About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

What Is Healing for the Adopted Child?


What is Healing for the Adopted Child?

The adopted child, a legal minor, is not allowed to begin healing because they are still existing within the adoption dynamic. The perpetual cycle of adoption in childhood is continued forced adaption to the adoptive family. The forever adopted child is always the child to the adoptive parent and can never grow up in the eyes of the adoptive parent. Within this closed role the adopted child will never and can never change the way others perceive him with in the adoptive family dynamics. Only when the adoptee sets out alone, solo and without their posse, are they able to fully experience the new existence phase of adult adoptee life. Searching for biological family is a strictly private affair that excludes the adoptive family, that can't be completely experienced as a new phase of life while the adoptive parent and the adopted-child-role tagging along.  

As an adult, the adoptee makes a conscious choice in to begin their search for biological identity, heredity and culture. Some adopted children base all of their hope on a single person, the biological mother, yet in reality one person can not fulfill all of the many hopes, needs and healing of another. The biological mother is no exception to this human rule and if unrealistic expectations by the adoptee base their hurt on a single person, they will be let down and give up with blame and anger. The adult adoptee must realize that he needs the entire lot of the puzzle pieces in order to put those pieces into a coherent image.

The mature adult adopted child allows themselves to search for the pieces of the puzzle that make up an entire biological family including paternal and maternal siblings aunts uncles grandparents and other extended family to comprehend how the biological family functions.  

In my story, the most important reciprocating relationships where equal respect and effort are obvious and dependable are from by biological sister and maternal aunt (mother's sister). Like all relationships, there are highs and lows, arguing and disagreements, yet they are not broken off when one is having a bad day as the relationship endures and grows stronger with time. The information that the adoptee seeks is granted when the relationships are strong. 

When the adoptee is just there to get medical information and get out, they will not establish a foundation for biological relationship and private family medical information will not be obtained.  The motivations are obvious to the recipients and the adoptee will not be trusted.

How to establish a relationship is a problem for adoptees, just being there is key, just existing with a biological family member is the most important factor without self-serving motives like getting their medical history. By being physically there with a family member we begin to become real, they become real and the relationship is based on trust.

Adopted children are foreign implants temporary stuck into an adoptive family, they are not born, they are there for reasons not related to the child's best interests, as the child's best interest is their biological family.
The adopted child is there to benefit the interest of the adopting mother, her needs, wants and desires, that were compulsively acted upon that resulted in an adopted child placement.

The adoptee's voice is overshadowed by their excuses, denials and qualifications that excuse the adoptive parent's treatment of the adopted child. 

The adopted child's inability to make honest statements without qualifications for there words......"I dislike adoption...but I love my adoptive parents" 

Is the adoptee qualifying his words to be acceptable to the listener or reader, but trying not to offend their adoptive parent if read or herd by them.
"Adoptee voice qualifications" is the adoptee's habit of not offending their adoptive parent in any style of communication, when communicating to others, they are programmed to include not offending their adoptive parent.
The consequences of adopted childhood conditioning by adoptive parent's maltreatment, by omission or commission, the fear of offending and the lived consequences of offending adoptive parent in childhood were punishment, silent treatment, etc., yet the fear is extended in the life of the adult adoptee that becomes a subconscious fear that is remedied by always qualifying their words. The adoptive parent's wrath is deeply embedded in the subconscious mind in the psyche of the adopted child, and shows up in ordinary communication patterns of adult adoptees.

Exiting the "Adoption-Fog"
When the adoptee realizes their conditioned habits that they constantly contribute to, without effort or thought, they begin to change the habit. 
They begin to change the way they think, react and reflect on why the are still impacted by their adopted child fears and childhood based punishment fears. 

When the adult adoptee begins to separate, compartmentalize and segregate their adopted childhood habits and conditioning by adoptive parent, the adoptee begins to change who they are by observing their own behavior. Change in the adoptee's perspective is seen as a "hostile takeover" by adoptive parents, who want their compliant, obedient and playing their part in the "adopted-child-role"
to remain their adopted child forever....But the adopted child grew up, was educated and had a family of their own, it matters not as the adopted child is a perpetual child that needed to be saved by the adoptive mother's efforts of which she is glorified by society. When the adopted child, adult adoptee no-longer wants to play the adopted child role, they want distance from it, they begin to heal through separating.

