About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Western Society's Signature Oppression

ADOPTEE RAGE!

The Signature Oppression of Western Society
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American culture worships materialism, utilizing the adoption industry paradox is now the modern slavery.
The social norms of our shameful materialistic culture that enforces the publicly acceptable practices of forceful influences against young pregnant and poor women. The disreputable social policies of government structure in their forced manipulations against the young poor and pregnant women to steal their offspring to feed the adoption industry. The shameful practice of government agency personnel systematically taking advantage of the young, vulnerable mothers, which are the easiest targets for
destroying their lives by legally stealing their children.
The concept of forced legal abandonment of a mother's newborn child, not only destroys her life, and causes the life of that child to be compromised to the fullest extent.....All for the price of an infertile wealthy woman's demands for a child to satisfy her immediate desires.

The act of taking children away from their mothers is immoral, illogical and against the ways of nature and the violation against the biological/natural world.

Child adoption is an act of oppression to intentionally destroy the only belonging of a human being and to force the injured child to accept replacement parents with no intention of ever allowing that adopted child to grow up with the truth of his origins, forced adopted identity is a sad replacement for the truth of an individual's birthright, genetic ties and biological clan. The adopted child can never be whole, never be healed from the intentional forced injury of adoption.

The new emerging sciences of adoption psychology, adoption psychiatry and adoption sciences that have been suppressed for fifty years. The emerging evidence of answers for why adopted children are peculiar, as the truths are emerging with text books, college programs and doctrines of adoption sciences.

What was known but denied has come full circle about how the lab rat child always psychologically brakes under the stress of a forced unnatural setting as in child adoption.

We as human beings must realize that children are not for sale, children do not need to be saved by western saviors, bored and in need of self fulfillment.

The human child can't be severely manipulated by child adoption industry without a bad result, as adoption in the eyes of U.S. society is an immoral act that takes a child hostage to appease the infertility of the desperate.

The time for reproduction and fertility is for young people. The population of individuals that put career first, and now in their 40's realize that their lives
are unfulfilled obviously made the wrong choices. Yet where money is concerned, they buy fertility at an age where they can't keep up with the young, are a generation apart or are so self absorbed that all the possessions in the world can't satisfy their desires, especially someone else's offspring! But they demand
and they become disappointed and utilize their blame on everyone except themselves.

The older women that want to be mothers but did not act on the appropriate time in life are not flexible, set in their ways and have control issues. Adopted children begin life with forced custody that they would never agree to if cognitively aware, especially seen through the prolonged protests of newborns that are forced legally abandoned, including all of the scientific data that proves the child's suffering through the deliberate primal wounding of the child.

In the future of adoption we will see a serious shift in human rights, morality of adoption law and the person-hood rights of the child to associate with his biological family. Name changes and erasing biological identity of adopted children will be outlawed, as this is in the best interests of the child psychologically.

The history of child adoption will be looked at as the medieval, psychologically torturous and adoption will be remembered as immoral cruelty to children and their mothers. As the adoption industry, child trafficking and child cruelty keeps mirroring each other in society.




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Aswad African Children

Black Uhuru - Plastic Smile [12'' Version]

Black Uhuru - Live At Reggae Sunsplash,1980 (03 - Abortion)

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Adoptive Father Resents Adult Adoptee's Relationship with Biological Family

ADOPTEE RAGE!

Category: Reunion

Adoptive Father Resents The Adult Adoptee's Relationship With Biological Father
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The story below is a common theme of adoptive parent's ownership stand, especially as adoptees are adults and no longer under age adopted children. The adoptive parent's furious anger, jealousy, forcing their demands of compliance upon our adopted child flaws of lack of self esteem, timidness and confusion.
Forcing their ways, wants, and demands as if we are still small dependent children that are threatened with punishment if we don't do exactly what they say! Never once do the adoptive parents see us adoptees as individuals capable of making adult, personal decisions that affect our lives. Never do they consider what we are feeling, thinking or hoping for.
Adoptive parents are forcing the adopted child & adult adoptee to choose "My way or the highway" of which all of us adoptee's are stubborn & sick and tired of people telling us how to live, who we can love and are sick to death of all of the ultimatums that are forced on us! The dangling carrots, the implied but never stated words of condemnation of our fate if we were to act as if we value ourselves first. The threatening tones and fear that they provoke in us, when they act as if we owe them something for being saved by them. Well we adoptees never asked to be saved, we never asked to be adopted, and if we had a choice, adoptee's would choose NOT to be adopted.
Not to loose our biological families, our biological culture and our genetic ancestry. No body ever expects biologically raised children to be grateful for being born, nor are they indebted to their adoptive parents for being raised by their parents. A child owes his parents nothing for being born and raised, neither is the adopted child indebted to the adoptive parent for being adopted, that is the psychological blackmail that is used to manipulate a child against his nature. Raising children is our privilege biological or adopted, they are temporarily in our care to receive the tools needed to be independent from their parents....That is a healthy parent relationship.
Adoption reunions have nothing to do with the adoptive parents. Child adoption reunion is a solo affair for the adoptee to reunite with their own biological family, the adoptive parents should learn and practice their own boundaries. Once we are adults, all adoptee decisions are for the adoptee to make alone without adoptive family input, as it is none of the adoptive parent's business, and should never be a consideration as this is what unconditional love is all about. Loving someone regardless of circumstances, changes, new and old relationships belong to the adoptee as an individual......

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Link: www.ldsmag.com/article-1-13401/

