Disturbing Coping mechanisms of Abused Adoptee
Because I was never worthy of being treated with respect, or worth respectful treatment as an adopted child as we are not born and not seen as human. I kept allowing the abuse, being thrown away and ostracized from the adoptive family then went along pretending that the abuse did not happen. As an adopted child I was never worthy of love, only abuse and malice of which I treasured as some negative attention is better than no attention at all. For the longest time I welcomed each reunion with my disowning adoptive family as I knew no other way of being treated, abuse and maltreatment was my normal relationship as they allowed me to exist even as the bastard child I was not invisible. I allowed each incidence of abuse, being thrown out and then reeled back in as I was not capable of human dignity.
I was lucky to get the abuse from my adoptive family rather than being thrown away again and discarded, there was always hope that they would allow me back in their family.
When I was around thirty, still being manipulated, blindsided without warning and verbally & physically attacked by my adoptive parents, I started to do something unconventional by calendering all attacks on my ABUSE Calender. The abuse calender is something that is written in permanent ink, hidden from plain view and documenting all personal attacks that I endured by my adoptive parents, this has gone on for 15 years. The Abuse Calenders are daily proof of all of the attacks, slights, manipulating, beating, scapegoating, and psychological triangulations at the actions of my adoptive mother, father and extended family of unstable, alcoholic based and drug addicted attacks.
The records that I have kept prove the attacks on me occurred on the calender square of that date. I would wright out word for word the random unexpected accusations, the crazy out of the blue screaming at me for what ever reason that they said that I deserved to be belittled, being thrown out of the family....Again and the next day, week, month, pretending that the event, attack or assault did not happen.
My adoptive mother would say that I was over-reacting, being dramatic, being needy, being overly sensitive, making a big deal out of nothing, attention seeking, living in the negative, should forget yesterday, "that never happened", "you are reading into things", and my ultimate favorite excuse "I (mom) or your father, were just kidding". That would be followed by "You are Too Sensitive" You need to get over what ever chip is on your shoulder", You need to get yourself together and stop focusing on the negative.
Yet my calender proves to me what did occur, the attempts to make me question myself make me feel crazy "Gas-lighting". The calender documentation proves to me that I know what went down, and usually there were witnesses to these outrageous vicious attacks to my character, self worth and truth of what exact words my adoptive parents used to destroy me.
I have always tried to keep boundaries with my adoptive parents to prevent these unexpected verbal and physical attacks, but each time I made a conscious effort to lay our a new boundary, my adoptive mother would intentionally stomp on it to remind me that she was in control of my life.
A few boundaries that I attempted to politely suggest establish with my adoptive parents were met with furious inconsideration and ANIMATED REACTIONS:
#1. please call before you come over.....STOMPED!
#2. please make plans with me before you demand I comply with meeting you........STOMP!
#3. Please do not fill my baby's heads with hell, devils and damnation they are too young to live in fear.......STOMP!
#4. When I make plans with people, please do not show up (like you are invited)........STOMP!
#5. Please treat me like an adult........STOMP!
The day I asked each request, they are deliberately
done with great malice to spite me. That my words, or my wishes mean nothing but a joke to them. Every time I set a boundary she deliberately
did the opposite to prove control and dominate me, as my words and wishes do not count and mean nothing. Since childhood and now I am lucky to be controlled by such angry, dominating, and now pissed off adoptive parents at the idea that I told them what to do.
Although I never said "stop verbally and physically abusing me", I knew that I would be struck in the face and cursed out by my vindictive adoptive mother, as she would never allow me to not to forget my low place in society, the adoptive family and as her pet adopted child that will be always deserving of being struck in my face forever.
The Abuse Calenders I hold dear as a reminder of what I experienced and tolerated, as a lowly adopted child that is not worthy of being treated with respect as a human being. The last verbal attack and threat to strike that smug look if my face, was on my 40th birthday. That is the irony of the adopted child's day of Abandonment and more appropriate treatment for the adopted child, to be struck in the face on the adoptee's birthday, poetic injustice.