As the adult adoptee can't change, form authentic identity or heal the emotional scars of adoption while continuing to live the "adopted child role". Stepping out of the adoption fog is an awakening from the realities of one's adopted childhood, regardless of good or bad adoptive parents, adoption is the severing of the child's biological family from the adopted child. Being re-named, 
re-assigned a new disposition and acting grateful in the presence of the adoptive parents, despite the impact of being adopted and denied true identity.

The adoptee's healing takes years, empty notebooks become filled with information. facts and thoughts. We begin to separate the adopted conditioning from our true spontaneous nature, we see and are healed daily by biological mirroring in our relationships with biological family members. We begin to develope likes, dislikes, preferences, new hobbies and new insight into who we really are, that was closed off from us during childhood. We can go back in time to situations and see them from unique and different perspectives. We begin to see our adopted childhood for what it is, the faults, needs and motivations of our adoptive parents become clear where we can forgive or continue to ignore their ignorance, selfishness and narcissism. We adoptees begin to become whole, where the emptiness from our biological family left us a vast void.

Finding my sister (My Most Important Relationship in my life), father, my grandmother, uncles, cousins, and my ancestors in the N.C. Cherokee tribe was monumental to my identity. Finding my mother, my aunt (the second most important relationship in my life), my brothers, dead grandparents, etc. I am validated constantly with "you blow your nose just like your mother", You get mad just like your father, I am so fortunate to be biologically mirrored now by my many blood relatives, and so thankful to them in the moment, as these relationships constitute, reflect and project my true identity, that was unknown to me through my life. If I lost any biological relationship that I now am blessed and honored with, I would be devastated. No wonder my childhood was a horrible devastating experience as loosing my entire family and especially my sister was cruel, inhuman and terrible injustice to me. 

The people making decisions for me never considered me, the grandmother that wanted to raise me, they based the decision to replace me in the home of a tragedy of a dead child, in a grieving, dysfunctional adoptive family that reject me. That is my introspective reality that I have begun to heal from at 48 years old.   

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Biased Studies in third party reporting in adopted child research


The Misrepresentation in Adopted Child Research

In my many years of seeking, finding and reading adopted child related research studies, one peculiar fact regarding these studies, is that too many of these studies are dependent on the adoptive parent to fill-out their biased observations about their adopted child. The studies are in-fact third party observations, that the actual subject of the study the adopted child, is not directly interviewed or directly studied. The research firms that make millions in government grants, influence education, social and welfare services and political motivations........Do Not interview a single adopted child. These researchers utilize adoptive parents to fill out surveys about their adopted child, which is a biased and in some cases contradictory reporting. What a waste of time, effort and money!  

Saturday, June 25, 2016

How to Destroy the Dignity of the Adopted Child


How To Destroy the Dignity of the Adopted Child

The concept of dignity to express the idea that a being has an innate right to be valued, respected, and to receive ethical treatment. "Dignity" also has descriptive meanings pertaining to human worth. In general, the term has various functions and meanings depending on how the term is used and on the context.
The glue that holds all of our relationships together is the mutual recognition of the desire to be seen, heard, listened to, and treated fairly; to be recognized, understood, and to feel safe in the world. When our identity is accepted and we feel included, we are granted a sense of freedom and independence and a life filled with hope and possibility. 
When the adopted child is treated as though they are the property of the adopting mother, the adopted child has no worth or value to the adoptive family as a human being. When the adoptive mother conditions the adopted child to act and adapt himself to be like the adoptive family's collective behaviors, respond in a specific and scripted dialog acceptable to the adoptive parent. These unrealistic expectations of the adopted child to suppress their cellular biological nature, to hold-in their true emotions and raw feelings, and suppress their individual characteristics, talents and spontaneous identity based awareness in adapting to the behaviors of the adoptive family, is killing the very heart, soul and individuality that is the adopted child.
What is obvious to the adopted child in early childhood, is that they have no value within the adoptive family group, they are not acceptable to the adoptive family and they are a failure if they don't assume the adopted child role.  As being who the adopted child really is is not acceptable to the adoptive mother, she wants the adopted child to be something all together different than who the adopted child is by nature. 
My Adoptive Mother's common, daily gossip based behavior about her adopted child's school, medical and life problems, destroyed my dignity and subjected me to repeated humiliating experiences throughout childhood. 
Destroying Your Adopted Child's Dignity:
#1. Referring to the adopted child as "The or Their" "adopted child" the child is not part of the family group, but outside the family group.
#2. Adoptive mothers chronically gossiping & talking about the adopted child to others as if the adopted child is not there,  when the adopted child is present. A cruel ans selfish mother.
#3.  Gossiping adoptive mother's constantly sharing private and medical information about the adopted child to any and all others who will listen.
#4. Never involving the adopted child in decisions regarding their life. Discouraging the adopted child from speaking, expressing or giving their own opinion/views about their life.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Psychological Consequences of Closed Adoption


