What is Healing for the Adopted Child?
The adopted child, a legal minor, is not allowed to begin healing because they are still existing within the adoption dynamic. The perpetual cycle of adoption in childhood is continued forced adaption to the adoptive family. The forever adopted child is always the child to the adoptive parent and can never grow up in the eyes of the adoptive parent. Within this closed role the adopted child will never and can never change the way others perceive him with in the adoptive family dynamics. Only when the adoptee sets out alone, solo and without their posse, are they able to fully experience the new existence phase of adult adoptee life. Searching for biological family is a strictly private affair that excludes the adoptive family, that can't be completely experienced as a new phase of life while the adoptive parent and the adopted-child-role tagging along.
As an adult, the adoptee makes a conscious choice in to begin their search for biological identity, heredity and culture. Some adopted children base all of their hope on a single person, the biological mother, yet in reality one person can not fulfill all of the many hopes, needs and healing of another. The biological mother is no exception to this human rule and if unrealistic expectations by the adoptee base their hurt on a single person, they will be let down and give up with blame and anger. The adult adoptee must realize that he needs the entire lot of the puzzle pieces in order to put those pieces into a coherent image.
The mature adult adopted child allows themselves to search for the pieces of the puzzle that make up an entire biological family including paternal and maternal siblings aunts uncles grandparents and other extended family to comprehend how the biological family functions.
In my story, the most important reciprocating relationships where equal respect and effort are obvious and dependable are from by biological sister and maternal aunt (mother's sister). Like all relationships, there are highs and lows, arguing and disagreements, yet they are not broken off when one is having a bad day as the relationship endures and grows stronger with time. The information that the adoptee seeks is granted when the relationships are strong.
When the adoptee is just there to get medical information and get out, they will not establish a foundation for biological relationship and private family medical information will not be obtained. The motivations are obvious to the recipients and the adoptee will not be trusted.
How to establish a relationship is a problem for adoptees, just being there is key, just existing with a biological family member is the most important factor without self-serving motives like getting their medical history. By being physically there with a family member we begin to become real, they become real and the relationship is based on trust.
Adopted children are foreign implants temporary stuck into an adoptive family, they are not born, they are there for reasons not related to the child's best interests, as the child's best interest is their biological family.
The adopted child is there to benefit the interest of the adopting mother, her needs, wants and desires, that were compulsively acted upon that resulted in an adopted child placement.
The adoptee's voice is overshadowed by their excuses, denials and qualifications that excuse the adoptive parent's treatment of the adopted child.
The adopted child's inability to make honest statements without qualifications for there words......"I dislike adoption...but I love my adoptive parents"
Is the adoptee qualifying his words to be acceptable to the listener or reader, but trying not to offend their adoptive parent if read or herd by them.
"Adoptee voice qualifications" is the adoptee's habit of not offending their adoptive parent in any style of communication, when communicating to others, they are programmed to include not offending their adoptive parent.
The consequences of adopted childhood conditioning by adoptive parent's maltreatment, by omission or commission, the fear of offending and the lived consequences of offending adoptive parent in childhood were punishment, silent treatment, etc., yet the fear is extended in the life of the adult adoptee that becomes a subconscious fear that is remedied by always qualifying their words. The adoptive parent's wrath is deeply embedded in the subconscious mind in the psyche of the adopted child, and shows up in ordinary communication patterns of adult adoptees.
Exiting the "Adoption-Fog"
When the adoptee realizes their conditioned habits that they constantly contribute to, without effort or thought, they begin to change the habit.
They begin to change the way they think, react and reflect on why the are still impacted by their adopted child fears and childhood based punishment fears.
When the adult adoptee begins to separate, compartmentalize and segregate their adopted childhood habits and conditioning by adoptive parent, the adoptee begins to change who they are by observing their own behavior. Change in the adoptee's perspective is seen as a "hostile takeover" by adoptive parents, who want their compliant, obedient and playing their part in the "adopted-child-role"
to remain their adopted child forever....But the adopted child grew up, was educated and had a family of their own, it matters not as the adopted child is a perpetual child that needed to be saved by the adoptive mother's efforts of which she is glorified by society. When the adopted child, adult adoptee no-longer wants to play the adopted child role, they want distance from it, they begin to heal through separating.
As the adult adoptee can't change, form authentic identity or heal the emotional scars of adoption while continuing to live the "adopted child role". Stepping out of the adoption fog is an awakening from the realities of one's adopted childhood, regardless of good or bad adoptive parents, adoption is the severing of the child's biological family from the adopted child. Being re-named,
re-assigned a new disposition and acting grateful in the presence of the adoptive parents, despite the impact of being adopted and denied true identity.
The adoptee's healing takes years, empty notebooks become filled with information. facts and thoughts. We begin to separate the adopted conditioning from our true spontaneous nature, we see and are healed daily by biological mirroring in our relationships with biological family members. We begin to develope likes, dislikes, preferences, new hobbies and new insight into who we really are, that was closed off from us during childhood. We can go back in time to situations and see them from unique and different perspectives. We begin to see our adopted childhood for what it is, the faults, needs and motivations of our adoptive parents become clear where we can forgive or continue to ignore their ignorance, selfishness and narcissism. We adoptees begin to become whole, where the emptiness from our biological family left us a vast void.
Finding my sister (My Most Important Relationship in my life), father, my grandmother, uncles, cousins, and my ancestors in the N.C. Cherokee tribe was monumental to my identity. Finding my mother, my aunt (the second most important relationship in my life), my brothers, dead grandparents, etc. I am validated constantly with "you blow your nose just like your mother", You get mad just like your father, I am so fortunate to be biologically mirrored now by my many blood relatives, and so thankful to them in the moment, as these relationships constitute, reflect and project my true identity, that was unknown to me through my life. If I lost any biological relationship that I now am blessed and honored with, I would be devastated. No wonder my childhood was a horrible devastating experience as loosing my entire family and especially my sister was cruel, inhuman and terrible injustice to me.
The people making decisions for me never considered me, the grandmother that wanted to raise me, they based the decision to replace me in the home of a tragedy of a dead child, in a grieving, dysfunctional adoptive family that reject me. That is my introspective reality that I have begun to heal from at 48 years old.