The FACE-SLAPPED Adopted Child
Face slapping is generally placed in the same category as humiliation or degradation. For centuries the general populous has viewed face slapping as being the second greatest insult that one can receive, the first on the list is being spit on. Through time it has been utilized to express hatred, frustration, anger, disgust…and sometimes even love.
Oddly enough some people love getting their face slapped. They crave the echo of a vicious hand connecting with delicate flesh, the ringing in their ears and the vision blurred by their own tears, the burn of a tear stained cheek and the hungry eyes begging for more.
Face slapping is an art form, as those that are true connoisseurs understand. A slap can say a thousand things, without uttering a word. It can shake someone in his or her boots and humble the biggest man. It can transform an adult into a fragile, and frightened child.
My adoptive mother's "face-slaps" are too many to list, A few examples below:
Example #1. The mother asks the child "How do I look?" depending on the child's age, innocence and honesty, they might reply too honestly and infuriate the adoptive mother "mommy you look like the woman that you said looked like a slut" SLAP!
Example #2. My adoptive parents frequently listened to the Cheech & Chong soundtrack on 8-track tape that was popular in the 1970's. I was in the Sprouse-Ritz with my adoptive mother she was shopping, looking in the Halmark cards section. I began reciting one of the Cheech and Chone comedy routines about "Jamie" the Hispanic kid that shoved beans up his nose....which was one of the cleaner Hispanic comedy routines on the recording. Completely unexpected, without warning and lacking the usual verbal threats to "shut up", she struck me in the face so hard that I herd ringing in my head, became dizzy & disoriented. She literally slapped the smile off my face, took the temporary child contentment out of my consciousness and humiliated me in-front of the other shopping moms that were witnessing her brutal reaction to a child trying their hardest to impress their mother with word for word reciting. In reality if a parent believes the content of what they enjoy is not acceptable for children, the parent should not expose their child to it or humiliate them by what the child retains from their parent created environment.
Example #3 Watching my brother's baseball game in Vista, California, I was playing on the monkey-bars on a nearby playground when a bully much older girl began to beat me up. She then began to drag me on the ground by my hair. Another parent that witnessed the bullying broke up the one-sided fight and walked me back to the bleachers and told my adoptive mother what happened to me. I was about 7 years old, my long hair was totally messed up from being dragged by it in the dirt, my dress was dirty, my face was all red and I was trying not to cry. My adoptive mother flew into a rage, blaming me for starting trouble, not behaving like a polite little girl and mostly for interrupting her time with her friend talking on the bleachers. My adoptive mother struck me in the face in front of everyone watching the game, the woman that rescued me tried to intervene that It was not my fault. My mother grew more angry at my rescuer and told her to "mind your own god-dammed business", "my adopted child is none of your business". I was punished for the rest of the game, the ride home to Fallbrook, and was punished again at home for causing "trouble between adults", "getting into a fight" that "I should know better" than "behave like a boy"....There's that theme again of forcing girly-girl behavior on me when I am not. I am a tomboy raised with two brothers playing boys games outside in the dirt and loving every minute of rough and tumble boy play.
I have never seen my adoptive mother or adoptive father ever strike my brothers, their biological sons, hit them in the face. This "striking in the face" was an honor only bestowed upon me, the adopted child. Striking me in the face for whatever they think I did, knew I did or imagined that I might do in the future.
I believe there is a significant unconscious reactionary and behavioral meaning of "facial repulsion" in adoptive parents. The adopted child's face is unrecognizable, anonymous, alien and represents the actual faces of the adopted child's biological parents that is repulsive and offensive to the adoptive mother. The adopted child face is a mystery that can never be solved until biological reunion. The face of an adopted child can not be read or understood by adoptive parents, as the gestures, facial expressions, personality traits and cues are communications significant to the genetic language of a biological family. The biological family have their own genetic language that is based by their biological relatives that use genetic mirroring in their unique communication within blood relatives.
The biological family with their own genetic language, that acquires an adopted child with his own unique genetic language, will have non-verbal communicating problems. Genetic language specific to one biological family can not be learned or understood by any non-genetic outsider, as genetic language is non-verbal communicating between biological ties only makes sense to that clan, their unique type of gestures, facial expressions, intuitive understanding and reasoning that is shared in biological tied groups as they are and act and is completely understood within their accepted genetic makeup group.
The adopted child's alien facial appearance will always be an incomprehensible face to a biological family's conscious and unconscious preference of their own genetic-language. The genetic language of an individual's family is their non-verbal communication and understanding of each other. A specific biological group (family) knows that their family communication is in contrast to outsiders of which verbal language us acceptable. The incorporation of an adopted child, that has his own genetic language, does not and can not learn speak your genetic code language. It is assumed that an adopted child will learn to coexist in the adoptive family, but deciphering or learning either (the adopted child's or the biological family's) genetic language is impossible. Where the adoptive parent has invested time and resources in the adopted child, yet the non-verbal communication of genetic language will never be attempted or mastered. The reality of the adopted child's difference, appearance and mental uniqueness grows each day more genetically-predetermined and not like the adoptive family's biological appearance, behavior or mentality. The growing reality of difference in an adopted child can cause problems for the adoptive parents that were sold the adopted child "sponge", or "blank slate" philosophy.
Adoptive parents that are ashamed by the appearance of their adopted child, who represents the appearance of the adoptee's biological family (mother father, sisters, brothers, extended family members) that all share the same genetic code may be forced to face the vast difference and not adaption to the adoptive family that was promised by their adoption agency'. In the stage of denial, the adoptive parent could ignore the truth, yet as the adopted child nears adolescence and cognitive awareness of fact becomes understood by the adoptee, the reality of adoption is forced on the in-denial adoptive parent that may or may not retaliate with the feelings of hostility toward the adopted child.
In my humble opinion being the victim of my adoptive mother's hostility, disappointment
and What she considered a burden, By "striking my face" she was punishing my existence.
By striking me in the face she was punishing my biological parents for their burden of me the adopted child on her life. The disturbing thought pattern that an adopted infant could stave off her depression from the trauma of loosing her own child at 40 weeks to stillbirth.
To push back against the small town perception of a stillbirth tragedy and emerge with her vanity, dignity and restoration of social grace, plus the public perception of adoption saviors as an added benefit to how the town would see her as a prize winning adoptive mother. People dependent of social acceptance become prisoners of it, as they will do anything to keep their public status and perceived social class acquirement.
My adoptive mother's repulsion of me, her adopted child came as the epiphany that she could not rid me of who I am genetically. The lifelong task of unraveling the secret of "Who I am genetically" is also a result of knowing for certain....who I am NOT! I am 48 years old, I now have a relationship with my biological sister that has changed my life as I know who it is that I am when I am in her presence. The wounds of my adopted childhood are healing by writing about them...taking trauma memories, writing and talking about them often, and in the process these trauma memories are becoming biographical memories. My traumatic childhood does serve a purpose, to tell other adoptees what happened to me when I was young, innocent and could not defend myself. The cruel brutality that rendered me without worth, without esteem and without value can be understood in the adopted child abuse victim's perspective and other adopted children survivors words have helped me more than any conversation or book by the so-called experts. As adopted children are human beings with biological, legal and human rights that have yet to be legally established.