About Adoptee Rage

Statistics Identify large populations of Adoptees in prisons, mental hospitals and committed suicide.
Fifty years of scientific studies on child adoption resulting in psychological harm to the child and
poor outcomes for a child's future.
Medical and psychological attempts to heal the broken bonds of adoption, promote reunions of biological parents and adult children. The other half of attempting to repair a severed Identity is counselling therapy to rebuild the self.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Adoptee Discontinuity of Dissonance


The Exploration of Adoptee Dissonance In the Discontinuity of Child & Adult Adoptee's Lives

In the Adoptee's search for truth the diluted truth is the norm of what we must sift through to reconstruct the puzzle of the displaced, the discarded and the silenced truths.

The adopted child's world is filled with conflict, taboo and silence. The adoptee's silence is seen as mental health and well-adjustment in the social culture, which is contradictory to the adoptee's self-truth,  self-satisfaction, self-acceptance. The truth of the adoptee's plight, if silence is maintained is seen as a healthy and normal mental status.
as long as the adoptee remains silent the adoptive family and social community sees the adopted child as acceptable behavior, but "not public or social acceptance".

Dissonance has several meanings, all related to conflict or   incongruity:
Consonance and dissonance in music are properties of an interval or chord (the quality of a discord)
  • Cognitive Dissonance is a state of mental conflict.
  • Dissonance in poetry is the deliberate avoidance of assonance, i.e. patterns of repeated vowel sounds. Dissonance in poetry is similar to cacophony and the opposite of euphony.
  • Cultural Dissonance is an uncomfortable sense experienced by people in the midst of change in their cultural environment.
  • In music, consonance and dissonance form a structural dichotomy in which the terms define each other by mutual exclusion: a consonance is what is not dissonant, and reciprocally. However, a finer consideration shows that the distinction forms a gradation, from the most consonant to the  most dissonant. Consonance and dissonance define a level of sweetness / harshness, pleasantness / unpleasantness, acceptability / unacceptability, of the sounds or intervals under consideration. As Hindemith stressed, "The two concepts have never been completely explained, and for a thousand years the definitions have varied" (Hindemith 1942, p. 85).
    The opposition can be made in different contexts:
    • In acoustics or psycho-physiology, the distinction may be objective. In modern times, it usually is based on the perception of harmonic partials of the sounds considered, to such an extent that the distinction really holds only in the case of harmonic sounds (i.e. sounds with harmonic partials).
    • In music, even if the opposition often is founded of the preceding, objective distinction, it more often is subjective, conventional, cultural, and style-dependent. Dissonance can then be defined as a combination of sounds that does not belong to the style under consideration; in recent music, what is considered stylistically dissonant may even correspond to what is said consonant in the context of acoustics (e.g. a major triad in atonal music).
    In both cases, the distinction mainly concerns simultaneous sounds; if successive sounds are considered, their consonance or dissonance depends on the memorial retention of the first sound while the second is heard. For this reason, consonance and dissonance have been considered particularly in the case of polyphonic Occidental music, and the present article is concerned mainly with this case.
    Most historical definitions of consonance and dissonance since about the 16th century have stressed their pleasant/unpleasant, or agreeable/disagreeable character. This may be justifiable in a psycho-physiological context, but much less in a musical context properly speaking: dissonances often play a decisive role in making music pleasant, even in a generally consonant context – which is one of the reasons why the musical definition of consonance/dissonance cannot match the psycho-physiologic definition. In addition, the oppositions pleasant/unpleasant or agreeable/disagreeable evidence a confusion between the concepts of 'dissonance' and of 'noise'.
    While consonance and dissonance exist only between sounds and therefore necessarily describe intervals (or chords), Occidental music theory often considers that, in a dissonant chord, one of the tones alone is in itself the dissonance: it is this tone in particular that needs "resolution" through a specific voice leading.
In psychology,cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.

Leon Festinger's theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how humans strive for internal consistency. 
When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding situations and information which are likely to increase it.