The Psychological Consequences of Closed Adoption

Psychological and Emotional Effects of the Closed System 
Authors: Annette Baran, Ruben Pannor, 1993, Published: Journal link (below) 
Our decades of experience in counseling individuals affected by adoption suggest that requiring anonymity between birthparents and adoptive parents and sealing all information about the birthparents from the adopted child has damaging effects on all three parties. These damaging effects are discussed below.
Effects on the Birthparents
Relinquishment of a newborn child may be profoundly damaging to birthparents and cause lifelong pain and suffering. Even when relinquishment is a carefully considered and chosen option, birthmothers—and often birthfathers—may suffer from a heightened sense of worthlessness after giving away a child. They may feel guilty about their actions. These birthparents may believe that their offspring will not understand the reasons for relinquishment and that these offspring will blame and hate their birthparents for rejecting and abandoning them. 
Adoptee's Reply:(The adopted child, adult adoptee - myself, can not comprehend this action, how any human being could abandon their offspring is beyond reasoning...especially to the adopted child to force the consequences of being adopted on a helpless infant, living in the world without connection is a lonely and painful existence.  The adopted child's survival habit of psychologically insulating one's self from others is not only a defense mechanism, but way of life that does not stop at childhood's end, it is accelerated to keep others from hurting us.)
The birthparents may want their children to know that they continue to care about them and, in turn, may wish to learn about the kind of people their children have become. No matter how many children they may have subsequently, birthparents may still desire knowledge and contact with the one they gave up.6
In traditional closed adoptions, such knowledge and contact is not possible. Birthparents do not know who adopted their child, where he or she lives, or even whether the child is alive or dead. Even in so-called open placements where all parties know the identity of all other parties, birthparents often have no ongoing contact with the child. In these instances, birthparents may feel powerless. They have no knowledge of what is happening to their child and no opportunity to let the adoptive family know of significant events in their own lives.
Effects on the Adoptees
Adopted children also frequently suffer from the secrecy imposed in closed adoptions, particularly during adolescence when they often experience greater identity conflicts than members of the nonadopted population.7 The process of developing an individual identity is more complicated for adoptees because they live with the knowledge that an essential part of their personal history remains on the other side of the adoption barrier. In closed adoptions, any desire on the part of an adopted child to learn more about the birthparents is blocked, often leading to fantasies and distortions. Easily escalated, these may develop into more serious problems. In our studies, we described these adoption-related identity conflicts as resulting in "identity lacunae," which can lead to feelings of shame, embarrassment, and low self-esteem.7 In addition, adoptees may experience a deep fear of loss and separation. Many adopted children feel that they were given away because there was something wrong with them from the beginning.
We observed that, in late adolescence, negative feelings and questions about being adopted increased. In young adulthood, plans for marriage may create an urgent desire for specific background information, particularly about family history. For adopted adult women, pregnancy and the birth of a child may raise fears of possible unknown hereditary problems. Becoming a parent may also trigger intense feelings in the adoptee toward his or her own birthmother. These feelings may include not only empathy for her difficult emotional situation, but also anger and disbelief that she could have given up her own child. The feelings frequently create a need in adoptees to search for birthparents and the hope for a reunion to bring together the broken connections from the past. Such a search, if undertaken, often is prolonged, painful, and fruitless.
Adoptee Reply: Building new relationships takes great effort, patients, and a long time in years to build an authentic relationship with the many family members within the maternal and paternal families. All human interpersonal experiences have good and bad aspects, However I will graciously take the bad with all of the amazing and precious good that my biological reunion has changed my darkness to light and inspired my isolated soul. For the first time in my life I began to form an authentic personal identity that is true and consistent with what is in my heart.
The best relationship in my entire life has been the gift of my precious blood-related sister, she is part of my everyday thoughts and is always present in my daily life. Learning how to be an equal within a relationship that is true, authentic, spontaneous and real is all together another lesson in unlearning the childhood conditioning of the "adopted child role" that I played in my dysfunctional adoptive family place character "scapegoat".
Effects on the Adoptive Parents
Finally, closed adoption can also have negative psychological and emotional effects on the adoptive parents. With no knowledge of or contact with the birthparents, adoptive parents may find it difficult to think and talk about birthparents as real people. They may be unable to answer truthfully their adoptive children's inevitable questions about why they were given up, what their birthparents were like, and what happened to these parents in later life. The ghosts of the birthparents, inherent in the closed system, are ever present, and may lead to the fear that these parents will reclaim the child and that the child will love these parents more than the adoptive parents.
The Movement Toward Open Adoption 
Having observed and documented these psychological and emotional effects during the 1970s, we became convinced that secrecy and anonymity were undesirable within the adoption system and recommended reform through opening of sealed records for adult adoptees.3,8 We also sought ways of possibly preventing some of the psychological problems we had observed. This led us, in 1975, to advocate open adoption placement of infants and children,9 an idea regarded by many as new and radical. In fact, open adoption had existed throughout history. Closed adoption was begun in this country, in this century, and soon became the standard of adoption practice. While originally we recommended open adoption only as an option to be carefully chosen in special cases, in 1984 we recommended that open adoption become standard practice.10
In the discussion that follows, we present our definition of open adoption, address some of the major objections to it, indicate the potential benefits of open adoptive placements, and finally propose what we consider to be appropriate long-term responsibilities of birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees.
Definition of Open Adoption
An open adoption is one in which the birthparent(s) at least meet the adoptive parents and may even participate in selecting them. In contrast to closed adoption, open adoption includes the exchange of identifying information and the making of agreements regarding future contact and communication. The frequency and extent of this contact and communication will vary and may need to be renegotiated at different times in the lives of the individuals involved, depending upon their needs and desires and the quality of the relationship that evolves. At present, after the adoption is finalized, the adoptive family is recognized as having the final authority to determine the nature and extent of ongoing contact.
Misconceptions About Open Adoption
As open adoption became more common in the 1970s and 1980s, several popular misconceptions were challenged. They deserve further scrutiny.

