About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Adoptee's Developmental-PTSD Trauma Trigger


Adoptee's Developmental-PTSD Trauma Trigger

trauma trigger is an experience that causes someone to recall a previous traumatic trigger, although the trigger itself need not be frightening or traumatic and can be indirectly or superficially reminiscent an earlier traumatic incident. Trauma triggers are related to posttraumatic stress disorder, a condition in which people often cannot control the recurrence of emotional or physical symptoms, or of repressed memory Triggers can be subtle and difficult to anticipate, and can sometimes exacerbate PTSD. A trauma trigger may also be referred to as a trauma stimulus or a trauma stressor.


The first step in helping trauma survivors to begin the healing process involves establishing a safe environment, in particular, an environment in which the person does not feel threatened with recurrence of the original trauma, and also feels safe from encountering situations that will trigger the memory of the original trauma. Because traumatic memories are stored differently in the brain from non-traumatic memories, their recurrence is often difficult or impossible for the survivor to predict or control. Creating a living condition in which a survivor feels protected from trauma and from people or situations that will trigger traumatic memory enables the survivor to begin the healing process, in which survivors integrate their dissociated traumatic experience into acknowledged memory and are able to reconnect with their surroundings.

Trigger warnings

Trigger warnings are warnings that the ensuing content contains strong writing or images which could unsettle those with mental health difficulties. Angus Johnston, a history professor, said that trigger warnings can be a part of "sound pedagogy," noting that students encountering potentially triggering material are "coming to it as whole people with a wide range of experiences, and that the journey we're going on together may at times be painful. It's not coddling them to acknowledge that. In fact, it's just the opposite." Students at UC Santa Barbara passed a resolution in support of mandatory trigger warnings for classes that could contain potentially upsetting material. Professors would be required to alert students of such material and allow them to skip classes that could make them feel uncomfortable.
In an interview about Trigger Warnings for The Daily Telegraph Professor Metin Basoglu, a psychologist internationally recognised for his trauma research said that "The media should actually – quite the contrary… Instead of encouraging a culture of avoidance, they should be encouraging exposure. Most trauma survivors avoid situations that remind them of the experience. Avoidance means helplessness and helplessness means depression. That's not good". Richard J. McNally, a Professor of Psychology at Harvard University, while writing for Pacific Standard, discussed the merit of trigger warnings noting that "Trigger warnings are designed to help survivors avoid reminders of their trauma, thereby preventing emotional discomfort. Yet avoidance reinforces PTSD. Conversely, systematic exposure to triggers and the memories they provoke is the most effective means of overcoming the disorder" while citing several academic studies conducted on PTSD sufferers.Frank Furedi, an emeritus Professor of Sociology at the U of Kent, described trigger warnings as a form of narcissism, with the concerns not really being about the content of a book or work of art but about individual students asserting their own importance.
There have been suggestions that trigger warnings could themselves act as triggers by reminding the sufferer of his or her trigger even if the article itself is unrelated. As trigger warnings have appeared in other media, Jay Capsian Kang, best known for his sports writing at Grantland, discussed the effect trigger warnings would have on novelists and notes they are "reducing a work of literature to its ugliest plot points".




The adopted child has experienced the trauma of forced removal from their biological mother, this results in the trauma that is encoded in their pituitary sensory system forever remembering their fear, isolation and anger at birth that the adopted child could never be calmed from this experience of being forcefully taken away from their biological parent. This constitutes the traumatic event and traumatic impact on the newborn child that has been stolen away from their potential life, as life should have been.

Effected adopted children, as I was experience the ongoing threat of being sent-back to the adoption agency and never the hope of being sent back to their biological mother, father and family.

The infant begins a regimen of hypervigilance to avoid annihilation at the hands of the new strangers...the adoptive parents. The newborn is helpless to defend himself and can only observe and react to the situations that come with each new hour and day of living. The adopted child's hypervigilance is their only tool to survive the adoption ordeal by observing, trying to mimic or copy the adoptive parent's behavior and continue to survive and live within the forced adoption realities perimeters.   


Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli, and a constant scanning of the environment for threats.
In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.
Hypervigilance can be a symptom of (PTSD) and various types of anxiety disorders. It is distinguished from paranoia. Paranoid states, such as those in schizophrenia, can seem superficially similar, but are characteristically different.
Hypervigilance is differentiated from dysphoric hyperarousal in that the person remains cogent and aware of his or her surroundings. In dysphoric hyperarousal, the PTSD victim may lose contact with reality and re-experience the traumatic event verbatim. Where there have been multiple traumas, a person may become hypervigilant and suffer severe anxiety attacks intense enough to induce a delusional state where the effects of related traumas overlap. This can result in the thousand yard stare.


People suffering from hypervigilance may become preoccupied with scanning their environment for possible threats, causing them to lose connections with their family and friends. They will 'overreact' to loud and unexpected noises or become agitated in highly crowded or noisy environments. They will often have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Adopted Child's Prolonged Child Adoption Abuse Results In Developmental PTSD


Abused Adopted Child's "Developmental PTSD"

For adopted children that suffer chronic and prolonged abuse and neglect at the hands of adoptive parents....
DEVELOPMENTAL Post Traumatic Stress Disorder follows adult adoptees throughout their lives.

What society believed to be the solution (adoption) to an unwanted child's life becomes that child's detriment and compounds the adopted child's already fragile psychological well being.  

To be born, abandoned and adopted into a false adoption pretense that does not benefit the adopted child but forced to endure their childhood under hostile, intolerant conditions.

The adult adoptee has so many developmental milestones were not met, life lessons were not learned and hatching an escape plan becomes the first independent task the adopted child has ever aspired to survive the disastrous childhood.

The adoptive parents forced the illusion of adopted childhood and in their fantasy of the family's public views they forgot to parent the child.

The most disturbing aspect of adoption is the adoptive parent's parenting fantasy, finances, and the picture perfect home that professionals deem acceptable, never take into account the psychological stability of the people applying to buy a child.

Adopting parents complain that the system in place is intrusive and disrespectful, however in the real world the application process and classes are a fraction of what is really needed to weed out the psychopath parents that will go to a third world country to get a kid, if they are told "no".  

Developmental PTSD is INTENTIONAL, real and crippling of the mind of a child's potential. The suffering we feel never goes away and is with abused adoptee's forever. No amount of counselling, therapy or drugs can erase the abusive adoptive parent's impact, as it is always with us throughout the adoptee's life. The intentional breaking of a child's will can never be glued back together. 

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Born with a Broken Heart


Born With A Broken Heart

The adopted child is born, simultaneously abandoned and separated from their biological-self...mother.

The broken hearted newborn can never recover from the separation trauma of intentional adoption abandonment. 

The "adoption plan" is a nice way to re-frame the truth of abandonment to suit the baby buying demanding adoptive couple, as everything that follows adoption suits the adoptive parent's needs.

Everything the adopted child is allowed to know is sifted through the filter of the selfish adoptive mother's fears and denial.

The biggest lie is the lie that adoptive mother's tell themselves....like "god gave me this child" although I stole the child from the arms of the child's biological mother.  The adoptive mother's life is lived in denial and has serious impact on the way denial of truth shapes the adopted child in too many negative ways.

The adoptive mother is constantly pretending to love her non-biological child with chronic admissions of guilt that she tries to prove her behavior wrong with words. The chronic verbal phrase is said so often "I love you" but adoptive mother's behavior, attitude and regard toward the adopted child reflect the opposite truth of adoptive mother...."I hate you".

The adoptive mother's chronic retelling that the child is "adopted" to everyone she and the adopted child come into contact with proves to everyone that hears her speak, Is that the adoptive mother feels compelled to justify her toleration in the adopted child's relationship to others. If the adoptive mother simply introduced the child as her child, the child would feel wanted and trust the parent-child relationship.