The Dependable Psychological Abandoning of the Adult Adoptee


The Dependable Psychological Abandoning of the Adult Adoptee

When the hate filled accusations without cause or logic that lead to the brake in the present continuity of the adoptees current trusting relationship, we sense all of "that familiar dreaded physiological-body feeling". The vile verbal words cut us down like being mowed, as we lay in front of the lawnmower acknowledging our unworthy, uselessness and helpless inability to control these unjust strikes against our worthless adopted lives. We were just kidding ourselves to believe that the lowly adopted child could possess such comfort, strength and mental trust in our immediate relationship before it ended. The attack on our sense of self, the destruction of our present world and the dread of knowing it will all eventually come to an end should have been expected, and prepared for by not giving in emotionally to relationships that will always return to brake our will, our sense of trust and being willing to love is proven to corrupt our survival. The trust in people, humanity and the mistrust of our own poor decisions to allow ourselves to be abandoned yet again by the very people we adore. The attack on our validity as a worthy human being proves that we were never worthy to receive love, we are only used by others to give our invalid adopted love and when those we trust grow tired of our pathetic state of receptiveness to compassion, we are discarded, trashed back to where we belong in the garbage.

The immediate signs that it is happening again, we are being torn away from our newest familiar. Then simultaneously as though we are shocked at the idea
of being yet again abandoned, being scorned and abruptly humiliated to dispose of the adopted child that lives within us, gotten rid-of and again banished by those that we do love and effortlessly trusted.

We are at first shocked by the new accusations, not ever expecting any such injustice against our stable adult continuity that we perceive as a shield against ever being abandoned again. The strike out against the vulnerable, helpless adopted child that dwells within the psyche of the adult adoptee. We are shocked, we fight back in a desperate attempt to proclaim our innocence is met with silence as our words are unwelcome, the adoptee's defense is not valid as we adoptee's were never considered legitimate human beings worthy of "the benefit of the doubt".  We accept defeat, slither spineless into our cave of darkness where we accept the social consensus that we are worthless and not capable of having any form of normal human interaction, much less a trusted relationship.

My latest experience, everything is normal, no drama as I keep far away from potential situations by being a recluse. My biological relative calls me and I lovingly answer "How dare you steel from me", "I warned you that if you did I would knock your head off your shoulders", I replied "What is going on, Has something happened?" Relative "How dare you talk shit on MY Family" Hang-up.
As I only talk to this relative, Has she been listening to gossip, and What did she loose? I have not been to her home in 9 months. I try desperately to call her back but no answer. I begin the shaking, anxiety and uncontrolled emotional fatigue takes over my body.
I wonder why I am again the target for such vile treatment, do I possibly deserve it? This is predictable I know these feelings too well and I hate them, It feels like a break-up but the kind that makes me invisible to defend myself. Why do I have to defend myself? I've done nothing wrong. I haven't taken anything, and I don't talk to anyone. How can this be happening yet again. I am so stupid to become so emotionally attached, when I know that every person will eventually ditch me. I was never a stalker I live in too much fear. Can this be repaired?
But I should know better. I don't deserve to be treated like this, even as a lowly adult adoptee. She said that I had talked ship on her family- Is not her family MY Family Too? I guess it it not and never was my family to keep, only to meet once and they hope I will disappear. Maybe this is a kindness to break my heart before it brakes by those in my family that avoid me and don't want me around, that was always obviously true as they ignore me as though I am an outsider, of which is true.

The daylong suffering seemed to go on forever as being abandoned time after time gets worse to get over. The suffocating suffering keeps reminding you and questioning my previous conduct over and over in my head. What did I do? I was born and abandoned and adopted to push me as far away from my family as they wanted me gone forever to distance themselves from my illegitimacy.

That night the phone rings and everything is fine?
This is not how I wish to live in these dramatic schemes, yelling and malice is too much for me to take. I am still processing what has happened. Is there mental illness in the relative? Because the day's events has destroyed me and sometimes I feel like I will never recover from each attempt to crush me and brake my spirit. I am a recluse living in my safety circle of no outsiders, but the phone is still the tool that brings the social world drama in that is potentially destructive to my well-being and suicidal idealizations of which I prefer to avoid.

That's all for now. 

Monday, April 27, 2015

The Adoptee The Butt of Many Family Jokes and the Family Joke.


