The Misery of My Haunting Adopted Childhood Memory
They say I have Developmental-PTSD, and this makes perfect sense as I look back on my adopted child abuse history. When you are not permitted to speak, if asked a question, (usually in the adoptive mother's car) I need to give the appropriate scripted response or risk being struck in the face sitting in the passenger seat of the car by adopted mother. When I was old enough to know this difference, the mature me would risk from time to time the facial assault by giving a not appropriate answer from the child's heart an honest answer...And sure enough the sting across my face reminded me to say nothing honest in the future.
The D-PTSD reality for me as to why I want to jump out of the car when someone else is driving me somewhere or driving me in my car......I feel trapped, desperate, I can't escape my mental distress and these horible physical sensation are relentless of my shame, panic, shaking and hypervigilance. I want to scream, to cry out, but the sound will never escape the depths of my soul that is wired shut, stapled closed and duck-taped. I sometimes think that my biggest fear is to allow myself to scream, to allow my fear to be known and let it out of me.
Will my bones collapse?, or my voice be forever silenced if just one time I let my horror out on a single occasion by screaming?
I was in bed tonight at 7pm and briefly thought about my horror filled memories of being trapped in the car while my drunk adoptive mother drove from bar to bar looking for her drunk husband to fight and assault him. This memory has kept me up all night as the miserable reality of my hypervigilant self counted the hours down to five am when it would be publicly acceptable for me to emerge from my coffin.
There is some imaginary steel shackles around my throat and my adoptive mother still retains the metal keys that continue to torment me as an adult. Although I have no contact I am still filled with the fear of annihilation, punishment and shame that she conditioned me with throughout my prolonged adopted childhood maltreatment. It never goes away, never gets better and the impact of these memories is never less. I've read about "prolonged Exposure" therapy where the bad childhood memory is repeated over and over again until desensitization is achieved through a (PE) trained therapist. It is worth a try.