Who Are You Trying to Convince, Me or Yourself?
The power adoptive mothers have over their adopted child is solely based on the adopted child not questioning the adoptive mother. If the adopted child verbally questions the adoptive mother's statements, the adopted child is mentally then physically punished.....for beginning to develop cognitive awareness that is predictable in child growth into adolescence.
My adoptive mother always said the same looped phrases to me the adopted child and not to her biological offspring sons. These scripted phrases were designed to convince me of something that in her own behavior awareness was being questioned by my small child mind. Although I was not questioning her behavior as a young child as I lacked the cognitive capacity to believe that she was lying. The looped phrases that my adoptive mother only used on me and not my brothers, eventually caused me to question them. The content of these chronically looped phrases is what finally gave me the clue in adolescence to question them to myself but never to ask adoptive mother as any question from my mouth is considered a direct confrontation against adoptive mother as a person.
Now as an adult adoptee that intentionally exited-adoption-fog and gone no-contact, remembering these extremely annoying looped phrases make me very angry. As an adult to think about the handful of looped phrases make up the entire one-way interaction that constitute the entire relationship of my adoptive mother to my adopted child role. The content of these phrases only seem to serve my adoptive mother's need for continuity, as the looped phrases did not mean anything to me as a young child because they were repetitive. As an adult, to remember and write these looped phrases serves as the reality of my scripted childhood that lacked authenticity and are far from genuine emotionally fueled language. The paradox is that the words did not match the set in stone facial expressions that my adoptive mother wore when specifically talking-AT-me where I was not allowed to reply.
The angry verbal tones of these looped phrases that did not match the angry facial expressions always caused me to freeze as I could not fight or flight away there was no escape for me.
The worst looped phrase in my adopted childhood "your daddy loves you", Because my adoptive father did not want an adopted child to take the place of his dead child, he kept his distance from me physically and mentally which was brutally honest and obvious to anyone outside the adoptive family. My adoptive mother always referred to my adoptive father as "daddy" to me. When I turned age 40, the adoptive mother's distorted habit continued when referring to her husband, ironically I did not use this term for my adoptive father, I always called him dad.
The loop phrase "You know that we love you" is meant to convince me of a fact, the phrase comes from the speaker's disbelief that I accepted this fact. A normal parent would just say "I love you" as a statement that is fact without intention. All of these loop phrases had specific intentions to force me to believe as the adoptive mother speaker doubted the truth of her own statements, that she had to convince herself and convince the adopted child. Yet the adoptive mother's voice tones were always irritable and facial expressions were angry while reciting the loops to the adopted child that they were inauthentic and perceived by the adopted child as being in trouble again, having a stern talking to by adoptive mother....without the threat of telling the adoptive father how bad I was that day to get punished again.
These two looped phrases by my adoptive mother are enough to understand the general principle of the scripted narrative of what was uncomfortably said to the adopted child. Maybe the adoptive mother was feeling guilty for neglecting me emotionally and to prove to herself that she was in no way at fault for anything. The inauthentic scripted words that never matched voice tones or facial expressions were deliberate attempts by my adoptive mother to have a distorted interaction at me in an attempt at pretending to be normal parent-child interaction.
The poor and bad parenting excuse "we did the best that we could" is possibly true as my adoptive parents did not know how to interact with a non-biological adopted child that lived in their home. This is the truth when you realize that relationships can't be forced and mother's can't pretend to love children that are not their own, that is the reality in many child adoptions that can't continue to be ignored.
I was adopted to replace the family's stillborn child, and the replacement child did not work out like the adoption literature and marketing promised.
We must realize that adoption marketing is used to sell products and marketing will not list the mountain of evidence that proves closed adoption causes developmental arrest, psychological problems and distress in the adopted child for the rest of their life.