One of Many Jokes at the Adult Adoptee's Expense

The third or fourth escape and kick out of the adoptive family. Again in a new city I was gone out of sight trying to exist and maintain normality that was unknown to me. During this time my adoptive mother turned forty. The friends had a big "40th" birthday party for her at the bar she frequented. The cops came in to the bar "looking for her adult adopted child" to the adoptive mother's surprise the cop was a stripper hired by adoptive father & her friends to entertain. I was yet again the butt of the family jokes. They all had such a great laugh, so predictable to attack my nature and disposition as an outsider. The humiliation of me was greatly enjoyed by all adoptive family and friends as a predictable next sighting of me wanted by the police for some crime.
As I wrote this memory today, I told my husband as he walked out to his car for work. He asks me " who told you this?" I said "my parents, their friends and the pictures of the cop coming into the bar to speak to my mother were verbally captioned to document the hilarity of the cop coming to the party. I said why? Don't you believe me? He said it was not normal, un-fathomable for normal people to act that way...He said "can you imagine my parents involved is such a disturbing scene as that?
I said never! They are normal parents that actually  love their nine children, they wouldn't have thought it funny in the least. He said "I can't believe they even would tell you such a humiliating story where you were the focus of a possible arrest by law enforcement......His parents did not hang out in bars, they were home with their family. 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Social Service Adoption Corruption & Exploitation of Adopted Children


Predictable Social Service Adoption Corruption
Human Cargo Adoptions-Exploitation of the Adopted

