The Hypervigilant Adopted Child
Hyper vigilance is the adopted child and adult adoptee's birth trauma programmed survival tool.
Life without any genetic sign of familiarity impacts the infant brain with chronic fear resulting in the hypervigilant watch and observation of all details in everyday living to give the adoptee clues that may help or not to blend in. However the adoptee does not ever blend even through extraordinary attempts, the adoptee will always be doomed to a grim failure to blend in like an elephant living in a family of mice.
I am the adoptee and speaking with my first blood relative, my twenty four year old daughter reflects my hypervigilant impact on her life. With my taking in all life's stimuli or situations, refusing to feel or act until I waited too long to have a genuine emotional
reaction to what was or is happening at that moment.
The numb mother that has no visible emotions to display, no feelings to contribute or empathy in the moment of despair. While my lack of feelings and general numbness to the living is a genetic mutation of a lack of maternal bonding, It is also related to my chronic adopted child abuse and psychological neglect at the hands of my adoptive mother...Where my feelings, fears and presence is met with hostility and intolerance like the familiar phrase I herd when slapped across the face "If you cry, I'll give you something real to cry about".
I learned not to feel or react to anything, abandoning my emotions was a necessity to survive my adopted home. My adoptive mother was a reactor and reacted to everything that happened or things she made up to justify my very public punishments.
The adult in me wanted to distance myself from anything that resembled my adoptive mother's behavior and the most disturbing of her behaviors was reacting to everything with rage and striking me.
I chose to learn not to react to anything and wait until I calmed down. Sometimes I waited too long and could not feel anything when I had a safe distance from the problem to allow myself to feel.
Nothing happens when you swallow all of your emotions to avoid a reaction and my late or immediate reactions to situations do not happen.
The down side is the feelings do not ever transpire, when you swallow your feelings and put on a happy face as I learned in adopted childhood, you just go numb and the emotions that you waited to allow are long gone.
My first adult blood relative, my 24 year old child is severely impacted by my lack of feelings and emotions, she is unable to feel or allow her own emotions to flow. Her longtime mate asks her why she turns to stone in a heated discussion, he asks her why she will not talk or react honestly to him in the moment. This frustrates him and he does not understand her vigilant stance of silent fear or discontent as she just won't talk to him.
The impact is a two fold generation on adopted child abuse, it effects the adoptee's biological children and possibly the grand child of the third generation.