  • Couples will not adopt children unless they can be guaranteed anonymity and secrecy. Such guarantees, we now know, were never ironclad. The adoptees' reform movement spawned a nationwide network of search groups that often successfully located birthparents and nullified guarantees of secrecy and anonymity given by adoption agencies to these parents. Furthermore, experience in adoption during the past decade, when fewer newborns were available, has clearly demonstrated that couples, eager to parent children, are willing to adopt under a variety of circumstances. Although once only healthy babies were considered adoptable, now children with disabilities, from mixed racial backgrounds, and in sibling groups are being welcomed by families. (See the article by Rosenthal in this journal issue.) It was our belief that couples would accept open placement if adoption agencies made it standard practice. At present open adoption is accepted by many adoptive parents, and this practice appears to be increasing, particularly in independent adoptions.
  • Birthmothers want and need anonymity to move forward in their lives and put the experience of pregnancy and relinquishment behind them. This misconception was fostered by maternity homes and adoption agencies. It was sustained, in part, because some adoption social workers found it difficult to deal with the continuing pathos and misery of the birthmothers in the post-relinquishment period. Our studies of birthmothers in the 1970s indicated that, when they contacted agencies regarding their relinquished children, they often were made to feel emotionally unstable and at fault for carrying this experience with them. Apparently few caseworkers took the time or made an effort to question birthmothers about their inner feelings although many birthmothers were eager to be interviewed and to have their feelings heard.6 These observations were contrary to the belief that birthmothers had emotionally resolved giving up a child, recovered from the trauma, and wished to remain hidden. These birthmothers had not been advised or counseled about the possibility that they might have lifelong anxiety and distress. Even those birthmothers who had not revealed their past to husband and children indicated that, if it were possible to protect themselves, they would want to know and meet their offspring. Not to know whether their children were alive or dead was a continuing source of sadness for some.
  • Adoptees will be confused by contact with their birthparents and may become emotionally disturbed as a result of being aware of and dealing with two mothers during their developmental years. Our experience has led us to conclude that closed adoptions did not protect adoptees from emotional disturbances. On the contrary, it is our belief, based on years of work with adoptees of all ages, that some of them are particularly vulnerable because of feelings of loss and abandonment, exacerbated by the secrecy and anonymity of closed adoptions.5 However, because open adoption placement is still comparatively new, we cannot state conclusively what effects it has on adoptees. Long-term studies on the adjustment of adoptees to open adoption are few in number and vary in quality. (See the article by Berry in this journal issue.) At present it must be stated that the results are inconclusive, and it is evident that much additional research on this important aspect of open adoption remains to be done. Berry states, however, that "professionals generally agree that the child is least confused about loyalties to either parent when the open relationship between the adoptive and biological parents is clear and positive."
Benefits of Open Adoptive Placements
There are several important benefits to open adoptive placements. First, the birthparents assume more responsibility for the decision to relinquish, and as full participants in the placement and entrusting of the child to a known family, they are better able to cope with feelings of loss, mourning, and grief. If contact with their birthchild is permitted, they are able to further ameliorate these feelings.
Next, adoptees' feelings of rejection by the birthparents also can be greatly diminished. A realistic understanding of the problems that led to adoptive placement permits acceptance of the situation. The continuing link with the birthparent dispels the notion that the children were abandoned and forgotten. In open adoption the need for search and reunion is eliminated. Important background information—including genetic and medical histories—is readily available.
Finally, for adoptive parents, knowing the birthparents of their children can prevent the fears and fantasies that might otherwise have a negative effect on their relationships with their adopted children. Knowing the birthparents will enable adoptive parents to provide their children with background information based on first-hand knowledge and direct contacts.

