The Trigger of My Adoptive Mother's Rage
that She Can See In The Adopted Child's Face
As long as I can remember, throughout my childhood and the last time it happened was on my 40th birthday, my adoptive mother would look at my face and become outraged to the point of threatening to strike me in the face.
There is something monumental about my big nose, dark eyes, straight black hair and my large round Cherokee Indian face...
That offends my adoptive mother, that makes her uncomfortable, that taunts her on some deep level of her existence and strikes fear in her heart to be afraid or to want to bash my face in.
As I have written about too many times on this blog about my adoptive mother's obsession or domination issues of mother saying that she is wanting to strike me in the face, she is verbally threatening to strike me in the face and striking me in the face because of the way that I look or the way I look at her. The last time this occurred I was 40 years old sitting in a restaurant opposite her reading the menu, when she threatened to strike me in the face because of the way I was looking at her, yet I was not looking at her at all while I read the menu.
What is it about the way I look that is so disturbing to her? In the case of the restaurant, she was clearly reading into her own insecurities, as it was my birthday and I have been conditioned to act pleasant on birthdays, I was actually having a good day up until the point that I was threatened with a beating to the face because she disliked my nasty looks.
There is something here that I am just not getting.
Something about the way I look at her. Now I was never allowed nor would I dare ever talk back to my adoptive mother as I was and have always been afraid of her punishing me, dumping off away from the family or ignoring me at home.
The consequences were always too great for any type of verbal or physical rebellion. Even when I was stark raving mad I still did not have a spine to confront my mother or talk back at her, as my voice would start to crackle and then go silent, I couldn't even scream in front of her if I wanted to.
I was always afraid of her and what she might do if I did truly do something bad. As I got in trouble for the stupid reasons, never did I even think of committing a childhood crime like sneaking out like all the other kids did.
If she even suspected that I did something or was in the process of doing some kid thing, I was punished. When I did nothing wrong, she would make something up and I would just sit there paralized, too afraid to defend myself against mom's drunk made-up story so she can punish me for looking guilty and not confessing to it.
She would say "I can see the lies are written all over your face"...."I want to slap that look off of your face", I'm gonna knock some sense into your face".
There's the face thing again...but why? Obviously I am adopted and will look nothing like your family, I can only look like my family being that it is genetic.
There must be something about my face that reminds her of someone she hates or would like to murder. Maybe she sees my fear of her in my face and she feels guilty about my dominated childhood of exclusion from the family.
Maybe My face reminds her of her past cruelty and rages against a little defenseless girl. Maybe my face reminds her of the replacement of me for her own dead child and her inability to grieve for her child, while being forced to care for an adopted child.
The child's face that is disapproving of her mother's drinking in bars, being laughing drunk and gambling at the racetracks with a small child that just wants to go home. For whatever it's worth I will not forget this repetitive "Face" problem, until more memories emerge.
To be continued............