About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Carve-Out My Adopted Heart


If I Could Carve-Out My Heart

If I could carve-out my own beating heart, I would cast it into the sea.
Unlike the story of Davy Jones, I have no need of a chest or key.
I would be rid of these miserable feelings, that continues to mock my misery. 
I have realized that my whole life is made up of series of mistakes, beginning with my conception, adoption and rejection. I did not develop normally, like an animal left in a cage all alone for too long.  I lack the maturity to make any decisions that will not result in many consequences. 

To feel is to re-experience the suffering of isolation, subjugation and suffocation, where my body feels this horror of physical conflict. I don't want or like to be touched and I have no internal or love motivation to reach out to loved ones. They just know that I am incapable of. I have never had a trusting or attachment relation with a primary caregiver in childhood, and no relationship since has helped me, benefited or healed my emotional damage.
My own children suffer as a result of my adoption based brokenness.

Being forced to confront one's emotional closet after 40+ years of baggage it seems that there is just too much to process. When I explore one painful memory, it leads to too many others and overwhelms the system. Attempting to grieve my suppressed and held inside pain seems to have so little to gain.   
I keep trying, and don't give up yet.