Lifelong Responsibilities of Birthparents, Adoptive Parents, and Adoptees 
The Birthparents
Relinquishment should not end the role of a birthparent. Birthmothers are responsible not only for providing careful and continuous nurturing before birth, but also for supplying ongoing emotional support to the adoptee following relinquishment. We know, from years of experience in counseling and psychotherapy of adoptees, that feelings of initial rejection and abandonment may cause emotional and psychological problems. Being told by an adoptive parent that one was given up out of love may be a poor palliative for children who feel that anyone who loved them would not have deserted them. Birthparents have a responsibility to let the children they relinquished know that they continue to care about them and are concerned about their well-being.
Birthparents can show this support for a child in many ways. A card, gift, letter, telephone call, or photograph each year on the child's birthday can demonstrate that the child's special day is important to the birthparent. Remembrances of this kind indicate that the child is not ignored, forgotten, or unloved.
Birthparents may feel that continued contact with their child and the adoptive family is painful and brings back difficult memories; however, birthparents need to understand how important they are to the well-being of their child. Other responsibilities and obligations include providing ongoing medical and social information and being available to both child and adoptive parents as needed.
Adoptive Parents
Adoptive parents share in this obligation to help in the adjustment of the adoptee. Acknowledging that adoption is different from having a child born into the family is an important step toward being successful parents. Adoptive parents must accept the dual identity in their adopted child's life and recognize the continuing importance of the birthparents' contribution to their child's self-concept. Adoptive parents must realize that, no matter how compelling and understandable the facts surrounding the adoption are, the adoptive child may still feel rejected and unworthy. Adoptive parents must work in partnership with birthparents to provide the child with a healthy identity and self-image. To achieve this goal, the birthparents and adoptive parents must each respect the other's role in the child's life and feel comfortable with and trusting of one another. Prospective parents should not adopt unless they feel able to deal with all of the complexities inherent in this kind of parenting. Finally, adoptive parents have a continuing responsibility to share vital information about the child, such as descriptions of serious medical problems and news about a death in the family, with birthparents. Adoptive parents also should help maintain contact between the adopted child and siblings and other significant relatives.
In some ways, adoptees are the victims in the adoption triangle. Others made decisions for and about them. They had no role in being conceived, born, relinquished, and placed for adoption. However, as they move out of their childhood into maturity, they should assert certain rights and assume certain responsibilities. Adoptees who are growing up with knowledge of two sets of parents should be encouraged to gain knowledge about adoption and to explore ways of understanding their dual identity and its impact on them. Adoption is one aspect of their being which needs to be woven into the fabric of their lives.
In conclusion, our decades of experience lead us to believe that open adoption is the best approach. It minimizes emotional and psychological harm, and it allows all parties to meet their continuing responsibilities to each other.
There is, however, more to be done. More research on the effects of open adoption is needed. Also, we must be vigilant to potential abuses. Scanning want-ad columns in newspapers across the country or the Yellow Pages of phone books in any of the major cities reveals the extent to which adoption has become a business and the degree to which open adoption can be used to expand that business. Under the heading Adoption Services appear such statements as, "You can choose your child's parents." The possibility of open adoption is frequently used to encourage relinquishment, particularly with young teenagers who are led to believe that they will have all the benefits of knowing their babies with none of the risks or responsibilities. Deceit of this kind unfairly encourages relinquishment and offers promises that often are not kept after the adoption occurs.
Thus, the central question today is not whether adoption shall be open or closed. Adoptive placements of older children are generally recognized as being open, and most infant adoptions now begin as open. Independent adoptions are predominantly open, and many agencies offer open adoption as an option. Rather, the challenge, in our view, is to ensure that open adoption continues to evolve in the best way possible. Every effort must be made to prevent abuse. The respective roles of birthparents, adoptive parents, and extended family in promoting the success of open adoption deserve careful consideration. However, in the final analysis, it is the adoptee whose well-being is central. Carefully designed, long-term studies are needed to investigate the impact of open adoption on adoptees more thoroughly and to generate recommendations for change and improvement.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Triangulation By Narcissistic Mother


