Adoptee Seeking the How To Forgive
I am an adoptee that always feels anger first, when injustice is served without being provoked. I guess I have been angry throughout my entire life, angry for being abandoned, angry for being adopted, angry for my adopted status being rubbed in my face by my adoptive family, like a dog's face forcibly being rubbed in his own excrement because he shit in the house.
My face was always rubbed in the excrement of my illegitimate birth, abandoned-adopted bastard and forced to be the unwanted outcast from my adoptive family.
As I research writing about how to find forgiveness,
the mainstream thinking is that we must learn to forgive ourselves for our participation in these violent relationships from my childhood. Relationships that dominated me into being silent, crippling me into submission to be the punching bag for my adoptive mother's anger at the death of her stillborn baby, the sacrificial black sheep for my brother to beat me up constantly because he thought I was given more attention although negative. The forgiveness of myself for not standing up to my family's brutality that I endured as a small child as I played the part of the victim, when I should have been fighting back, fighting for my life against the adoptive saviors that adopted me to abuse me, to belittle me and make me suffer for not being the child they bore.
The 50% participation in a miserable failure of a romantic relationship that ended twenty years ago and I never spoke a word about it. The map of my life documents my desperation in travels by a series of burned bridges, grasping onto others that could scarcely hold them selves afloat.
The other relationships were emotional bridges of escape from my adoptive parents emotional manipulation and their prison without walls. I am guilty of jumping onto others to carry me across the waters of life which neither of us could swim and we both end up drowning each other by holding on.
The two ice skaters that cling to one another to stay upright but they both end up falling down because neither person can skate upright on their own.
My entire life has been an attempt to escape my adoption. To escape who I am, who I am not, that disreputable, unwanted abandoned adopted child.
The opportunity that I thought I saw was just another broken person like me, as we broken people tend to gravitate toward each other and mistake kindness for relational love, dedication and stability.
Yet stability is the furthest from who we truly are, those of us who are broken in childhood.
How can we forgive our abusers? I do not know how. I still see yesterday's violence as it exists in my mind still today. I know we must remember and continue to recite these horrible memories to take them from trauma into autobiographical memory. How do we forgive our abusers, when the perpetrators are still in denial of the past abuse and deny the details of how they abused us? Our bruises, stitches and broken bones have healed, but the bitter memories are much more painful then the arguments and beatings.
The memories that plague the mind can never be forgotten, only reinterpreted, remembered and emotions digested with time.
What we need is to forgive them for the emotional health of ourselves. How do others do this seemingly impossible task?
Some Web Research Articles on Forgiveness:
- Personal healing
- Relationship repair
- Restoration of trust
- Religious or spiritual
- Relationship detachment.
“I forgive you for reminding me that I sometimes feel devalued, inadequate, and unlovable. I know that I am valuable and worthy of love, because I value and love others. Whenever I think of how you hurt me, I will value someone or something and show love to a significant person in my life, and that will remind me of how valuable and lovable, I truly am.”