The Adoptee's Misery and Dread of Mother's Day
As a product of the Adoption Industry's Closed Adoption during the Baby-Scoop Era, being banished from my biological family and forbidden to "know who I am". My biological identity and heritage has always been kept legally from me to satisfy the fears and irrational demands of my adoptive mother. I was adopted to a grieving mother of two biological sons, that suffered severe depression from her third child's stillbirth.
My adopted introduction into this biological family did not fix any of the existing problems and the needs of the new adopted child made the family dynamics worse, I was sent away to grandparents, caregivers and a temporary nanny to care for me.
My needs were considered too much such as being a bad baby, a difficult child. I was a considered a hassle, an emotional drain, extremely needy and requiring too much attention...so I was told over and over again. The emotional, verbal, non-verbal and physical abuse I suffered made me into an introvert, fearing any self-directed attention, and the frequent verbal attacks telling me how I should be ashamed of myself for being me.
The constant dread and fear of all of my birthdays has a dual meaning now that I am out of the "adoption fog". The constant compliance in portraying the good "adopted child role" made me hate myself and the life long pattern of swallowing all of my emotions for fear of being punished still persists today.
I was not one of the lucky adopted children that was nurtured by a "beautiful home", the standard for buying and raising adopted children. The "opportunities" that I was supposed to receive never materialized and college loans were denied on the basis of my adoptive parent's income....that I never received or benefited from. The only opportunity that I received was medi-cal and public assistance as an adult, of which I was thankful.
I am not thankful or grateful for my forced adoption, adopted childhood abuse, psychological Isolation, or biological family identity legal secret.
The government sanctioned Mothers Day holiday is always dreaded by me. In childhood it was the expected day of mother's self-worship. The narcissistic adoptive mother expected things to take place in a certain way that she wanted. The brunch in a fancy restaurant paid for by my adoptive father, dozens of red roses, expensive jewelry, perfume and other gifts.... These are not the things a child can afford, plan or produce. It was more like her wedding anniversary expectations always orchestrated by her husband and not something a young child is capable of...And was played off as though the kids bought the stuff.
I resented Mother's Day as my adoptive mother was a selfish woman. Her callous, vindictive and cruel toward me the adopted child, yet reserved her sweet and loving attitude toward her biological sons only. The adoptive mother's fake, non-verbal, hostile attitude to the adopted child was one of obligation, annoyance and hostility as this was always obvious to me. As I learned in childhood that I was not worthy of invoking any real responses of joy, happiness or pride from my adoptive mother.
I am the product of my adoptive mother's disappointment, the non-verbal gestures of anger, ambiguity and the way she always knew and told me that I would be a failure. A disappointing failure in all my efforts to please mother and my perpetual non-fulfillment of her expectations, always proved her right. That my biology was tainted, my genetics flawed, from my slutty mother to my my drug addicted father. She believed in her assumptions about my my real parents, although she never knew anything about them....and was completely wrong.
This mothers day I remind my own now adult children
that their childhoods were my Mother's Day. The joy from being their mommy brought me such a biological connection to the world I knew nothing about. To the mystery of my identity, I could see myself in their innocent, spontaneous and natural personalities and behaviors. I refuse to celebrate this day as it is not really about me but the joy that I already received in their childhoods. There need no presents, no brunches and no singling me out as their mother, as I already know how great I had it as a young mother.
The times where my life was hard was softened by the happiness of my child offspring. That is all I need. No day of allegiance to me or a day of me worship, this type of mother is desperately in need of being told what a great mother she is, I don't need any as my beautiful, sweet and kind daughters are proof of my mothering skills. On this mothers day I say thank you to my daughters for the happiness they brought to my life.