The Secret of the Adopted Child's Existence
The secret of my existence would have gone to my biological mother's grave, if I had not found her.
When I did finally find my biological mother, she kept my existence a secret, even from herself. My biological mother refused to acknowledge any truths for herself, as she bought into the poor and lacking advice from the psychopathic experts of that time.
My biological mother refused to acknowledge her own pain and suffering, creating in her very disturbing psychological compensating that played out in her life as cycles of defense mechanisms of behavior that kept her intentionally distanced from her own legitimate born children. The psychological wounds that my biological mother suffered beginning at my relinquishment caused her the inability to allow herself to nurture her future children. In fact my mother was so broken from the adoption that she could not physically or mentally care for her legitimate sons, as she intentionally worked the swing shift that allowed her to escape mothering and all together avoid nurturing her children.
The very disturbing episode in which my mother lived in complete denial of my existence and denial that the pregnancy, birth and adoption ever took place.
The extreme psychopathic behavior where she was not simply hiding a secret, but the truth in the fact that her ego would not allow her to remember the primal wound that rendered her forever broken was concealed inside of her mind., As she was not allowed to speak of the adoption, grieve for her lost child as she was a slave to the psychological braking of her mental wellbeing of which she complied with the status quote.
When my biological brother got his girlfriend pregnant, my biological mother could not or would not remember, could not advise the young couple from her own past experience of adoption separation trauma as my mother's memory of her past would not allow even the slightest trigger of her own terrible and horrifying past experience of relinquishing her child to be remembered. She simply had no memory of being pregnant, giving up a child for adoption or the pain and suffering that goes along with adoption. My brother (and his now wife) went through with the adoption without any knowledge of his mother's own adoption trauma experience. This story was told to me by my brother's wife, the girl who relinquished her child to adoption, which would have been my niece, my mother's grandchild and their first born offspring. Had they known the impact on our mother's memory that adoption initiated the beginning of memory problems early in life.
My sister-in law who told me this horrific story that they had no idea that mom had a child and that she gave it away to adoption. My brothers had no idea that I existed. Especially when they were going through the unplanned pregnancy and adoption plans, mom gave no clue of her own tragic circumstance and experience with adoption. my brother and his wife were astonished by the fact that mom did relinquish a child for adoption., Yet she never let on to it when they were going through the exact same painful torture of giving away their own child to adoption, the relinquishment process in adoption.
...Mom never said a word about having a baby and giving it up for adoption...When the son needed help, understanding, needing guidance, Needing to know something, anything about what we were planning to do (adoption). It was as though mom never had a baby and gave it away to adoption, during that time of the son's unplanned pregnancy never triggered any remote memory from the relinquishing mother's past. It was like the mother never experienced pregnancy, birth or relinquishment, as the son saw nothing from the mother's behavior, knowledge of adoption or past experiences that could help them know what to do about the unplanned pregnancy and feel good about doing the right thing.
When I contacted my mom for the first time, she called her sons to tell them about their adopted relinquished sister. My brother's wife said it was about ten years ago that she and my brother gave their child up for adoption. Mother never let on that she had a daughter given up for adoption, even when faced with the relinquishment of mom's first grandchild, she never acted like she knew anything.
My mother's memory problems seem to begin at the point of adoption relinquishment. In speaking with my aunt, and other family members, discrepancies in my biological mother's account of life, events and stories are filled with holes and untruths. The memory problems that began at my relinquishment
are time periods that are omitted from mother's life.
Many first mothers experience psychological, medical and memory problems as a consequences from the mortal wounding experienced by relinquishing mothers.
When adoptees enter reunions, we must realize that the wounding to the human psychology is monumental. Alcoholism, drugs, eating gambling, whatever the choice does not matter, as the primal wounding of a person's soul can not be healed and most first mothers & fathers & adoptees are suffering from the insulting injury that we exist and get through life one day at a time, not really living but existing.