My First Adult Adoptee Abandonment Brake-Down
The abandonment of a lifetime, that replays in my nightly Oncore performances in my dreams, that never let me forget him or the time of such wonderful intimate trust and adoration of being sober stings worst in me. Although I can never say his name or look at or think of as the pain is too great to bear.
I was 26 years old and living alone with my two baby
daughters, and having the best time without drama,
without beatings or beating the man that beats on me.
Time passed and I became close again with my brother, On our daily walks into the canyon were so healing and we became so close and trusting of each other.
I slowly began an affection with one of my brother's new friends, a quiet person that didn't drink and my learning of how to have fun or just exist without alcohol opened up an entire new world for me.
I welcomed sobriety and learned to feel and have safe emotions, but the intimacy was hard to trust, to learn how....to trust was hard as my dreams told of an impending abandonment that played out the scenarios of how it would take place in my nighttime dreams of the trusted soul that slept beside me most nights.
The months turned into years and my comfort and happiness were the best feelings of safety and love that I ever lived or felt in my life. I was becoming whole again, a better mother, calm and without the reacting that I suffered under my mother's reactionary punishments in my adopted childhood.
One afternoon I came home from work and my little house was wiped clean of him ever being there. No note, no words or warning or why. Just the darkness that my future fortold happening that I thought was not real, just worst fear dreams.
I fell to the ground in an un-relentless balling out loud. Reliving each abandonment that I have ever been forced to endured and the loss of now. The trust and love that I thought existed was gone with the darkness of the night. No more hearing that beefed up exhaust system pull into my driveway, no more tenderness or intimacy I thought that I would die....and so much of me did that night as I would never recover this excruciating sting that never goes away of being abandoned without a word. Without a word abandoning means that I am not worth an explanation, I do not matter and my misconception that I ever did matter was a farce and a self fulfilling prophecy that would always come to pass....that I have no worth, that I am invisible and my adoptive mother was always right in telling me that I am worthless, that I don't fit in and never will, and the only hope for me is a good job, although I am incapable of that too. She reminds me that anything that I do or try will always end in failure. She was right.
Even fifteen years later the pain now repalys nightly in my dreams of scenarios where he is leaving me all over again and again....But tonight's dreams would be a different version of being dumped by him, by everyone that despises me. Of being not wanted and being turned away for being me, the leper, the unwanted adopted child that has no roots, no family and forever to suffer this abandonment over and over each night in my dreams. Dreams that are too painful, too embarrassing and too humiliating to ever put to paper, although it is alive and well in my sleeping state and in my mind.