If I Could Carve-Out My Heart
If I could carve-out my own beating heart, I would cast it into the sea.
Unlike the story of Davy Jones, I have no need of a chest or key.
I would be rid of these miserable feelings, that continues to mock my misery.
I have realized that my whole life is made up of series of mistakes, beginning with my conception, adoption and rejection. I did not develop normally, like an animal left in a cage all alone for too long. I lack the maturity to make any decisions that will not result in many consequences.
To feel is to re-experience the suffering of isolation, subjugation and suffocation, where my body feels this horror of physical conflict. I don't want or like to be touched and I have no internal or love motivation to reach out to loved ones. They just know that I am incapable of. I have never had a trusting or attachment relation with a primary caregiver in childhood, and no relationship since has helped me, benefited or healed my emotional damage.
My own children suffer as a result of my adoption based brokenness.
Being forced to confront one's emotional closet after 40+ years of baggage it seems that there is just too much to process. When I explore one painful memory, it leads to too many others and overwhelms the system. Attempting to grieve my suppressed and held inside pain seems to have so little to gain.
I keep trying, and don't give up yet.