About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Emotionally Infantile Adoptive Parents Impact on Adopted Children


Emotionally Immature Adoptive Parent's Impact Is Forced Into Adopted Child's Life

How parents impact children 
Just because a person is old enough to have children or adopting a child does not 
mean that he/she is mature enough to provide a child with adequate parenting. 
Adults who have not developed psychologically remain emotionally immature. 
If they have not challenged and ignored their defense mechanisms that they developed in childhood, 
they will be withdrawn, self-protective, insecure and self-critical. 
The parent does not have the normal adult self-esteem, self-reliance, emotional competence   
and adult independence that would enable them to parent their children in an emotional healthy way.

When Parents are Immature

It is the intention of all parents to offer their children love. However, parents who are 
emotionally immature cannot offer their children self sufficiency, strength and 
emotional nurturing that a healthy childhood requires. 
Unfortunately, these parents are unaware that they have not yet developed the ability 
to provide parental love that promotes a child's independence. 
Therefore the parent is unable to recognize their own behaviors that indicate immature parenting. 
Adults can learn to identify the behaviors that are the result of immature parenting if they are not in 
denial of their own childhood maltreatment.

Behaviors that indicate immature parenting:

Anxious over-concern
Immature parents do not perceive themselves as capable, functional adults. 
They feel inadequate and fearful, like children themselves. 
This misperception leaves them feeling that they cannot take care of their children. 
As a result, they are anxious, overly-concerned and tense in situations that mature 
parents handle with ease and competence.

Immature parents experience the world from a child's perspective. 
They perceive the world to be more threatening and dangerous than it is. 
Their belief that their children are living in a world of overwhelming dangers 
leads them to taking over-protective actions that are inappropriate for both the 
child and the parent.

Emotional Hunger
In the family, immature parents do not function as adults. Instead, they function as children 
looking for parental love themselves. These parents turn to the people in closest proximity, 
their new family, to find relief from the pain and emptiness that has been with them since childhood. 
They often turn to their children to satisfy their emotional hunger.

Immature parents are often unaware of being emotionally hungry. 
They mistake their feelings of emotional hunger for love.

Parental behaviors that indicate parental hunger:

Taking a proprietary interest in one's child
Emotionally hungry parents fail to see their child as a person separate from themselves. 
They perceive their child to be an extension of themselves. 
The parent owns the child, similar to how the parent owns their adopted child.
The result is that these parents have a basic disregard for their child's boundaries.

Living through one's child
The emotionally hungry parent has an intense and inappropriate focus on the child. 
The child's life becomes more interesting, exciting or emotionally draining to the parent 
than his/her own. The boundary between the parent and child becomes blurred. 
The parent experiences the child's accomplishments, actions and emotions as his/her own
or resents the child's success as attention that is not deserved and attention that is taken away 
from the parent's attention that is more deserved than attention toward the child.

Forming an exclusive relationship with one's child
The emotionally hungry parent can form such an intense, suffocating and draining 
attachment to the child that this becomes the dominant relationship in the adult's life. 
When this happens, parents reject or neglect their adult relationships and turn to the 
child for the fulfillment and gratification of their needs. 
The child becomes the parent's significant other or focus of the parent's anxiety. 
The parent's adult partner finds him/herself excluded from this relationship.

Children's behaviors that indicate parental hunger 
The children of emotionally hungry parents are born or adopted into an especially destitute 
situation. They are deprived of parental love which leaves them empty and hurting. 
At the same time, their immature parents' demands for love and attention drain the child emotionally.

As a result, children who suffer from the focus of an emotionally hungry parent exhibit certain 
behaviors that stand apart from the behaviors of children who are loved and nurtured by mature parents. 
These deprived children are not well-adjusted, relaxed or self-possessed. 
They are desperate and anxiously dependent on their parent. 
They are emotionally volatile, insecure and have difficulty relating to others. 
Therefore, when trying to identify parental emotional hunger, it is helpful to look 
at the behavior of the child as well as of the adult.

When parents try to live on through their children
Parents who have not come to terms with their own mortality often use their children or 
adopted child to alleviate their anxiety surrounding the issue of death or infertility. 
The parent's attempt to use something that comes from the child, and will most likely survive 
them, to fill an unconscious quest for immortality. 

However, this solution can only work if the child is essentially the same as the parents, 
the adopted child does not favor, look similar or share biological characteristics with the parent. 
The child must be the same in appearance, behavior, personality characteristics, religious and 
political beliefs.  If the child is different from them as the adopted child, 
the parents' illusion of immortality is threatened. 
Consequently, the child's difference, nonconformity and individuality in the child or adopted child 
is punished, and conformity and submission are rewarded.

When parents fight with each other
Immature parents usually act out their irrational emotions freely. 
They are not introspective and lack an interest in understanding their feelings. 
They lack the ability to control them. 
They freely express whatever emotions they are experiencing in relation to one another: 
jealousy, hostility, victimization, resentment, possessiveness, anger thrive without regard.

Children are highly sensitive to their parents' feelings toward each other. 
They are torn apart and tortured by their parents' fights and arguments. 
The child is left feeling insecure. The child is frightened of what the parents will 
do to each other and also frightened of losing them as parents.

Children are also sensitive and suffer from their parents' feelings toward themselves. 
When parents suffer from feelings of inferiority and are self-critical and self-hating, 
the child feels insecure, fears losing the parent and the child's fears dominate their consciousness.