"Happy Abandonment Day" .....Adopted Child
Today is that dreaded day for me, not because of vanity or ego of which I chose to abandon. This dire, awful day and the day that is threatening to my existence and human psyche is to be abandoned at birth by the only person I've known for 40 weeks.
The birthday for the adopted child is the Abandoning day where we survive the 43 pounds per square inch of the uterus contractions, tremendous squeezing out of the infant from his only world of comfort and safe existence. I am traumatically expelled out into the blinding, cold and cruel world to experience further traumatic assault to my being, I am abandoned.
The worst case scenarios have play out my miserable life of which I would have been better off aborted than adopted. I can say this with great reverence, as I am now a 47 year old adult that in my existential mindset. I have intentionally refused corrective medical intervention to repair my genetic heart condition that allows my heart to randomly stop. If my heart stops again, on this day, I would welcome death with open arms, as life has not been worth the suffering that plagues my plight as an adopted child.
The struggle with living each day as an abandoned adopted child is mine alone, and we are expected to suffer alone, "preferably in silence" as nobody wants to hear it. My own husband and children, family etc. are sick of adoption related knowledge, research, and they feel like I am annoyingly punishing them if I speak about it. They clearly do not want to hear it.
No one understands or wants to know the plight I feel inside as a forever suffering adopted child., No one cares, they can't relate, can't be bothered and no one would waste their time and efforts reading anything about the adopted child's lifelong struggle with day to day living in solitude from others, love ones and the outside world. As they only know or see what they want to see, the compliant,
But today is Abandonment Day, and my family is annoyed at my unhappy birthday indifference, they don't understand why I am so unhappy. Yet they don't want another adoptee lecture about adoption related suffering and pain. I am sure they think "why can't mom just be happy", Well the easiest answer is that I have dedicated my extra time on this earth to living in truth. To being true to myself and not playing the adoption game that I was conditioned to be submissive, compliant and people pleasing.
When I engage in these compliant adopted child behaviors, I am lying to myself. I have to be true to myself by acknowledging my adopted child abuse, acknowledging that I am not alright and have never been OK in my life. This is my truth and especially on this day of abandonment I have to acknowledge the fact for what it is-Abandonment. My mother Abandoned me at birth, and I am not grateful for being adopted to replace that dead baby. That was not in my best interest, and it crippled me psychologically forever.
Not Happy Birthday- that is for those biological children's day to celebrate their birth into their family, I was not born under these circumstances.
My birth was an atrocity, a public humiliation and act of great shame born out of wedlock for my maternal family. I was banished from my family at birth.
I was not a joyous event for my mother, I am the epitome of her shame being born her illegitimate child. I was not loved, I was never cherished, Nor was I chosen. I was placed out of foster care to replace a families dead stillborn child.
So this Birthday Day only brings me sorrow, shame and tears off my bloody scabs of adoption related shame. My scars are torn open on this day every year, scars that hold in all of my pain, shame and humiliation that I am expected to keep quiet about forever to be accepted as second class in the society that labeled me at birth a bastard child. The bastard child with only one use or purpose in society to serve the desires of the adopting parents, never to be an individual or self actualize myself as an independent person. I am not a person, I am a forever adopted child that turned 47 years old today, on Abandonment Day.