The Adopted Child's Fear of Speaking Brings Silent Rage
When the adopted child is afraid to speak, the driving force behind the fear is the repressed anger that we hold inside like a big gulp of stagnate air when going under water. It feels like it is going to rupture our lungs with that vile smell and disgusting taste that does not sustain us for even a moment. As we swallow our anger, injustice and contempt for our cruel and unloving caregiver, we are usually struck in the face for the truth that is evidence in our expression of how we really feel at that moment, although we said nothing.
I never looked at or into my adoptive mother's eyes as she asked me circular questions and expected her scripted answers. I would habitually be looking out the car window with no room for escape from her long arm and clinched right fist that would strike me for having a "bad attitude" even though I said nothing and did not show my obvious contempt or fear of her that is always written on my face.
When you are adopted by a narcissistic selfish and vain adoptive mother where appearances and secrets & deception are her "values and Morals". The game is imperative to her in keeping up the public charade of selfless adoptive mother and her grateful "pet" adopted daughter.
What went on in public verses the chronic dysfunctional home, are two completely different worlds that at some point collide into a catastrophic drama when the bar party moves on at 2 am and is brought into the anything goes home.
Except where the adopted child is concerned, this rigid, suffocating and injustice environment is dominated by punishing the scapegoat that is responsible for all of the family's problems to be put on public display for the benefit of the self proclaimed martyr adoptive mother.
Sitting in a counselling session with the adoptive mother glaring at you with loathing hatred. I become filled with such anxiety and fear when asked to speak. If I say anything that is true I will be punished, If I lie I will be punished, I can't win because I am not allowed to talk. I can't even think with her in the room glaring at me, as her cruel frown says everything to me about remaining silent.
It is ironic that this mother has no idea what is wrong with me. Though my insides are screaming with anger at her, radiating hate, loathing and contempt at her domination of my body, mind and spirit. I am not allowed to talk, if I do talk, what I say will be ignored or she will scream "NO" at me. Say that I am too dramatic, too sensitive, invalidate my feelings and create some new punishment to torment me for being a troublemaker.
The behavior that I endured in childhood did not end when I escaped, it morphed into an on-again, off-again one way street without any dialog that psychologically healthy adults use in their attempts to understand one another.
I entered the adult world with child-like reasoning which has been a lifelong disaster. I learned nothing from my childhood torment except to run far away from conflict. No matter where I am, if I hear harsh tones, angry exchanges or an argument I begin to shake, anxiety fills me and want to flee.
The roots of all of my anger stem from my childhood pain of not being wanted, not being worthy and not being acceptable as who I am. As a result I played the adopted child role in silence but always wanted to escape when I was capable to leave.
Being unwanted is my core belief but knowing that I could escape this cruel person gave me hope of a better life without the cruel remarks, invalidation and ignoring my words were solely connected to one person.
Yet the triangulation, guilt and betrayal of the family are connected to what the adoptive mother allowed, encouraged and was the primary participant in my psychological manipulation. Outside of this prison I feel good about myself and happy, but inside this group I am invisible, I am invalid and I am nobody worth listening to.......I choose happy.
The Root of Passive Aggressive Behavior