About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Friday, February 3, 2017

The Embarrassment of Being Adopted, Adoptive Mother Refuses to Respect Child Privacy

The "Embarrassment" of Being Adopted,
Adoptive Mother Refuses to Respect Child Privacy.

This article from adoption.com is slanted toward the adoptive parent's feelings, appeal and ignores the primary person who is embarrassed by the chronic telling of the adoption story.
The adoptive mothers that proudly tell their adoption story over and over to the point that any stranger could recite it back at them. To the adoptive mother this is her story and she own it!
She has chronically recited this story so many times over to the point where the story is now an automatic response, a "bad habit" that she does not think through the consequences to the adopted child.
The article written for the benefit of the adoptive parent:
Merrilee was six when she began to act embarrassed when her mother mentioned that Merrilee had been adopted. She would squirm, pull at her mother's hand, and loudly announce that she was not adopted. "She used to be so proud of her adoption, and suddenly she's denying it," said Merrilee's mother.  
(NO child is proud of being adopted, as they have no cognitive ability to understand what adoption means....much less the ability to be happy about it. The adoptive parents are happy about adoption and the adopted child is encouraged to be happy about it too although they have no comprehension of what adoption means or how adoption effect them  and the child has no understanding of adoption consequences.)
It's not uncommon for children at this age to become embarrassed by talk of adoption. Why the sudden change of heart?
(The adopted child is embarrassed by the mother's constant need to repeat this story in-front of the adopted child, to everyone the adoptive mother comes in contact with. The child does comprehend the adoptive mother's need to explain her unattached child's origin and the words are not cohesive but excluding of the adopted child from other children. The adoptive mother does not recite her "adoption story" when she is with her other kids, her husband or grandparents as she encounters people at church or the strangers in grocery store.)
By age six or seven, children begin to realize that adoption has its downsides, as well as its benefits. At this stage, many children realize, for the first time, how it feels to be different, and adoption makes a child feel different–even a child adopted domestically into a family that racially matches the child.
(As an adopted child begins to understand what adoption really means, is contrasted by the adoptive parent's need to chronically recite the adoption story that is written and told as a fairy tale. The adopted child, as well as any child, does not like being talked about by mom while present in the same room. Especially talking about the child's adoption which excludes the adopted child from being part of their family, adoption story talk is embarrassing to kids.)
The child now understands that, although she gained a wonderful forever family, a birth family was lost in the process. This is also the age when your child begins to question whether her parents are so wonderful–she may decide that her birth mother would have given her an extra cookie, for instance. This is when you may hear for the first time, "You're not my real mother."
(When an adopted child begins to comprehend adoption, it is not based on the selfish needs for "extra cookies" that is a different age around three to four year old child's scenario. The behavior that emerges after young childhood is growing awareness of complex concepts and is not based on wanting more freedom as the author tries to down play the impact on the adopted child's cognitive awareness about being adopted.)  
The self-awareness that a six- to eight-year-old is developing includes an expanded awareness about family. For example, a five-year-old knows that she has cousins; a six-year-old realizes that Mom and Dad have cousins, too. As a child's mental capacity grows, his mind revisits the meaning of adoption. His birth parents are not just characters in a story any more, but real people who made choices, including the choice not to parent him.
(The chronic retelling of this adoption story by the adoptive mother, labels the adopted child as different, less than raised biological children and makes adopted children feel like outsiders. The adopted child already feels different inside but when mom keeps telling this same story to strangers, the adopted child feels at the mercy of the stranger, at the mercy of everyone that knows the child's story as nothing is private for the adopted child, they are not deserving of autonomy as their entire community knows the deepest darkest things about the adopted child that he does not yet know about himself. The adoptive mother gains some sort of self-esteem boost each time she tells the adoption story, as she is the hero and savior of her story. Each time the adopted child is forced to hear their adoptive mother recite her story of triumph and compassion, the adopted child hears "you are not my own child but the one I saved" and they feel embarrassed, ashamed and belittled about who and what they are. Each time we hear this tired fairy tale we feel less than other children, we feel shame that others know our private struggles and we feel worthless as human beings. The adoptive mother needs to tell her story to feel good about herself  while each time the adopted child hears this story we feel bad about ourselves.) 
As a six- to eight-year-old child begins to explore what this means emotionally, the topic of adoption becomes touchy. Some children, like Merrilee, deny their own adoption. At this developmental stage, mourning often begins for that first, lost family, even if that family is not known.
(The topic of mourning is reserved for people with deceased relatives, adopted children can't mourn as there is a possibility for future reunion. This future reunion possibility keeps loss as a temporary state in childhood  where they currently lack control over certain future plans. The adopted child's denial in this article is utilized by the child to manipulate the adoptive mother to stop talking about the child's adoption the child does not have the mental capacity to use denial as a self-preservation tactic. This is not "denial" as mature adults use it.) 

"Lying Low"

Denial is a sign that adoption talk needs to be kept private for a while, giving the child time to process her new thoughts and feelings. If it is not necessary to mention adoption to anyone at school, let the topic go.
(Adoption talk is a psychological need by the adoptive mother only. The adoptive mother should learn not to talk about adoption to others in front of her adopted child. This has nothing to do with denial although the adoptive mother is in denial of what her adopted child needs from her which is her silence from ongoing gossiping about adoption in the presence of the adopted child.)
However, knowing that the subject might arise, talk with your child about how she wants to deal with it. Does she want you to quickly change the subject, or would she prefer to answer herself? This is the time to coach your child to say, if she is willing, "I was adopted, but the subject is private. I prefer not to talk about it." And move on.
(Being adopted, the impact and manifestations from it, is a private matter. To ignore the adopted child's needs for privacy result in shame, blame and embarrassment. The actions of blabber mouth adoptive mothers that can't control themselves impact the adopted child's world and make their life is a public matter.)  
Even though you're laying low about adoption in public, keep the conversation alive at home, where she feels safe. I suggested that Merrilee's parents encourage her to share her ideas and feelings about why her first family made an adoption plan, or anything else about adoption that is on her mind.
The long-term goal is for your child to regain her comfort with her adoption status; your patience will hasten the arrival of that day.
No adopted child or adult adoptee wants their adoptive mother constantly reciting the tired old adoption story that served the adoptive mother's ego and self-esteem. Chronic sharing about their adoption story will be served back at the adoptive mother with resentment that will crush all of the self-esteem she gained in the years where the sharing was a constant embarrassment that made the adopted child feel outcast and ashamed. There must be some way to respect the adopted child's privacy where the adoptive mother keeps giving it away freely.