The Husband's Resistance to Child Adoption
On my adoptive father's deathbed, he whispers the truth to me that I have always known "I allowed your mother to adopt you so her depression and grief from loosing our daughter would stop".
It is disturbing to me that all the internet and websites on this search topic: "husband+resisting+adoption" These sites motivate women to force-feed adoption to their husbands weather they accept it or reject it. They give excuses for the husband's resistance to invalidate his beliefs and principles. The web pages push the wives to keep manipulating the spouses with adoption stories, telling the women to keep chipping away at your husband. He can be eventually be forced to accept his wife's adoption obsession by deception, protests, demands, pouting, sulking, tantrums, constant adoption
talk and finally the "adoption or divorce" ultimatums. Never do these sites say to respect their spouses anti-adoption position, or try to view the world through his perspective that may stem from his own childhood experiences. The general view is manipulate him into submission or until he caves into your child adoption fantasies. There may be a completely valid and logical reason for the husband's rejection of the adoption idea. Why not respect this?
In my adoption case the grief stricken mother simply couldn't get out of bed, would not cook meals and refused to care for her two young sons. This pre-feminist era husband's life was turned upside down where he had no clean clothing and no dinner on the table after his long day working. His son's were crying, dirty, hungry and expected their dad to do something about it when he came home, which was a non-existent expectation for manly-men to cook, clean or care. This father was blackmailed into adoption against his principles, values and norms being forced to comply with such a preposterous idea of bringing in a stranger's child. This husband's own childhood reflected trauma from loosing his own father and his mother remarrying a man that did not adopt him, but lived as a bastard child with an assumed false last name.
He had valid and logical reasons why he did not want to adopt a child, but submitted to adoption and kept his psychological and physical distance from the adopted child throughout his life, always referring to the adopted child as "your daughter".
There is a serious adoption community misconception that forcing an adopted child on a father might result in empathy. As in my case it resulted in indifference, intolerance, division, hostility and disgust toward me throughout childhood and especially as an adult. At least he was consistent in his obvious dislike of me and that I could trust and viewed as truth in my experience.