We adopted our daughter through LDS Family Services when she was a newborn. Her birth mother was a member of the Church and her birth father wasn’t. Eighteen years later, we (my daughter, my wife and I) met her birth mother and everything went very well. Her birth mother turned her life completely around and is doing great. We then met her birth father. To make a long story short, my daughter has gone to live with her birth father’s family. She has walked away from us as her parents, walked away from Church, and walked away from college scholarships to live with them. She considers them her Mom and Dad and their family as her family. My wife and I are now the secondary mom and dad. Her birth father and family have also told her that he was wronged by the birth mother allowing her to be adopted and not allowing him to raise her. He says he wanted to raise her all these years. He feels cheated out of his daughter. They have done everything they can to pull her away from the gospel and Church. She has bought into the whole story and now is angry with her birth mother and our relationship with her is very strained at best. It’s very hard to listen to her go on and on about how the birth father’s family is so perfect, the birth mother was so wrong, and all the things that her new family do together and how wonderful they are. She has taken their side in everything imaginable and feels totally at home with them. This has hurt both my wife and I, but it has especially hurt me. I feel much like this is a parent’s version of “my wife dumped me for another man”, only it’s “my daughter dumped me for another dad.” I feel hurt and betrayed. I especially feel betrayed by the birth father and his family’s total disregard for family boundaries. He’s gone so far as to tell me in an email that it was his turn to be her father now, and he is going to do it, and no one is going to stop him. How do my wife and I handle this? 
Answer:
What a shocking and devastating turn of events for your family. Your relationship and influence had suddenly been questioned, misunderstood, and mocked not only by strangers, but your own daughter. I’m sure this is an outcome you didn’t anticipate, so the shock and deep sadness of losing your daughter must make for some difficult days.
What’s most tragic about this whole thing is that three innocent people (your daughter, you, and your wife) have been caught in the crossfire of two adults who clearly have twenty year-old unfinished business. The truth about the development of events surrounding her unexpected pregnancy, dealings with the birth father, and subsequent decision to place will never be something everyone agrees on.
While you had legal protection to raise this little girl in peace for the past eighteen years, she is now on her own to pursue relationships and form whatever narrative about her life story she chooses. Not only does this happen with adopted children, but also with all children who reach adulthood and decide how they will remember and interpret their childhoods.
Your feelings of betrayal are understandable, as you’ve only done what any loving parent would do in providing a stable and values-based upbringing for your daughter, only to have all of that rejected and dismissed as unimportant. You have some important decisions to make that can determine whether you stay bitter and resentful or heal from the deep wounds inflicted by all of these wounded people.
Elder David Sorensen shared the following counsel from Brigham Young:
President Brigham Young once compared being offended to a poisonous snakebite. He said that “there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system.” He said, “If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.
It’s important that you preserve your emotional, spiritual, and relational foundation so you can be around when and if your daughter wants to continue her relationship with your family. Cling tightly to your wife and other family members to get the support and understanding you all need during this time. Take advantage of any long-term counseling services offered by the adoption program through LDS Family Services and continue to seek priesthood blessings for strength and comfort. This is a significant loss that needs to ongoing support.
Even if the birth father was prevented from raising his daughter, this man and his family currently desire a relationship with her. Some adopted children feel a strong biological bond to their birth parents and feel a sense of relief and completeness when they’re able to reconnect. My sense is that you share this understanding, as you and your wife helped facilitate reunions with her individual birth parents.
As difficult as it might be, I encourage you to see this through your daughter’s eyes. She’s in a developmental stage of forming her identity and connecting to her biological family members is important to her identity. You gave her a solid start in a home where she was safe to build an identity and strong sense of self.
The excitement of this newly discovered relationship will have a honeymoon period, as do all new relationships, and she’ll eventually settle into reality about how she’ll relate to all of these new family connections. I’m sure all of the attention she’s having showered on her by her birth father’s family is a form of celebrity, though unanticipated, creates a strong draw away from the ordinary family relationships she’s been accustomed to.
Look for opportunities to build connections to her birth family. Your willingness to help her expand her family connections was an unselfish gift of love to her. Although it flared up in a way you didn’t expect, continue to offer the hand of family connection and fellowship to this family. Hopefully they will come around and recognize that you’re not a threat to them or her. Hopefully they can eventually see what a blessing you’ve been in her life.
Your relationship with her will more than likely continue, although on a different trajectory than you had planned.

Hopefully enough time will pass so everyone can see the foundation she was given in your home. It’s hard to know where this will go. Keep facing her by reaching out in appropriate ways to her and her birth family. Your consistency and stability will make it easier for her to find you when she’s ready to reconnect with you.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at geoff@lovingmarriage.com
The author would like to thank Jeff Ford, MS, LMFT for his helpful feedback on this column
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). 

Being Abandoned and Adopted Once, Is Too Much...

ADOPTEE RAGE!

Being Abandoned and Adopted Once, Is Too Much
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They say it was for our own good, but the current abuses in the system prove that the people acting on our best interest, had their own financial best interest in mind. The baby scoop era proved to be a scandalous, cruel and forced situation that innocent and vulnerable pregnant mothers were taken advantage of to the fullest extent. We adoptee's can't trust anything that we are told by the players in the baby trafficking, especially the buyers...the adoptive parents....That will take any illegal, immoral and self incriminating evidence to their graves, as they got just what they wanted, someone else's baby to pretend they belonged to.

Adoptive parent's today refuse to hear any adoptee voices, refuse to have any empathy for the mother of whom they stole away her baby, or empathy for that baby, now an adult that will no longer listen to their fantasy story about adoption, being the special of the day or our own dignity of which they refuse to allow.

People wonder why adoption has ruined us, deceived us and made us bitter about being stolen for the social recognition of being saved by our adoptive parents of which we never needed saving. Being born an illegitimate bastard, although legally adopted, I am still an illegitimate bastard to myself. Even knowing I have a biological father that had no choice and a stubborn biological mother that worried about public appearances and her reputation. In fact the social public that my mother bowed down to still labeled her a slut for getting pregnant, then they labeled her heartless for giving away her newborn child. What about the child whose life hangs between the right and wrong decisions of others.

Being adopted is worse that being labeled mentally ill, as parents don't abandon their child because of illness. Being abandoned and being adopted is the worst thing possible that can be forced upon a child.
Now we become human cargo for sale to the highest bidder. We don't matter and we are only props to occupy the time of the adoptive parents boredom.

Being adopted means that my mother was forced to legally abandoned me, and I will always bear that abandoned child's shame, humiliation and stigma.
The adoptive parents that adopted me did me no favors, as they verbally, emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually abused me throughout my childhood, because I did not belong to them, because I was not their blood relative and because I was so incredibly different from the adoptive family that I could easily be singled out for a slap in the face, a shaking and a punishment for looking guilty by not trying hard enough to fit in the adoptive family. But as you can see adoptees spend all of their energy trying to fit in, hyper vigilance, watching and not participating so that any information might not slip past the watching child that desperately tries to assimilate every day into their adoptive family but will always ultimately fail in their attempts.

The psychological experts say that adoptees fear being re-adopted, and their right. The last thing on earth that any adoptee wants is to be adopted again. We prefer being the outsider to the forced to comply adopted child puppet acting out the adopted child's role everyday. I refuse to be re-adopted especially if this means spending my life in solitude, I prefer it to the forced acceptance. I was forced to accept the adoption situation but the adoptive family was not forced to accept me, just to tolerate me and not love me or try to understand me. These are not what adopting parent's sign on for. They want the blank slate child to be molded to their own image, but adopted children come with their parent's genetic make-up and eventually become their parents and not their adoptive parents.

Child adoption is a temporary custody placement for most adoptees. A step above or below foster home care. Some foster homes and adoptive parents abuse children and some do not. There are only the guarantees that an adopted child will be challenged psychologically and fit the prototype of the clinical adoptee in therapy.

We do not want to be adopted by anyone, there is no magic in child adoption, only the harsh reality that being an abandoned child brings for the rest of your life. Sometimes foster parenting is more beneficial as the unrealistic expectations of being adopted prove that the adopted child will eventually fail the hopes and dreams of fantasy based adoptive parents, and in foster care we know better...not to ever get too close.     

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The Emotionally Blackmailed Adopted Child

ADOPTEE RAGE!


