Growing Up As the Family's "Adopted Shame"
I am the adopted family's shame. Being constantly reminded of my shameful nature, that is inevitable by being born illegitimate to a socially designated slut. Only the socially unacceptable, loose and morally corrupt woman would become pregnant and abandon her illegitimate bastard child to the state. I grew up knowing and being constantly reminded that not only was my mother a sinner, unacceptable as a person, but her offspring was also the epitome or poster child for Christian sin. Born from sin, living as sin and the only good that could redeem my sinful nature was the "savior" in the form of the legitimate married Christian woman that could transform my innate evil nature, bastardness and illegitimate nature into acceptable Christian follower. But this was not the case, I was not redeemed in the eyes of society or in the eyes of the church congregation or local community. I was an outsider in a cohesive community, and the adoptive mother's constant reminders that I was an outsider to the adoptive family. I was reprimanded before I spoke, acted or thought about any action. I was punished to remind me that my place was stationed far below the social status of one of the community's favorite, financial contributing, upstanding town families. The shame I carry has grown heavy over my life, but as an innocent child I needed to be reminded frequently. The permanent hand print on my face was proof of my training to be silent, to be unseen and not herd.
Never to talk without first being addressed by my adoptive parent. I was expected to be silent, submissive and lady-like. Although I never received instruction of what "lady like" meant, It was just another word that I would be struck in the face for failing to do it, failing to be lady-like, over and over again slapped in the face. Some behaviors become more of a habit, like smoking. As my adoptive mother would slap me in the face for any and no reason, like a physical tic, she would strike me in the face for what she thought was a disapproving look especially while she was driving the car and we were both facing forward. I was always told that I should be ashamed of myself, and I did truly feel ashamed and always do feel ashamed of myself, as mother has told me to be. My adoptive mother has instilled in me the shame I am entitled to feel and the state of shame I feel then and now is real and believed as true. My shameful self, my shameful state, my personal shame I feel inside and the shame I see in myself is all true and valid. As my adoptive mother has worked so hard to instill in me the importance of me knowing that I should feel shame about my existence, my nature and my future self that I should always know and feel that I am a shamed of myself. My adoptive mother has stressed the importance of my learning from her words, "do as I say, not as I do" and I will always submit to her domination and control as my shameful nature is corrupt and I can never trust my shameful nature. I should always be ashamed of myself and never forget my shame.
I was always told that my place in the world is the adopted child in the family and without her social status I am nothing in the world. Without my adoptive mother's acknowledgement or acceptance, I do not exist.
I must always remember that I do not exist without
the favor of the adoptive family that allows me to exist in the world as their shame.