Reactive Attachment Disorder Adopted Child
The Comfort In Being Alone
Adopted children have been conditioned from their own traumatic experience of birth separation, that forces the newborn infant nine-months prematurely, to recognize themselves as a separate entity that is deprived of their biological bond that constitutes the foundation of RAD.
The sad and lifelong consequence for the adopted child is the biological and psychological manifestation from being denied their biological bond. The symptoms that adoptive parents observe with great offense, has been identified by psychologists
as Reactive Attachment Disorder.
I was one of those children, along with months of alternating foster homes to prevent bonding until my adoption where my adoptive mother was so filled with grief over her own stillborn child that she refused to attempt bonding with me. Yet I was already conditioned with RAD and cemented in place forever..
As an adult nearing 50, I have always found comfort in being alone. In adopted childhood I was always alone in my room, alone playing by myself outside, and psychologically alone in my mind as I have always been....As I am the most comfortable in the world without being forced to interact with the outside world.
I had to give birth twice to create my own vague, minute comprehension of and distant understanding of what it means to be connected to another human being which was completely foreign and at odds with my life experience.
I sought the assistance of weekly psychotherapy for many years to help me to relate to my offspring, learn how to parent my helpless young children and learn how to NOT abuse my young daughters. My relationship with my biological sister has changed my life for the better as I am seen for who I really am in her eyes. My relationship with my mother's sister is much harder to process, comprehend and is slow to evolve in her understanding of me and my understanding of her yet she is vital to my first childhood identity development at 50 years old. My mother and father have been so emotionally damaged by my adoption that they can never repair or recover from their years of torment, sorrow, shame and their own childhood abuse experiences continue to haunt them to the point that they can never be healed. But knowing their faults has healed my own suffering, pain and sorrow....But not my Reactive Attachment Disorder as it is part of my conscious and unconscious, it guides me in truth and away from playing the dysfunctional relationship games that my adoptive family still enjoys, with the scapegoat position still empty from the absent game player that doesn't want to play anymore, due to psychotherapy, psychology education and the self-worth that was earned by refusing to play the game.
I find that many online forums for adoptive parents seeking resources and other's adoptive parent experiences, live in denial of the scientifically expected problems statistically seen in adopted children. The traumatic manifestations from separating a mother from her offspring and the predictable cause and effect of RAD seem normal to me as I live RAD each day of my life.
When I am forced to attend one of my spouses six generational family functions, I spend the previous day making up excuses why I can not attend. The day of the "public" event I am anxious, sweating, talking myself out of going, and on the way to the party I begin to shake. Once at the gathering I make my way through the talking heads and get myself to an empty room or go outside to hide from the group near my car to smoke a pack of cigarettes alone. When I finally make my escape back home I need several hours to decompress from the emotional over stimulation that feels like I was forced to endure, like it was my punishment for being anti-social...But that is how I was conditioned. That fear I feel when forced to be around more than one person at a time is overwhelming to my senses and exhausts my ability to think. As being in the situation where verbal exchanges are not based in honesty, the verbal interactions are based on acquaintance type talk about the happy and pleasant now....A concept that I find repulsive and wasteful of my time as I do not have a happy or pleasant presence if I have to spend my time pretending to fit in to a family that is not my own. A concept that I am very familiar with, and have spend my life distancing myself from this type of pretentious acting the "adopted child's role" to be seen as temporarily acceptable in that moment in time.
I live RAD everyday, I am RAD and that is how they made me.
I was forced into RAD as a lifestyle and know my limits as a person. I know why I shutter when the phone rings, why I begin to shake when I am around people that want to destroy my psychological health. As my psychological awareness can never be part of the abused adopted child's place in the dysfunctional adoptive family, as they need me to be psychologically ignorant and accept my place back in their sick game called "the award winning adoptive family."