About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Health History in Biological Family


Inherited Diseases are a Fact of Life Denied in Adoptees

The compiling of biological family history is a long process based on the trust and quality in biological family relationships. 
The ignorant and unrealistic expectations by adoptive parents, for the adult adopted child to "get in, get the medical history and get out". 
This selfish assumption and requirement by adoptive parents for contingent-approval of the adoptee's reunion based on getting that history only with no development of a relationship.

In reality, the new biological relationship with all genetic family members takes time, patients and mutual trust. Biological families are closed systems where outsiders are seen as suspect
and potential danger. The adoptee's patients, mutual respect and trust builds over time. The adoptee's new relationships with biological family members can be healing for both when there is no pressure to get something from them, and there should never be a motive like the extracting of other individuals private medical data, especially for the adoptee.

The trust is gained in the building, maintaining and the reciprocating of personal disclosures is the basis for all interpersonal relationships, especially for the biological reunion relationships between adoptees and their maternal and paternal biological families.

If anyone were to ask "what is my family medical history" the resulting answer will always be "nothing comes to mind". In reality through interpersonal relationships with all bio family members, the stories they tell of long ago, about their parents (the adoptee's grand and great grand parents) the siblings (aunts and uncles of the adoptee) and children (the children the adoptee's siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews etc..) the medical problems are revealed slowly through shared experience of biological family narratives. 

That naturally flow from the biological family's lived experiences. Their recollections of family deaths will reveal causes of death and related diseases and genetic disorders. The only way for the adoptee in reunion to gain family medical history is by the adoptee's natural drive and motivation to develop their biological family relationships to become one of them again. 

In my experience, I have herd many times the answer "there is no medical problems that come to mind". This a natural response to the question of genetic diseases in the family
as the family's health problems is the biological family's biographical story that takes multiple narrators and a lot of time to unfold and be told in the family member's own good time.

Fortunately I was a nurse, so my medical training was a great help to me in understanding family deaths, illnesses and diseases that seem to be played out in the present. With my own health problems, my offspring, my grand and great grandparents, my mother and father and their family illness are echoed in me and my children.

While adoption has been monumentally unfair to me psychologically, to my health, my diseases, and my offspring's manifestation of disease, knowing my biological family could have kept me from a lifetime of suffering health problems and aid in healing them. 

What is kept me (the adopted child) suffering the diseases throughout my childhood from illness that is common to my biological family, my own children's cancer and medical necessity for a biological relative match to save her life is denied by the adoption culture's selfish protection of the adoptive parents who can't save a non-genetic child from dying. 

The reality of piecing together my paternal and maternal families health problems, diseases and reasons for death has led me to comprehend my own health problems that were made worse by being adopted. 

The separation trauma, childhood maltreatment that continued throughout my adult life causing Developmental-PTSD, reduced brain mass and functioning due to neglect and rejection by my adoptive mother, that can never be healed. Adoption secrecy keeps adoptee's in the dark, forever suffering long passed childhood. 

I learned so much about my family and myself in reunion because I was honest, genuine and patient....ready to listen to any story they would tell me, all stories mattered and still do in helping me heal the wound caused by adoption and being abused in my adoptive family. 

I learned that the dynamics of my paternal and maternal family's biology is essential to understanding my own complex diseases. Plagued with too many inherited diseases, disorders, behavioral risks, bad habits, good habits, personality traits and natural tendencies, and all of the empathy and vulnerability that all human beings possess. 

My biological family has given me acceptance, clues and maps that show who I truly am, outside of the lies and deceptions I was conditioned by in adopted childhood. I am not the "adopted child role" that I was forced to act out in childhood. I am an individual with talents, compassion and natural gifts that have persisted throughout life that I will not deny myself anymore. 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Adoptive Mothers


Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Adoptive Mother

The Emotionally Abusive mother's behaviors and characteristics reduce the child to a puppet on strings. Some of these emotionally abusive characteristics have been linked to mental illnesses such as addiction, according to Adults Surviving Child Abuse. Many children are affected by emotional abuse carry the weight of their experiences to adulthood. In the 1997 study “Emotional abuse of children: issues for intervention,” published in “Child Abuse Review,” about 25 percent of survey participants reported that they had been emotionally abused by a parent. 

Many parents are expected to put their children’s needs above their own, but an emotionally abusive mom would laugh at such demands. Her own interests are prioritized over her child’s, according to Adults Surviving Child Abuse. Her actions do not reflect those of a mom who is looking out for the best interest of her child, as the abusive mother has her own desires to satisfy.

Antagonistic Mother: 
For an emotionally abused child, bullying starts in the home. The mother may be verbally abusive and hurl insults, rude names and put-downs at him. Her comments are degrading and demean her child publicly just to humiliate him. If her child shows that he is upset, she invalidates his feelings, acting like the child's emotions don’t matter and protests that it is the child's fault for being too sensitive.

Possessive Mother:
A mother who is emotionally abusive is possessive and controlling, especially when her children are adults. She may overlook different aspects of her child’s life and expect him to run all decisions by her, no matter how little. The child is not seen or treated as someone with thoughts and feelings independent from her own. If she does not have a close circle of friends, she will forbid her child from hanging out with friends, isolating him from his peers.

Manipulative Mother: 
Emotionally abusive mothers use emotions to manipulate their children. An emotionally abusive mom will play the victim if her child protests her requests or shows disapproval of her behavior. She might use emotional blackmail by holding back affection, giving the silent treatment or sulking to make her child feel guilty. When it comes to taking responsibility for her actions, she does not own up to her mistakes and usually blames her child. She will avoid saying sorry, and may never apologize at all.

