Adoptive Mother's Emotional Cruelty
Thrown into the adoption ocean, sink or swim, yet never reaching the shore where humans emerge to walk upright in the sand.
The human infant is born to be nurtured, cared for and genetically mirrored by it's biological mother, father, siblings and extended families. Adopted infants are denied their own satisfying biological relationships, they languish and are frequently transferred between foster homes to prevent attachment to any one foster mother. I am the product of such a disturbing practice, as I was finally adopted between 4-5 months of age to a depressed adoptive mother suffering from loosing her own biological infant to stillbirth.
My adoptive mother was not receptive to me, and I was sent away to live with adoptive grandparents in another state. Upon my return, I was cared for by a new live-in babysitter that was opportunistically taken in by my adoptive parents as she was thrown out of her own childhood home. I remember being a barefoot vagabond little kid, always on my own, playing by myself and running around outside in the morning hours while my own adoptive mother slept late into the morning.There was no structure, no "time" which things would occur like breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time or bed time. I was and am still in complete comfort being alone, isolated from others and entertaining myself while living in my own fantasy world where I feel safe.
My reality is isolation from others, yet the chronic punishments were always me being forced to go somewhere with my adoptive mother. Riding in the car, going for a "drive", to the mall to go shopping, out to lunch or some other girly-girl stuff that I hate. The thought of riding in the car with my adoptive mother is still provokes my greatest anxiety and dread of the "car captivity". Driving around a parking lot for twenty minutes looking for a spot in the front row still makes me shutter!
Yet the forced outings were the least of my forced negative conditioning by the adoptive mother that wanted a girly-girl daughter that was like her, not the barefoot dirty faced tomboy that liked to play with cars in the dirt. The negative impact she had on my childhood psychological well-being came in the form of an adoptive mother's disappointment at the child that preferred to be outside instead of shopping for new cloths at the mall, getting her hair done and always motivated to look pretty. I was a natural child in nature and nature was naturally within me, to be outside, gardening, playing in the dirt climbing trees in the grove and socializing with the animals and birds in my chosen environment.
The disgust toward me was one reason I would retreat outside at any sign of my adoptive mother's hostility. Her scowls, the loud facial expressions, rude & offensive body language and other aggressive non-verbal gestures told me just how much she truly hated who I was. The adoptive mother's verbal communications to me never matched what her body and face said to me. I was never welcome to talk with my adoptive parents, I was constantly reminded in a hostile manner to "speak when spoken to", yet they never talked to me only at me, as I was always in trouble. All talking at me was verbal confrontations for what I possibly did wrong as a small child. The action of a normal child expressing their emotions was the grounds for me being slapped across the face, any butting-in when adults were speaking was certain that I would be struck in the face.
When I was forced to appear "on stage" in public for my mother's peers, I would submit and perform flawlessly the "adopted child role" to make my adoptive mother not hit me. Although If I did not perform how she wanted I would be hit and ridiculed in front of her friends. The threat of public humiliation was the motivational factor, as being shamed in public was a punishment that was well known to me, that I constantly feared and dreaded. The facial sting of being struck in the face was ten times worse when it happened in front of others. On too many occasions the people witnessing my mother slap me in the face were made extremely uncomfortable by mother's violence toward me and they would instantly depart, and their departure was always blamed on me...the secondary punishment. My adoptive mother never saw past how her violent behavior in public toward me, made her peers feel uncomfortable toward her own uncontrolled violent tendencies.
The cognitive dissonance in my adoptive mother's own mind, said that the child's bad behavior is responsible for making her friends uncomfortable and leave. In reality the witnesses to my adoptive mother's violence toward her young child in public made her peers question her ability to control herself and they wondered if she would act violent toward them....When she would strike her young, helpless adopted child in the face for butting-in in an adult conversation, that was dependent on her for love, care and guidance.
The perception of one person Vs. the perception of another can cause a narcissistic personality to react violently to their perceived perpetrator.
My adoptive mother issues are not worked through, I have barley started to dive into this septic pit of pain, silence and injustice of my adoptive mother perpetrator.