The Adoption Fog Of Denial
The most stable time of my life was I emerged from adoption fog at 40 years old. My adopted childhood was a continual roller coaster of verbal and psychological maltreatment because I was not her biological child she lost to stillbirth. My adoptive mother treated me like a hammy-down, a worthless accessory to her exclusive jewelry collection. I had absolutely no worth, being labeled her "pet adopted-child" to anyone that would ask in front of me as though I did not exist. My story was her charity narrative to promote her vanity, social appearance and social acceptance in her small town of worshipers.
I was used by my adoptive mother as a pathetic prop to force my adoptive father not to divorce her, as they would argue and fight in front of me in restaurants, although their biological sons were nowhere to be found. My cold and non-loving adoptive upbringing where I would spend all of my time in my room alone trying to avoid my adoptive mother's extreme mood swings and created on the spot stories of what bad deeds I had committed that needed immediate punishment. Something as simple as my smile at her could trigger a deeper hatred in her that would cause a humiliating tirade in front of that night's house visitors.
There was never a time where I wasn't filled with anxiety and fear of what might happen if she got wind of my simple state of temporary or momentary happiness, that would be punished in an instant. The ever present carrot on a string was waved in front of me that I could never grasp, in my child's mind acceptance or permanent place was my bait that could never be found or the feeling of security was not open to non-blood ties.
This is my psychological foundation in life, the relationship with my primary caregiver that all future relationships are measured against and compared. I was taught and conditioned by my adoptive mother to be afraid, to live in fear and always expect catastrophic consequences to the simple everyday occurrences. To be stripped of growing any self esteem or self worth as I was not worthy of any positive reinforcement. I was the worst case scenario in the prospect of an adopted child's outcome. I would never accomplish anything worthy of her praise or acceptance because kindergarten, and grade school was the measure of future accomplishments in the eyes of adoptive parents in the 1970's.
I was a complete disaster and shame that reflected my adoptive mother's failure to nurture, but in real world reality it is seen as my failure alone, as the measure of a person and that person's human potential.
When you are raised believing that you are nothing without the adoptive parent's status and the adoptive parent reinforces this conditioning you will believe that you are nothing, incapable and worthless to others. I would seek out other people that were equally worthless and unwanted individuals on the outskirts of society is where you belong. Unseen so you do not make the adoptive family feel embarrassment or impact them in any way.
Once the adoptive family has cut you loose, you are solely on your own to make your own path of destruction and leave it behind you in your path. The few adulthood tools that I learned from my adoptive parents did not get me very far. They taught me to burn every bridge of friendship as they did, to see a person's value by their material possessions, vanity and finances.
Now that I can reform my identity without influence, I know they were wrong or trying to force my failure. My childlike ability in adulthood has been a true handicap in trying to find out who I truly am. As long as my toxic adoptive mother was in my life her hold on me was keeping me stupid and ignorant to reality. Once I left my adoption fog at age 40, I began to see the world in a new light. When I looked back I saw my adoptive parent's deliberate attempts to ruin me financially and emotionally. This was the hardest fact to face in my adult life, that can be still misconstrued with excuses made to defend their very bad advice and behavior to be justified for their own good....not to be out done by their adopted child. The most difficult reality of sick and disturbing actions of my adoptive parents trying to negatively impact my life and punish me for making good choices for myself as an adult.