The Emotional Blackmailed Adopted Child
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Emotional Blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, PhD, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior of another person, and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.
 Emotional blackmail typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (mother and daughter, husband and wife, sister and sister, two close friends).  Children, too, will employ special pleading and emotional blackmail to promote their own interests, and self-development, within the family system.
Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that others feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if they resist. Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or confirmation of identity and self esteem, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, making the person feel they must earn them by agreement.
 Fear, obligation or guilt is commonly referred to as "FOG". FOG is a contrived acronym—a play on the word fog which describes something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's thought processes.
The person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to others needs in doing so that is troubling - and how others react to all of this.
Under pressure... one may become a sort of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the other's breakdown and could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as "a sort of psychological fog". (Adoption Fog)

Types

Forward and Frazier identify four blackmail types each with their own mental manipulation style:
TypeExample
Punisher's threatEat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt you.
Self-punisher's threatEat the food I cooked for you or I'll hurt myself.
Sufferer's threatEat the food I cooked for you. I was saving it for myself. I wonder what will happen now.
Tantalizer's threatEat the food I cooked for you and you just may get a really yummy dessert.
There are different levels of demands... demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or personal integrity, demands that affect major life decisions, and/or demands that are dangerous or illegal.

Patterns and characteristics

Addictions

Addicts often believe that being in control is how to achieve success and happiness in life. People who follow this rule use it as a survival skill, having usually learned it in childhood. As long as they make the rules, no one can back them into a corner with their feelings.

Mental Illness

People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
People with borderline personality disorder are particularly likely to use emotional blackmail, (as too are the destructive narcissists). However, their actions may be impulsive and driven by fear and a desperate sense of hopelessness, rather than being the product of any conscious plan.

Codependency

Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

Affluenza and children

Affluenza — the status insecurity derived from obsessively keeping up with the Joneses — has been linked by Oliver James to a pattern of childhood training whereby sufferers were "subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers. Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved parental goals.

Assertiveness movement, training

Assertiveness training encourages people to not to engage in fruitless back-and-forths or power struggles with the emotional blackmailer but instead to repeat a neutral statement, such as "I can see how you feel that way," or "No thank you, I'm not hungry." They are taught to keep their statements within certain boundaries in order not to capitulate to coercive nagging, emotional blackmail, or bullying.
Recovery
Techniques for resisting emotional blackmail, including strengthening personal boundarys, resisting demands, developing a power statement – the determination to stand the pressure — and buying time to break old patterns: she accepted nonetheless that re-connecting with the autonomous parts of the self the blackmailer had over-ruled was not necessarily easy. One may for instance feel guilty even while recognizing the guilt as induced and irrational;  but still be able to resist overcompensating, and ignore the blackmailer's attempt to gain attention by way of a tantrum.
Consistently ignoring the manipulation in a friendly way may however lead to its intensification, and threats of separation, or to accusations of being crazy or a home wrecker.

Cultural examples

  • Angela Carter described Beauty and the Beast as glorifying emotional blackmail on the part of the Beast, as a means of controlling his target, Beauty.
  • Doris Lessing claimed that “I became an expert in emotional blackmail by the time I was five.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Child Adoption Is the Intentional Psychological Burden To Adoptees

ADOPTEE RAGE!


Adopted Child & Adult Adoptee Research

Child Adoption The Intentional Psychological Burden
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Research and Studies on Adoptees

The results are in; the great human experiment failed! The effects are hardly noticeable with some, but extremely so with others. Moreover, for those whom the system was supposedly designed to benefit, the children, were failed the most. Many adoptees do not realize that their difficulties, at least in part, stem from simply having been adopted. All adoptees have effects from their adoption experience. The degree of the effects and symptomatic behaviors vary a great deal.
There are vulnerabilities shared by all adoptees. In those most vulnerable, a distinct pattern of behaviors can be seen. Some have labeled this the "Adopted Child Syndrome." (Kirschner)Adopted 'children' are disproportionately represented with learning disabilities and organic brain syndrome. (Schecter and Genetic Behaviors)
Mental health professionals are surprised at the alarmingly high number of their patients who are adopted. Studies show an average of 25 to 35% of the young people in residential treatment centers are adoptees. This is 17 times the norm. (Lifton, BIRCO--Pannor and Lawrence)
Adoptees are more likely to have difficulties with drug and alcohol abuse, as well as, eating disorders, attention deficit disorder, infertility, suicide and untimely pregnancies. (Young, Bohman, Mitchell, Ostroff, Ansfield, Lifton and Schecter)
Adoptees are more likely to choose alternate lifestyles. (Ansfield and Lifton)
Alarmingly high numbers of adoptees are sent to disciplinary/correctional schools or are locked out of their homes [adoptive]. (Anderson and Carlson)
60 to 85% of the teens at Coldwater Canyon's Center For Personal Development, are adopted. That is 30 to 40 times the norm. The center is a private acute-care psychiatric hospital/school in Southern California. (Ostroff)
50 to 70% of the teens at The Haven in New Trier Township, Illinois, are adopted. That is 25 to 35 times the norm. The Haven is a resource center for street kids. (Henderson)
The secrecy in an adoptive family, and the denial that the adoptive family is different builds dysfunction into it. "... while social workers and insecure adoptive parents have structured a family relationship that is based on dishonesty, evasions and exploitation. To believe that good relationships will develop on such a foundation is psychologically unsound" (Lawrence). As John Bradshaw, the well-renowned therapist, says, "A family is only as sick as its secrets."
Secrecy erects barriers to forming a healthy identity. Sealed records implicitly asks for an extreme form of denial. There is no school of psychotherapy which regards denial as a positive strategy in forming a sense of self and dealing with day-to-day realities. (Howard)
Adoption is a psychological burden to the adoptee. The effect of this burden is known, but the origin is confused. Secrecy plays a part in it, but Nancy Newton Verrier, Ph.D., sources the difficulties to the separation of the newborn from the mother. The Primal Wound is the most recent and revealing work done on the effects of adoption on the adopted. In the author's own words, "I believe that the connection established during the nine months in utero is a profound connection, and it is my hypothesis that the severing of that connection in the original separation of the adopted child from the birth mother causes a primal or narcissistic wound, which affects the adoptee's sense of Self and often manifests in a sense of loss, basic mistrust, anxiety and depression, emotional and/or behavioral problems, and difficulties in relationships with significant others (21)." Verrier has been criticized for her work, but her response says it all, "The only people who can really judge this work, however, are those about whom it is written: the adoptees themselves. Only they, as they note their responses to what is written here, will really know in their deepest selves the validity of this work, the existence or nonexistence of the primal wound" (xvii).
Secrecy, denial, and the primal wound have all played a role in the effect adoption has on the adoptee, but there is still more. Having spent nearly eight years studying and working as a volunteer with over 1000 people affected by an adoption (nearly all adoptees and birthmothers); I have seen the effects of adoption.
Humans have a basic need to feel they are individually whole, yet part of a whole. For the adopted this can be difficult. Often adoptees feel they do not belong (Kirschner). It is very lonely and isolating to feel different from those you should feel the closest to, your family. Edin Lipinski, M.D., brings insight to these feelings:
In an existential sense, the past is as important to adopted people as their future. It is the present that is most troublesome. Not knowing where they fit into the spectrum of happenings is a great problem for them.
Adoptee SectionBirthmothers SectionReferences Section