Friday, May 27, 2016

The Significance of Birth order on Adopted Child


The Significance of Birth Order

Relationships begin at home. It is in the family where we are first tested and where we receive the first rude elements of our own identity. Or at least of our social identity, upon which so much of our later, more mature ‘sense of self’ depends. The eldest or only child has only his/her parents to please and apart from that can please him or herself. Their identity therefore stems from only one, narrow, relatively guaranteed and usually uncomplicated relationship. As a result, a rather headstrong, self-centered, determined, assertive and uncompromising, possibly arrogant sense of self [personality] tends to characterize the eldest or only child. Natural leaders by virtue of birth, and unused to compromise, they are rarely challenged.

With the arrival of the second child a new power dynamic is established: they must not only please their parents, whose affection they crave, but they must also deal with their elder sibling; inevitably this means some compromise. They fight a lot and vie with each other for the affection of their parents. They are rivals much of the time and fight playfully, falling in and out of love constantly like small kittens. While the first child was born into a completely new situation requiring few demands or compromise and more or less guaranteeing a continuous supply of undivided affection, all the later children have a diluted sense of worth and gradually command reducing amounts of attention and affection from their parents. Both are also divided to some degree between them all.

From the perspective of self-image and social identity, the third child is born into an even more complex and compromising environment. He or she arrives into a ready-made family with pre-formed complex relationships and power dynamics, about none of which he/she was consulted or involved. He or she not only wishes to gain affection of the parents (upon whom sanity depends) but must also negotiate with the other siblings and establish tolerably harmonious relationships with them. They stand in his/her way and between the third child and the parents whose affection and approval they crave. Thus there is a potential ‘zone of discomfort’ standing between the third child and their parents, occupied by the two older siblings. They feel more distant, a stranger almost, coming into this comfortable environment with its own power structures already formed, and in which they feel excluded very easily and any little upset or challenge to their identity is upsetting and lonely. 

In any rivalry with the two older children, the third child feels especially threatened and insecure; nervous to some degree and at times even paranoid. The older siblings can appear to the third child like enemies blocking his/her access to and contact with the parents. They potentially threaten his/her supply of affection.
To the third child, the older siblings can at times seem like an uncomfortable barrier which cuts him her off from natural affection. Thus they may feel cooler towards their parents and more sensitive of any threat to their natural affection, to which they feel entitled by birthright. The parents at times also seem at times to be colluding with the older siblings and acting against the interests of the third child. This gives the impression of being 'ganged up against', cut-off and excluded. Of an unfair three-against-one situation. Thus they can often feel lonely, excluded and left out. Feeling so marginalized can affect their identity. They tend to feel more distant and aloof, detached even and emotionally neutral to most of what happens. At times they may seem hesitant, confused, unsure and ambivalent. They cannot ‘take sides’, for to do so threatens some power relationship on one side or the other, which amounts to a non-option which will leave them all alone and excluded. Probably nothing terrifies the third child more than being excluded, left-out and lonely. They are constantly being forced to compromise, be diplomatic and to negotiate for any territory. Thus they develop a new sense of identity based not upon brash assertiveness but upon guile, quiet diplomacy and trying to please everybody. To some extent they seek and take refuge in friendships formed outside the home, as they have a little more control over them than those existing within the family.

Now imagine that the third child is adopted....In a home void of emotional abuse or family dysfunction. The problems are many
with all of the above negative impacts by siblings and parents. Without the necessity for identity biological mirroring, there are no clues for the adopted child to recognize himself in a mirror, nothing exists in the adopted child's world that is familiar or brings comfort from the extreme loneliness and isolation that the adoptee experiences. Being the third child is also plagued by a mother that is depressed, too busy or too self centered to acknowledge the adopted child's trauma, inability to be cohesive or to assist the adopted child with their complex emotional needs, so the adopted child suffers in silence.  

