints as a means of getting out of undesired tasks
  • Generally dependable and can be trusted with basic responsibilities
  • Prone to wide mood swings

Ten year old

Social skills
  • No interest in the opposite gender yet
  • Not as moody as 7-9 year olds; overall disposition tends to be cheerful and fun-oriented
  • Friendships are highly important, friends are almost exclusively same gender
  • Can have a short temper, but has learned to adjust anger levels according to the appropriateness of the situation
  • Gets along well with parents, eager to please
  • Has fewer fears than he/she did at younger ages

Eleven year old

Social and emotional development
  • Often critical of others, stubborn, and egotistical
  • Tends to display anger physically by hitting people/objects, throwing things, or slamming doors
  • Still no interest in the opposite sex
  • Friends are important, but with more arguments than before
  • May be worrisome and afraid of things

Twelve year old

Social skills
  • Overall disposition is pleasant and upbeat
  • Can become extremely excited over subjects of interest or accomplishments
  • Strongly prone to peer pressure and following trends
  • More stable friendships with less melodramatics than at 11
  • Beginning to be interested in the opposite sex, particularly girls

Thirteen year old

Thirteen year olds

  • Moody and uncomfortable with themselves and their surroundings
  • Likes to be alone and values privacy
  • Believes the world is out to get them
  • Insecure about their bodies
  • Does not get along well with adults

Fourteen year old

  • Generally pleasant, sunny disposition
  • Highly critical of parents and embarrassed by them
  • High level of interest in the opposite sex
  • Often a high interest in extracurricular activities
  • Wants to please and be popular
  • Has a large circle of both gender friends

Fifteen year old

  • Typically quarrelsome and unwilling to share their problems with others
  • Want to be independent and free of their family
  • Typically gets along better with siblings than parents
  • Friendships are highly important
  • Romantic interests and sex are common

Sixteen year old

  • Good overall relationship with family
  • Begins to see parents as human beings instead of authority figures
  • Friendships highly important, may have a wide circle of both gender friends
  • Love interests can be intense