Appendix B

Research and Studies on Birthmothers

Research tells us that the birthmothers I worked with were not exceptions. In 1982, Edward Rynearson, Ph.D. described the experience of twenty of his adult patients who, as teenagers, surrendered their first child to adoption. "Nineteen of them established an intense private monologue with the fetus (during pregnancy), including a rescue fantasy in which they and the newborn infant could somehow be "saved" from the relinquishment" (Chesler).
The pressure upon these mothers was one they could not stop. Sixty-nine percent of 334 birthmothers surveyed felt they were pressured into surrendering (Deykin). Another study reports forty-four percent of 350 birthmothers surveyed surrendered against their will. The study revealed the reasons for surrender centered around being single, poverty, young age, and parental pressure (VanKeppel). Some birthmothers told me they were shipped off to a home for unwed mothers, and told not to come home until they rid of the problem. For them there was no choice; they had no where to go.
The adoption experience for most birthmothers leaves a large emotional scar. According to the authors of "The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of Sealed Records on Adoptees, Birthparents and Adoptive Parents," most birthmothers expressed feelings of loss, pain and mourning that remained undimmed with time (Sorosky). A University of California, at Los Angeles, psychiatrist and author, Arthur Sorosky, M.D., likened the emotional scarring from surrendering a child to a psychological amputation (Sorosky).
The pain of the experience was hard to bear. As time went by the pain did not diminish, it increased. Robin Winkler, Ph.D. of the Institute for Family Studies, Melbourne, Victoria, reports that ninety percent of birthmothers surveyed felt deeply harmed by the adoption and the pain increased with time (BIRCO-Winkler). Drs. Harriet Ganson and Judith Cook found, "Birthmothers expressed deep anguish over adoption" (BIRCO-Ganson). Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., who has studied birthmothers for twenty years, on behalf of Mary Beth Whitehead testified that ninety-five percent of the women she has studied found their loss shattering and worse than they imagined (Chesler).
The effect of the pain felt by birthmothers manifests itself in many ways. Sorosky tells us that most birthmothers do not enter psychotherapy because they surrendered a child; they push that experience to the subconscious. However, it often surfaces as the key to their inability to cope (Sorosky). Birthmothers seek therapy for numerous reasons:
Kaiser-Permanente Health Care conducted a study in 1979 of birthmothers who surrendered babies. Forty percent reported depression as the most common emotional disorder. Sixty percent reported medical, sexual and psychiatric problems. (BIRCO-Kaiser)In another study 20 of 22 birthmothers sought psychotherapy for problems including depression alienation, physical complaints with no biological basis, sexual difficulties and difficulty making commitments (Millen).
Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., interviewed fifty birthmothers and found many were not aware until years later they were grieving. "They all reported a sense of malaise. Still other birthmothers become weepy, restless, anxious and forgetful" (Silverman).
Birthmothers were not prepared for the aftermath of the surrender. They were told by the adoption professionals involved that it would be over soon; they would forget the experience; go on with their life and have more children. It worked that way for very few, if any. In the thousands of reunions I am aware of, there is only one birthmother who does not remember the experience. That one was in an accident, resulting in full amnesia of all personal history before the accident.
In time birthmothers do go on with the day-to-day tasks, but it proved impossible for most to pick-up where they left off before becoming pregnant. In Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D., describes what birthmothers were told. "The social worker said it would hurt for a while, and then they would forget, as if they had experienced nothing more serious than a nine-month stomach ache. They found they could not go back to the life they had left behind because they had become different people in the process of becoming mothers" (Lifton). Carole J. Anderson, M.S.W., J.D., in her booklet, Eternal Abuse of Women: Adoption Abuse, explains this in another way. "Adoption is not the end of a painful chapter, but the beginning of a lifetime of wondering, worrying, and missing the child. It is a wound that time cannot heal...it is a limbo loss" (Anderson). A limbo loss is what the families of MIA (missing in action) soldiers experience. There is no finality; not to know whether the loved one is alive or dead. Always waiting and hoping he or she will be found.
True some birthmothers did marry, and have other children. However, according to research, far too many did not have another child, 20 to 30% by choice (Anderson, Deykin), and others suffered a secondary infertility rate 170% higher than the general population (Deykin).
Ninety-six percent of birthmothers want a reunion (Ganson, Deykin).
Adoptee SectionBirthmothers SectionReferences Section


References:
Anderson, C., M.S.W., J.D.. Eternal abuse of women: adoption abuse. Concerned United Birthparents: Des Moines.
Anderson, C., M.S.W., J.D.. CUB Communicator: Des Moines.
Ansfield, J., M.D.. The adopted child.
Bohman, M and Van Korring, A.. (1979) "Psychiatric illness among adults adopted as infants". Acta Psychiati Scand.
Carlson, J.. (1988) "Adoption and criminal behavior". Workshop American Adoption Congress, Calgary, Alberta.
Chesler, P.. (1988) Sacred bond: the legacy of Baby M. Times: New York.
Deykin, E., Ph.D.. (1982) "The post adoption experience of surrendering parents". American Journal of Orthopsychiatry.
Henig, R.. (September 11, 1988) "Body and mind". The New York Times Magazine.
Isaac, R. and Spencer, J.. (1965) Adopting a child today. New York: Harper & Row.
Kirk, H., Ph.D.. (1985) Adoptive kinship: a modern institution in need of reform. 2nd Ed. Ben-Simon: Port Angeles.
Kirschner, D., Ph.D.. (1988) "The adopted child syndrome." Lecutre. American Adoption Congress, Boston.
Lifton, B.J., Ph.D.. (1988) Lost and found: the adoption experience. 2nd Ed. New York City.
Lawrence, M., Ph.D. (1979) "Dishonesty as the best policy". Lecuture. American Adoption Congress.
Mitchell, J., M.D.. (1985) "Anorexia nervose and bulimia". U of Minnesota P.
Ostroff, R., (November 20, 1986) "A look inside America's hidden system of teen control". Rolling Stone.
Schecter, M., Ph.D., (1981) Lecture. American Adoption Congress.
Silverman, P., Ph.D.. (1981) Helping women cope with grief. Sage.
Sorosky, A.D., M.D., Baron, A., M.S.W, Panor, R., M.S.W. (1990) The adoption triangle. 2nd Ed. Anchor/Double Day: Garden City.
Sorosky, A., M.D.. (December 11, 1988) "Mothers who give up their children". Parade. Los Angeles.
VanKeppel, M.. (March/April 1988) People Searching News.
Verrier, N., Ph.D. (1993) The primal wound. Baltimore: Gateway.
Young, J.. "Steve Jobs: the journey is the reward".
Compilation. Adoption Reform Education Packet. Ed. Swanson, JoAnne. BIRCO: Gladstone, 1990. Interview and written response contributions from the following persons:
Ganson, H., Ph.D. & Cook, J., Ph.D.. (1986) "The open records controversy: a woman's issue".
Henderson, Paul. Director The Haven, New Trier Township.
Howard, M., Ph.D.. "The adoptee's dilema: obstacles in identity formation".
Kaiser-Permanente Health Care. (1979)
Lawrence, Margaret MacDonald. Psychologist and Educator.
Lipinski, M.D., Edin. President Canadian Psychiatric Association, Director Medical Services, Simon Fraser University.
Millen, L., Ph.D. & Roll, S.Ph.D.. (1985) "Solomon's mothers: a study in pathological bereavement".
Pannor, M.S.W., Reuben. Director Community Services, Vista Del Mar Child Care Services, Los Angeles.
Partridge, M.S.W., Penny. Adoption Forum
Winkler, Robin, Ph.D.. (1984) "Relinquishing mothers in adoption: their long term adjustment".