The Psychology of Biological Similarity in parent-Offspring Relationships


The psychological Need for Similarity In Parenting Offspring

Parenting and the Psychology of Similarity

In their children, parents see reflections of themselves. In their parents, children see models for themselves. To the degree that children appear to be like their parents, and parents appear how children want to be, a kind of harmony based on similarity can rule.
“We want our child to share our interests, goals, and values,” explain the parents, “and we let him know how it pleases us when he does.” “I want to do the same as my parents,” explains the young child, “because they love it when I’m acting just like them.” In human relationships, when it comes to attraction and compatibility, perceived similarity is essential. We tend to feel closer to others who seem like us. We tend to like those who believe and behave like us. We tend to assume other kinds of positive commonality from apparent similarities. We even tend to treat strangers better who appear similar to us. And we are often drawn to those people who we wish to be like.
Thus the psychology of similarity plays out between parents and child, a kind of matching game that is essential, particularly when a match cannot be made or is unmade as in the dissimilar adopted child– when sense of difference creates a sense of being unlike, when sense of being unlike creates a sense of being less liked, when feeling less alike and being un-liked reduces the desire to associate and take pleasure from that connection.
Sometimes a match cannot be made. For example, the adopted child (unlike the first who is genetically similar to parents) is differently inclined or constituted than parents, perhaps he is not physically active like them, perhaps not emotionally upbeat like them, perhaps not socially outgoing like them, perhaps not academically interested like them, perhaps not achievement motivated like them. Sensing something “wrong” with these differences, parents may try to change the child to fit their model and in doing so send a message of intolerance: “you are not acceptable the way you are; you need to become more like us to be okay.” 
If the adopted child cannot or will not bend or pretend to parental wishes and comply with their desire for similarity, parental disapproval and disappointment will follow, the adopted child sadly or madly concluding: “I could never measure up to be the way my parents wanted!” Hopefully, she will be able to make a healthy distinction at this point for her own sake: “the fault wasn’t me for failing to meet their expectations; it was their failure for not building expectations that understood and were accepting of me.”
Parents should beware: it’s easy to expect similarity to themselves from their children; it’s easy to favor similarity to them among their children; it’s easy for their desire for similarity to suppress the expression or growth of authentic individuality in their children; it’s easy to encourage, even insist on, a child’s similarity to them where there is no natural basis there. It’s important that parents don’t allow their need for similarity to get in the way of their child’s need for acceptance. They must learn to bridge human differences with interest to communicate acceptance the adolescent needs.
When Similarity is Non-Existent In Adopted Children.......
When a similarity match is unmade, as to some degree often happens with the onset of adolescence, everybody suffers a loss: the parents no longer having a child who wants to imitate them for closeness sake, and the child no longer having parents as the model they want to imitate. Adolescence itself is the common culprit here as the child separates and asserts differentness from how she was a child, from how parents are, and from how they want her to be, all as part of the process of asserting his own individual and independent way.
For example, finding similarity to her mom offensive, the 14-year-old daughter defiantly turns on the woman and declares: “I’m not you, I’m not like you, I don’t want to be you, and I’m not going to become how you want me to be! I’m going to be me!” The similarity that kept them so close in childhood, best friends of a kind, to some degree ruptures as adolescence starts growing them apart, creating a necessary loss for both. Now the mom has to endure more friction and tolerance with her daughter so the adolescent does not feel that loss of similarity has resulted in any loss of love.
The psychology of similarity is complicated because not only can similarity confer a sense of familiarity, commonality, comfort, and closeness, it can also create clashes and cause conflicts. For example, consider what happens when, in the dad’s words: “My high school daughter and I are too alike.” What does he mean? “We’re both high strung, easily stressed, on edge a lot, too sensitive for our own good, and too quick off the trigger when we get upset, sometimes popping off and saying what we wish we hadn’t but can’t take back now. My wife is great with our daughter because she’s low key and calm and can listen when our daughter is blowing up a storm. Not like me. Unless I catch myself, I immediately start storming back, and we go at each other gale force!”
This is when I talk to the dad about exploiting the similarity connection with his daughter to positive effect. “Since you both seem to share a lot of human nature, you can use that similarity to instructional effect. Tell her how you’ve learned to manage high sensitivity and emotional reactivity over the years, the strategies for self-restraint that you’ve developed, and then for the sake of your present and her future practice not popping off with her when she’s feeling intense. From your emotionally sober example maybe she can learn to moderate herself.”
One family example that illustrates how extreme psychological similarity can create extreme intimacy is the case of adolescent identical twins. Sharing the same genes, they often develop a closeness with each other that is not only greater than with anyone else in the family, but to a degree can emotionally exclude others in the family as well. They have a special knowing of each other and need for each other to complete each other, to some degree sharing the same personality, even communicating in a kind of shorthand or special language that other family members do not understand. And, should they eventually marry, their partners are going to have to accept and value the deep bonding that the twins will always have with each other from the extreme psychological similarity they share.
Finally, a reader of my earlier blog about Parental Favorism testified to how destructive the psychology of similarity can become. (Google up: pickhardt parental favoritism.) "My own experience has taught me that the favored child is generally the one most akin to the parent responsible for the favoring. The two will share personality traits, likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests. They may also demonstrate a similarity in behavior and mannerisms, or in physical appearance and dress sense. Sometimes, the simple fact of their being the same gender will be enough to secure favoritism.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Maternal Deprivation that All Adopted Infants Suffer


Maternal Deprivation Affect on Adopted Infants

Adopted infants suffer the traumatic event of maternal separation, are denied the continuation of their biological relationship bond with there biological mother, that is hormone driven-reciprocated between genetic mother-offspring dyad,
and are forced by adoptive parents to deny their traumatic experience, consequences and future healing. 

The adoptive parent's intentional denial of the adopted infant's biological separation trauma is a predictable response from the adoptive parent's "cognitive dissonance". The psychological defense mechanism cognitive dissonance plays a great role in adoptive parent's avoidance of shame, denial of who the child was, is, who the child's mother is and how they separated the pair to fulfill their own selfish needs, wants and demands. 

Their denial of the impact and consequences that the adoptive parents directly caused the suffering of the nameless mother and her offspring to satisfy the adoptive parent's desires to parent a biological mother's offspring. The common sense, laws of nature and morality, is that the child will always belong with the child's biological family, and will return after the adoption ends at age of majority, 18 years of age adulthood.  

If the adoptive parent were to honestly acknowledge any psychological harm to the adopted child and the adopted child's biological mother, the adoptive parent would experience excessive guilt, moral sadness and selfish based shame in their selfish demands to intentionally separate a child from it's biological mother, to fill the empty void in their own life.  
that the adopted child experienced  trauma ever existed. 

The traumatised child will suffer maternal depravity, as their biological mother is the only person biologically and hormonally driven to nurture their offspring by intuition, biological similarity and genetic mirroring. The adoptive mother is not driven by pregnancy and postpartum hormones, she can not intuitively understand or communicate in the biological mother-infant chemical language, and can not provide genetic mirroring to non-genetic offspring. 