The broken heart that is forced on the adopted child can never heal, especially with the most conscious and caring adoptive parents. The adoptive parents must realize that the adopted child's biological parents will always be with the child in the mind and heart. There is no adoption birth miracle or absence of awareness of the child's biological parents. They are can not be reduced by psychology theories to the child's biological parent fantasy, they exist in this world and belong to the adopted child forever as their biological birthright....to someday be united. Good or bad, no non-adopted person has the right to judge or render negative opinion, as negative opinions are only used to negatively influence adopted children with fear based biases and threats of abandonment if the adoptee follows their own heart and judgments to seek out their own personal truth.       

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Dying Biological Father Adoptee's Numb Reaction


Death of Biological Father #4

When I herd the news that My father is dying I went  instantly hypervigilant and numb to the events that would follow. I see everything from a third party view without feeling and intending to feel the emotions later when I have time as emotions get in the way of dealing with life. At least I acknowledge to myself that I will have emotions especially at my biological father dying, but I never seem to allow myself time to express my emotions, until there is no feelings left.

Flying to North Carolina is great, making many acquaintances along the way. The three hour taxi ride put my patience to the test as the taxi driver tried for several hours to convince me to have sex with him.
Arriving directly at the hospital the reality of the situation was revealed by the giant exposed wound,
catheters draining urine and blood out of his rotting body. My heart began to pound and my body was vibrating as in my mind I was assessing the probability of how close his death was going to happen. My exhausted mind and body now awake for 36 hours was thinking sleep might be possible so I checked into a hotel across the street, ordered a pizza and watched an HBO movie in bed. I must have smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, as smoking was the only excuse to get me away from the smell of decomposing flesh in dad's hospital room. He would look at me in desperation when I went out to smoke, as he wanted to smoke a cigarette, I said I'll get you a wheelchair and take you out..."Let's go dad", he'd say "tomorrow".

I contacted a Cherokee medicine man due to the hospital's one-size-fits-all christian religion in the south, and the medicine mans presence gave my dad spiritual peace.

Meeting with the Hospice staff, filling out Medical directives, crossing-out treatment options, DnR's, and refusing the recommended radiation therapy by doctors was a stupid suggestion as he was dying now and burning his giant lesion would only cause more  and great suffering to an actively decomposing man.

The acute care facility moved my dying father to a hospice facility where he died in twenty-four hours.

I don't believe in good-byes, so I never said good-bye. I just leave when I need to protect myself from emotional pain, so I left NC and made it home to sleep 24 hours. When I got the call that He had died I went about my day without emotions or feeling in the car I herd a reggae song about Jah and started to cry for a few minutes, and that quickly past. I don't react to emotional things like normal people. When animals or people I don't know die I ball like a baby.
But never do I react to things connected to me personally. I have no real connection to my own feelings and can rarely identify what I am feeling in a given moment. Being adopted has crippled my ability to live like normal empathetic and connected people, It is my basic survival instinct to go numb and it is unfortunately my adopted legacy.   



The Hypervigilant Adopted Child

Hyper vigilance is the adopted child and adult adoptee's birth trauma programmed survival tool.

Life without any genetic sign of familiarity impacts the infant brain with chronic fear resulting in the hypervigilant watch and observation of all details in everyday living to give the adoptee clues that may help or not to blend in. However the adoptee does not ever blend even through extraordinary attempts, the adoptee will always be doomed to a grim failure to blend in like an elephant living in a family of mice.

I am the adoptee and speaking with my first blood relative, my twenty four year old daughter reflects my hypervigilant impact on her life. With my taking in all life's stimuli or situations, refusing to feel or act until I waited too long to have a genuine emotional
reaction to what was or is happening at that moment.
The numb mother that has no visible emotions to display, no feelings to contribute or empathy in the moment of despair. While my lack of feelings and general numbness to the living is a genetic mutation of a lack of maternal bonding, It is also related to my chronic adopted child abuse and psychological neglect at the hands of my adoptive mother...Where my feelings, fears and presence is met with hostility and intolerance like the familiar phrase I herd when slapped across the face "If you cry, I'll give you something real to cry about".