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Next Steps Beyond Adoption Reunion

ADOPTEE RAGE!

The Next Steps Beyond Adoption Reunion
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As an adoptee 5 years post reunion, the peace that I was seeking is farther away than ever. I now know that I am on an existential journey to find meaning in my life. As being someone's bought and paid for adopted child has given me nothing to grow spiritually as a person. Especially true for the adoptive family's forced religion of fear and damnation, the platform of their belief states that I am the heathen that needs to be intentionally broken in spirit, in self determination and yet the religion marks me from being whole as I am born from SIN, in my illegitimate nature, saved by the adoptive saviors, and to live by worshiping the adoptive parent saviors and not to worship their god as I am below the christian status of being clean and worthy of grace.

For the first time in my life, I can look at my round race in the mirror and be proud of my Native American Cherokee Heritage. My Indian appearance makes me proud for the first time in my life, my straight hair, my round cheeks, my empathy, my honor, my suffering and my reverence for the earth and all of the animals of which I have always refused to eat bear the ancestry that lives within me.

As I look back on my life I can see no benefit for myself, only the suffering of a child that is forbidden to know who she is. It was not until I found my Cherokee ancestors that I began to understand who I am. Yet I always did know who I was NOT. The adopted child that played the role of unwanted daughter, the adopted child who repulsed my adoptive mother and father, for I never belonged to them in my heart and they never belonged to me in their heart. I was a breed apart and made no sense to them, although they never attempted to try to understand me, and I would spend my childhood trying to understand and pretend to be like them although It was against my genetic principles and still is. To believe that appearances are more important that connections, to want money over friendship and to act as though we are superior to others, when we are not. The arrogance, hatred and bigotry of the white adopters was a difficult place to pretend to be one of them. To talk to others and later to speak cruelty and hatred against them is an assault to humanity, a greed and a dishonorable way to destroy friends and adoptive family members that are seen as inferior to the superior, that are no longer of use.

The white family that raised me taught me to be cruel, to hate and to look away at the misfortune and suffering that plagues our world. To believe that money can buy a person's happiness is a deception clearly worthy of evil people with an evil soul.

I often wonder why I was subjected to my childhood torment at the hands of my cruel adoptive parents..... Am I paying for my own Karmic debts?

Was I possibly the reincarnation of an adoption facilitator that bought and sold the suffering of children for financial profits?

As My life is nearing the end I ponder these questions and wonder if I am truly doing good or perpetuating the evil that my fellow adoptees suffer.
The disservice or boosting the knowledge of truth by writing my own miserable truths so that the voiceless adopted children can be herd.

Will there ever come a time for adopted children to be set free from the psychological bondage of the child adoption industry?

Will the time come for lawmakers in congress to do the right thing and not what is politically correct to perpetuate the selling and trafficking of the child adoption industry that feeds off of the suffering of others?

The adoption industry causes great psychological damage, grief and pain in children and their birth parents, all to profit by selling a human child to someone with the financial privilege of wealth.
Although the adoption industry is a dirty business of stealing, lying and forbidden legal secrecy, it is immoral and inhumane to those who bear the silence for the demand and the desires of the wealthy others.

Will adoptee's ever escape the stigma of being adopted. Will adoptee's ever be able to know their own names or know who their parents are? Will the U.S. society ever rise above the materialism driven demands of the empty people?

Sunday, June 7, 2015

The Adoptee's Silence of Fear, Guilt and Omission

ADOPTEE RAGE!

The Adoptee's Silence of Guilt, Fear and Omission
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I have discovered something quite astounding about my silence, my "OMISSION" and in keeping my own biological child's biological father secret, I am also the biggest hypocrite as I write about these specific lies and condemn the adoptive parents who do the same.

When a person has experienced a prolonged phase or long time of continued psychological, verbal, physical and sexual abuse, and then we escape it. We never again discuss it, talk about it and when the thoughts and dreams expose this truth we try to ignore it and hold this unpleasant time in our past, swallowed deep down inside us. We are preserving that time forever as it happened yesterday. Without trying to work through this time. The time period and all daily memories from that time become preserved forever as it is encapsulated in time as though it happened last night. By trying to ignore the past we are essentially preserving it word for word, blow for blow and bruise for broken bones. The entire time is psychologically preserved in time for precise and exact details to recall for future reference. When we omit the past from our lives, that which is omitted can never be resolved, can never become part of our autobiographical memory as the bad memories stay suspended in time as trauma memory. Until we begin to think about this horrible time, begin to talk about what happened and how it happened, until we psychologically begin to deal with the huge missing space in the timeline of our lives, we can never get over it, get on with life. As we are suspended in time from an unpleasant experience of living. The time in our lives which we would rather forget where we took part in a dangerous lifestyle teetering on suicide, will always be within our present until we begin to unravel the extended time of our bad behavior and accept how we lived, what we did and who we hurt in the process of survival.    

I have omitted this period of my life for twenty years.
I have never spoken about it to anyone, keeping this secret pain, violence and my most self destructive phase in my life. I committed to silence to endure or to ignore it and to suffer through my regrets all by myself within my miserable existence. I am guilty of being selfish enough to jump onto any damaged soul passing by to save me from my own misery. My jump into this episode of self-destruction was to escape my own miserable relationship with my adoptive parent no matter what the consequences would bring. Although the consequences of this particular jump were monumental and the one redeeming event, the one good thing that came out of my jump to self destruction would eventually save my life, as I got pregnant and decided to devote my life to being my child's mother.