Triangulation by Adoptive Mother

My adoptive mother's signature tactic "triangulation" to control, isolate & divide the adopted child kept me from experiencing childhood innocence or rewarding sibling relationships. 

By triangulating the biological children against the adopted child the adoptive mother creates her own family police to chronically bully, torment and punish the adopted child on her behalf.

The constant experience of triangulation where the mother in the window is directing all interaction through her isolating any direct communication from the adopted child. 

In adulthood the childhood triangulation is set in stone, where the roles and behaviors never change and the adoptive mother orchestrates all information to and from the outsider adopted child to her advantage.  
Triangulation was used exclusively to keep the adopted child set apart and isolated from the adoptive mother's her biological offspring, close and extended family free from direct contact with the adult adoptee.

Where the narcissist adoptive mother's fluctuating attitudes of neutral, anger and hostility controls how the adoptee is perceived by the other family members. Adding and omitting information based on the narcissist adoptive mother's emotions in any given moment, creating hostility when the adoptee is not adhering to the good adopted child role in adulthood. 

The family and siblings are convinced by the adoptive mother to never directly contact the course, hostile and indifferent adult adoptee, but go through her,(the parent) to access any information to avoid the adopted child's mean and violent mood swings, the adoptive mother has convinced the family that I don't like any of them?.  

The reality of my monumental involvement in this triangulation became clear when my adult brother living next door, he would call our mother to discuss anything with me.....through her. Although I was 100 feet away from him, the call would come from mother or father to talk on his behalf....Disturbing!  
Excellent Article Explaining Triangulation Tactics:
Narcissistic Triangulation Sabotages Sibling Relationships
Families with narcissistic parents are always dysfunctional. Due to the plethora of crazy dynamics existing within the family, children suffer many casualties.

Narcissistic Parents Divide Their Children Through Triangulation

Written by Randi G. Fine

Conflict is a normal part of family dynamics. The fact that a family argues from time to time does not make it a dysfunctional family unit. What makes a family dysfunctional is the emotional pain and confusion that prevails among its members. Those who grow up in this type of household become saddled with a lifetime of emotional struggles. Some of these struggles are easy to identify, some are not.

Families influenced by narcissistic parents are always dysfunctional. Due to the plethora of crazy dynamics that exist within the family unit, there are many casualties suffered by the children. Not only do they suffer as individuals, the relationships between the siblings suffer as well.

It would seem as if siblings suffering together under the strains of crazy parenting would naturally bond together for support, but that does not usually happen in families headed by narcissistic parents. It is no accident that one of the casualties of the NPD family is the relationship between the siblings.

Narcissistic parents are not capable of loving their children. Children are simply a source of “Narcissistic Supply.” The relationship NPD parents have with their children is one of control and manipulation. There are many tactics used to accomplish that. One common one is called, “Triangulation.”

Triangulation is a deceitful tactic used by the NPD parent to control and manipulate the balance of power in the family system. The parent’s goal is to keep the siblings from collaborating in ways that might interfere with his or her calculated objectives. Everything boils down to insuring the parent’s narcissistic supply. Like an addict, the parent cannot survive without it. They need constant replenishment and will stoop to any level to get their “fix.”

To gain control over the information flow in the family, the parent creates indirect communication between the siblings, putting themselves in the role of “go-between.” In doing that, he or she controls the content of the information, the way the information flows, and the way it gets interpreted. And there are more benefits; with everyone relating directly to him or her, the parent is always in the information loop and always remains the center of attention.

Since the NPD parent cannot prevent all communication between the siblings, he or she tries to create conflict and mistrust between them. The parent will fabricate information, tell lies, and confide in them then tell them to keep secrets from each other. The parent may badmouth one sibling to another. The parent may share information with one sibling, hoping that it will get back to another one and create drama. NPD parents take great pleasure in the upheaval they can create among family members.

