About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Adopted Child's Psychological Boundary Violations


The Adopted Child's Emotional Injury of Distorted Boundaries By Selfish Adoptive Parents

Many times an adopted child's abandonment issues are fused and doubled with distorted, confused, and non-existent personal boundaries. We experience abandonment when adoptive parents have a distorted sense of boundaries, their boundaries and ours. They want us to like what they like, dress like they dress, feel as they do and be like them of which we are NOT. If we in any way express the truth of our differences from our adoptive parents, or naturally make different choices than they would, we invoke their intolerance, anger, and  run the real risk of rejection again.
How many of us attended colleges that our parents chose for us? How many of us married who we did or when we did because that was expected or desired by our parents? Having done what our parents expected, wanted, or demanded does not mean that it was the wrong thing to do. It just means that the decision was never totally ours.
Certainly, many people do exactly what their parents don't want them to do. Often this is an attempt to be a separate person. We choose to marry the person they would like the least, or simply choose to not attend college at all. It is not the outcome that is the issue as much as it is the decision making process. Instead of choosing freely, we make a reactive decision based in anger or contempt.
When parents hold children responsible for what should be their responsibility, they are expecting something impossible of a child. In effect, they are telling children that they have more power than they truly have, setting them up to experience futility, inadequacy and failure.
Many times parents develop relationships with their children in which they are their friends, their peers, their equals. In doing so, they share information that is not age-appropriate for a child. Inappropriate information often creates a sense of burden, or even guilt, for children. That is not fair. 
(EXAMPLE: My adoptive mother was intolerant of my relationship bond with her sister, my aunt and intentionally kept us apart throughout my childhood. My adoptive mother would tell me of my aunt's financial problems, bad money decisions and consequences in an attempt to make me see my aunt as poor, irresponsible and included adult concepts of bankruptcy that was to my adoptive parents socially humiliating and morally unacceptable. I was encouraged to dislike my aunt and uncle based on their financial problems, which has nothing to do with loving a person for who they are. The irony was that all the chronic negative and condemning gossip by my adoptive mother about her sister, only made me love my aunt and uncle more and I still and always wanted to see them and be with them, which pissed my adoptive mother off more.)

When parents are disrespectful of their children's boundaries and violate them, the message given is that they don't value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as "I am not of value. I am not worthy." When parents don't acknowledge children's boundaries, the message they give is "You are here to meet my needs," and/or "I am more important than you," and/or "It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs." When children experience chronic abandonment with distorted boundaries, they live in fear and doubt about their worth. The greater the clarity a child has around boundaries, understanding who is responsible for what, and the greater a child's self-esteem, the more likely a child will be able to reject, rather than internalize, shameful behaviors and messages.
As children we cannot reject parents, because they are so desperately needed. Instead, we take on the burden of being wrong or bad. In doing this, we purge parents of being wrong or hurtful, which reinforces a sense of security. In essence, outer safety is purchased at the price of inner security.
What we must understand now is that our abandonment experiences and boundary violations were in no way indictments of our innate goodness and value. Instead, they revealed the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt us. Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so we can heal. Until we do, the pain will stay with us, becoming a driving force in our adult lives.