The Feeling of Disentitlement Is Learned By Adoptive Parents
The natural psychological state and feeling of being emotionally uncomfortable in biological group situations where the adopted child's unrelated genetic status prevents them from being motivated, wanting or desiring to participate.
The adopted child/adult adoptee is a perpetual outsider to the genetic group.
The level of discord is dependent on the adoptive parent's parenting skills, psychological nurturing and treatment of the adopted child in childhood. When the adopted child is raised in an "open supportive communication style" the adopted child will be part of the group throughout life as they are given respect and dignity by their adoptive parents. When the adopted child is subjected to the adoptive parent's dominating environment of "controlled unsupportive communication style" the adopted child's status as an outsider is greatly amplified and effects their perception of their self-awareness, self-esteem and designation of place outside of the genetic group.
adoptee or non-blood tie that does not feel comfortable intruding in the adoptive family's matters.
When the adoptive parents "impose their perspective" unconditionally forcing their norms, values and beliefs without regard and denial that adopted child is an independent functioning human being. The adoptive mother's attitude that is indifferent and intolerant toward the adopted child creates negative self-esteem and negative attitudes about the self in the adopted child. The adoptive mother's belief that the adopted child has no value to the group is magnified in how the adopted child views themselves in relation to the group.
The adoptive mother never needs to say a word to the adopted child about how much she resents the adopted child, as the adoptive mothers attitude, behavior and non-verbal communication relays this message loud and clear.
I was the adopted child that provided no value or benefit to the adoptive family's genetic group coherence. I completely understood this concept at a very young age in adopted childhood. This negative attitude toward me the adopted child was reflected in extended family relationships and was constantly broadcast in her constant gossiping and telephone conversations. Whenever I herd her speak my name while talking in person or phone calls, I felt dread, shame and hated myself. The expectation of imminent punishment was the trigger for my hyper-vigilance as my adoptive mother would gossip about my behavior, she would re-experience her anger toward me from previous days or weeks. When adoptees are regarded as bad children, no amount of good behavior can change the mind set of the genetic group that adopted us. We will not develop sympathy for people that continuously treated us negatively and refused to trust us as they trusted their genetic offspring.
When adoptive family members are in the hospital and the adoptee is expected to attend, it is emotional taxing as it is a forced smile and forced actions of "the adopted child role" that I am playing and not a genuine urge to visit the sick family member. If the adoptee does not show their actions promote the "ungrateful hypothesis" where the adopted child is again dammed and condemned for being "selfish".
The Ungrateful Hypothesis is that being grateful must be proved to the adoptive family daily throughout life, by force, doing what they desire and not what comes naturally to make the adoptive mother keep her perceived public appearance of a good wholesome family with an obedient, submissive, forever adoptive child. Never an adult adoptee with a voice, that achieved agency and personal autonomy.
The adoptee's feeling of not being worthy or legitimate outside of a cohesive group of blood relatives is shaped by how the adoptive parents behaved and regarded the adopted child in childhood. The objectivity of adopted children contribute to the illusion that adopted children can be influenced to conform to the adoptive family, when it is our biological nature that will map out our looks behavior and personality to that of our genetic heredity.