The NPD parent maneuvers in ways that they can never be called on, whether it be the way they carefully phrase their words or the fact that they are careful to make sure no one else witnesses their behavior. They forever remain the innocent. Should anyone try to call the parent on his or her behavior, he or she will erupt into narcissistic rage. Since this rage terrifies the children, over time they learn to do everything and anything within their means to avoid it.

Because of the dynamics of the NPD family, the children easily fall prey to the manipulations of their NPD parent. Attention from the NPD parent, whether positive or negative, is a rare commodity that each sibling must vie for. One sibling’s loss becomes another sibling’s gain. The relationship between the children is sacrificed as each one selfishly competes for scraps of affection and favor from the parent; attention that gets switched on and off at the parent’s will.

Further upsetting the balance of affection doled out to the children is the fact that NPD parents assign roles to their children. There is usually a golden child, one who seems to get the most praise from the parent, a scapegoat, one who is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family, and an invisible child, one who gets neither praise nor blame. These roles are not always stationary. They can shift at the NPD parent’s will.

NPD parents train their children well; the hold they have over them when they are young continues well into their adulthoods. That will not change until all the children realize and accept that their parent’s destructive behavior is responsible for all the problems that exist between them.

Adult children of narcissistic parents become a very powerful force once they unify against their abuser. Only then does the NPD parent lose all control over them; a fate feared worse than death.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Adopted-Child Repulsed by Adoptive Parent Affection


The Horrible Consequences "Forced Love" of Adoptive Parents

The chronic theme in adoptive parent blogs, is the adopted child's inability to give and accept love. When a child is taken away from it's natural mother, a trauma results that last forever in the life of the adoptee. The adoptive parent's conditional love is full of intolerance, indifference and the condemnation for not being biologically similar. The adoptive parent's love is painful, comes with punishment and might result in the adopted child's face being slapped.  As an adoptee, my own natural impulse is to shutter, be repulsed, to back away and to run away...at the prospect of someone forcefully hugging me, forcing affection on me or wanting to shake my hand. My space is invaded I feel my heart stop, I hold my breath, grit my teeth and resent the whole fake display of this affection forced on me by touching. Usually it is a measure for public consumption of how great the adoptive mother is toward her non-offspring adopted child. The forced acting the adopted child role just to make the adopted mother look good in public for vanity's sake, but the adoptee gets nothing for acting the good adopted child, as it is expected at all times. When affection makes an adopted child shutter, there is a concrete reason why.