I learned not to feel or react to anything, abandoning my emotions was a necessity to survive my adopted home. My adoptive mother was a reactor and reacted to everything that happened or things she made up to justify my very public punishments.

The adult in me wanted to distance myself from anything that resembled my adoptive mother's behavior and the most disturbing of her behaviors was reacting to everything with rage and striking me.

I chose to learn not to react to anything and wait until I calmed down. Sometimes I waited too long and could not feel anything when I had a safe distance from the problem to allow myself to feel.

Nothing happens when you swallow all of your emotions to avoid a reaction and my late or immediate reactions to situations do not happen.
The down side is the feelings do not ever transpire, when you swallow your feelings and put on a happy face as I learned in adopted childhood, you just go numb and the emotions that you waited to allow are long gone.

My first adult blood relative, my 24 year old child is severely impacted by my lack of feelings and emotions, she is unable to feel or allow her own emotions to flow. Her longtime mate asks her why she turns to stone in a heated discussion, he asks her why she will not talk or react honestly to him in the moment. This frustrates him and he does not understand her vigilant stance of silent fear or discontent as she just won't talk to him.

The impact is a two fold generation on adopted child abuse, it effects the adoptee's biological children and possibly the grand child of the third generation.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Dying Biological Father


Death of Biological Parent

Finding and meeting my biological father has been so valuable to my true personal identity formation at 40 years old. Knowing him, seeing the good and the bad has helped me see specific tendencies within myself that I can gladly accept or choose not to allow to infect my behavior.

Yet for the first time I can identify the personality traits, now know where these impulses come from, they are genetic and make up who I really am.
Without seeing the personality traits in my father, I would have never known that I share them with him.

Loosing your first child to a fate worse than death- child adoption, grows guilt, shame and failure in all that were coerced and forced without rights into accepting this adoption plight. Adoption death of a child wrecks your past, future and present, rendering the biological parent a shell of their potential. They spend their lives trying to forget to save themselves from the daily despair they feel and numb their lives with anything but truth. They accept this adoption horror story as a deserved punishment and continue to punish themselves throughout their existence.

My own father was no different in his life path of destruction as he lived in shame and guilt all of his days. He gave up on all trust from other human beings. He pretended to live in the fantasy world before the pregnancy-adoption, before the guilt of these occurrences took over his psyche. My father found safety in the sixteen year old boy he once was, that time of his life where he had no shame or guilt to cause him strife.

Even as he lay dying with terminal cancer, he would tell the nurses of surfing, camping on the beach and that time of being free from the guilt that consumed his soul. He ignored his path of destruction that followed him through life and kept on with the self centered personality of an adolescent child that like peter-pan never grew up. He lived in denial of the things he did in his life and created noble, heroes and honorable stories to pretend that his life made sense.
"Cognitive Dissonance" was his closest held belief to protect his psyche from the truth of his life.

As the unwanted adopted child that I am, I am so grateful to have known him and seen his true nature, called him on the lies and forced him to understand that I knew the ugly truth of his life. The selfishness and the numbing are a constant struggle that the abandoned unwanted adoptee feels so disconnected to this world.

There are three or more generations that are grossly effected by adoption, the parents, the adoptee, the adoptee's children and so on. Adoption is the plight that keeps on contributing to the downfall of the human psyche. Disconnecting families with laws and mandatory separations that take away more than identity from the adoptee, we loose more than can be listed, written or imagined. We loose ourselves, our potential and our freedom to be who we truly are.

I was fortunate to know my biological father and to bid him farewell into the afterlife. I was lucky to begin to know who I am.