The adoptive mother relationship is based on the interpersonal relationship theory of likeness, where the adopted infant is expected to act similar to the adoptive family, disregarding their own spontaneous personality and true self. While this "adopted child role" works well in young childhood, the charade can not logically last forever. When the "adopted child role" begins to deteriorate in adolescence when the adopted child is attempting to form an inauthentic adopted indentity that does not fit with reality. The young adult adopted child is attempting identity, yet is denying the truth of who the adopted child really is genetically the adoptee must make decisions based in truth and not in lies to accept himself authentically.

Bowlby's Attachment Theory

John Bowlby (1907 - 1990) was a psychoanalyst (like Freud) and believed that mental health and behavioral problems could be attributed to early childhood.
Bowlby’s evolutionary theory of attachment, that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others, because this will help them to survive.
Bowlby was very much influenced by ethological theory in general, but especially by Lorenz's (1935) study of Imprinting.  Lorenz showed that attachment was innate (in young ducklings) and therefore has a survival value.
Bowlby believed that attachment behaviors are instinctive and will be activated by any conditions that seem to threaten the achievement of proximity, such as separation, insecurity and fear.
Bowlby (1969, 1988) also postulated that the fear of strangers represents an important survival mechanism, built in by nature.  Babies are born with the tendency to display certain innate behaviors (called social releasers) which help ensure proximity and contact with the mother or attachment figure (e.g. crying, smiling, crawling, etc.) – these are species-specific behaviors.
During the evolution of the human species, it would have been the babies who stayed close to their mothers that would have survived to have children of their own.  Bowlby hypothesized that both infants and mothers have evolved a biological need to stay in contact with each other.
These attachment behaviors initially function like fixed action patterns and all share the same function. The infant produces innate ‘social releaser’ behaviors such as crying and smiling that stimulate caregiving from adults.  The determinant of attachment is not food but care and responsiveness.

Bowlby suggested that a child would initially form only one attachment and that the attachment figure acted as a secure base for exploring the world.  The attachment relationship acts as a prototype for all future social relationships so disrupting it can have severe consequences.

Main Points of Bowlby’s Theory

1. A child has an innate (i.e. inborn) need to attach to one main attachment figure (i.e. monotropy).
Although Bowlby did not rule out the possibility of other attachment figures for a child, he did believe that there should be a primary bond which was much more important than any other (usually the mother).
Bowlby believes that this attachment is different in kind (qualitatively different) from any subsequent attachments.  Bowlby argues that the relationship with the mother is somehow different altogether from other relationships.
Essentially, Bowlby (1988) suggested that the nature of monotropy (attachment conceptualized as being a vital and close bond with just one attachment figure) meant that a failure to initiate, or a breakdown of, the maternal attachment would lead to serious negative consequences, possibly including affectionless psychopathy.  Bowlby’s theory of monotropy led to the formulation of his maternal deprivation hypothesis.
The child behaves in ways that elicits contact or proximity to the caregiver.  When a child experiences heightened arousal, he/she signals their caregiver.  Crying, smiling, and, locomotion, are examples of these signaling behaviors.  Instinctively, caregivers respond to their children’s behavior creating a reciprocal pattern of interaction.

2. A child should receive the continuous care of this single most important attachment figure for approximately the first two years of life.
Bowlby (1951) claimed that mothering is almost useless if delayed until after two and a half to three years and, for most children, if delayed till after 12 months, i.e. there is a critical period.
If the attachment figure is broken or disrupted during the critical two year period the child will suffer irreversible long-term consequences of this maternal deprivation.  This risk continues until the age of five.
Bowlby used the term maternal deprivation to refer to the separation or loss of the mother as well as failure to develop an attachment.
The underlying assumption of Bowlby’s Maternal Deprivation Hypothesis is that continual disruption of the attachment between infant and primary caregiver (i.e. mother) could result in long term cognitive, social, and emotional difficulties for that infant.  The implications of this are vast – if this is true, should the primary caregiver leave their child in day care, whilst they continue to work?

3. The long term consequences of maternal deprivation might include the following:
• delinquency, 
• reduced intelligence, 
• increased aggression, 
• depression, 
• affectionless psychopathy
Affectionless psychopathy is an inability to show affection or concern for others.  Such individuals act on impulse with little regard for the consequences of their actions.  For example, showing no guilt for antisocial behavior. 