One Child's Unending Abuse - From Disney World Girl to Drifter

Lawyer: Young Internet child porn victim should be paid up to $100 million in damages for alleged mistreatment by Pa. child services and adoption system
March 19, 2008
A lawyer who represented a young girl who was adopted from Russia by a Pennsylvania man and sexually abused and exploited for five years claims the girl's new adoptive mother has physically abused and neglected her, including withholding important medical and psychiatric treatment that would help the young victim move forward in her life.
The attorney, James Marsh, of White Plains, New York, filed a notice of claim in the name of Masha Elizabeth Allen, demanding that Allegheny County, the county Office of Children, Youth and Family, the county Office of Human Services, the Families United Network, Inc., and various individuals associated with those groups, pay Masha up to $100 million in damages for placing her with her adoptive mother, known as Faith Allen. The notice of claim will preserve Masha's right to sue the organizations and individuals any time until she is 21, according to Marsh.
According to the claim filing, which is dated Feb. 7, 2007, Faith Allen, also known as Lynn Ginn, subjected Masha to physical and mental abuse and failed to get her some form of consistent therapy. The blame, according to the filing, falls squarely on the shoulders of the institutions and organizations meant to protect Masha for not properly investigating Faith and her ability to be a mother to a sexually abused girl.
The institutions' and individuals' actions "have caused Masha substantial physical, psychological and emotional damage, as well as compensatory damages," the claim filing says. "The respondents ...had a duty to Masha to reasonably investigate and supervise any potential adoptive home for her and to fully disclose to the court and other professionals any possible concerns prior to her adoption. The respondents had a professional responsibility to Masha to protect her physical, psychological and emotional best interests. Each of these duties was breached and violated, resulting in extensive ongoing damage to Masha."
Marsh declined to talk on the record about the claim notice. It's important to remember in this case that Faith has accused Marsh of stalking and harassment, as is noted in an affidavit filed by Paulette "Skeet" Roy, a deputy in the Douglas County, Georgia, Sheriff's Office, in April, 2007.
In the middle of this storm is 15-year-old Masha, who has endured abuse and exploitation since her journey from a Russian orphanage to the home of a rabid pedophile in Pennsylvania.
Mariya Nikolaevna Yashenkova, known in the U.S. as Masha Elizabeth Allen, was five-years-old in 1998 when 41-year-old Matthew Mancuso adopted her from a Russian orphanage and brought her to his home in the small western Pennsylvania hamlet of Plum. Over the next five years, Mancuso sexually abused and exploited Masha, videotaping and photographing her in various stages of abuse, and posting the images on the internet to share with others members of an online community of pedophiles and child pornography fans. One series of photos showed Masha being abused in a hotel room that was later determined to be in a resort at Disney World in Florida, leading to Masha's infamous moniker, the Disney World girl.[1]
From left to right, Congressman Phil Gingrey, Masha and Faith Allen shortly before Masha’s congressional testimony to the Energy and Commerce’s Subcommittee on Investigation and Oversight on May 3, 2006.
Masha was rescued by the FBI in 2003 after an undercover online operation led to Mancuso's arrest for sharing child pornography. Officers who arrested Mancuso at his home found Masha, who was severely undernourished. Mancuso reportedly forced Masha to eat only peanut butter sandwiches, and avoid vegetables and pasta, inorder to delay the onset of puberty. Mancuso was sentenced to 15 years on child pornography charges and 35 years to 70 years for his abuse of Masha. Masha was quickly placed with a foster parent, a young woman who went by the name Faith Elizabeth Allen. Faith eventually adopted Masha in 2004.
Masha gained national prominence after her rescue by appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show and CNN with then-host Nancy Grace to talk about her story. She was also the subject of a newspaper article in the LA Times. On May 10, 2006, Masha testified before the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Subcommitee on Oversight and Investigations about her experience. A law that bears her name, Masha's Law, set stiffer penalties for downloading child pornography from the Internet.[2][3]
But behind the scenes, Masha was not doing so well. On Jan. 12, 2004, the Allegheny County Office of Children, Youth and Family, the Allegheny County Department of Human Services and the Families United Network, Inc. filed a report that Masha was not completing homework and that her school thought she could do a better on tests if she studied harder. On April 1, 2004, the organizations filed a report that Masha's mobile therapy had been discontinued and that she was being treated at an uncertified institution.
Faith officially adopted Masha in May, 2004, during which ceremony Pennsylvania Superior Court Judge Cheryl Allen presided. Judge Allen had sheltered Faith after the troubled young woman graduated from a drug and alcohol abuse clinic. [4] Judge Allen said in a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article in 2004 that she was slightly concerned about Faith becoming a foster mother because of her past experiences, but her concerns were reportedly assuaged after she saw Faith with her foster children. "She has a deep capacity to love," Allen said in a 2004 article with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, written by Barbara White Stack. "If anything, my biggest concern now is that she wants to help everybody."
In December, 2004, Faith and Masha suddenly moved to Georgia. In March 2006, Masha expressed the desire to commit suicide. She was hospitalized at Summit Ridge Center for Psychiatry and Addiction Medicine in Lawrenceville, Ga. Summit Ridge recommended that Masha undergo extensive therapy, including a home therapeutic plan for Faith to follow. According to the claim notice obtained byWikileaks, Masha received no mental health treatment of any kind between February 2006 and December 2006. Faith and Masha came under the supervision of the Georgia Department of Families and Children on or about Oct. 1, 2006.
Masha's claim states that she has been subject to physical and mental abuse since she was first placed with Faith. She has received little or no mental health treatment and her basic medical needs have been neglected, despite the traumatic abuse she suffered at the hands of Mancuso. Masha has moved nine times since 2003 and attended five schools during that period.
It appears that Masha, who was placed by an adoption agency in New Jersey with Mancuso without subsequent follow up, has been failed a second time by the county and state services that are supposed to protect her. Faith was a questionable candidate to be the adoptive mother of an abused young girl. Masha's leaked notice of claim reveals that at the time of Masha's placement, the Families United Network had removed two children from Faith's care because of alleged physical abuse. FUN had instructed its staff to not place any more children with Faith.
Also, Faith may or may not have been the victim of physical and sexual abuse as a young girl. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article said Faith had been physically abused by an alcoholic mother and sexually abused by her step-father. But Faith had also allegedly made up tales of membership in a Satanic cult and inflicted pain on herself for attention, according to a short testimonial written by Dr. Marion Spellman, founder, CEO and chairman of Peniel, located in Johnstown, Pa, a drug-and-alcohol treatment center from which Faith had graduated. The testimonial is no longer on Peniel's website.
In 2004, Faith accused a member of her church, Potter's House Ministries, of inappropriately touching her while she was in a hypnotic state. The trial against Charles Brown, a member of Potter's House, took place after Faith had already adopted Masha. Faith had surreptitiously videotaped one of the hypnosis counseling sessions, during which Brown can be seen allegedly fondling Faith. But the judge presiding over the trial found that Faith appeared not to be in a hypnotic state and was conversing with Brown. Brown's attorney also brought in witnesses who testified that Faith had shown the videotape to various members of the church, including a minor, before she took it to police. One witness, Marie Johnson, testified that Faith showed her the videotape, laughed while the two viewed it, and told Johnson she wanted to make Brown her boyfriend. Brown was found not guilty of indecent assault.
At this time, Masha remains with Faith and appears unable to get the care and treatment she needs to move beyond her traumatic past. Masha's claim notice states that the proper authorities, the county Office of Children, Youth and Family, the county Office of Human Services, the Families United Network, Inc., and various individuals associated with those groups, failed to adequately monitor Masha's placement with Faith and failed to adequately investigate Faith as an appropriate foster parent.
It should be noted that the mainstream media never questioned Masha's placement with Faith in various articles and broadcasts.




