Category: Adoptee Search & Reunion
Topic: Adoptee's Search & Bond Difficulty
Recently reading "Ways to Ruin Adoption Reunion"
(By Claudia Corrigan Darcy)
As I have gone through the cycle of reunion and feel more alienated from other human connections than
ever, I feel as though my life should never have been. There is always too much interference from others trying to help, trying to make money off of adoptee searches, adoptive parent's making reunion about them and butting in to my detriment, making disturbing and selfish ultimatums and ultimately wanting, hoping and expecting my birth parents reunion to fail miserably as they say, just like my life.
#1) Adoption Reunion is only about the adoptee and the maternal family and the paternal family separately.
#2) No one can comprehend or understand the adoptee except other adoptees.
#3) The biological mother and father are alive inside the psyche of the adopted child since conception, their presence has never left, the connection has always existed and will always exist weather there is a relationship, a connection or not.
#4) Learn about the psychology, sociology and the dynamics of human relationships first. Read about what they are and how other people interact on an educational level. The human relationship is a difficult science and when you are adopted you suffered from maternal depravity and attachment disorder that is learned during the primal maternal bond with the biological mother. Substitutes do not count, and the inability to interact with comfort, self-awareness and self esteem within relationships is a challenge for any adoptee. As we did not attend life-school on that day.
#5) Adopted child abuse brings the biological parent's shame and horror, they may not be ready to deal with your pain, if they have not addressed their own wounds, shame and humiliation.
A relationship based on two psychologically wounded people is difficult as we become our adaptions and coping mechanisms that are mistaken for reality.
#6) Changes come with adoption reunion, if you are not ready for the adoption roller-coaster of psychological awareness, reunion success is impossible without psychological, perspective and all of your now relationships will change. Some adoptees get divorced in reunion, which is not uncommon with the changing adoptee's identity that for the first time begins to form for the adoptee.
#7) Changes bring the cycle of Grief, what was previously acceptable becomes repulsive to some.
#8) Anger is seriously troubling and amplified in some adoptees especially when all the real truths and circumstances about what actually occurred that brought you to being adopted. Some of the historical truths are the cause of injustice, lies and secrets.
The Injustice adoptees feel, and being used causes amplified anger that needs an outlet! Write, read, exercise, hobby and most impossibly find an adoptee counselor (Like I said Impossible).
#9) Most importantly, put yourself first, keep a journal to process each new fact as reunion is a process and not a single event as adoption healing takes a lifetime to process aswell. Don't let others discount you, silence your voice or influence you as you must start to be true to yourself for the first time in your life, make yourself matter, put yourself first
Create boundaries, mental fences and safety nets.
Protect yourself from the self-centered ridicule of others. Become the self police against others comments, disdain and contempt. Be kind to yourself.