4. Robertson and Bowlby (1952) believe that short term separation from an attachment figure leads to distress (i.e. the PDD model).
They found 3 progressive stages of distress:
  • Protest: The child cries, screams and protests angrily when the parent leaves. They will try to cling on to the parent to stop them leaving.
  • Despair: The child’s protesting begins to stop and they appear to be calmer although still upset. The child refuses others’ attempts for comfort and often seems withdrawn and uninterested in anything.
  • Detachment: If separation continues the child will start to engage with other people again. They will reject the caregiver on their return and show strong signs of anger.
5. The child’s attachment relationship with their primary caregiver leads to the development of an internal working model (Bowlby, 1969).
The quality of parental care was considered by Bowlby to be of vital importance to the child's development and future mental healyth. It was believed to be essential that the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both found satisfaction and enjoyment. Given this relationship, emotions of guilt and anxiety (characteristics of mental illness when in excess) would develop in an organised and moderate way. Naturally extreme emotions would be moderated and become amenable to the control of the child's developing personality. He stated, "It is this complex rich and rewarding relationship with the mother in the early years, varied in countless ways by relations with the father and with siblings, that child psychiatrists and many others now believe to underlie the development of character and mental health.
Intenional Animal Cruelty Observed In Maternal Depravity Studies Of Rhesus Monkeys
Researchers have for years studied depression, alcoholism, aggression, maternal-infant bonding and other conditions and phenomena in nonhuman primates and other laboratory animals using an experimental maternal deprivation paradigm. Most influentially, Harry Harlow would, in the mid-1950s, begin raising infant monkeys in his UoW-Wisconsin laboratory in total or partial isolation and with inanimate surrogate mothers in an attempt to study maternal-infant bonding as well as various states of mental illness.
In Harlow’s laboratory, infant rhesus monkeys were immediately removed from their mothers and placed with cloth or wire surrogate mothers, sometimes called “iron maidens” by the researchers. Harlow found that the infants would become attached to their inanimate mothers –both those made of wire and those covered with cloth- and when removed from them they would “screech in terror”. Harlow and his colleagues would later develop “evil artificial mothers” meant to “impart fear and insecurity to infant monkeys” -including one designed with brass spikes- but contrary to the researcher’s hypothesis, these animals too demonstrated an attachment to their surrogates.
Subsequent experiments would study the effects of total and partial isolation on the animals’ mental health and interpersonal bonding using a stainless steel vertical chamber designed by Harlow, named the “pit of despair”, which was found to produce “profound and prolonged depression” in monkeys. Similarly, Harlow found that extended isolation in bare wire cages left monkeys with “profound behavioral abnormalities” including “self-clutching and rocking” and later “apathy and indifference to external stimulation”. Harlow likened this behavior to catatonic schizophrenia.
Later experiments were devised to test the mother-child bond with mothers who had themselves been reared in isolation as infants. This early deprivation was found to have retarded the mothers’ emotional development and her ability to engage in intercourse and in turn become pregnant. In response, Harlow and his colleagues created an apparatus to impregnate these mothers they named a “rape rack”. Harlow found that once these monkeys gave birth, they cared little for their offspring writing, “these monkey mothers that had never experienced love of any kind were devoid of love for their infants”. While some mothers simply ignored their children, Harlow characterized others as “evil” and abusive and in some instances reported them “crushing the infant's face to the floor, chewing off the infant's feet and fingers, and in one case… putting the infant's head in her mouth and crushing it like an eggshell.
Harlow’s experiments have been heralded as revolutionary and also robustly criticized as scientifically invalid and sadistically cruel. Writing on the researcher’s legacy, John Gluck, a former student of Harlow’s opined, “On the one hand, his work on monkey cognition and social development fostered a view of the animals as having rich subjective lives filled with intention and emotion. On the other, he has been criticized for the conduct of research that seemed to ignore the ethical implantations of his own discoveries.
Maternal deprivation experiments on nonhuman primates have continued into the 21st century and remain controversial. Stephen Suomi, an early collaborator of Harlow, has continued to conduct maternal deprivation experiments on rhesus monkeys in his NIH laboratory and has been vigorously criticized by PETA, Members of Congress and others

The Six Stages of Normal Biological Parenting of their Offspring


The Six Stages of Normal Biological Parenting of Offspring

The six stages of parenthood (Galinsky, 1987):
1 - The Image-Making Stage
During pregnancy, parents "form and re-form images" of the upcoming birth and 
the changes they anticipate. This is a period of preparation.
2 - The Nurturing Stage
 Parents compare image and actual experience during the time from baby's birth to  toddler's first use of the word "no" (about age 18 to 24 months). This is a period of  attachment and also of questioning. Parents may question their priorities and also          how they spend their time.
3 - The Authority Stage
When the child is between 2 years and 4 - 5 years, parents decide "what kind of        authority to be." This is a period of developing and setting rules, as well as enforcing   them.
4 - The Interpretive Stage
 Stretching from the child's preschool years to her approach to adolescence,                    this stage has the task of interpretation. In this period, parents interpret their                  own self-concepts as well as their children's. Parents also are concerned with            interpreting the world to their children.
5 - The Interdependent Stage
 During the child's teen years, families re-visit some of the issues of the Authority        Stage, but find new solutions to them as parents form "a new relationship with their  almost-adult child."
6 - The Departure Stage
 When children leave home, parents evaluate not just their offspring's leave-taking          but also the whole of their parenting experience.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Longterm Psychological Effects on Children by Narcissistic Parents


The distorted mind of the Narcissist mother

The Vanity and Desire In Public Appearance

The adoptive mother's psychologically distorted perception of how everyone in her world must see her.....As a beautiful, youthful and popular woman, an upstanding member of the socially affluent Christian church, dedicated to social and church charity projects, socially acknowledged prestigious wife and mother devoted to her offspring. 

The narcissist adoptive mother's effort to maintain her vanity at all cost, cheats herself out of happiness, relationships and truth. The relationships with peers are shallow and disposable. There is never longterm friendships that are consistent through the years, as the narcissist's constant rifts, gossip, backstabbing and triangulation cause those relationships to abruptly end, is what is constant about her relationships.

When any negative or painful situation is made publicly known, the narcissist will create her own version of events that conflict with reality, or use diversion tactics to save (public) face. The loss of a child is a very public event, infertility and stillbirth. The narcissist's bruised pride will recalculate her strategy by adopting a child to redeem her suffering at the hands of public scrutiny and gossip. The narcissist adoptive mother now emerges as a hero in the public sphere, by "saving a paper orphan from their heredity". The narcissist gains public revere and celebration of their selfless actions, although the actions were completely selfish based demands. In turn the narcissist adoptive mother becomes the poster child of selflessness, which is as ironic as the ignorant gossiping public that worships the narcissist's vanity.   


