Death of Biological Father #4
When I herd the news that My father is dying I went instantly hypervigilant and numb to the events that would follow. I see everything from a third party view without feeling and intending to feel the emotions later when I have time as emotions get in the way of dealing with life. At least I acknowledge to myself that I will have emotions especially at my biological father dying, but I never seem to allow myself time to express my emotions, until there is no feelings left.
Flying to North Carolina is great, making many acquaintances along the way. The three hour taxi ride put my patience to the test as the taxi driver tried for several hours to convince me to have sex with him.
Arriving directly at the hospital the reality of the situation was revealed by the giant exposed wound,
catheters draining urine and blood out of his rotting body. My heart began to pound and my body was vibrating as in my mind I was assessing the probability of how close his death was going to happen. My exhausted mind and body now awake for 36 hours was thinking sleep might be possible so I checked into a hotel across the street, ordered a pizza and watched an HBO movie in bed. I must have smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, as smoking was the only excuse to get me away from the smell of decomposing flesh in dad's hospital room. He would look at me in desperation when I went out to smoke, as he wanted to smoke a cigarette, I said I'll get you a wheelchair and take you out..."Let's go dad", he'd say "tomorrow".
I contacted a Cherokee medicine man due to the hospital's one-size-fits-all christian religion in the south, and the medicine mans presence gave my dad spiritual peace.
Meeting with the Hospice staff, filling out Medical directives, crossing-out treatment options, DnR's, and refusing the recommended radiation therapy by doctors was a stupid suggestion as he was dying now and burning his giant lesion would only cause more and great suffering to an actively decomposing man.
The acute care facility moved my dying father to a hospice facility where he died in twenty-four hours.
I don't believe in good-byes, so I never said good-bye. I just leave when I need to protect myself from emotional pain, so I left NC and made it home to sleep 24 hours. When I got the call that He had died I went about my day without emotions or feeling in the car I herd a reggae song about Jah and started to cry for a few minutes, and that quickly past. I don't react to emotional things like normal people. When animals or people I don't know die I ball like a baby.
But never do I react to things connected to me personally. I have no real connection to my own feelings and can rarely identify what I am feeling in a given moment. Being adopted has crippled my ability to live like normal empathetic and connected people, It is my basic survival instinct to go numb and it is unfortunately my adopted legacy.