Adopted Child's Consequences of Emotional Suppression
A the adopted child "object" of a narcissistic adoptive mother, my spontaneous childhood emotions, feelings, needs and words were met with hostility and anger. When I expressed a reaction to parent involved events, parent centered behaviors or mother prompted questions, my natural spontaneous reaction was met with a hostile adoptive mother's wrath....a slap-in-the-face. If I cried I was berated and threatened with more severe punishment than I already received. Always after my adoptive mother lost it in her severe reaction to me, would come the next stage of punishing me for my deviant child behavior. The threats of the adoptive father's temper, when he gets home from work.
The predictable humiliations of their defiant adopted child would be displayed once again in front of adoptive father and their sons. Where my terrible behaviors were exaggeratedly acted out by my adoptive mother with amplified shock and blame.
The worse than being punished was the waiting and anticipation of being humiliated in front of the biological family group. This recurring theme of humiliating the adopted child as an outsider by the cohesive biological group instilled the fact that I was not one of them.
In reality, the spontaneous and honest words a child speaks was created by the environment that the parents provide. Everything I said as a young child was from the exposure that my adoptive mother gave me. The child is a mirror of their environment, obviously my adoptive mother did not like my reflection of her environment.
I was too young to know about pretending to please the mother. Too young to anticipate her mood swings, and too young to hide the obvious truth for her benefit. My adoptive mother would constantly punish me for my honest truth, the reality of our dysfunctional family, and my poor ability to hide my unacceptable facial expressions.
The constant torment of my adoptive mother's intolerance, indifference and hostility toward me, I realized that no matter what I said or how my facial expressions looked, I needed to be punished for not pretending good enough to please the adoptive mother.....At some point I shut down, stopped feeling, denied my needs and emotions. Later when put on the spot or asked to speak, my voice would crack in fear of being verbally or physically attacked. I now believed that I was nothing, no-one and worthless without the adoptive mother's domination.
As an adult I have no ability to regulate my emotions, I can't even identify what I am feeling when concentrating on what my real emotions feel like. I know anger, passiveness and non-reaction to the screaming, yelling and conflict that plague my adopted childhood memories.
The Dynamics of Emotional Suppression