When an Adoptee has endured prolonged childhood abuse we know no other familiarity, and as we try and try escape it, only to find the replacement that is more sadistic, more abusive and more violent than we could ever hope for. We find calm in the familiarity of the drama. I found such a relationship that proved to be worthy of my own self-mutilation, self hatred and self destruction. The violent fights, the love marks in the form of black eyes, broken bones and the favorite late night drunk fights, where my parents would come home at two am and tear each other and the house apart. I was my ultimate sadistic fantasy reality for wanting to end my life in a violent way as violence is and was my only friend.
As I participated in a daily routine of self destruction with the assistance of a new even crazier than I partner that is equally self destructive or more than I could imagine. We engaged in the perpetuation of violence, abuse, drunkenness and the self destruction that left a path of broken things, owing money and playing the drinking games of college students without the education.
Living on the extreme edge of possibly going to jail every night of the week. The drinking was exhausting
and then my partner started using meth. That was the one line I could not cross and the beginning of the end of my drinking days and my boyfriend turned meth addict began beating on me, deceiving, stealing and every imaginable repulsive deed to destroy me.
I became pregnant and stopped drinking, to his dismay I would not get an abortion as I found out I was pregnant at six months along. The drug use in my home escalated to the point I had to get rid of him out of fear, self-preservation and the future of my child depended on it. I resolved myself to a life of routine, stability and calm. I needed to be strong for my unborn child and I needed peace and an escape to a new reality. Lucky for me at the time my midwife's husband was going through a cocaine addiction so she understood the dangerous position that I was living in. She helped me, counselled me and gave me hope that I could make a normal life  for my child. You see it was my pregnancy that saved my life, changed my life and taught me to do this all for someone other than myself. I learned that I could be worthy of being a mother if I dedicated my life and fallowed through with what was more important than my selfish quest to end my own life.   

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Is there ever a good time in the life of an Adoptee?

ADOPTEE RAGE!

Is there ever a good time in the life of an Adoptee?
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People ask "have I come at a bad time?" Is this a good time to talk? From looking through the scattered mess of papers, notes, note cards and photographs that make up the mess known as the evidence for my existence I did exist. Now I am only the shadow of the of tormented individual that was once alive and living. My life is a series of failed relationships, burned bridges and the emotional baggage left over from each failed attempt to humanly connect.
There comes a time in the lives of the broken where we wish to no longer go on leaving destruction in the wake of our life's path.  Those who we have known would probably lie and say they did not know us, as our lasting impressions are not so favorable. Yet we blindly went on in our search for connections that were completely in vein, the drive to feel wanted is so bitter sweet and can only last as long as our true nature is concealed from the lover. When you come from nothing good, nothing good can come from your energy. The adopted child comes into the world marked as the ultimate burden of a mother's shame.
The shame is taken away from her by abandoning her bastard child to the adoption idealation. Where the mother is cleansed  from her shame and can leave all thoughts of the bastard child's shame behind her. I am one of those so called shamed children that caused such emotional humiliation to my biological family. Once they were rid of me, they could stand tall with their heads held high and pretend my pathetic shamming existence did not occur, as the mark had been lifted from the family's honor. Yet the unfortunate child will always be drawn back to where they came from, their biological connection to humanity is kept from them until they are too old to claim their truths. The returning bastard child armed with or without their childhood innocence, they will claim their right to know who they are and where they come from, and with their return they bring the flood of shame and humiliation that the adopted child has always carried with them   through their lives. They will bring such pain, and suffering with them that they did not even know they were capable of. They bring grief with them, they bring violence, we bring hatred and indifference carried within our souls. Because we adoptee's are the epitome of shame we wear it proudly, unknowing of the unpleasantness that our shame provokes in others. We are the unwanted, the forced to exist, without any knowledge of the freedoms that other's take for granted. We lack confidence, we insight terror and we are capable of desperate behaviors that can be used to destroy others. We are humble, we are invisible we are silence. 

ADOPTEE Seeking How to Forgive My Abuser

ADOPTEE RAGE!

Forgiving Our Abuser.......Adoptee Seeking How
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LINK:https://www.facim.org/online-learning-aids/lighthouse-articles/2006/forgiving-the-abuser-our-only-hope.aspx

FORGIVING THE ABUSER: OUR ONLY HOPE

A number of years ago I was asked by Dr. Lois Einhorn, Professor of Communication at the State University of New York, Binghamton, to contribute to her book: Forgiveness and Child Abuse: Would YOU Forgive? In form, the book is patterned after Simon Wiesenthal's The Sunflower, which presents the famed concentration-camp survivor and Nazi-hunter's experiences of being unable to forgive a young German soldier. The core of the book, however, consists of responses from various world figures as to how they would have responded if they were in that situation. Lois' book deals with her own child abuse, which by far exceeds in cruelty and viciousness any other account I have read or heard. The book has just been published and I am reprinting my response, which is one of fifty-three. Those interested in purchasing Forgiveness and Child Abuse: Would YOU Forgive? can do so by going to Lois' Web site: loiseinhorn.com.
For this newsletter, I have included an Afterword that presents some additional observations on this extremely important subject.