The psychology of the Unwanted Child


The Psychology of the Unwanted Child

Reviewed Publisher: 
Avicenum: Prague, 1988.
Reviewed Title:

A Tenth Anniversary Review Born Unwanted: Developmental Effects of Denied Abortion
 On the tenth anniversary of this extraordinary publication about unwanted pregnancies, many people are still not familiar with the definitive scientific information it contains. Surely the most comprehensive longitudinal study ever made of the effects of being born unwanted, the findings by collaborators in three countries may be unique. Research on such an ambitious scale is unlikely to be repeated anywhere, making it all the more urgent to acquire in depth understanding the evidence. As few other works can do, this study goes beyond opinion and speculation to illuminate the formative realities of the prenatal period.

Psychologists thoroughly analyzed cohorts in Goteborg, Sweden for 25 years in Prague (now the capital of The Czech Republic) from birth to early adulthood, and in Northern Finland to the age of sixteen. Then* findings reveal the pervasive consequences of rejection starting long before birth. The children, conceived and born under this cloud, found themselves on a Trail of Sorrows.
In Goteborg, 120 unwanted children were matched with 120 controls of the same sex. Individuals unwanted at conception, unwanted during gestation, and delivered after refusal of applications for abortion were at greater risk than control subjects for psychosocial problems. The unwanted children received more psychiatric attention, were more often delinquent, and did more poorly in school.
In northern Finland (Oulu and Lapland), where 12% of almost 12,000 women said the pregnancy "should not have occurred at all," many comparisons were made over time with the children of mothers who had accepted the pregnancy. At 28 days after birth, measurements revealed that unwanted babies were smaller in weight and length, and a greater proportion of them had been born prematurely. These children had a significantly higher infant mortality rate (24 deaths per 1000 births) and had higher incidences of all types of handicaps including cerebral palsy and mental retardation. At age eight, the researchers initiated a matched-pair study to compare the wanted and unwanted babies after the first year of school, and again at age 14 and 16, the last year of compulsory education in Finland. From the start, unwanted babies had a harder time in school, needed more help from teachers, and were rated poorer in verbal performance.
Follow-up at age fourteen showed the unwanted children had more than double the number of low IQ scores (under 86) as their matched pairs. Physical growth was poorer and school performance significantly lower. Finally, at sixteen years of age, unwanted children were more often reluctant to go to school, wanted to leave at the earliest possible age, and found little purpose in continuing their education. Relationships with teachers and fellow classmates were more troubled. At home, the unwanted girls felt their fathers had been less interested in them, behaved more inconsistently, and had been less involved in their upbringing, compared to their matched pairs.
In Prague, studies used a double-blind method, matched-pair controls, periodic psychological assessments, and public records. By age nine, the children born to mothers twice refused for abortion ended up requiring more medical care for acute and long-term illnesses. Mothers rated them as more stubborn, naughty, and bad-tempered. Teachers rated them lower in academic achievement. Schoolmates rejected them as friends more often than their peers. Born to ambivalent mothers, these children were more deviant, received less empathy and attention to their communications, had less warm interchanges with each other, and suffered psychological deprivation.
At age 14, school performance was worse, many opting not to continue to secondary school. Teachers rated them more hyperactive and less sociable. They felt more rejected by their mothers than did the matched-pairs; and relationships with parents deteriorated over time.
By age 23 these unwanted children showed a greater proneness to social problems, criminal activity, and had triple the amount of serious repeated offenses requiring custodial prison sentences. When questioned about their happiness and life-style they reported far more dissatisfaction, unhappiness, problems, and worries than the control children. They mentioned having poor relationships with their parents and knew that their parents were dissatisfied with them. Unwanted children reported repeated disappointments with love relationships and agreed with the statement: "love brings more trouble than pleasure."
The unwanted children of Prague, themselves breastfed for a significantly shorter time, gave the opinion that a child should be breastfed for no longer than a month at most. Unwanted children drank more black coffee, smoked more heavily, and drank larger quantities of beer than their matched pairs born at the same hospital to parents who wanted them. More of the rejected children were in psychiatric treatment. They coped less well with even minor stress than their counterparts.
The circular effect of early trauma was illuminated as the unwanted entered marriage and parenthood. Those who had married reported their marriages less satisfying, their pregnancies less often welcome, and required more time to develop a close relationship with the developing fetus they were carrying in their wombs. When asked how long they planned to stay at home with their child, most of these mothers said until the end of paid maternity leave (2 years) while their matched-pair mothers said they expected to stay home until the child went to school.
The significance of this three-country longitudinal study and the importance of its findings for public policy everywhere earned the support of the World Health Organization, the National Institutes of Health, and the Ford Foundation. The findings form a key chapter in the unfolding drama of prenatal psychology, proving how very early rejection became a template for life.