The Longterm Psychological Effects from Narcissistic Parents 

The topic of narcissism begs the following question flashing in neon lights: Why would a narcissist want a child to begin with? Aren’t they so focused on themselves that they wouldn’t have the slightest interest in paying attention to others, much less attending to a needy young child who craves constant attention and praise?
Alas, the question presumes a type of normalcy and natural order of the parent-child relationship that betrays the root of narcissism. The truth is, narcissistic parents don’t have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which the narcissist can write the rules without any checks and balances. Understand this: Control over someone else is the ultimate jackpot every narcissist works so hard to win. The reality of narcissistic parenting couldn’t be sadder: The child of the narcissist realizes early on that he exists to provide a reflection for the parent and to serve the parent - not the other way around.
If you comb through online relationship forums and chat rooms devoted to the subject of adult children of narcissists, you'll find that all of the posters of comments have suffered similar bruises at the hands of a narcissistic parent. To read some of the comments is heartbreaking, and calls into question how strange and illogical it is to create such rigorous adoption laws when an ill-fit individual can procreate whenever they want – and mess up the life of a child without suffering a consequence. The real tragedy occurs behind closed doors at home, much like the process of physical abuse. The problem with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes these children so many years of frustration and anguish to figure out that Mom or Dad isn’t quite right; until that point, these children are merely dancing as fast as they can, trying to please the impossible-to-please narcissistic parent. It takes years to finally see that the type of parenting they’ve been receiving is wrong – if not emotionally abusive.
Young children of narcissists learn early in life that everything they do is a reflection on the parent to the point that the child must fit into the personality and behavioral mold intended for them. These children bear tremendous anxiety from a young age as they must continually push aside their own personality in order to please the parent and provide the mirror image the parent so desperately needs. If these children fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their life – God, forbid – the children will be overtly punished, frozen out or avoided for a period of time – hours, days or even weeks depending on the perceived transgression in the eyes of the narcissistic parent.
With young children, the narcissistic parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to angerthat the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is poor and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – though the narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious.
It’s not until many years later that the life experiences of the child of the narcissist start to make a little more sense. Friends often catch glimpses of the kind of ‘crazy’ parenting these individuals received, so he or she starts to get a healthy reality check like this: “Your mom is insane,” or “Your Dad is seriously messed up.”
How narcissistic parenting impacts the adult relationships of children of narcissists
Because the narcissistic parent-child bond was so distorted and corrupt, the offspring as adults tend to gravitate toward drama-laden, roller-coaster relationships – especially with romantic partners. Because they didn’t grow up with the belief that they were intrinsically okay and good, it makes perfect sense that these individuals would gravitate toward stormy romantic partners later. These adults would feel like a fish out of water in a relationship with someone who loved them consistently, and the experience would be so unfamiliar that it would cause major anxiety. Accordingly, these individuals tend to seek out partners who are emotionally unavailable, critical or withholding – just like Mommy and/or Daddy was in the past. In short, the only kind of relationship the adult child of a narcissist really fits in with is one with a highly skewed dynamic: The child of the narcissist must cater to and keep their partner happy, even when that involves squashing her own needs and feelings.
It’s not until the adult children of a narcissist get (a lot of) psychotherapy or have a life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create better, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocation most of us have and value in our relationships.
What’s interesting to note is the narcissistic parent’s reaction to witnessing healthy psychological change in their child. Once the child or adult child of the narcissist starts to get psychologically healthier and begins to distance himself a bit from the parent, the narcissistic parent experiences a sort of existential panic. Often, it’s a psychotherapist, colleague or friend who plants the seeds of change, declaring to the child that the parent is toxic and emotionally abusive. Thrust into fight mode, the narcissistic parent feels furious and works to ostracize the individual suspected of inducing the change and pulling the child away from the parent’s tight grip. Though it can initially be confusing to the adult child why the narcissistic parent verbally tears apart his closest confidants, the parent’s reaction ultimately shows the adult child what matters most to the narcissistic parent: his or her own emotional needs – not those of the adult child.
If you happen to be someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional. After years of dealing with the inconsistency of a narcissistic parent, it can be extremely healing to have a therapist help you make sense of the craziness.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Adopted Child Consequences of Emotional Suppression


Adopted Child's Consequences of Emotional Suppression

A the adopted child "object" of a narcissistic adoptive mother, my spontaneous childhood emotions, feelings, needs and words were met with hostility and anger. When I expressed a reaction to parent involved events, parent centered behaviors or mother prompted questions, my natural spontaneous reaction was met with a hostile adoptive mother's wrath....a slap-in-the-face. If I cried I was berated and threatened with more severe punishment than I already received. Always after my adoptive mother lost it in her severe reaction to me, would come the next stage of punishing me for my deviant child behavior. The threats of the adoptive father's temper, when he gets home from work. 

The predictable humiliations of their defiant adopted child would be displayed once again in front of adoptive father and their sons.  Where my terrible behaviors were exaggeratedly acted out by my adoptive mother with amplified shock and blame. 

The worse than being punished was the waiting and anticipation of being humiliated in front of the biological family group. This recurring theme of humiliating the adopted child as an outsider by the cohesive biological group instilled the fact that I was not one of them.