Forgiving the Abuser
Living in this world it is difficult to ignore the brutal facts of what Robert Burns referred to as man's inhumanity to man. The signs have always been with us, from the brutality of ancient Rome to the modern-day holocausts of Nazi Germany, Southeast Asia, Rwanda, and Bosnia1; from the tortures committed in the name of political or religious ideals to the all-too-common tales of child abuse and torture, such as we have in Lois Einhorn's graphic portrayal of life in her psychological death camp. How to make sense of this is one of the greatest challenges to any observer of the human condition. And it does appear to be a particularly human condition. Animals kill, but almost always out of physical need, not the psychological need of a cruel sadist, intending to bring harm, often brutally, to another. It is a biological fact that all living things must feed off external sources to meet their survival needs, including food, water, oxygen, carbon dioxide, light, etc. It is also a psychologicalfact that human beings have a strong need to project the unconscious darkness of their self-hatred onto others. This crucial dynamic results in a condition where they believe and then experience that they are able magically to escape the pain of this guilt or hatred by attacking others—verbally, behaviorally, in their thoughts, or a combination thereof.
These dark forces of hate, buried within all of us, can be reduced to our need to survive—physically and psychologically—a guilt-laden need which ultimately is the expression of the principle that "someone must lose if I am to gain." It is this all- too-human tendency to find pleasure, satisfaction, and gain at the expense of others that runs like a blood-drenched thread throughout our history, both as societies and as individuals. The clear fact that a vicious minority blatantly lives this out does not obviate the presence of those same tendencies in all of us. Freud's systematic study of the dynamic of projection—wherein we see outside what we find unacceptable inside—helps us to understand how this phenomenon of projected hate operates in everyone's unconscious. A Course in Miracles, a contemporary spiritual thought system that builds upon Freud's psychodynamic insights, offers us a spiritual perspective that does full justice to our physical/psychological experience in the world, at the same time affirming our Identity as spirit, the true Self that transcends this material world entirely, as does, of course, our Creator, transcending the dualistic and illusory world of good and evil, victim and victimizer, life and death.
A Course in Miracles teaches that "projection makes perception," that the world is "the outside picture of an inward condition" (T-21.in.1:1,5). Therefore, our perceptions of an external situation reveal the thoughts in our minds that we wish to deny. It goes without saying that, for example, accusing someone of being a sinner because of rape does not mean that I am accusing myself of the specific form of rape. However, the meaningof such an aggressive act is surely in me as well—the need at times to dominate another through sheer force of will or physical strength in order to have my desires fulfilled; not caring about the other person, but only myself. Again, that tendency may not be nearly as extreme or as violent in expression as sexual rape, but it exists in all of us nonetheless. And it is our guilt over such a wish that finds its projected scapegoat in actual rapists. Their blatant "sin" nicely serves this need of finding a suitable object for projection, obscuring the fact of our common unity both as children of the flesh and of the spirit. In the words of Harry Stack Sullivan, the founder of the School of Interpersonal Psychiatry: "We are all much more simply human than otherwise.…" Unfortunately, being "simply human" carries with it not only the capacity for fulfilling our highest aspirations of love and unity, but also our lowest. As Sullivan's statement continues: "…be we happy and successful…miserable and mentally disordered, or whatever." The challenge to us is that our common humanity—for good and evil—is not always so readily apparent.
While in her middle teens, Anna Freud took a walk with her famous father, and as they passed by some beautiful Viennese homes Freud said to his daughter: "You see those lovely houses with their lovely facades? Things are not necessarily so lovely behind the facades. And so it is with human beings too." One might well add "all human beings" to Freud's reference, an addition of which the father of psychoanalysis would almost certainly have approved, being so aware of the dark forces lurking within all members of our species.
If we are to fully realize our inherent wholeness as a spiritual creation of God, we must be willing to forgive, in the sense of looking first at the outer hatred—the projection of the hatred within ourselves—and then beyond it to the love that truly unites us all as one Self. Without this final step, we are condemned to what Freud called the repetition compulsion; in this case, being compelled as a species to repeat endlessly the cycle of guilt and hate, self-loathing and abuse, fear and attack: the cruelty that has so characterized our history, both on the collective and personal levels. All clinicians are more than familiar with the cyclical pattern of many abused children growing up to become abusing adults. And the vicious victim- victimizer cycle that is lived out by individuals sadly recapitulates itself in the lives of groups, large and small.
I would not be much of a psychologist if I were not aware of the destructive consequences of denial, and I am certainly not advocating pushing down memories and thoughts, feelings of hurt, humiliation, and rage, or attempting to overlook them in the so-called spirit of forgiveness. Indeed, in so many instances some form of therapy is necessary as a means whereby people can first come to accept the pain of what has been denied for so long. This is an essential step in the process of forgiveness, if one is going to eventually move beyond the painful, scar-filled memories of the past to an integrated sense of self that alone can bring fulfillment and happiness. Once again, we must not deny what has been done to us, but we all have the capability to grow beyond a victimized self-concept to realize our true potential as whole beings. Thus we demonstrate to our abusers that regardless of their actions, they ultimately were not damaging to us, for we were able to use the experience as a means for personal growth. Importantly, this does not mean allowing others, unchecked, to abuse us or others; the point here being our attitude towards the attacker. One can certainly act in a firm, strong manner to prevent attack and abuse without concomitant feelings of hate or revenge.
A Course in Miracles emphasizes that our perceptions are inherently interpretative. In other words, while our sensory organs report back to us scenes of hate, abuse, and suffering, these need not be instruments with the power to deprive us of our ability to grow, mature, and finally to attain inner peace, not only psychologically but spiritually as well. If these forms of darkness are accorded such power, then the responsibility lies not with the events themselves, but with our having made the event more powerful than the love of God our Source, our constant guide for growth and inspiration for change. This recognition becomes the basis of true forgiveness: Nothing in the world—however reprehensible, repulsive, and vicious—has the power to take from us our inner peace and sense of wholeness. Indeed, the only power that can accomplish this rests within our own minds, which alone can choose peace or war, forgiveness or attack, love or hate. Such a principle presents an overriding challenge to us all, but it is a challenge that we know can be met, as in the inspiring examples of the Dutch Ten Boom sisters and the Viennese Victor Frankl during the Nazi Holocaust. Thus, we need not give the events of our individual lives the power to deprive us of attaining the highest spiritual goal to which we can aspire: knowing, truly knowing, our Identity as spirit, part of the living and loving oneness of God. Extreme examples of brutality can afford us the opportunity of overcoming the easy temptation to hate, calling instead on the Love within to teach us how to forgive—others and thus ourselves.
A medieval legend provides us with a beautiful example of this vision of true forgiveness, an ideal that we all should hope to achieve one day: Jesus and his disciples had gathered together to re-enact the Last Supper. They waited around the table while one place remained vacant. Then Judas walked in. Jesus went over to him and greeted him warmly: "Welcome, my brother. We have been waiting for you." In the same vein, the third-century Christian philosopher Origen taught, in words that did not endear him to the Church authorities, that even the devil would in the end be saved. In other words, every seemingly separated fragment of the spiritual creation of God would and will return Home, as God's love can only embrace totality. Thus our forgiveness here in the world reflects the totality and oneness we all share as spirit.
In summary, then, Lois Einhorn's disturbing example of an extreme form of brutal victimization affords us all still another opportunity to project our interpretation of events, giving them the power to destroy our vision of a common humanity. However, another way of looking at the situation is that we all are calling out for help, especially the sadistic victimizers, which reflects our common Identity as spirit. If God is truly love, then the wholeness of that love can have no exceptions. Thus it is that even the most heinous act demonstrates, if looked at kindly, the desperate call for help and love that lies just beneath its vicious form. It is the same call that cries out in all of us. Learning to give that call a voice is alone what gives this world meaning. Leaving that call unheard carries the terrible risk of perpetuating a life of justified hate that continually seeks to punish others rather than mercifully acknowledge our own need for mercy and forgiveness. In these days of world crisis we are all witnessing the horrific implications of not heeding that call. Our only hope—personally and collectively—lies in looking within at the hatred that joins us all in madness, which is at the same time the defense against the love that joins us all in sanity. In such hope is found the true Kingdom of God: a God of all-inclusive love, a God of perfect oneness, a God whose wholeness embraces totality, without exception.

