The Dependable Psychological Abandoning of the Adult Adoptee
When the hate filled accusations without cause or logic that lead to the brake in the present continuity of the adoptees current trusting relationship, we sense all of "that familiar dreaded physiological-body feeling". The vile verbal words cut us down like being mowed, as we lay in front of the lawnmower acknowledging our unworthy, uselessness and helpless inability to control these unjust strikes against our worthless adopted lives. We were just kidding ourselves to believe that the lowly adopted child could possess such comfort, strength and mental trust in our immediate relationship before it ended. The attack on our sense of self, the destruction of our present world and the dread of knowing it will all eventually come to an end should have been expected, and prepared for by not giving in emotionally to relationships that will always return to brake our will, our sense of trust and being willing to love is proven to corrupt our survival. The trust in people, humanity and the mistrust of our own poor decisions to allow ourselves to be abandoned yet again by the very people we adore. The attack on our validity as a worthy human being proves that we were never worthy to receive love, we are only used by others to give our invalid adopted love and when those we trust grow tired of our pathetic state of receptiveness to compassion, we are discarded, trashed back to where we belong in the garbage.
The immediate signs that it is happening again, we are being torn away from our newest familiar. Then simultaneously as though we are shocked at the idea
of being yet again abandoned, being scorned and abruptly humiliated to dispose of the adopted child that lives within us, gotten rid-of and again banished by those that we do love and effortlessly trusted.
We are at first shocked by the new accusations, not ever expecting any such injustice against our stable adult continuity that we perceive as a shield against ever being abandoned again. The strike out against the vulnerable, helpless adopted child that dwells within the psyche of the adult adoptee. We are shocked, we fight back in a desperate attempt to proclaim our innocence is met with silence as our words are unwelcome, the adoptee's defense is not valid as we adoptee's were never considered legitimate human beings worthy of "the benefit of the doubt". We accept defeat, slither spineless into our cave of darkness where we accept the social consensus that we are worthless and not capable of having any form of normal human interaction, much less a trusted relationship.
My latest experience, everything is normal, no drama as I keep far away from potential situations by being a recluse. My biological relative calls me and I lovingly answer "How dare you steel from me", "I warned you that if you did I would knock your head off your shoulders", I replied "What is going on, Has something happened?" Relative "How dare you talk shit on MY Family" Hang-up.
As I only talk to this relative, Has she been listening to gossip, and What did she loose? I have not been to her home in 9 months. I try desperately to call her back but no answer. I begin the shaking, anxiety and uncontrolled emotional fatigue takes over my body.
I wonder why I am again the target for such vile treatment, do I possibly deserve it? This is predictable I know these feelings too well and I hate them, It feels like a break-up but the kind that makes me invisible to defend myself. Why do I have to defend myself? I've done nothing wrong. I haven't taken anything, and I don't talk to anyone. How can this be happening yet again. I am so stupid to become so emotionally attached, when I know that every person will eventually ditch me. I was never a stalker I live in too much fear. Can this be repaired?
But I should know better. I don't deserve to be treated like this, even as a lowly adult adoptee. She said that I had talked ship on her family- Is not her family MY Family Too? I guess it it not and never was my family to keep, only to meet once and they hope I will disappear. Maybe this is a kindness to break my heart before it brakes by those in my family that avoid me and don't want me around, that was always obviously true as they ignore me as though I am an outsider, of which is true.
The daylong suffering seemed to go on forever as being abandoned time after time gets worse to get over. The suffocating suffering keeps reminding you and questioning my previous conduct over and over in my head. What did I do? I was born and abandoned and adopted to push me as far away from my family as they wanted me gone forever to distance themselves from my illegitimacy.
That night the phone rings and everything is fine?
This is not how I wish to live in these dramatic schemes, yelling and malice is too much for me to take. I am still processing what has happened. Is there mental illness in the relative? Because the day's events has destroyed me and sometimes I feel like I will never recover from each attempt to crush me and brake my spirit. I am a recluse living in my safety circle of no outsiders, but the phone is still the tool that brings the social world drama in that is potentially destructive to my well-being and suicidal idealizations of which I prefer to avoid.
That's all for now.