In reality, the spontaneous and honest words a child speaks was created by the environment that the parents provide. Everything I said as a young child was from the exposure that my adoptive mother gave me. The child is a mirror of their environment, obviously my adoptive mother did not like my reflection of her environment. 

I was too young to know about pretending to please the mother. Too young to anticipate her mood swings, and too young to hide the obvious truth for her benefit. My adoptive mother would constantly punish me for my honest truth, the reality of our dysfunctional family, and my poor ability to hide my unacceptable facial expressions. 

The constant torment of my adoptive mother's intolerance, indifference and hostility toward me, I realized that no matter what I said or how my facial expressions looked, I needed to be punished for not pretending good enough to please the adoptive mother.....At some point I shut down, stopped feeling, denied my needs and emotions. Later when put on the spot or asked to speak, my voice would crack in fear of being verbally or physically attacked. I now believed that I was nothing, no-one and worthless without the adoptive mother's domination.

As an adult I have no ability to regulate my emotions, I can't even identify what I am feeling when concentrating on what my real emotions feel like. I know anger, passiveness and non-reaction to the screaming, yelling and conflict that plague my adopted childhood memories.


The Dynamics of Emotional Suppression
Emotional suppression sometimes serves a useful, even essential purpose. When suffering a severe traumatic injury the body automatically passes into the physiological state of shock, blocking all feeling and sensation and numbing consciousness, so that the injured person can better begin recovery. 
Similarly, when children experience physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, they commonly report feeling numb, losing consciousness, and sometimes even leaving their bodies (they may remember objectively observing the event from above). In such cases emotional suppression serves as a mercy, a blessing, and a necessary first step in the healing process.
Even during lesser travails, suppression often seems the best we can do. As children learn early on, no matter how much a parent violates you, to vent your rage will result in more extreme punishment. 
Indeed, expressing anger-energy typically makes matters worse. Grief-stricken as you may feel, crying will not help and will make matters worse -- especially around other people who will not tolerate your tears.
The same goes with fear: showing your fear to others can undermine your ability to lead or interfere with the need for immediate action. Some situations seem to offer no other choice than to suppress a feeling now, such as needing to laugh during a funeral or experiencing sexual arousal at the wrong time or place or around the wrong person.
We suppress emotions as a way to avoid expressing them. All social groups, beginning with the family, develop their own sets of good manners and mores, which govern the acceptable and unacceptable emotional expression. 
A society full of people all spontaneously expressing their emotions threatens unending chaos. In order to form polite, civil, working groups, individuals must somehow control their emotional energies; maturing socially means learning to rein in our natural (but childish) tendency for emotional expression.
Yet while emotional suppression may sometimes serve a useful purpose, inhibiting the free flow of emotional energies over the course of a lifetime causes serious damage to our bodies, minds, and spirits. Our efforts to stifle emotion become a stifling of life itself. Though the symptoms vary, most people die from a slow suicide of self-strangulation. Therefore it behooves us to understand just how badly emotional suppression injures us, even as we find healthier ways to deal with ever-flowing emotional energies.

Emotional suppression causes system wide dysfunction and disease.

When we suppress an emotion, the energy of that emotion does not go away. Instead, it subsides -- it sinks deeper. Rather than resolve the emotional energy through some form of response, we choose (however unconsciously) to hold it inside. Though the immediacy of the feeling may pass, the energy does not. We hold it deep inside and, typically, it stays inside.
Modern physics tells us that mass becomes energy as energy becomes mass. Though emotional energy forms the most subtle stuff, it is stuff nonetheless. If you hold enough of this stuff inside you, then you become energetically "stuffed up," which carries the same implications as a stuffed nose, stuffed colon, stuffed arteries, or even owning too much stuff.
Energy moves within the body in regular currents and beyond the body in radiant fields. As emotional suppression becomes an unconscious habit and emotional energy becomes stuffed inside, the free movement of vital energy gradually degrades. Think of a wide rushing river into which one daily throws several large stones. Over the course of a lifetime the river becomes clogged, diminished, and sluggish. Likewise, over the course of a human lifetime the habitual suppression of emotional energy clogs and diminishes the once-rushing river of light.
As we clog and diminish the flow of emotional energy we block and interfere with the fundamental design and function of the human organism. This causes system wide dysfunction, with most biological processes and organs (including the brain/mind) failing to operate at full efficiency. Life spans shorten and creative potential declines. Sickness, disease, and general unhappiness all take a larger-than-necessary role in the human drama. Our bodies and minds struggle through energy-starved lives, while suppressing great wells of life force within.

Emotional suppression inflicts specific injuries upon the body.