  Parental love includes genuine expressions of warmth—a smile or friendly look that conveys empathy and good humor; physical affection; respectful, considerate treatment; tenderness; a willingness to be a real person with the child as opposed to acting the role of “mother” or “father"; and a sensitive attunement and responsiveness to the child.Attuned parents have the ability to adjust the intensity and emotional tone of their responses to match their child’s feeling state and needs. During infancy, attuned interactions between a baby and its mother (or primary caregiver) are especially important because they provide the baby with the environment necessary for learning how to regulate emotions and for developing empathy.
In my observation of families, I have noted countless examples of well-meaning parents engaging in behavior that is insensitive, mis-attuned, or harmful to their children, while earnestly believing that they love them and have their best interests at heart. These parents are telling the truth, although on a defensive level, when they tell their adult children who have been emotionally hurt that they loved them and did the best they could for them. It’s true: They did the best that they were capable of, but more often than not, they simply weren't able to really see their child as a separate person and meet his or her needs. No matter how well-intentioned, many people are unfortunately not prepared for the task of raising children.
There are 8 reasons why it’s often difficult for parents to love their children.
1. Many parents have a negative self-image which they unwittingly extend to their children.
If they cannot love themselves, or have developed a negative conception of themselves and their bodies, and extend this shame and negativity to their productions, they cannot pass on love and tenderness to this remarkable creation of theirs. In general, people who do not really like themselves are incapable of genuinely loving other people, especially their children. In fact, they are more likely to project their negative feelings onto others, and there is no better dumping ground for our negative perceptions of ourselves than our children.         
2. Parents who are undeveloped or immature experience their children as an unwanted, intimidating dependency load. 
They find it threatening to bear the responsibility and extensive care that the baby and developing child require and may even come to resent their offspring.
3. Many people find it difficult or intolerable to accept love—in particular, the simple direct loving expressions of children.
If the parents were hurt in their developmental years, they will have problems accepting love and intimacy from their children. Faced with the emotional pain that it causes them, parents will unconsciously distance themselves from their child.
4. Parents have unresolved trauma in their own lives. 
If so, they will tend to be mis-attuned to their children, especially when their children approach periods in their lives that were traumatic for the parent. They may react by becoming rejecting, or they may overcompensate. Neither reaction is appropriate to, or constructive for, the child. For example, a parent who cannot bear to be reminded of his own childhood sadness may be vindictive or punishing to his children when they cry. Another parent may suppress her children's pain in just the opposite way—by over-comforting and over-protecting them. In any case, the child is always more expendable than the parent’s defense system. The more self‑protective a person is, the more he or she will act out his or her defenses on the child and progressively fail to perceive the child correctly and encourage healthy development.
5. Having children reminds parents that time is passing and tends to increase their death anxiety. 
This can cause tension and even resentment in the parent and a self-protective, defensive retreat from feeling that is directly or indirectly hurtful to their children.
6. Parents tend to use their children as immortality projects, which has a destructive effect on their offspring.
In order to serve this purpose, children must replicate their parent’s attitudes and choices. If they differ, their independent actions are misinterpreted as defiant or rebellious. Parents try to impose sameness on their children because they can’t live on through their children if the children are different from them. For example, if you arereligious and your child is a non-believer; or if you are a Democrat and your child is a Republican, your child no longer serves that necessary function. Obviously, impressing sameness is highly damaging to children. Each child is genetically different and has a unique agenda and personal destiny.
7. Parents’ unfulfilled primitive hunger for love and care from their childhood causes them, in turn, to focus these strong desires on their children.
They confuse the powerful feelings of longing and possession they have toward their offspring for genuine feelings of love. Children who are caressed by a hungry and needy parent will not feel “seen,” understood, or secure, but instead will become refractory to physical touch. The “loving” fingers of the immature parent are felt as possessive, sucking tentacles, which drain the children rather than nurture them. This type of parent will cause children to have feelings of being trapped or suffocated by close relationships in later life. As adults, they may experience affection as physical or psychological pain.
8. Due to inadequate or problematic parenting styles, many children develop traits that are unlikeable or intolerable. 
They may become unruly, defiant, disobedient, obnoxious, demanding, hostile or generally unpleasant. Even though they have been a primary cause of these behaviors, parents find it difficult to love or even like a child who exhibits these attributes.
To summarize: Almost all parents feel that they love their children. But what parents feel internally must have an external component in actions that are loving in order to have a positive effect on their children. Parents’ good intentions are not a substitute for nurturing love, which can only be provided by a psychologically healthy and independent adult. Both the intention and the capacity to love are necessary to sustain the small child in his or her growth toward maturity.
The assumption that parents, especially mothers, have a “natural” love for their child is a fundamental part of our belief system—and the core of family life and society. Very often this myth has an adverse effect, though, in that it leads to a failure to challenge negative behaviors within family life. It also intensifies parents’ guilt. These guilt feelings further contaminate the situation for those individuals who may be unable, because of their own upbringing, to provide their children with the necessary love and care they need.
Children do need and deserve love, and we must provide it or they will suffer emotional pain. Recent research in the neurosciences has shown that the way parents interact (or fail to interact) with children becomes hardwired in their children’s brains, often before they are capable of formulating words to describe what they are experiencing. As they grow older, children find numerous ways of defending themselves in order to relieve or numb their pain. In the process of dulling their pain, they close off many aspects of themselves and, to varying degrees, become emotionally deadened.
Indeed, it would be better for all concerned if the illusion of unconditional parental love were withdrawn from the child‑rearing scene. It serves no constructive purpose for parents to conceal their inadequacies from a child. An honest acceptance of their deficiencies would enable both parent and child to cope with reality devoid of additional defensive pressure. With a lessening of this pressure, and the subsequent relaxation for both parent and child, they may even regain genuine loving feelings and regard for one another.
Lastly, children whose parents have, for the most part, resolved their issues of trauma and loss from the past have a better chance. In Compassionate Child-Rearing, I described many parents who came to understand and feel for what had happened to them as children. As a result, they were able to develop more compassion for their past, and for their present-day limitations. Regaining feeling for themselves seemed to be the key element that enabled them to enjoy closer, more sensitively attuned interactions with their children and altered their child-rearing practices in a more loving, positive direction.