  1.  http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05236/558935.stm
  2.  http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0601/18/ng.01.html
  3.  http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200601/20060117/slide_20060117_284_207.jhtml
  4.  http://www.post-gazette.com/pg04135/316220.stm

LINK:www.wikileaks.org/one_child's unending_abuse_-_from_disney_world_girl_to_drifter

Adoptee Lisa Morgan Tells Her Story Of Childhood Abuse Perpetrated By The Adoptive Mother


Adoptee Lisa Morgan Tells Of Her Adopted Childhood Abuse at the Hands Of Her Adoptive Mother, Later convicted in United kingdom Court.

(Link to Full Article & Images Below)

A woman subjected to a decade of abuse at the hands of her cruel adoptive mother has spoken of her ordeal for the first time.
Christine Morgan forced her adopted daughter to drink bleach from a cloth used to clean toilets during her ten-year reign of terror.
The violence also included holding the child’s head under the bath water until she couldn’t breathe and threatening to kill her.
Lisa Morgan, who was adopted when she was two-years-old, has now spoken out after her mother was convicted of cruelty against her.
Miss Morgan, 27, reported the crimes to police after suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome, caused by the childhood abuse, as an adult.
She said: 'I never want a child to suffer in the way I did. Nobody capable of such violence should be able to adopt a defenseless child.
'I feel let down and angry that I was left to suffer at her hands for so long. Social services could have saved me but they missed the signs and believed every word she said.
'I doubt I will ever get over what happened to me but I hope speaking out might save another child from the same hell I went through.'
Miss Morgan was adopted at the age of two, but the abuse started when she was four-years-old.
She said: 'For as long as I could remember mum had treated me differently to my brother who was also adopted.
'I was kept locked in my room and dressed in dirty clothes. If I asked for something to eat she would slap me in the face.
'I was bullied and teased at school for being smelly, but mother did not care.
Miss Morgan once asked her mother why she treated her so badly.
'She told me she had wanted to adopt twin baby boys but they had gone to another mother and she got left with me instead.
'I wondered why she had gone ahead with the adoption if she did not want me. I dreamed of her taking me back to a children's home so another family could have me.
'I did not understand what I had done so wrong for her to despise me as she did.'
As she grew older Miss Morgan said the beatings got worse and her adoptive mother often left her covered in bruises.
'She would grab me around the throat and tell me to die.
'It was not unusual for her to smack me until my skin was bright red and pull my hair out in clumps.'
One day Morgan held her adopted daughter's head under the bath water, leaving the young girl fearing she would die.
'I really thought that was it. I came up gasping for air lucky to be alive.' 
Another time her mother forced a bleach soaked rag used to clean toilets into her mouth.
'I had been playing on the stairs and she just got angry and grabbed me and dragged me into the bathroom where she had been cleaning.
'She had the dirty rag in her hand, got me in a hold and rammed it into my mouth.
'It was burning like acid and I was gagging. Eventually I managed to escape from her grip to run to my room to throw up.'
Miss Morgan claims there were several missed opportunities to rescue her from the abuse.
She said: 'One day two women turned up from social services. The school must have told them about my bruises. But mum was a good actress and told them I was just clumsy so they went away again.
'I remember breaking down because I knew then I was never going to be saved.'
She said Morgan’s husband also colluded with her to keep the abuse hidden by backing up her lies.
Miss Morgan said: 'I was upset but I never blamed him. I could see he was afraid of her too and I honestly think he did not know how bad it was because most of it happened when he was at work.
'He was also scared of losing me because he knew social services would take me away if they knew about the abuse.'
It was only after he passed away when she was 17 that Miss Morgan found the strength to leave.
'Without dad the abuse got even worse. I couldn’t take anymore. I confided in a friend who let me stay with her.'
Eventually she found a job and a flat and worked all hours to block out the memories of her childhood.
But, she said, no matter how hard she tried, she could not forget.
She said: 'I suffered flashbacks and nightmares. I would dream I was six years old again with my head under the water gasping for breath.'
Her General Physician referred her for counselling, but Miss Morgan says talking about the abuse made the flashbacks even worse.
One day she suffered a breakdown and found herself at her local police station asking for help.
She said: 'For the first time someone listened. I made a statement and mum was arrested.'
Christine Morgan, 61, appeared at Southampton Crown Court last year.
She denied the charges and Miss Morgan gave evidence from behind a screen.
During the hearing Elizabeth Bussey-Jones, prosecuting, said: 'She describes from a very early age being subjected to various forms of verbal abuse, being told by Christine Morgan that she hated her, that she was a waste of space and that she wanted to kill her.
'She recalls various acts of violence towards her which vary from being pinned up by the throat against a wall, being smacked and having her hair pulled.'
The jury found her mother guilty and she was convicted on two cruelty charges.
Morgan was warned to expect jail but because of her failing health Judge Gary Burrell handed her a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered her to complete 200 hours of unpaid work.
She was also told to pay £1,500 in costs.
Miss Morgan has now said: 'I was devastated by the sentence. It didn’t seem fair for what she put me through. But it helped me accept that there was nothing wrong with me and I did not deserve the abuse.
'I was a child who needed a loving home and instead I got placed with that lunatic.
'She didn’t know the first thing about being a mother and should never have been allowed anywhere near a child.
'I am sharing my story because I don't want anything like this to happen to another vulnerable child.'

