What an Adopted Life Was Worth
In principle as a potential adopted infant, I had value to the adopters to fulfill their temporary need from their tragedy of a dead child. At purchase, my value plummeted, I became an adopted dependent that did not fulfill the vacancy adoption reason. My value plummeted farther as I was now seen as an outsider and burden to the adoptive family.
Yet In my young childhood, I was not cognitively aware of the family dynamics, different treatment than the biological sons or the isolation from the world.
The child narcissism is only aware of the groups impact on the child himself and survival dictates complacent actions to avoid inhalation. To serve and please was my only way of remaining in the dysfunctional family dynamics. At that point all I knew was the way I was treated by the family, the injustice that came with it and nothing else, as young childhood is ignorant of the world of reality.
As a teenager, I began to develop friendships that gave me confidence for the first time in my life I began to question my family's behavior toward me. If perfect strangers could like me, yet my family did not, that must mean something. There is a big difference between authenticity and going through the habitual ambiguity motions. A child needs no words to know how others regard them as it is strictly behavioral. The contradictory words always fall on silent ears where the truth in behavior takes it's toll on a child.
In reality I avoided adoption, it's implications and the feelings of injustice that accompany it. In my cognitive dissonance in avoiding and distancing myself from any truths. I choose instead numbing all of my senses with cartoons, cookies, habitual behavior and later in my teens with what my family used daily to distance themselves from their pain, alcoholism. I am an alcoholic that does not drink, however I am an addict that would do anything not to feel the psychological pain of living each treacherous day. Living numb is comfortable and I am complacent to exist in habitual comfort.
When my child got sick with leukemia, I kept myself together with prescription drugs to numb myself from reacting, to remain strong. I still have not allowed myself to feel the stress of children's hospital life, and never will. When needs of a biological relatives came into play, I used search angels to help me find my family, in reunion I still remained reserved and outside of it all. To preserve life if and when future relapses occurred, I had a possible insurance policy to save her but not myself. As this fine line I walk keeps me from falling into the depths of my own horror and despair. This fine line I walk is all that I am able to take in surviving continued and perpetual abandonment of an immature soul that lives on the brink of crumbling down each day that I take in breath.
I still do not allow myself to feel anything as I go through the motions of living numb, avoiding conflict, avoiding all reactions, especially avoiding my own authentic reactions that I've stored all of the pain of my life inside me over time, is a matter of life and death for me. If I were to somehow allow myself to feel, it would be disastrous for my current complacent life as all my relationships, my home, my simple existence would all abruptly end tragically.
If I were to allow a trickle of emotion leak out, it will break wide open the walls of my ancient stone fortress, where all of the seas of the world acquired of my un-cried tears would spill out and flood my current existence. The destruction to my current surviving style life would be so great that it would drown me in my own lifelong sorrow, killing me with the choking and suffocation on my own 48 years of held in feelings. Every negative word ever spoken told to me is still here, every attack on my flaws, my humanness and my fragility would overwhelm me with despair and I would die.
Where there is the threat of feeling these oceans of my unresolved feelings, I will run far away from the threat to my current drawing of breath and do whatever it takes to avoid feeling anything so I can continue try to learn how to live by watching others from afar.