Afterword
In our March 2004 newsletter, I amended musicologist H.C. Robbins-Landon's statement about Mozart to read:
A Course in Miracles is as good an excuse for mankind's existence as we shall ever encounter and is perhaps, after all, a still, small hope for our ultimate survival.
The hope—in Mozart and A Course in Miracles—is that despite the chaos of the world at large, not to mention our personal worlds, a light still shines in the darkness of our minds (T-15.XI.2:1-2). For whatever other reasons people have been attracted to A Course in Miracles, and people can well be attracted for the wrong reasons, there is nonetheless something that breathes through its words to which everyone resonates, whether they understand the Course fully or not, or whether they even understand it at all. Jesus' words offer hope because they come from, and point to a reality beyond this world. His message of forgiveness is all the more relevant now that stories like Lois' continue to emerge almost daily—stories that speak of unimaginable cruelty and abuse perpetrated on individuals, not to mention racial, religious, and political groups.
Any abuse—individual or collective—is horrific, not only because of the cruelty inherent in the act itself, but because it reminds us of the abuse we all harbor within our separated minds, of which we are mostly unaware. While people in their right minds would never welcome abuse of any nature, once it has occurred it can nonetheless serve a holy purpose. As the Course says of specialness, which is always abusive, regardless of its seemingly benign forms:
Such is the Holy Spirit's kind perception of specialness; His use of what you made to heal, instead of harm (T-25.VI.4:1).
In this regard, an extreme lesson is always helpful (T-6.in.2:1). Being almost impossible to ignore, it can point to the ego thought system heretofore unknown to us, for the ego is kept virtually inaccessible, hidden and protected by the double shield of oblivion (W-pI.136.5:2): the mind's decision for guilt, and its projection of guilt into the material world of separate bodies. Moving beyond these two seemingly impenetrable shields and gaining access to the memory of our true Self—buried in the mind's shrouded vaults of fear—is a daunting task, to say the least:
For the reality of guilt is the illusion that seems to make it heavy and opaque, impenetrable, and a real foundation for the ego's thought system (T-18.IX.5:2).
Nonetheless, its "impenetrable appearance is wholly an illusion" (T-18.IX.6:2), and there is a way of moving beyond its walls of "solid granite." However, it takes a radical shift in perception to move beyond the form to the content. This is the shift that reason—the Holy Spirit's right-minded thought of forgiveness - - brings about:
Sin [or guilt] is a block, set like a heavy gate, locked and without a key, across the road to peace.… The body's eyes behold it as solid granite, so thick it would be madness to attempt to pass it. Yet reason sees through it easily, because it is an error.… Reason will tell you that the form of error is not what makes it a mistake.… The body's eyes see only form. They cannot see beyond what they were made to see.… unable to look beyond the granite block of sin, and stopping at the outside form of nothing.… Yet how can sight that stops at nothingness, as if it were a solid wall, see truly? It is held back by form, having been made to guarantee that nothing else but form will be perceived (T-22.III.3:2,4-5; 5:1,3,4,6,8-9).
Throughout A Course in Miracles we are not only taught that the body and its world are illusions, but that they serve a strategic purpose in the ego's thought system of separation, diverting our attention from the mind's decision for guilt, thereby preventing us from ever changing our minds. The more compelling the form of the error—extreme pain or pleasure, sin or holiness—the more attractive its role as a defense. On the other hand, when the form is looked at through Jesus' gentle eyes of love, it has no power to conceal the mind's content: the original and only mistake of choosing the ego's abusive thought system of separation (kill or be killed—M-17.7:11) over the Holy Spirit's healing thought system of Atonement (together, or not at all—T-19.IV-D.12:8).
The fact remains, however, that given the nature of the body and our experiences within its shield, we cannot gain access to that ancient mistake, as we read in the manual:
Time really, then, goes backward to an instant so ancient that it is beyond all memory, and past even the possibility of remembering (M-2.4:1).
Yet we can remember it indirectly by recognizing that we continually repeat our one error of choosing the ego over God, fear over love:
Each day, and every minute in each day, and every instant that each minute holds, you but relive the single instant when the time of terror took the place of love (T-26.V.13:1).
Since we are all learning disabled, having consistently learned from the wrong teacher, it often takes a drastic situation to dislodge our rootedness in the ego's thought system of victimization and blame. Abuse, while never the Will of the Holy Spirit , can nonetheless be used by Him for a different purpose. In other words, once the decision-making mind has chosen its script, our gentle Teacher uses it to lead us beyond the pain to the peace of God:
The Holy Spirit takes you gently by the hand, and retraces with you your mad journey outside yourself, leading you gently back to the truth and safety within. He brings all your insane projections and the wild substitutions that you have placed outside you to the truth. Thus He reverses the course of insanity and restores you to reason (T-18.I.8:3-5).
The ladder that the separation led us down (T-28.III.1:2)—"the course of insanity"—passes through the wrong-minded thought system of abuse and ends in the physical world of abuse, and so our journey with the Holy Spirit reverses the process as He leads us up the ladder's rungs: the world, the wrong mind, the right mind, to the One Mind of Heaven that is beyond the ladder entirely. He begins His teaching where we believe we are—in the abusive world of pain and suffering—and helps us realize that our perceptual world was made to harbor a secret wish (T-24.VII.8:8-10): the desire to exist as a separate entity with innocence as its justified face. In other words: We exist, but someone else is responsible for our miserable lot in life, for which our suffering is the guilt-inducing witness. It is the need to reinforce this self-concept of the face of innocence(T-31.V.1-2) that leads us to cherish our abuse, as painful as it may be. This aspect of the ego's plan calls for us to suffer at the hands of others, yet we can see through the ego's motives by the tenacity with which we cling to our bitter memories, cherishing the scars from what has been done to us. This is how one passage in the Course describes this vicious insanity:
But every pain you suffer do you see as proof that he [your abusing brother] is guilty of attack. Thus would you make yourself to be the sign that he has lost his innocence, and need but look on you to realize that he has been condemned.… Whenever you consent to suffer pain, to be deprived, unfairly treated or in need of anything, you but accuse your brother of attack upon God's Son. You hold a picture of your crucifixion before his eyes, that he may see his sins are writ in Heaven in your blood and death, and go before him, closing off the gate and damning him to hell (T-27.I.2:2-3; 3:1-2).
Thus do we all walk this earth with our memories of past hurt and abuse, clinging to them as proof that we are innocent, and others guilty of our suffering to the point that they would be condemned to hell, while we return to Heaven as God's innocent Son. And yet, even this secondary gain of demonstrating our unfair treatment becomes too much to bear:
Tolerance for pain may be high, but it is not without limit. Eventually everyone begins to recognize, however dimly, that there must be a better way (T-2.III.3:5-6).
This better way is forgiveness, which calls upon us to change the purpose of our lives from proving the reality of the separation to reflecting the oneness of our creation. Jesus teaches us that all people involved in our lives—the good and the bad, the abused and the abusers—are part of the same Sonship to which we belong; indeed, to which we allbelong. The strong temptation to exclude our abusers is the perfect opportunity to learn we but exclude ourselves.
I have from time to time quoted from Helen Schucman's first poem, "The Gifts of Christmas." The opening lines are directly relevant to this issue:
Christ passes no one by. By this you know
He is God's Son. You recognize His touch
In universal gentleness. His Love
Extends to everyone. His eyes behold
The Love of God in everything He sees.
(The Gifts of God, p. 95; italics mine)
If only the abused are to be pitied, if only the victims are the object of our sympathy, then we maintain the reality of the fragmented Sonship, to the delight of everyone's ego. Yet, if Jesus' truth be accepted, the abuser and victimizer are as much in need of our pity and sympathy, for who but the uncertain, lonely and fearful (T-31.VIII,7:1) would ever seek to harm another, and who but the uncertain, lonely and fearful would ever wander here, so far from home? Indeed, who is here but the uncertain, lonely and fearful? And so no one—victim or victimizer—is exempt from the vision of Christ, Who sees all God's seemingly separated Sons as one—one wrong-minded ego; one right-minded Holy Spirit; one decision maker.
Therefore, if we are sincere about our desire to be forgiven and awaken from this nightmare dream of separation, pain, and death, we must also be sincere about our willingness to practice the lessons that are the means of attaining this goal. It is the all- inclusive nature of forgiveness, which embraces all people without exception, that makes the practice of A Course in Miracles so difficult, and at the same time vitally important for our age. Jesus has called us to forgive as he does. Will we answer? Nothing less than the fate of an abusive and abused world depends on it.
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