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

the Lost daughter's post emotionally provocative and thought Inspiring


The Lost Daughters.com, This Excellent Summary of How The Adoptee Delicately Holds His Rage Within. This Post Is Emotionally Moving to me! Please Read:

To Read the Full Article Click on Link Below

Please listen.

Please believe.


* * *
Dear Adoptive Parents,

I have anger.

I have more rage than I can contain at times.

Sometimes it possesses me, and I lose all control.

I'm not proud of it. It's not something that I enjoy.

But that's just the thing--it is in these moments, when I hurt so deeply that all I can feel is rage and and hate, that I need those closest to me to be willing to see beyond it, to recognize that it's not something that I want to feel, that it's not something that I'm trying to inflict upon you. And in fact, that it's really not about you.

I know it can feel like it's about you. And I know that it can hurt when this rage and anger come out in unhealthy ways. I know you feel that it threatens you.

But if only you could see that it's not about you, even when it looks and feels like it is about you. If only you could see what is behind the rage. If only you could see what I am using the rage to protect myself from--pain. 

Profound, crushing, unspeakable pain.

It's about the fact that the wounds of being separated, left, relinquished, abandoned--whatever you want to call it--from the very ones who were supposed to hold onto me no matter what are just so deep and irrevocable and consuming that they crush me at times. 

It's about the rage and the pain that I feel that no one showed my original mother compassion, that no one was willing to help her in her utter despair and distress. 

It's about the confusion and turmoil I feel toward God and the Church when I am told time and time again that this was God's plan--to separate me from my own flesh and blood, from the woman who bore me in her own body--and yet I am supposed to feel grateful and joyful.

It's about the fact that there are moments that I am overcome with a grief so suffocating, so burdensome, so wild that I do not know what to do with myself--

And so I explode. I rage. I scream. I let all that I am feeling swell and erupt, like a torrent of terror and horror.

Because for so long, I have been taught to hold it in. For so long, I have been treated as though the effects of the trauma I experienced did not exist. Because for too long I was expected to be the "good adoptee" who is grateful and unaffected. Because for so long, I have tried to tell myself that I can live as an adopted person without feeling deep things.

For so long I have tried to do this alone--because for so long I have felt like Medusa with a head of snakes--my horror makes me untouchable. Unlovable. 

