Death of Biological Parent
Finding and meeting my biological father has been so valuable to my true personal identity formation at 40 years old. Knowing him, seeing the good and the bad has helped me see specific tendencies within myself that I can gladly accept or choose not to allow to infect my behavior.
Yet for the first time I can identify the personality traits, now know where these impulses come from, they are genetic and make up who I really am.
Without seeing the personality traits in my father, I would have never known that I share them with him.
Loosing your first child to a fate worse than death- child adoption, grows guilt, shame and failure in all that were coerced and forced without rights into accepting this adoption plight. Adoption death of a child wrecks your past, future and present, rendering the biological parent a shell of their potential. They spend their lives trying to forget to save themselves from the daily despair they feel and numb their lives with anything but truth. They accept this adoption horror story as a deserved punishment and continue to punish themselves throughout their existence.
My own father was no different in his life path of destruction as he lived in shame and guilt all of his days. He gave up on all trust from other human beings. He pretended to live in the fantasy world before the pregnancy-adoption, before the guilt of these occurrences took over his psyche. My father found safety in the sixteen year old boy he once was, that time of his life where he had no shame or guilt to cause him strife.
Even as he lay dying with terminal cancer, he would tell the nurses of surfing, camping on the beach and that time of being free from the guilt that consumed his soul. He ignored his path of destruction that followed him through life and kept on with the self centered personality of an adolescent child that like peter-pan never grew up. He lived in denial of the things he did in his life and created noble, heroes and honorable stories to pretend that his life made sense.
"Cognitive Dissonance" was his closest held belief to protect his psyche from the truth of his life.
As the unwanted adopted child that I am, I am so grateful to have known him and seen his true nature, called him on the lies and forced him to understand that I knew the ugly truth of his life. The selfishness and the numbing are a constant struggle that the abandoned unwanted adoptee feels so disconnected to this world.
There are three or more generations that are grossly effected by adoption, the parents, the adoptee, the adoptee's children and so on. Adoption is the plight that keeps on contributing to the downfall of the human psyche. Disconnecting families with laws and mandatory separations that take away more than identity from the adoptee, we loose more than can be listed, written or imagined. We loose ourselves, our potential and our freedom to be who we truly are.
I was fortunate to know my biological father and to bid him farewell into the afterlife. I was lucky to begin to know who I am.