This occurs when, especially as children, we must suppress extremely traumatic emotions. The child who has just suffered a severe violation or who has suddenly learned of a huge loss will experience a great burst of emotional energy in response. If for immediately compelling reasons the child suppresses that emotion, then all of the child's surging energy becomes forcefully jammed somewhere in particular in the body.
The specific location will relate in some way to the specifics of the situation. If the child suffers physical injury, then emotional suppression may occur at the site of the injury. If the child contracts into a grimace or a frown, then emotional energy may lock in the muscles of the face. Anywhere that the child experiences pain or tension during the traumatic event -- clenched fists, upset stomach, spanked bottom, abused genitals -- becomes a likely place to harbor suppressed emotional energies. And unless the child later experiences deep healing, the suppressed energies of a traumatic event remain embodied forever.
When a strong charge of vital energy contracts in the body for a long period of time, the energy eventually becomes matter. The energy literally becomes an unhealthy, pathological mass. Suppressed emotional energy can become tumorous, harden arteries, stiffen joints, weaken bones. Suppressed emotional energy can precipitate the onset of cancer in any system or organ of the body. Suppressed emotional energy can undermine the immune system and make a body vulnerable to innumerable illnesses.
Ironically, what begins as a gift of vital energy and the raw material for empowered response turns into its opposite: the stuff of dysfunction and disease. The choice to contract and suppress traumatic emotional energy plants energy-charged seeds of future pathology. The more urgently a child suppresses a traumatic event, or the more often the child experiences a less traumatic event (such as a specific criticism that a child hears several times a day, every day, over a period of years), the more potentially destructive the specific quantity of suppressed energy.
The typical adult body, as any experienced bodyworker will tell you, comes riddled with the suppressed emotional energies of the past. Bodywork is a growing field of alternative medicine whose modalities include various forms and combinations of movement, sound, breath, and physical manipulation. The latter ranges from the gentle touching to often painful probing of deep tissues. Often the simplest of touches to some innocuous part of the body, when expertly applied, will release a torrent of emotion and long-suppressed memory. The powerful healing that such work can initiate testifies to the destructive effects of long-term emotional suppression.

Emotional suppression renders us less capable and responsible.

Ideally, energy-in-motion empowers us to deal more effectively with the changes and challenges of life. Through the unconscious habit of suppressing emotional energy, however, we misplace the very essence of effective response. The person who habitually suppresses all feelings of fear will stand frozen in the road unable to leap out of the way of approaching traffic. The person who suppresses all feelings of sadness will fail to fully resolve painful losses and may always suffer from low-grade chronic grief. The person who habitually suppresses anger will feel forever cowed and victimized by the inevitable violations of life. The person who suppresses feelings of sexual pleasure will derive little satisfaction from lovemaking and may manifest various forms of sexual aberration.
We need our emotions. They provide us with the vital force to think creatively and act decisively. The more successfully we suppress our emotions, the less successfully we do anything else.

Emotional suppression deforms the body.

Whenever we suppress an emotion we physically contract some part or parts of the body. In time we develop patterns of repeated emotional suppression, which means that specific parts of the body must engage in chronic tension. Such long-term chronic tension eventually alters body form and posture, invariably for the worse.
The "character lines" etched into an older person's face result from years of tensing the face while struggling with emotional energy. A permanently hunched upper back reveals a person who never made peace with burdens and responsibilities, just as a caved-in chest shows us someone overwhelmed with unresolved grief. Years of fearing and resisting sex can tilt the pelvis back and away from other people. Angrily clenching the jaw will eventually grind the enamel off of teeth, just as chronically clenching toes will shorten tendons in the feet, with ramifications throughout the body.
Bodyworkers have cataloged many such examples of emotional suppression leading to misshapen bodies. The tree will grow as we bend the twig. As human bodies grow, incalculable bending comes from the chronic physical contraction of emotional suppression.

Emotional suppression causes system wide fatigue.

Suppressing strong emotion does not occur easily. It requires an act of forceful muscular contraction, stifled breath, and mental denial to engineer the original suppression of an emotion -- the stronger the emotion, the more force required -- and it requires continuing contraction and denial to sustain such suppression. Without the expenditure of great quantities of energy, emotional suppression could not and would not occur. Typically, as a person ages more and more emotional energy becomes suppressed, while more and more vital energy is tied up in sustaining suppression. All of which just plain wears us down.
Emotional suppression undermines the healthy function of body and mind and stuffs inside the rushing energy of effective response. To make matters worse, emotional suppression requires that we permanently commit significant amounts of energy to keeping everything stuffed away, unfelt and unnoticed. This places heavy demands on our daily resources. So much of the chronic fatigue that afflicts people in modern societies stems from this unconscious sustaining of emotional suppression. Though we have access to great wells of vital energy, we can only lose so much to the dynamics of suppression before we become chronically enervated.

Emotional suppression energetically disconnects us from the rest of our world.

The energy fields that surround a healthy human being extend outward to touch and meaningfully connect with other people and the environment. Through these vital energy connections we experience oneness and can communicate with others in the most profound and satisfying ways. Positive emotions, such as love, compassion, empathy, intimacy, and trust, only occur between people who can connect energetically. Telepathy works in the same way; we experience better nonverbal communication with those with whom we have the greatest intimacy simply because we have more energy links through which to transfer information.
The more we expand our energy-selves, the healthier our relationships become. Conversely, the more we suppress our emotions the less we can energy-connect with others and the more difficulty we have with basic human relationship. A tight and chronically suppressed person has contracted his or her energy fields in and away from others and becomes effectively disconnected and less able to relate.
All forms of communication seem difficult for the "energy-disabled." When we have the sense that another person "just doesn't get it," it indicates some degree of energetic contraction and disconnection we have from one another. The most sincere efforts at verbal communication quite literally go nowhere once we have severed our energy links. Even worse, we sever our innate capacities for feeling other people. We cannot experience empathy, compassion, trust, or love without the genuine oneness engendered by vital emotional-energetic connection.
Such disconnection takes an enormous toll. The worst of human behavior occurs between those who become energy-disconnected. All of our violence, wars and oppressions, racism and sexism, and various domination-driven inhumanities -- such foolishness can only be perpetrated by those who have cut themselves off from "the other." We cannot intentionally hurt another person (or animal, plant, or ecosystem) with whom we experience living oneness. To the contrary, before we actively attack or exploit another person or group we must first sever our common links. Before we lash out, we must first suppress, contract, disconnect, and separate.