But ultimately, what I need is someone who is willing to love me through the rage--not in spite of it, but because of it.

To see that the rage comes from a place of profound pain and hurt.

If only you could reach beyond the rage. I know it is a lot to ask, but it is what I need. 

Because there are times that I cannot but doubt that there is any human capable of loving me through such intense rage, such consuming pain.

And how can I blame anyone?

It is hard to love someone who feels unlovable.

At times, you may see a happy, well-adjusted adoptee. I may smile and laugh and hug and say "I love you--I'm so grateful to be adopted." But, inside, I am hiding deep pain, confusion, turmoil, grief, and guilt. And I feel trapped, unable to even acknowledge much less share this darkness within me. So I hide it. I cover it up. I cover it up so well that I forget that it's even there. I forget it so perfectly that I deny that it even exists. I convince myself that I feel nothing--other than what I am told to feel: gratitude, joy, peace. 

Although I have taught myself to forget--my heart and mind never do. Although the pain may be buried so deeply that everyone around me is convinced of the contentment I feel with my life, deep down my heart and mind still grieve, still hurt. All is well...until one day, something inexplicable begins to break through, seep out, little by little...

And unless, you are willing to see beyond the veneer or beyond the rage, my feelings of isolation and alienation may dangerously increase.

So, please, listen to me.

Believe me.

I am not looking for pity. 
I am looking for understanding.

I'm sharing this not for myself but for those who read it--for adoptees and adoptive parents and anyone who loves an adoptee.

I cannot help but think of the slew of adoptive parents--so many of whom claim to be Christians--that I have encountered over the years that reject and dismiss those whom they call "angry adoptees." 

And I think of them as I share these words, hoping that perhaps they will stumble across my words, and read them with the realization that these words could one day be the very words of their own children. And I hope that they will realize that how they choose to respond in such moments of intense emotion means everything.

To realize that it's not about them.

And that it never was to begin with.

So, please, let go of yourself and love your child without condition (who will grow to become an adult no matter what you do) through the rage and anger, the hurt and pain, the questions and doubts. 

Don't fear it.

Don't run from it.

Run into it. With arms wide open.


An Adult Adoptee

BEAUTIFUL and Thought Provoking Voices

The Primal Wounding, Adverse Experiences From Maternal Bond Severing on the Adopted Child & Adult Adoptee


Adverse Effects of The Primal Wounding In Adopted Children & Adult Adoptees

The long term effects from the intentional infliction of this permanent psychological Injury to the infant's ego, psyche and the damaging the infant's primal inherent ability to trust is based in the maternal bond's formation of safety proximity and the infant's trust through his maternal bond. When the infant's maternal bond is severed at birth the child is traumatized pre-verbally the memory of the trauma is physical and emotionally paralyzing to the infant's inexperience and psychological grief consumes the newborn infant's ability to psychologically understand the trauma that is experienced by the infant through his emotions, physical body and psychologically effected by the trauma that provokes the infant's expected emotional grief state and status of uncontrollable dissatisfied state of existing.
The rupture of the infant's maternal bond creates the state of consistent mistrust in the caregivers, adoptive mother, and all others that constitute a self fulfilling prophecy of failed relationship formation, failed relationship maintenance, failed future relationships premature endings.
All future relationships to other human beings will never be seen by the adopted child as natural, these future relationships will not bring the adoptee comfort, only the miserable impending doom of eventual future abandonment which is expected yet will always surprise the adoptee as the adoptee dreads the reality that all relationships with the adoptee will eventually and predictably come to an abrupt, unexpected or long and drawn out endings.

The event of severing the infant's maternal bond, the infant's primary attachment from conception through birth has been documented scientifically, theorized, reconstructed through scientific method and proven throughout the decades in the voices of adopted children, adult adoptee's and their testimonies has been explored, studied, extrapolated, documented and studied since the 1940's.

The Primal Wound Theory has been the topic of great controversy among "the Anti-Adoptee Movement", the adoptive parent's and the adoption Industry that attempts to discredit, invalidate and silence adoptees including all scientific explanations for the recurring, common and repeated issues, problems and consequences that adopted children and adult adoptees suffering from as a group and population of displaced people.

