Adoptee's Experience of Bio-Dad Death #1
I have just landed back home in California from North Carolina after receiving the call of dad's terminal condition and imminent death. After four hours of sleep in my own bed, I received the call that my biological father is dead. It will take me several months or more to process the last few weeks to write and come to some understanding of how I feel, what I saw and how I reacted to this strange and foreign sensation. I have been having heart palpitations, shaking, rushing and numbness for days. Now it is over and I am still shaking, confused about everything I have seen and learned, now I am just trying to decompress.....writing helps me.
I've never claimed to be any expert on the psychology of adopted children and am finding no clues in the realm of psychology articles on the impact of adoptee's dealing with the death of a biological parent....there's zero info and no adoptee blogs to be found on bio-dad death/adoptee experience for help.
Going through life without knowing who or what you are, or where you belong, keeps the adopted child from developing their true identity formation that normally takes place in adolescence. The Adoptee will never will form their true identity until they have digested all information about their maternal and paternal family.
I always knew that I was not like my adoptive family,
as I hate eating meat, gambling, fighting, conflict and alcoholism (drunk adoptive parents).
When I found my bio-dad, I was instantly welcomed and loved sincerely by him. This was my desperate need to be accepted by my biological parents that clouded my perception.
You have to consider that an Adoptee's taking-in, processing and digesting information takes an enormous amount of time, years to the Adoptee's understanding and how the information applies to the individual adoptee, then it evolves and changes again and new information changes what you previously thought.
I have never let anyone too close and guard my feelings like an evil greedy man defends his wealth.
As I got older I guard my body from the closeness of others and sometimes shutter at the thought of being touched or hugged. I dread it and hate to even shake hands with new people, taking on the eastern way of bowing to avoid touching other people at all.
The experience of a loved one's death is awful but for the adoptee we are in outer space, disconnected from any normal reasoning as the death of the reconnected parent child relationship is full of conflict, distrust, confusion and anger. The reality is that no person I trust can understand the enormity of what I feel as they are not adopted.
Adopted children are a band apart forever and the best that we can do is to realize and accept this truth
as what we seek can never be quenched. We desire so desperately to be put back where we belong but this reality can never be restored in the adoptee's lifetime, as it has already been lived. This biological drive of need clouds our present until it is played out as the adoptee can only find understanding in retrospect when looking back.
Every adoptee has an inherent right to know who they are, know their real parents and have a relationship with their biological family or they will forever be lost without a connection to who they truly are.
The conditioned personality of the adoptee, the genetic traits and predispositions....we must have all of the facts to recognize in ourselves that we wish to keep and other behaviors that we desire to abandon can only be revealed by knowing our real parents and learning to know ourselves requires time and knowledge.
Non-adopted people are quick to make ignorant judgments like "you were better off", "you would have been raised with those dirty alcoholic Indians". Yet I am one of those "dirty Indians" and for the first time in my life I have pride in my Indian round face because I now know where I'm from and why my face looks like this, I have comfort in this.
The world can only see the end result of a miserable life lived, not how loosing a child to adoption impacts a parent's whole life and devastates them with guilt.