Mommy Please Don't Tell Anyone I'm Adopted
I have always felt overwhelming shame and humiliation when my adoptive mother would deliberately announce to anyone that I was her adopted child.....and was I ever introduced as "her child" in my life.
And I would beg and plead with her "Mommy Please DON'T Tell Anybody" while driving in the car to anyplace or anywhere.
Trapped in my adoptive mother's car was always the precursor to the seriously dreaded, anxiety provoking and humiliating introduction where I
would be introduced as her "ADOPTED-CHILD"!!
What Mother's hurtful words mean to me still:
As mother's current charity project.
As the award winning adoptive parent.
As the woman that saves orphans.
As the saint doing GOD's work.
The woman that took in this Problem Child.
The woman that owns me like a pet monkey.
The child not worthy of the mother's sacrifice.
The child not worthy of being a mother's daughter.
The child not worthy of belonging to her family.
That her humiliating me should serve me grateful.
My being humiliated was my own personal flaw.
That I was the one with a "privacy Problem".
That my problems were not her problems.
That her public image was more important than me.
That I had no "right" to expect her to be silent.
That I had no right to privacy.
That I had no right to ask her "not to do" anything.
That my shame is always punished by humiliation.
That my difference would always be broadcast.
That I was not worthy of a human being.
What shamed me is what boosted her public image.
I was not like other normal children, I was adopted.
That I my shameful emotions were abnormal.
That I'd better get used to it and be polite.
Well I have never gotten used to it, she did not "brake my spirit" like an animal, nor did she change the way I feel about being on display for her vanity and public image. I still cringe at those horrid words from her angry voice, Telling me I am the problem. That my need for privacy is "absolutely ridiculous".
The constant use of humiliation as my designated punishment has caused me great psychological damage as an adult human being. I go to great lengths to avoid people and her to remain emotionally stable and safe in my own skin.
One sound of her voice, one laugh or threat to slap my face turns me into that helpless child that she keeps on a leash to display for my own good.