The Anti-Adoptee Movement attempts to silence adoptee voices with scientific sabotage, web site infiltration, and burying adoptee sensitive data within the internet where it becomes inaccessible to adoptees attempting to self educate, self heal and arming themselves with self knowledge of to understand the injustices that they have been assaulted with through forced child adoption silence.

The Adverse Effects of Primal Wounding
The forced development of an immature infant's ego development and forced self actualization of infants 12+ months before the infant is naturally ready to self-separate and become independent from the child's biological mother. The forced severing and separation teaches and conditions the infant to be accepting of isolation from the infant's own biological family, and unconsciously non-accepting of the substitute adoptive parents and adoptive family.
Although consciously the adopted child institutes hyper vigilance to adapt to the foreign environment.
Unconsciously we do not choose to integrate, consciously we strive to survive the adoption ordeal by our complacent behavior or "acting out" to instigate the self fulfilling prophecy. It has been said by many adoptee adoption trained psychologists that the adopted child that expresses efforts in acting out is the most psychologically healthy of the two types of adopted children, where the submissive, quiet and compliant adoptee is the unhealthy child responding to the adoption paradox by adapting through fear.

Due to the fact that adopted children do not trust their adoptions, they do not experience or allow others to penetrate the adopted child's walls of personal boundary, and the growing cognitive knowledge and understanding that like being born, adoption is a temporary time sensitive childhood duration event and is not forever, despite the adoption industry marketing. Adoptee's play the adoption game to keep the peace, they play the adopted child role to make their home life less miserable and work at keeping their adoptive parent's happy in ignorant bliss that the adoptive parent's have created and prefer to live there.

When adoptees reach adulthood, they engage in multiple rocky and unstable sexually based relationships, as intimacy is virtually unknown to adoptee's immature upbringings. Adoptees make great temporary lovers but crumble as we are unable to see into the future, unable to plan or save money for future as the future does not exist in adopted child's-adult adoptee reasoning. There is no mastery of the time concept or continuity with time, we can only conceptualize the now and have no ability to plan future events. But adoptees lack control and control of time both concepts that are difficult puzzle pieces to adoptee's confusion and lack of adult skills with which to understand and manipulate or control.
Similar to the adoptee's need for control, as we have never owned our own bodies or lives, we have never owned ourselves, and we are sold into marriage before we have any concept of ourselves, a new owner takes over our lives as we must follow to do as we are told to survive.  
Adoptees are treated as the perpetual child, and the adopted child is never taken seriously in the adoptive family. Never are we valid or have what it takes to in their eyes be independent, we are and will always be seen as forever children as we were not born to our adoptive parents, so the natural progression of age will never make sense to adoptive parents. They simply can not fathom the adult in their forever adopted child. We are their perpetual owned adopted child that will never grow up, be smart enough to make adult decisions, or be respected by adoptive parents....they only see the adopted child, which a child does not receive respect from his parents.

The anti social adoptee is the final outcome, the society that labeled us in the first place is the society that wishes us to remain silent and grateful to the adoption industry for taking us away from our parents, family tribe and culture. They believe that they saved us from something, of which they deserve public recognition and praise. We adoptees see that our lives were stolen, hijacked and kidnapped from our heritage where we ultimately belong, but our society does not want our healing, our sanity or our choices and voices. They want our silence and the status quote to remain for the adoption industry to thrive in wealth. Stealing the children from their mother's arms makes adoptor's happy and satisfied.
We are expected to be too many things to too many people and never true to ourselves as we play the adopted child role, we are lying to ourselves, our biological family, and lying to our spiritual wellbeing.

When we keep playing the adoption game we are ruining any chance for healing, returning half way between where we belong, as it no longer remains. Our lives have gone one with out us as we are absent from the lives we could have had. We don't belong with the adoptive family and we don't belong with our biological families either. There is no where that will fulfill the bleeding gash left by child adoption in our hearts. The only familiarity we can find is a common allegiance with other adoptee's suffering in silence, there is no place in the world that adoptee's belong to except isolation, seclusion and recluse.
Omitted from society is where we can exist without the words of condemnation, where we can move on from the society that used us up and threw us away.
Outside of the social realm is where I have found an existence that I can remain without the social words that condemn me useless to my society.