Is there ever a good time in the life of an Adoptee?
People ask "have I come at a bad time?" Is this a good time to talk? From looking through the scattered mess of papers, notes, note cards and photographs that make up the mess known as the evidence for my existence I did exist. Now I am only the shadow of the of tormented individual that was once alive and living. My life is a series of failed relationships, burned bridges and the emotional baggage left over from each failed attempt to humanly connect.
There comes a time in the lives of the broken where we wish to no longer go on leaving destruction in the wake of our life's path. Those who we have known would probably lie and say they did not know us, as our lasting impressions are not so favorable. Yet we blindly went on in our search for connections that were completely in vein, the drive to feel wanted is so bitter sweet and can only last as long as our true nature is concealed from the lover. When you come from nothing good, nothing good can come from your energy. The adopted child comes into the world marked as the ultimate burden of a mother's shame.
The shame is taken away from her by abandoning her bastard child to the adoption idealation. Where the mother is cleansed from her shame and can leave all thoughts of the bastard child's shame behind her. I am one of those so called shamed children that caused such emotional humiliation to my biological family. Once they were rid of me, they could stand tall with their heads held high and pretend my pathetic shamming existence did not occur, as the mark had been lifted from the family's honor. Yet the unfortunate child will always be drawn back to where they came from, their biological connection to humanity is kept from them until they are too old to claim their truths. The returning bastard child armed with or without their childhood innocence, they will claim their right to know who they are and where they come from, and with their return they bring the flood of shame and humiliation that the adopted child has always carried with them through their lives. They will bring such pain, and suffering with them that they did not even know they were capable of. They bring grief with them, they bring violence, we bring hatred and indifference carried within our souls. Because we adoptee's are the epitome of shame we wear it proudly, unknowing of the unpleasantness that our shame provokes in others. We are the unwanted, the forced to exist, without any knowledge of the freedoms that other's take for granted. We lack confidence, we insight terror and we are capable of desperate behaviors that can be used to destroy others. We are humble, we are invisible we are silence.