(This book was later published by Springer in New York and by EDAMEX in Mexico City.) A summary by Henry P. David, first author, can be found in the Journal of Social Issues, 48, 163-181, 1992.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015



Adoptee's Experience of Bio-Dad Death #1

I have just landed back home in California from North Carolina after receiving the call of dad's terminal condition and imminent death. After four hours of sleep in my own bed, I received the call that my biological father is dead. It will take me several months or more to process the last few weeks to write and come to some understanding of how I feel, what I saw and how I reacted to this strange and foreign sensation. I have been having heart palpitations, shaking, rushing and numbness for days. Now it is over and I am still shaking, confused about everything I have seen and learned, now I am just trying to decompress.....writing helps me.

I've never claimed to be any expert on the psychology of adopted children and am finding no clues in the realm of psychology articles on the impact of adoptee's dealing with the death of a biological parent....there's zero info and no adoptee blogs to be found on bio-dad death/adoptee experience for help.

Going through life without knowing who or what you are, or where you belong, keeps the adopted child from developing their true identity formation that normally takes place in adolescence. The Adoptee will never will form their true identity until they have digested all information about their maternal and paternal family.

I always knew that I was not like my adoptive family,
as I hate eating meat, gambling, fighting, conflict and alcoholism (drunk adoptive parents).

When I found my bio-dad, I was instantly welcomed and loved sincerely by him. This was my desperate need to be accepted by my biological parents that clouded my perception.

You have to consider that an Adoptee's taking-in, processing and digesting information takes an enormous amount of time, years to the Adoptee's understanding and how the information applies to the individual adoptee, then it evolves and changes again and new information changes what you previously thought.

I have never let anyone too close and guard my feelings like an evil greedy man defends his wealth.
As I got older I guard my body from the closeness of others and sometimes shutter at the thought of being touched or hugged. I dread it and hate to even shake hands with new people, taking on the eastern way of bowing to avoid touching other people at all.

The experience of a loved one's death is awful but for the adoptee we are in outer space, disconnected from any normal reasoning as the death of the reconnected parent child relationship is full of conflict, distrust, confusion and anger. The reality is that no person I trust can understand the enormity of what I feel as they are not adopted.

Adopted children are a band apart forever and the best that we can do is to realize and accept this truth
as what we seek can never be quenched. We desire so desperately to be put back where we belong but this reality can never be restored in the adoptee's lifetime, as it has already been lived. This biological drive of need clouds our present until it is played out as the adoptee can only find understanding in retrospect when looking back.

Every adoptee has an inherent right to know who they are, know their real parents and have a relationship with their biological family or they will forever be lost without a connection to who they truly are.

The conditioned personality of the adoptee, the genetic traits and predispositions....we must have all of the facts to recognize in ourselves that we wish to keep and other behaviors that we desire to abandon can only be revealed by knowing our real parents and learning to know ourselves requires time and knowledge.

Non-adopted people are quick to make ignorant judgments like "you were better off", "you would have been raised with those dirty alcoholic Indians". Yet I am one of those "dirty Indians" and for the first time in my life I have pride in my Indian round face because I now know where I'm from and why my face looks like this, I have comfort in this.

The world can only see the end result of a miserable life lived, not how loosing a child to adoption impacts a parent's whole life and devastates them with guilt.