The Lies Told To The Adult Adoptee Seeking Answers
Adoptees emerging from the adoption fog are struck by the reality of living a life of lies in their adopted childhoods. The secret adoption truths and detailed information that is coveted by adoptive parents, that they would rather take to their graves than allow the forever adopted child to gain any insight about their lives.
The adoptive parents do not want and refuse to confess any details that they know about the child's adoption. Adoptive parent's prefer that their adopted child never uncover the truth about the dynamics of their adoption or the possibility that the adopted child might find any clues to their biological origins after the death of the adoptive parents.
As the adoptive parents can never consider that the adopted child is anything but their property. Even in death the adoptive parent believes the adopted child will carry the torch of loyalty for their adoptive parent and never betray the adoptive parent's trust that the adopted child never search for the biological parents, is a serious flaw that the adopted child is not an independent adult person with their own drives, wants and needs that lie outside of the legal adoption relationship.
Adoptive parents discard the adopted child's own personal needs of heritage, biological ties and above all deny the adoptee's critical needs in the personal relationship with the entire paternal and maternal biological family. The exiting of the adoption fog renews the adoptees hopes and serious attempt at adoption searching and finally reunion with the family that has always belonged to the adopted child, now adult adoptee.
The reunion with biological parents is difficult and plagued with the past history of a child's loss yet not death. The pain, sadness and humiliation of adoption that take it's toll on a grieving biological mother and father change their lives for the worst, and manifest in the worst possible ways.
Addictions to religion, alcohol and gambling to name a few consequences from loosing one's child to adoption.
The psychological defense coping mechanisms change people in adapting to situations of which they have no control, no say in the matter and the broken can only hold out hope or deny hope of ever mending their broken hearts from loosing their child to forced adoption.
In adoption reunion, the parents want to pretend that they are whole, want their biological child to see the world that they exist as wonderful, when in fact they are broken, tormented by the loss of their adopted child and trying to go on living without their lost child. The past for biological parents is a place of darkness and humiliation of which they do not wish to elaborate.
The biological parents prefer to hide behind false smiles and tales of a triumphant and philosophical living. Many biological parents will exaggerate their achievements, their life is painted in a particular way for the adult adoptee that is not always true and usually seen as outright lies about themselves to make themselves look good to their biological child.
This false facade that I experienced with both my biological mother and father is extremely frustrating as adoptees refuse to live anymore under the weight of adoption lies, deceptions and secrets, especially by their real parents.
The first phase of adoption reunion is the false facade on all parties of adoption reunion, it takes time to get beyond the individual's vanity, the ego and get down to where the vulnerable human being still exists is where the truth can be eventually found in the biological parent's own personal truth.